


Breathe...Repeat

by breatherepeat



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 01:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 95,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3509951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The brothers' childhood past haunts Jared and ultimately creates a breakdown to the truth of who they are. The story's length reflects the amount of history (both real and fictionalized) put into telling the story and at times it has themes that may be hard to read.</p><p>Transferred from my livejournal account and slightly modified.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Begin the Journey

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [呼吸...重复](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3985780) by [Masa_G](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masa_G/pseuds/Masa_G)



 

He thrived on change. And even then it wasn't enough to just explore options; he had to push the limits to remain satisfied. Perhaps it was in his blood; past down through the generations. His mother was the same way. She could never stay in the same place for long before something would happen and they were off to another city, state, or country. And like his mother, his career seems to change with the tide. However much he loved the idea of not knowing what tomorrow would bring him, it reassured him to know he would always have one constant in his life.

Most siblings spend their childhoods together and upon adulthood drift apart. The brothers never saw much logic in social standards and consequently have never spent much time away from one another. The past taught them that being away from each other only brought bad luck. They told the press that they shared the same dreams and goals in life; therefore, it only seemed natural that their lives would remain intertwined. Only together could they put their dreams into reality. Their bond sparked a music career and is one of the driving forces behind their success.

 

_North Dakota (April 2, 2007)_

"Shannon." His voice was thick with sleep as he was still caught between the conscious and unconscious world. Once he opened his eyes and untangled himself from the blankets, the stillness of the bus became apparent. He pulled back his curtain and saw the neatly made bunk of his brother. Stepping out into the hallway and removing his ear plugs, he could hear voices coming from the front. "Shannon." This time his voice was louder and clear of sleep but still not answered.

He saw no sign of his brother as he pasted through the divider. The dread that he felt upon awaking was growing. "Tomo, where's my brother?"

"He was gone before I woke up." Tomo replied through bites of his breakfast.

"He left about an hour ago mumbling something about not having enough caffeine on the bus." Tim answered Jared's question while lying down on the long bench with his eyes closed.

"He should be back by now then." He could feel his heart beating in his chest.

"I'll give him a call and see where the hell he is." Tomo had the phone to his ear before he finished his sentence.

The sound of Shannon's phone could be heard coming from the back. "He was pretty out of it when it left. He must have left it behind." Tim stated the obvious as he sat up and faced the other two.

As soon as the factory-standard ringtone was heard coming from the back of the bus, Jared's heart began to beat faster and his chest began to tighten. The dread that he felt upon awaking was increasing. "Could someone go find him please?"

"I'll go see what I can find out." Tim heard the panic in Jared's voice and thought Jared would be more comfortable waiting with Tomo. Or at least he would be more comfortable with the arrangement. "He probably is outside somewhere."

As the door shut behind Tim, Tomo began to see the physical effect this was having on his band mate. Jared always appeared to be in control of everything. Even when he wasn't, he had perfected the art of pretending like he was. Seeing Jared like this worried the younger man. "Hey, why don't you take a seat. Shannon is probably just helping set up."

Jared knew it was irrational, but could not seem to catch his breath and his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Tomo's reassurance fell on deaf ears. It was happening again and there was no way to control it. That pissed him off more than not knowing where Shannon was.

Tim had to ask three different people before he was told where exactly Shannon had gone to. He was right in what he told the others; Shannon had went to get coffee. And now he was talking with the drummer from the local opening act. Tim called out across the empty auditorium to get Shannon's attention. However, the sound from the drum kit was too loud and he only got his attention once he was a foot from the man.

"Hey, Shannon. Can I talk to you?"

"Yeah. What's up?" However Shannon's attention was still on the drummer.

"Your brother is asking for you." Normally he would have told Tim he would be there in a few minutes but Shannon heard something in Tim's voice. And once he turned around and gave the bassist his full attention, he could see it in his eyes. The worst possible scenarios were rushing through his head.

"I'll catch you later man." Shannon called out to the drummer as he jumped down from the stage. Once they were walking alone, Shannon tried to get some information out of his friend. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"Nothing happened really. He just woke up and wanted to know where you were. I told him you went to get coffee but you forgot your phone so we couldn't call you. Jared asked if someone would go look for you, but his voice was shaking and he didn't look right."

"He didn't look right?"

"Yeah. I don't know, just not right. I mean it's Jared, he is always...the way he is. But he wasn't when I left." When Tim finished, they were almost back to the bus and Shannon still didn't have any answers.

Tomo heard the bus door open and was hoping that is was Shannon. Jared's breathing was getting worse and he had a thin layer of sweat on his face. The only time Tomo had ever seen the man sweat was when he was on stage. Typically he was always cold. He had finally gotten him to stop pacing and sit down when the door was opened.

"Jared." Shannon called out as he walked inside. Jared had his arms around his brother by the time the door was closed. Once the shock wore off, Shannon could feel him shaking. "Hey, look at me."

Jared pulled back and blue met brown. It had been almost five years since this had happened and Shannon thought maybe they were over for good. "Okay. Good. Keep looking at me and follow my breathing. In and out. In and out." Shannon's voice was soft as he held onto his brother's arms. He paused between each even breath. "In and out."

After five minutes of staring at his brother and following his calming voice, his breathing slowed down and his chest loosened. Once he felt back in control, he turned around to face the other two men. The others had simply watched on in confusion as Shannon got his brother back under control. Jared was angry and embrassed that his friends had seen him like this and quickly turned back to his brother. "It's over."

"Tomo, can you get a blanket out of my bunk?" Shannon kept his eyes on his brother who was looking at the floor. He knew that Jared hated showing weakness, especially in front of people that looked to him for direction.

"Yeah, no problem."

Shannon led his brother over to the bench and guided him down as he sat himself. "When did you go to sleep this morning?" Shannon asked as he moved Jared down so his head was on the arm rest and his upper body was across Shannon's lap. Shannon's words were spoken so that only Jared could hear them.

"Some time before eleven." Jared answered looking at his hands. Tomo handed the blanket to Shannon and Shannon placed it over his brother.

"Jared, it is barely three o'clock." Shannon's tone was stern but calm. Jared didn't answer, he just curled up into his brother's chest and closed his eyes. Exhausted from what just happened, he breathed in the calming scent of his brother as he immediately drifted off into sleep.

"Ok, what the hell was that?" Tomo questioned the drummer while trying to keep his voice down. Tim's face shared his concern. "I have never seen him like that."

"That was something that Jared wishes you never saw. Jared used to have panic attacks all the time when he was younger. As he got older, they were less and less frequent. This is the first in a couple of years. I was hoping they were gone for good. They probably came back because he hasn't been sleeping enough. Plus he pushes himself too hard." Shannon looked down at his sleeping brother; brushing some hair out of his face. "If this happens again, get me as soon as you can. Sometimes I can stop him from getting this worked up. Oh and, he is going to pretend like this didn't happen. So just go along with it."


	2. Breathe...Repeat...Again

 

    

**Again**

When Jared awoke for the second time that day it was because Shannon was whispering in his ear that it was time for sound check.  Shannon wanted to give his brother as much time to sleep before he attempted to wake him so he told Tim and Tomo to go on without them.  After Shannon told him it was time to get up, no words were spoken.  Jared was quiet because he was trying  to forget the panic attack from earlier and the fact that Tomo and Tim had witnessed it.  Shannon was quiet because he knew that his brother would talk when he wanted to.  
  
The show that night was a little different than what they normally put on.  Jared made up a story about being sick again to cover for the fact that he was not his normal talkative self. Jared also did not run around the stage or go into the crowd.  He spent most of his time back near his brother; sometimes with his back turned away from the crowd.  Tomo and Tim's antics more than made up for their singers lack of showmanship.  Even though Jared was still in a weird mood, he made sure the songs did not suffer and the crowd enjoyed the experience.  Everyone was shocked when Jared said that they would be signing after the show considering his lack of energy.  
  
After they left the stage, Jared was Shannon's shadow for the rest of the evening.  He sat as close to Shannon as he could during the signing and let Shannon do most of the talking.  He only made eye contact with a few of their long time followers and kept his head down with the fan girls in an attempt to keep them from asking for something inappropriate.  
  
Shannon ushered Jared through the crowd and onto the bus after the signing.  Tomo and Tim were still in a good mood from the show and stayed to entertain the crowd that gathered around the bus.  The crowd was happy to see both men and many pictures were taken.  A couple asked about Jared and they were reassured that he was just trying to get over a bug.  
  
By the time Tim and Tomo made it onto the bus, both Shannon and Jared were asleep facing each other in Shannon's bunk. Shannon was on the outside with a protective arm that wrapped almost completely around his brother.  
  
"He is lucky they are both so tiny." Tim remarked after seeing the two.  
  
"Yeah, I don't think you and me should try that." Tomo responded with a smile.  
  
"No offense man, but you don't need to worry about that happening." Tim shut the divider and sat down across from Tomo at the table. "So have they always been like this?"  
  
"If you mean all up in each other's shit, than yes." Tomo made sure that his voice was low in case one of the two was still awake. "One of them will get in a mood and the other one is the only one they can stand to be around. If you think this is strange, you should see it when they are both acting like this."  
  
"I get that they are brothers and all that, but isn't that weird to you? I mean, they are both in their thirties." Tim's voice was just as low.  
  
"Yeah, I thought it was weird at first but now it just who they are.  After I first met them I swore they were twins. My family is close, but I don't think I will ever have a relationship with my siblings like they do."  
  
"They totally have that twin telepathy thing going on."  
  
"Ha. I remember reading an article that said something like  that before I joined.  Either way, things should be back to normal soon. I have never seen one of these moods last longer than a couple of days."

Tim began to rub the back of his neck.  "They don't...I mean they aren't..."

"Fucking each other?" Tomo bluntly asked the question for the other man.

Tim got a sheepish look on his face.  "I don't know any other straight men that sleep together."

"If they are, I have never seen anything to suggest it.  I think that they just grew up different.  Hippie life-style and all.  You will find that they have less social reservations when it comes to personal space than most other people."

"So they are straight?"

"That is their business and I have never asked them.  We are together a lot; if we don't keep somethings to ourselves we would drive each other crazy."  Tomo stood up and made his way to his bed. "Night man."  
  
4:37 am. CT Somewhere near the United States/Canadian Border  
"Shannon." A whisper.  
"Mmphf."  
"Shannon." A little louder.  
"Jared. Sleep." Shannon said and pulled his brother closer to him.  
"I can't do this anymore." Jared said softly into his brother's neck but Shannon's breathing had already evened out signaling that he did not hear Jared's confession. 


	3. Breathe...Repeat...Inhale

_I need to talk to you.  I have a show in Vancouver next Sunday and after that I am free for until the 20th.  I can meet you anywhere during that time.  I don't know your schedule so if you are somewhere else I will come to you.  Please don't ignore me this time._ [Message Sent April 5, 2007 11:28 am]   
  
"Who you talking to now?" Shannon said walking up next to his brother.  For three days now Jared had stayed within a five foot distance of his brother.  His typical behavior after having an panic attack. Today; however, Jared was beginning to venture further and further away as the day went on.  Shannon was happy to see his brother regaining himself again but still made sure to check up on him every now and again.   
  
"Just scheduling something for when we finally get home.  I am looking forward to going back to our old stomping grounds." Jared would never lie to his brother, mainly because he was one of the few people that he could never get away with it with. However a half-truth he could play off with ease. "I need to call Ma and tell her we have some time off.  Maybe we should go see her instead of making her come to us."  
  
"You going to tell her that they started again?" While Shannon was the one that Jared turned to on the road, Jared turned into a total Momma's Boy around their mother. Shannon did too.   
  
"I don't know. She worries too much about us as it is." Jared redirected the subject by looking over to Tomo and Tim and asking,  "Did I freak them out?"  
  
"A little bit. I don't think they were expecting it was all.  I heard Tim asking Tomo some questions about us."  
  
"What about 'us'?" Jared replied defensively. Tim was still new to the group in many ways and Jared always had issues with trusting other people.  While Tim was a part of the group, everyone knew that it would take time before he was fully embraced into the band.  
  
"Typical questions that everyone seems to have after awhile.  'Are they always like that?' 'Aren't they too old to be sleeping in the same bed?' 'Do they fuck too?'"  
  
"So what did he say?" Jared kept his gaze on the other two men as they began to set up their instruments for sound check.  Jared had grown to trust Tomo over the years, but Matt leaving the band reassured every belief that Jared had about keeping people at a distance.  
  
"Tomo just told him the truth." Jared knew their truth and that his brother would tell him if Tomo betrayed them. "Come on, I don't think that they are going to wait forever for us." Shannon grabbed his brother's arm and pulled him literally out of his daze and onto the stage.   
  
The show that night was an improvement on their last but Shannon still felt that his brother was holding back.  Either way, the crowd ate up every scream and crowd jump. The signing went quick and the crowd after by the bus was small.  Shannon did not stay by Jared's side but made sure to keep within his eyesight.  
  
On the bus the group watched their performance from the night. Half way through Jared couldn't wait any longer to check his messages  and went to the back to get his phone.  As Jared walked away, Shannon looked on with suspicion. Jared always scrutinized the performance down to the last detail. The other two also found it odd but chalked it up to Jared's weird behavior since his attack.   
  
Jared saw the blinking eye light as he grabbed his phone out of his bunk. He scrolled through the 15 new messages until he found the name he was looking for.   
  
_I will be in LA doing voice-overs until the end of the month. We can meet while you are here but nowhere public. 8:55pm  
  
_ Jared's fingers were shaking as he typed his reply.   
_We can meet at Brent's house on Wednesday, April 11 at 1pm.  I'll make sure that it is in private._ [Message Sent]  
  
 _Brent, I need to borrow your place next on the 11th for a couple hours. I need to meet somewhere without press. Let me know if this is okay. Thanks._ [Message Sent].  
  
Jared skimmed over the other messages quickly and put the phone back in his bunk. He didn't have the energy to reply to any of the others. Taking a deep breath, he walked back and sat down with the others.  This time closer to Shannon than before he left. 

 


	4. Breathe...Repeat...Match

_April 9, 2007 Texas_  
  
The smells of home greeted the brothers as they walked into their mother's house. They had been on tour for a number of months and were looking forward to the simple pleasure of having an stationary home for a night.  Two merle pit bulls puppies greeted the two, followed closely by their owner.  
  
"My boys have returned. Come here." Shannon was given a tight squeeze before she moved on to Jared.  "I am starving.  You can tell me everything over dinner." Constance said as she walked towards the kitchen followed by the dogs and her children.  
  
The tour was discussed over grilled portabella mushroom tacos. Constance had been to a couple of shows and talked to at least one of them everyday but still liked to hear about the day-to-day lives of her boys. She filled them in on the situation with their grandmother's neighbor and how the office manager at her work was still driving her crazy.  Jared excused himself afterwards to visit with Judas.  The dog was getting older and spent much of his time sleeping in the guest bedroom.  
  
Shannon and Constance cleared the table and took their coffee to the living room.  Once they were comfortable on the couch, both with a dog on their lap, she asked the inevitable.  "What's going on with your brother?"  
  
"He isn't telling me much but he won't sleep alone anymore. Well, that is, when he does sleep.  He had a panic attack in front of Tomo and Tim a couple of days ago and has been clingy ever since.  I wasn't around and they didn't know what to do so it was a full on attack." The Letos were a strong knit family with no secrets.  The boys' childhood taught them that relying on each other was key to survival. Constance was a strong, single mother who raised two wild boys, moving them around to make ends meet.  Both boys got their strength and determination from their mother's side of the family.  
  
"Dammit. I thought he was through with them.  It has been so long since the last one. I'm not surprised he hasn't told you more." Constance was upset with the situation.  Both of her children were strong-willed and self reliant but each had their own demons to face in life.  
  
Shannon continued to pet the sleeping dog in his lap.  "He is working on some new stuff.  I heard him singing a little bit of one under his breath last night.  It has a pretty dark melody even for him."  
  
"It is his way of working it out.  I'll talk to him later and see what he is willing to share." Switching the topic, she asked, "So how is the new guy adjusting to my crazy sons?"  
  
The old dog perked up his head as Jared walked into the room.  He was lying on the bed that Jared slept on when he stayed with his mother. Judas and Jared had a strong bond with one another and it pained Jared to have to leave him behind to chase his dream.  "Hey boy. I have missed you. Has Momma been treatin' ya well?" Jared said laying down next to the dog. Judas moved his head on his stomach and locked his blue eyes on the man. Jared's hand immediately went to pet the soft hair on his head.  Jared sometimes felt that the dog could tell him anything with his eyes. In turn, Jared felt he could tell him anything as well.  
  
"I'm scared.  I have everything that I wanted yet one thing keeps running through my head.  I don't think I can hide from it any longer." Jared and Judas stayed in silence until they both drifted off into sleep.  
  
It was how his mother found them a hour later when she went to check on them.  Both of her children were special to her but Jared always seemed to have an extra charm about him.  Even when he was little and didn't know he was doing it, everyone who met him fell under his charm and gave him his way.  Once he realized the power he held over other people, he used it to get out of the trouble he always seemed to find himself in.  Jared projected an air of self-confidence but in a lot of ways had many self-doubts. His mother learned early on that his outward appearance of not caring what people thought of him was just another way he kept people from getting too close.  
  
"I can feel you staring.  What did Shannon tell you?" Jared opened his eyes but kept them on the sleeping dog on his stomach.  
  
"He told me you had an attack in front of your band mates and haven't been sleeping." Constance sat down on the bed next to her son and placed a hand on his forearm. "He also told me that Tim is working out pretty well as the new bassist but that you barely acknowledge his presence half the time."  
  
"I'm not doing it on purpose I swear." Jared turned and met his mother's gaze. "It just hurt that he left.  Everyone leaves."  
  
"Matt had to move on with his life. He wanted a family, he didn't leave you."  
  
"Bullshit." Jared's eyes began to full up. "He left."  
  
"Honey, change is constant.  God has a plan for us all.  Matt's was to get married and be happy doing other things."  
  
"He could still be happily married and in the band."  
  
"Not from what I saw.  A marriage cannot survive if the husband never sees his wife because he is halfway across the world."  
  
"Yeah, well, I wouldn't know anything about that now would I."  Jared moved Judas over and sat up. "Shannon tell you about the girl he has been seeing.  He thinks I don't know."  
  
"No, he didn't mention a girl.  He did tell me about a new, male, sound guy though." Constance was going to let her son change the subject for now.  
  
The family watched a show on TV until it was late and everyone was tired.  They said their goodnights and went off to their rooms.  Jared tossed in his bed for 20 minutes before he turned on a light and began to work on a song that was stuck in his head.  He still could not turn off the thoughts so he turned off the light, crossed the hallway, and slipped into Shannon's bed.  He moved until he was pressed up against Shannon's back and tried to match his brother's breathing.  After he found the rhythm, he was asleep within a couple of minutes.  Judas pushed open the door and curled up on a rug next to the bed.


	5. Breathe...Repeat...Pause and Reflect

**Pause**   


Judas was an older dog and set in his ways: breakfast was to be served at 7:30 am sharp.  After he failed to show up at quarter to 8, she left the two puppies to munch away and went in search of the older dog. Figuring that Jared wouldn't sleep in his own room after hearing about the panic attack and the fact that the dog would most likely follow his owner, the first place that she looked was Shannon's room.  Pushing open the door the rest of the way, she found that her suspicion was correct.   Shannon was asleep on the bed and Jared was sitting on the floor next to his dog.  
  
"He was late for breakfast so I thought I could come looking for him."  Constance whispered to her youngest son as she walked toward the two.  As she got closer, she heard Jared quietly singing an old song from his childhood.  Jared continued to softly pet the dog as his mother sat down next to him.  
  
"I woke up to go to the bathroom and almost tripped on him. I reached down to apologize and noticed his breathing was faint." Jared said after a couple of minutes. He turned towards his mother as he continued, "He slipped away peacefully."   
  
Constance pulled her son closer to her and kissed the side of his head. "He waited for you to come home."  
  
When  Shannon awoke, he found his mother and brother in a tight embrace. The two were sitting on the floor with Judas between them.  Sensing that his brother was awake, Jared looked up over his mother's shoulder and met  Shannon 's eyes and  Shannon knew.  
  
The morning was spent in quiet observance.  Jared picked a shady spot under an old tree in the backyard and began to dig while  Shannon made a cross out of wood from the shed. Judas was laid to rest over a family prayer. 

**Reflect**

  
By the time the three made it back inside, it was mid-afternoon and neither of them had eaten anything. As  Shannon went to the kitchen to make sandwiches, the other two sat down on the couch.  
  
"I have been thinking of a lot of things lately. Mainly about everything that has brought me to this point in my life. The thoughts started a couple of weeks ago and I think caused my panic attack." Jared confessed with his head on his mother's shoulder. "The thoughts won't stop running through my head. It is all that I think about."  
  
"I can tell that there is something going on with you.  Shannon is worried too."  Constance said running her fingers through her son's long hair. "It sounds like you are trying to figure out more about yourself."  
  
"I thought I knew what I wanted. With all that I have, I feel guilty for thinking about this so much. I never thought growing up that I would be able to do half of what I have accomplished."  
  
"Your childhood made you who you are today. It is okay to think back and not always remember the good times; just don't get lost in the thoughts."  
  
"I think I am lost."   
  
Shannon came back with the sandwiches, but Jared said that he wasn't hungry to begin with and excused himself to pack.  The brothers had a flight back to LA that night.  
  
"He is going somewhere tomorrow that he is nervous about but he won't tell me where."  Shannon told his mother after he finished half of his lunch. "He has been secretly texting someone all week."

  
"The anniversary of your father's death is coming up next month.  He was younger than you both when he died."  
  
"It is not a day I that typically think about nor is the man who died on that day." Shannon picked up his half-eaten lunch and went back to the kitchen. He wasn't hungry either.  
  
The boys were just old enough when their father died to know who he was; as well as to hate him for the life that he led.  Constance worried that the death had something to do with her youngest son's mood. Shannon would never talked about the man, but Jared expressed some interest in him after finding a photo.  Jared was getting ready to leave for college and came across an old photograph of his parents.  
  
At age 17, his resemblance to the man in the photo was uncanny. Jared immediately found his mother and demanded that she tell him how she could stand to look at him after what  his father did to them. She tried to explain that she loved Jared for everything that he was and the fact that he looked like his father was only a small part of the man that he was becoming. Jared; however, found little assurance in this and thus began his quest to continuously alter his look.  
  
Constance was brought back to the present by the sound of her oldest son playing the piano in the other room.  She could tell that it was Shannon by the song that he chose to play.  Walking into the other room, she found both of her sons on the piano bench. She was extremely proud of her sons after the life that they had lived and was glad that they would both have each other as they continue on in their life journey.  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Sneak peak into the next chapter**
> 
> Daily News
> 
> Leto's Love Nest  
> Emo-singer and sometimes actor, Jared Leto, was spotted around L.A. today. Seems he was on his way to club promoter and radio DJ Brent Bolthouse's house. However, Bolthouse is in New York right now meeting with a new up-and-coming club developer (does Leto have a key?). Shortly after Leto arrived, a tall, hooded figure emerged out of a car and headed inside. Our cameras could not tell the gender of this mysterious figure but from the lack of curves our guess is that Leto was meeting with a male companion. Leto has hinted in the past to his lack of straightness but always recanted his statements. Guess the Lohan rumors were false after all. Is Leto finally ready to admit what many suspected all along? And more importantly, who is the man in his life? 
> 
> In the Dogg House  
> Rapper Snoop Dogg has found himself in trouble with the law once again. Dogg was arrested in LAX today for possession of marijuana and....


	6. Breathe...Repeat...Hide and Run

**Hide**

The flight back was quick. There were a couple of paparazzi cameramen in the airport when they landed in L.A. but after taking a couple of pictures and being met with silence when asking about the band, they left the brothers alone. The brothers sat in the back while Emma drove them to their small house, Jared's left foot was touching his brother's right the whole car ride home. Emma mainly talked with Shannon on the way back, Shannon told her about the visit with their mother and about the death of the wolfdog.

Both brothers went to their respective rooms to put away their bags and then met each other in the music room. It was getting close to midnight, but both brothers were not ready to sleep. Jared's chest was tightening and the thoughts of tomorrow were rushing through his head. Shannon on the other hand felt that it was time to have a long awaited discussion with his brother.

Strumming an old acoustic guitar, Shannon asked his brother if he was aware that this month would mark the anniversary of their father's death. Jared was sitting across the room from him in a ratted chair that had been with them since moving out to L.A. Jared stopped playing his guitar and waited before answering. "It is a day that is hard to forget."

"We have never talked about this before but I think it is time." Shannon put down the guitar and walked the short distance towards his brother. He took the guitar from him and placed it back on the stand before taking his brother's forearm and pulling him down so that they were both sitting on the floor with their backs to the chair.

Jared became aware of his heart beating in his chest. The heavy feeling was increasing. Leaning against his brother helped calm him a little bit, but the discussion was one that Jared did not want to have. "I don't want to do this. Really Shannon, somethings are better left alone."

"Jared, you are not sleeping and barely eating. You are treating everyone beside Ma and me like shit." Shannon kept his voice calm and let his words set in before he continued. "I know about your secret meeting tomorrow."

"Yeah, well I am a big boy and can have a secret if I want to." Jared was not going to offer any information until he knew exactly how much Shannon was aware of about tomorrow. Shannon would never go behind his back and go through his phone, so he couldn't know much.

"You can have as many secrets as you want but if having them makes you act the way you have been the last couple of weeks then I am not going to let you have them." Shannon was worried about his brother and didn't care if what he said made Jared angry. "I don't know who you are meeting but if it is making you this upset, maybe you shouldn't."

"I have to or this is not going to go away. I have questions that need answers." Jared had been looking at an old picture on the wall during the entire conversation but moved to look at his brother when the topic of their father came back up. "Our father was a horrible man and an even worst father. I won't let myself become him."

"Jared, you are far from the abusive alcoholic that tortured our childhood. We made a vow as a family to go forward after his death. I have never seen anything in you that would suggest that you are capable of becoming the man that he was." Shannon made sure that his brother kept eye contact with him as he said these words.

"You don't know everything about me." Jared said looking down at his hands.

"I doubt that. Either way, I know enough." Shannon stood up and reached out his hand to his brother. "We should get to bed if you are going to go through with your meeting tomorrow."

Jared went to his room to change and then to the bathroom to finish getting ready for bed. After washing his face, he stared in the mirror and saw his father's reflection looking back at him. He quickly shut off the light and went into Shannon's room. Shannon was waiting for him with the covers pushed back on Jared's side.

Shannon pulled the covers around them as Jared laid his head on his brother's chest. Jared's breathing was fast and shallow for a couple of minutes until he was able to match his brother's. Exhausted after the long day and the thoughts in his head about tomorrow, he fell asleep in the comfort of his brother's arms.

 

**Run**

Shannon's sleep that night was not peaceful. He was taken back to the day when he was almost to young to remember. He once again heard the loud shouting of his parents. The filthy, hateful words of his father and the screams of his mother as he threw her across the room. The screams that were followed by a loud sob, the sound of a door slamming shut, and then sounds of more crying. Young Shannon came out of the safety of the closet after he could no longer hear the voice of his father. Walking into the living room he found his mother, curled up on the floor with blood and tears falling from her face. His father had done this many times in the past: Got angry over something trivial and took it out on his mother, his brother, and/or him. Generally, whoever was closest to him when he snapped. However, unlike the hundred times before, this time he had more of a reason to be angry. Today was the day that she told him that she wanted him gone from their life. If he was not going to leave then she was talking her boys and going somewhere were he would never find them. Her father was in the military and had connections in Central America where they could start a new life.

Upon hearing that he wife was going to leave him, he flew into a rage unmatched from his past outbursts. No woman was going to tell him what to do and there was no way that he was going to let her leave him without suffering. Shannon and Jared were playing hide-and-go-seek when the argument started. Their mother figured that since the boys were occupied, it was a better time than never to stand up to her husband. Little Jared was hiding behind the couch with his head on his knees during the whole outburst. When his father threw his mother across the room, her eyes saw the cowering little boy. Following her gaze, his father found him as well. He picked up the small boy and left out the front door. The sound of gravel flying through the air soon followed.

Shannon walked up to his mother and placed his hand on her shoulder. "I can't find Jer, Momma." His mother pulled him into a tight embrace and began to rock them back and forth. This was how Shannon's grandmother found them two hours later. Constance was in shock and wouldn't let go of Shannon or answer the questions her mother was asking her. Ruby looked around the trailer and saw no sign of her son-in-law or her youngest grandson.

Seventeen days later, the sheriff called his grandmother's house and told him that they had found the two. Their father had called the police and told them that they were in a town on the Mississippi border. After giving the directions to the run-down hotel room, their father took out a hand gun and shot himself in the head.

When Jared was returned to his mother, they immediately moved out to Alaska, with their grandmother following two weeks later. Jared did not speak a word for over a year.

Shannon was jolted awake by the sound of a garbage truck down the road. Looking at the clock he saw that it was 5:30 in the morning. Jared was awake and staring up at the ceiling. "Sounds like you were having the same dream I was."

"You are meeting with Cameron today, aren't you?" Shannon figured out the riddle.

Jared got up from the bed and left to take a shower. The question did not need to be answered.

The rest of the morning went by slowly. Jared followed Shannon around as he went about cleaning the house. They both ate a little bit of cereal. Shannon called their mother and told her that the flight back as okay and that they made it home safely. He did not mention anything about the conversation he had with his brother or the realization of who Jared was meeting with today. A little before 11:30, Jared left the house after Shannon gave him a long hug and told him that if he needed him to call and he would be over.

Jared made it to Brent's house at 12:15 and sat down to wait. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing until he heard the doorbell. He let her in and followed her back into the living room.

"The fucking cameramen are outside. Get ready to be the talk of the town by tonight." Cameron pulled off her hoody and sat down on the chair that was facing the backyard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, this is not going to be a het story. Jared is just working somethings out.


	7. Breathe...Repeat...Freak Out

"It was the best that I could do. Would you have rather met at your place?" Jared sat back down on the same spot of the couch that he was before answering the door. Sarcastically he continued, "I'm glad you finally found the time to talk with me."

"I've been busy. You have been busy." Cameron shifted around in the chair so that she was sitting on her left leg and facing her ex-fiance.

"For three years. You have been too busy for three years to return a phone call or email." Jared was beginning to get angry with the situation. He did not want to fight with her. However, he couldn't help himself with his next question. "How is the boy-toy?"

"We broke up." Cameron said staring Jared down. "The relationship ran its course."

"So you cowered out of that relationship too then? Found someone else to fuck behind his back?"

"If you must know, no. He found someone else first." With this, she looked away. "I have heard some of your new stuff. The band is getting pretty well known."

"The song is not about you. Unlike some people, I don't offer my dirty laundry for sale."

"Well some people are a little more open and forthcoming with their lives then you are. It was nice for once to not have to hide away from the public while being in a relationship with someone that I cared about."

"I don't feel the need to share everything with the press. Some things should be sacred between two people." Jared waited and then looked back over her way. "Judas died two days ago. We went home to visit our mother and he passed away in the night."

"Jared, I'm sorry. Judas loved you very much. That dog hated me from the moment that we met. Remember the day we were hiking in the woods and he ran away from me?" Cameron had a sad smile on her face remembering the smug look on the dogs face when they finally found him. "That dog was determined to keep you for himself. You two were the perfect match, both loners who enjoyed exploring what the world has to offer."

"They always say that you should listen to the instincts of animals. They are wise creatures." Jared moved so that he was closer to her. "Maybe I should have ignored my feelings for you and listened to him."

"The only reason I started a relationship with you, besides the initial attraction, was because I knew that it would never last. You didn't truly in your heart want to be with a woman."

"Gender shouldn't be important with human emotions. You are the only one I ever allowed myself to give my heart to. Maybe because I was too afraid to give it to a man. " Jared curled up on himself so that his feet were underneath him. "It didn't matter anyway; my heart was still broken."

"I loved you but I was not ready to be what you wanted me to be. I didn't want to be a wife with two kids and more on the way trying to find my next acting job."

"So you threw everything that we had away and betrayed my trust. You know how rare it is that I allow myself to trust someone else. I told you things that I have never told anyone else. Stuff that Shannon or my mother doesn't even know about me."

"I am honored that you trusted me that much. I do know how hard it was for you. But after I got pregnant and you were so happy and wanted to get married right away, I freaked."


	8. Breathe...Repeat...Look Back and Deny

**Look Back**

"I don't blame you because we lost the baby. I know that was out of our control. I just wish that you didn't shut me out of your life afterwards." Jared's heart was beating faster in his chest. "I scared you that night."

"I have seen you lose your temper before Jared but I have never seen you like that. After I told you about the miscarriage, you destroyed the room. I was trying to calm you down, but I don't think you heard a word that I said to you." Cameron saw the effect her words were having on Jared but he requested to see her and if it was the truth that he wanted, she was going to give it to him. "Before that night, I would have never believed that you would hurt me. But when you pushed me down, I saw something change in your eyes. And yes, it scared me."

"Something inside of me snapped. I could feel it. I don't remember anything that happened until I saw you on the floor." Jared reached over and laid his hand on her arm. "I have never in my life been more sorry for my actions." Jared's eyes began to water and he pulled back his hand.

Hearing Cameron tell him about that night made him think about the many times he saw his own father lose control and hurt his mother. He remembered the shame she always had on her face afterwards. Jared scared himself that night.

"I have been thinking about what happened a lot lately. I lost my only chance at having a family. And I think that maybe it was the way it was meant to be. I don't trust myself to be a father."

"Jared, don't give up the idea just because you lost yourself in a moment of grief." Cameron moved from the chair to sit next to Jared. "That night you scared the hell out of me, but I also know how gentle and caring you can be. Any child would be lucky to have you as their father. Our child was just not ready for the world."

"I wish we could have met her." Jared voice was low. "I really wanted that."

"I know." Cameron said wrapping her arms around Jared. "And I still believe that it would have been a boy."

"Shannon says that I could never be like my father, but I see him in me. Sometimes I want to just say 'fuck it' and let go of the rage inside me." Jared pulled Cameron closer. "You made that rage go away for awhile. I miss that so much sometimes."

"I miss you too." Cameron said as she pulled back and looked into Jared's eyes. "You need to let yourself feel again."

"I did and he left. I let myself want someone again and before anything could happen, he was gone."

"Shannon know that you had a crush on Matt?"

"I think Shannon knows more things about me than I do sometimes. He knew and he encouraged me to do something about it, but I was too late."

"You need to tell Shannon what happened during those days that your father took you. You need someone to work through those issues with and I am not that person anymore."

"I don't want him to know. Our father caused him enough pain as it was." Jared pulled away from her and walked towards the large French windows.

 

**Deny**

"God damn her! If that woman thinks that she is taking you from me, she is surely mistaken." Jared sat on the floor of his father's truck and looked on in confusion as he father continued to verbally bash his mother. Jared had only turned four years old a couple of months ago, but he knew that his father had been drinking again. His father was only like this when he had been drinking. However, it seemed like his father was always drinking.

"Daddy, I wasa hidin' from 'Non. He is neva' goin' fine me out her'." The little boy attempted to get his father's attention; however, the man was too busy trying to keep the truck on the road and curse at the same time. Jared was confused as to where they were going. They weren't going to church because it wasn't Sunday. Sunday was the only day that his father would take them anywhere. Normally, his mother took him and his brother places. "Daddy, 'Non is neva' gonna fine me!"

"Would you shut up about Shannon already!" His father swerved the truck to the right as he turned to look down at the boy and then quickly back as he realized his mistake.

Jared curled his arms around his knees and turned away from his father. Quietly he whispered, "I'lla fine him then."

Jared's father continued to drive the truck until it got dark. By then he had calmed down enough to find a motel to stay in. They didn't have much money, so he got the cheapest room available. When his father told him to go to bed, Jared told him that he was hungry. The argument between his parents had happened after breakfast and he hadn't eaten all day.

"We don't have enough money for food. Just go to sleep." His father was sitting on the end of the only bed in the room. It was small, but Jared was tiny for his age and the two wouldn't have much trouble sleeping on it together. Jared saw that his father was in no mood for him right now so he closed his eyes and tried not the think about his rumbling stomach.

His father passed out a half an hour later and Jared was still awake. He looked around the dark motel room and wondered where his mother and Shannon were. He told himself that his father will bring him home tomorrow. Deciding that he was still hungry and that his father was not going to wake up anytime soon, he jumped off the bed.

"Daddy, I'ma goin' fine food." Jared said standing near his father's side of the bed. He quietly opened the old motel door and walked out into the night. The lights were still on in the main office and Jared was sure there would be food in there.

Jared walked across the small parking lot and reached to open the door of the office. "What ya doing out here sweetheart?" A pleasant voiced asked Jared as he was about to turn the door knob.

"I'ma hungry and Daddy wasa asleep." The middle-aged woman moved out of the shadows and walked closer to Jared.

"Yeah, well you're hungry are ya. I have some food in my room, do you want to share?" The woman asked with a smile on her face. Jared was unsure of what to do, but the lady seemed nice enough and reminded him of the lady that played the organ at church.

"Okay." The boy agreed and began to follow the woman back to her room.

The woman was true to her word, she did have some food in her room and the two ate in silence on her bed. The woman sat so that she was facing the little boy. She watched on as Jared neatly ate his fries and kicked his feet on the side of the bed. Once he was through, the lady asked where the boy was going on the road. Jared told her that he didn't know, he normally went places with his mother and brother. His daddy was going to take him home tomorrow.

"You must be a pretty brave boy to go outside alone like that before. How old are you?"

"Four." He then switched the topic to his brother. "'Non hada birthday las' month."

"'Non, is that your grandmother?"

"No. Isa my brother." Jared said mispronouncing the last word. Shannon and him were close in age and had developed a language all their own. "Granny made a big cake for 'Non this year. He six now."

The woman studied the little boy's behavior as she continued listening to the boy talk about his brother's birthday. Jared arms moved around in the air in excitement as he told her about the present that Shannon had gotten this year. Their grandfather had given Shannon a bike and Shannon promised him he was going to teach Jared how it ride it this spring.

"Sounds like you will have a lot of fun. You know what I like to do to have fun?" The blond woman asked after Jared took a break in talking.

"Do ya like playin' piano?"

"No, I don't know how to play piano. I do know how to play a game though. I wonder if you have played this game before. All the big boys have a lot of fun doing it. Do you want me to teach you?"

Jared's father woke with a headache in the morning. Looking around the room, it took him a minute to remember the fight with his wife. He smiled as he thought about what she must be thinking right now. He turned around in the bed to wake up his son and found that he was not there.

He took a quick look around the room before deciding that Jared must have wondered outside. Jared had a habit getting distracted by something and then wondering off, but he never went far. He opened the door and squinted at the bright light that met him. There was only his truck in the parking lot; the other two cars from last night must have already left. He figured he would start in the main office to see if they had seen his son.

As he passed by the last door on the strip, he heard a faint whimpering sound coming from the bushes that surrounded the building. Bending down, he found his son curled up on himself. He grabbed the boy out of the bushes and began to yell at him for leaving the room. After he had him on his feet, he noticed the state of him. His clothes and long hair were rumpled and his pants were ripped.

"What kind of trouble did you get yourself into boy!" He said dragging the boy by his shirt back to their room.

Once inside, Jared stood trembling as he father looked him over. When his father went to touch the tear in his pants, the boy stepped away. "I'ya said no. I said NO!"

"Get your ass back here." His father screamed at him. "I said now!"

The boy stood there shaking his head "no." He wanted to go home.


	9. Breathe...Repeat...Stop and Pay Close Attention

**Stop**  
  
"Think about what I said." Cameron said gathering her stuff. "I'm sorry that it took me three years to talk to you again. I wasn't angry, just ashamed of myself for hurting you."  
  
"Maybe I needed some time to think things through as well." Jared walked her to the door and gave her a hug before she left to face the cameramen from before who were waiting to take their shots. Cameron decided that she didn't care if the media had a field day with the fact that she had spent time alone with Jared. He was a part of her past and that was all that mattered.  
  
After Cameron left, Jared once again went back to the couch. Sitting down he began to reflect on the conversation. They had faced some truths together and Jared was glad she agreed to meet with him. His PR person was probably not going to be happy with him after all the calls that she was going to get, but that didn't matter right now. What she had said was still going through his mind. Shannon knew most everything about him, but Jared had kept somethings from his family about the time his father took him. In the beginning it was because he was too young to deal with the situation and he taught himself to forget. As he grew older, more and more of what happened to him during those seventeen days he remembered.  
  
 ****

**Pay Close Attention**  
  
Jared's father did not plan on running away from his life the day that he took Jared. Consequently, he was running out of money fast and needed to find himself a job. Especially if they were going to save enough money to move to somewhere where Constance and the police could not find them. He looked up an old buddy from high school who had moved out to Mississippi after graduating and found that he needed work at his garage.  
  
Before his father left to go to work on the first day, he told Jared to stay inside the motel room. Jared was not to leave the room no matter what and if he found out that he had left, he would be punished. Jared had no intention of leaving the motel room alone after what happened the last time that he did, but his father did not know about that night. Jared's father only thought that he left the room that morning and ripped his pants when he was in the bushes.  After Jared refused to tell him what happened, he spanked Jared for leaving the motel room and ruining his clothes.  
  
His father locked the door behind him every morning when he went to work. Jared could easily push a chair up to the the door and unlock it, but leaving the safety of the room was too terrifying.  Strangers would not be able to get him if he stayed inside.   
  
His father wouldn't return until well past 9 at night. After he finished working, he would go out with his buddy and drink. He sometimes would remember to bring Jared back food to eat.  
  
Jared spent the long hours thinking about his family back home. He was sure that his mother was going to come looking for him. He had never spent this much time away from her or his brother. Shannon and him would sometimes spend the night at granny and granddad's house, but his mother would always pick him up the next day. He wondered who Shannon was playing with now that he was away. The trailer park that they lived in had many families with children to play with, but the boys normally kept to themselves. Once when they were playing with some boys from the other side of the park, they began to pick on Shannon because of his small size. When Jared started yelling back at them, the older boys began to push Jared around. Jared was small himself, but he fought back as hard as he could and Shannon joined him soon after. The boys' mothers found them after a couple minutes of them scuffling and broke them up. Jared wore the scratch on his left cheek as a badge of honor until it began to fade away.  
  
After the eleventh night of being away from his home and the sixth night of spending the day alone in the motel room, Jared's father came back drunk and without food for Jared to eat.  
  
Stumbling to the bed that Jared was sitting on, his father began with his nightly ritual of telling Jared how soon they would go away from this place and not have to worry about anyone finding them. "I took the right boy with me. The moment that your mother brought you home from the hospital I knew that you were my boy. Soon we will be out of this hell hole."  
  
Jared had been quiet since sneaking out of the motel room a couple of nights ago, but he figured that he should ask his father when he was going to see him mother and brother again. "Daddy, where'sa Momma and 'Non? I miss dhem."  
  
"Your mother is a ungrateful woman who didn't want you anymore. She has her own boy and I get to kept you. Forget about her, we'll soon be far away from that woman." His father said slurring his words together and lying back on the bed. "Just need to get some more money together."  
  
Jared keep his tears to himself until his father fell asleep. His daddy did not like his boys crying like babies. Jared laid down and curled his arms around his legs. He knew that his mother was punishing him for what he let the blond haired woman do to him.  
  
Jared's cell phone brought him out of his memories. Looking down at the screen, he saw his publicist's name and let it go to voice mail. He needed to get back home to Shannon before he lost his nerve.  
  
Jared drove through the clear night to the house he shared with his brother. Jared had moved out here after realizing that college was not for him. He didn't need to pay someone to tell him how to express himself so he quit and found himself on a beach in L.A. soon after. With Shannon tagging along with him. His first acting jobs were not much, but it paid to have a tiny apartment where the brothers could stay. The brothers had upgraded to a bigger space over the years but they had never talked about living apart.  
  
Shannon was only halfway paying attention to the old movie playing on TV when he heard Jared pull into the garage. Shannon did not trust Cameron after what she did to his brother and he was nervous about what state Jared would be in when he came home. Cameron was not the only woman that Jared had dated in his life, but she was the only person he ever let himself fall for. Shannon liked Cameron until he found out that she was cheating on his brother. Cameron had been good for Jared. She had gotten Jared to open up more and begin to let down the wall he created between himself and the outside world. However, after she betrayed him, the wall was back up and super enforced.  
  
Jared quietly came in the room and laid down next to his brother on the couch. Shannon turned off the TV which made the light coming from the kitchen the only source of light in the room. Jared moved himself closer to his brother and buried himself into the warmth of Shannon's arms. He wasn't going to be able to tell his brother the truth.  
  
After a couple of minutes of silence, Shannon asked his brother how it went. Jared pulled back but still remained close to his brother. "We talked about a lot of things. We were civil with each other for the most part."  
  
"Did it help with whatever is going on with you?" Shannon asked as he rubbed Jared's arm.  
  
"In a way. I had to face somethings and she was the only one who could show them to me." Jared grabbed Shannon's hand which made him stop rubbing his arm. "I still need some time to work it out in my head before I can tell you."  
  
"You can tell me when you are ready." Shannon moved to get up and brought Jared with him. "It is late, let's go to bed."


	10. Breathe...Repeat...Turn Your Eyes and Don't Come Any Closer

**Turn Your Eyes**  
  
Jared lay awake listening to his brother's even breathing.  
  
Thoughts of the past were rushing through his head. He had trained his childhood mind to block the memories of the time he spent with his father. As he got older, he remembered more and more of what happened during those seventeen days and the year afterward. He still didn't remember it all and some memories were still blurry.  
  
 _April 12, 2007_  
  
The morning sunlight was shining into the room and was about to reach the bed that the brothers were sleeping on. The two were meeting with the band today to go the next phase of the tour. They would be heading over seas soon and the arrangements had been finalized and needed the band's final approval. Tomo and Tim would be over in a couple of hours.  
  
"You didn't sleep again, did you?" Shannon said reaching over to the other side of the bed to pull Jared closer. Jared had moved away from Shannon in the night after realizing that sleep would not come to him.  
  
"I couldn't turn off my thoughts. I have about five new songs written in my head however." Jared said as he turned his head away from the light and into his brother's neck.  
  
"Maybe we could go over them when the boys get here. I have some new ideas I would like to try as well." Shannon pushed the long hair out of his brother's face and behind his ear. "You going to cut this anytime soon? Or are you going to let it grow out again?"  
  
"The red is fading; maybe I'll try another color. Think a streak of blue would be too much?" Jared mumbled into his brother's neck. The warmth of his brother in front of him and the sun on his back was making him regret staying up all night.  
  
"Nothing is ever to much for you. However, adding blue would make your hair match your shoes and I don't think even you could pull that off well."  
  
"Fucker."  
  
"Oh, the love."  
  
The brothers stayed in bed for two more hours, Jared had fallen asleep and Shannon did not want to take the chance of moving and having his brother wake up. Jared slept peacefully for the first hour and a half and then began talking in his sleep. Shannon smiled as he heard Jared mumble "Non" in his sleep until Jared began to cry it out. The loudest cry woke Jared up and he eyes held a mixture of confusion and fear when he opened them. Shannon rubbed Jared's back in a fixed rhythm until his brother stopped trembling.  
  
The rest of the morning went quickly after the brothers got up and ready for the day. Soon the other two band members were over and everyone was crowding around the coffee table looking at what the rest of the year would bring them.  
  
"Fucking Australia man! I have wanted to go there since I was a little kid. I think every child wanted to run away and live in the outback for awhile." Tim announced to the group. Across from Tim, Jared moved even closer to his brother. The two were sitting on one section of the couch and Shannon had his hand on the small of Jared's back. Shannon felt his brother's breathing increase at the mention of running away.  
  
Tomo shot the brothers a look and then quickly changed the subject back to the tour when he saw the concern on Shannon's face. "Japan and Paris. That is all I have got to say. Playing in Japan and Paris."  
  
"We are covering a lot more ground during this tour. Getting the word out to the rest of the world." Shannon started moving his hand in circles on Jared's back. "Jared has some new stuff we thought we could work on today if no one has any plans."  
  
The group went into the make-shift music studio in the brother's house to listen to what Jared had came up with last night. It was different than what they were use to hearing from him. These were a lot more dark and spiritual in nature. Tomo pick up a guitar and began to follow along with Jared on one of the songs. Tim and Shannon joined in soon after.  
  
The group worked on the song for a couple of hours until Tomo announced that he had to leave to meet someone.  
  
"Meeting that girl from the other night? That is what, the third girl since coming back to L.A.?" Tim asked as they began to put the room back in order.  
  
"You know what they say, why settle? I like variety in my life." Tomo said with a big smile on his face.  
  
"Whatever. Your ass is just not good enough to make one girl want to stay with you for more than a week." Tim said giving Tomo a shove as he walked past him. This sent Tomo off balanced and he leaned onto Jared in order to break his fall. Jared was only halfway paying attention and wasn't prepared for the other man. Jared fell to the floor as Tomo yelled out, "You little shit!"  
  
 ****

**Don't Come Any Closer**  
  
"You little shit!" Jared's father said as he walked in the door. He was drunk again and could barely hold on to the bag in his hand. Jared's father had been fired two days ago after his friend caught him kissing the man's wife. His father came home in a rage and had spent the rest of the day taking out his anger on the room and Jared. When his father left today to go get more booze, he told Jared to clean up the mess he left of the room before he got back. "We cannot have them finding the place like this!"  
  
"Daddy..." Jared started but his father interrupted him by picking up the little boy and throwing him on the bed.  
  
"Just shut up. I going to make the call and you are going to sit there and just shut up." Jared's father threw the bag down next to his son and picked up the phone. He had to hang up twice before he was able to dial the right number for the police station back home.  
  
After he told the police who he was and where they were staying, he abruptly hung up the phone. Then he turned his attention back to his son.  
  
"You are my boy and I won't let her get you back. We don't have any money left so this is the only way." Jared's father grabbed the bag off the bed and stood towering over the little boy. As he swayed to keep his balance, he grabbed the gun out of the bag. "People like us have to stick together."  
  
His father took the gun and pointed it at his son's head. "This will all be over soon. Don't be scared. Jesus will take care of you. I don't know if I can be saved, but children are innocent."  
  
Jared sat frozen on the bed. He didn't understand what exactly his father was doing with a gun but he knew he shouldn't of let the woman touch him. "I'ma sorry, Daddy. I'ya said no. I'ya said no." The little boy said as tears began to fall from his eyes.  
  
Jared's father kept the gun pointed at his son as the boy cried out to him.  
  
"Shut up boy! Just don't grow up to be like your old man." With that, his father turned the gun to the side of his own head.  
  
The man at the front office jumped awake from his afternoon nap to the sound of the gun shot. Guns were common around these parts but he normally didn't hear them this close to the motel. Grabbing the shot gun he kept under the desk, he went to investigate the noise.  As he got closer to the room of the man that had been renting for a couple of weeks, he heard a piercing scream. He kept his gun by his side as he reached to open the door knob but it was locked. The screaming continued as he took a few steps back and kicked open the door. What he found inside  made him drop his gun.  
  
The screams were coming from a young boy who was sitting in the corner of the room with blood on him. The man that had been renting the room was laying with the upper half of his body on the bed and the rest hanging off. The sheets surrounding the man's head were dark red.  
  
When the local cops came, the boy was still in the room. The office manger tried to get him to come out, but every time that he would walk near the boy he would start screaming again. The sheriff sent the only female EMT worker on the force to go in and get the boy after learning about the situation. He figured a woman would be best because women always knew what to do in situations that involved children.  
  
The blond female worker put her hand on the boy cowering in the corner of the room. The blood-covered boy had his head down on his knees and he was rocking back and forth. Feeling her hand on his shoulder he looked up and started screaming again. This time his screams were intermixed with pleads of "no." The woman tried to soothe the boy with gentle words but the boy began to kick and punch the woman.  
  
In the end, the ambulance workers had to give the boy a sedative to calm him down because he was becoming a danger to himself.  
  
"Jared, sorry man. You okay?" Tomo reached down to help the other man up.  
  
"Don't touch me! I said no!" Jared yelled as he backed away from the other man.


	11. Breathe...Repeat...Make No Sudden Movements and Psychobabble

**Make No Sudden Movements**  
  
"I said no." Jared looked up in confusion to see the other three men staring back at him. He pushed himself up off the floor and exited the room. He didn't stop walking until he was outside. Once outside on the back patio, he closed his eyes and let the fading sun warm his face.  
  
He felt Shannon walk out beside him. As Shannon reached to touch Jared's arm, his brother pulled away. "Don't touch me."  
  
Shannon stood back and looked on in alarm, the last time that Jared refused to be touched was when he came home from being taken from their father. Then, like now at his much older age, Shannon felt hurt that his brother would pull away from him.  
  
"Jared..."  
  
"Don't."  
  
Shannon left his brother on the patio and returned back inside. Tim and Tomo had moved out of the music room and were waiting by the front door.  
  
"I'm sorry if I did anything. It was just an accident. I shouldn't have knocked him over." Tomo said with a worried look on his face. He did not know everything about the brothers' childhood, but he knew enough to know somewhere they had crossed a line.  
  
"I know." Shannon sat down in the chair in the living room. The other two men could see every year of Shannon's age on his face.  
  
"We are going to head out. Let me know if.." Tomo stopped talking when he realized that Shannon wasn't listening to him. The two men left quietly out the front door.  
  
"Do I need to know what happened in there?" Tim asked once the two men were near their vehicles.  
  
"I'm not sure myself." Tomo began to move his keys around the ring. He wasn't sure what he should share with the new bassist. He decided that if Tim was ever going to be fully embraced into the band he should know what he is getting himself in for. "We all have things we must deal with in life. Shannon and Jared may have more things to deal with than most others."  
  
"Listen, if you are uncomfortable telling me this, it is okay. Just tell me that I didn't cause what just happened in there."  
  
"I don't think so. But then again, I'm not sure if I caused that either."  
  
The sun had been down for a couple of hours before Jared made his way back inside. Walking into the kitchen, he found his brother with a glass of water in front of him. Jared sat down across from Shannon at the small table. Shannon kept his gaze down on the glass and did not look up at his brother as he sat down. The two sat on in silence until Jared stood back up and went to his room.  
  
Shannon picked up the phone after his brother left and dialed the number without having to think about it. When the woman answered it was clear that she had been awakened from sleep.  
  
"Momma, I need you to fly out there tomorrow morning. I will have a ticket waiting for you at the airport."  
  
"Honey, what is going on?" Shannon's mother heard the weariness in her son's voice.  
  
"Jared needs you." He slowly let out the breath that he had been holding since calling his mother. "I need you."  
  
Jared sat down on the bench of his window. The bench was one of the reasons why Jared had decided on this house. From the bench, he could look out into the woods that surrounded the backside of their house.  
  
Tonight he had remembered something that he logically knew had happened to him but he had blocked out of his mind. Sitting in the window over looking the woods, Jared began to sing the song he had sung to Judas the night that he had died. It was an old song that had brought him comfort for many years. Tonight, the song wasn't going to help but he continued to sing it anyway.

 _Oh Lord, you say you're coming_  
Oh Lord, is this the truth?  
  
  
 **Psychobabble**  
  
Shannon's sleep that night was restless. The whole night be alternated between streams of consciousness and dreams of the past.  
  
Shannon had been young when Jared was taken from them. His father was not the kindest man and he could only imagine what was going through his brother's head during the days that he was away. Shannon on the other hand had to deal with the other side of the situation.  
  
Their mother had went into shock after her youngest son was taken from her and she would not let Shannon out of her sight until Jared was returned. Their grandmother had moved his mother and him into his grandparent's house to take care of them. His grandfather was stationed in Alaska at the time and his grandmother was a photographer that could keep her own schedule. His mother was a wreck and spent much of her time reading the bible for comfort.  
  
Shannon asked his grandmother, after the second day that Jared didn't come home, where their father had taken him. His grandmother didn't know how to answer the question and told the young boy that Jared would be home soon.  
  
The police came by the house a couple of times and gathered more information in order to look for his father and brother. His grandmother gave them a picture of Shannon and Jared she had taken during Shannon's birthday so that they could spread his image to the surrounding counties.  
  
Shannon overheard the policeman tell his grandmother on their last visit to the house that there was a chance that Jared was not going to be found alive.  
  
When the sheriff called the house to say that he had found the two in Mississippi, they didn't know exactly what had went on during the time they were gone. As the sheriff drove out the the small town on the state border, he heard over the CB about a suicide at the same motel that he was going to. After the report made mention of a young boy, he turned on his lights and went as fast as he could to the motel.  
  
When he got there, he saw the body being taken out of the room by the ambulance workers. Another ambulance had just left with the young boy. He was sedated and being taken to the hospital for evaluation. The sheriff called his deputy over the CB to go by the family's house and pick up the mother to bring her to her son.  
  
Shannon's mother was not going to leave Shannon alone with someone else at the house and his grandmother would have to go with his mother, so they all piled into the cop car and rushed over to the hospital.  
  
Jared was asleep when they got there. The doctors explained that the boy had some bruises and cuts, but he was most with Jared's emotional state after having experienced such a great traumatic event. The doctor also said they would have to wait until Jared woke up to get more information about what happened during those seventeen days. Jared slept through the night and well into the next afternoon before the sedative wore off. When Jared awoke and saw his family surround him, he was unresponsive. When his mother went to touch her son, he pushed himself up on the bed and away from her touch.  
  
The doctor and social worker at the hospital decided that it would be best for Jared to go home to an environment that was more familiar to him. After being given clear instructions to observe Jared for any further signs of abuse, he was released into this mother's care. Louisiana had too many painful memories attached to it so the family packed up what little belongs they had and moved in with their grandfather in Alaska. Jared would have all his family around him as they worked through what happened together.  
  
The change of environment was good for the family. Jared slowly began to become comfortable again around his family members, but he refused to talk to anymore for more than a year.  
  
Shannon left for the airport early the next morning. His mother's flight would get in at 11 o'clock and he wanted to make sure that he could get there in time with the weekday traffic.  
  
Jared stayed home and looked out his window. His guitar was in his hands and he was quietly playing the song he sang last night.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) The song that Jared is singing is the "Old Blues Song" that Jared recently sang in Milan. I'm not 100% sure of the words, title, or where it came from. The words are only what what I hear. Words are not mine and I do not know who to credit for them.
> 
> (2) I have been taking some of my chapter titles from an excellent album by a collaborative effort called Frou Frou. Thus far I have used: Stop, Play Close Attention, Don't Come Any Closer, and Psychobabble. Psychobabble is a song title, the others are lyrics of various other songs.


	12. Breathe...Repeat...Regress and Hope

_April 13, 2007_  
  
Constance gave Shannon a big hug when she saw her son waiting for her at the gate. Shannon held on a little too tight and a little too long but he didn't care. His mother was always a sense of strength for him. He grabbed his mother's carry-on and began to make their way back to the car. The paparazzi recognized Shannon and began to ask him questions about his brother and Cameron. The two were the talk of the industry right now and everyone was waiting to get the picture to prove that the two were back together again. Shannon kept his head down and his arm around his mother as they pushed through the cameramen.  
  
The traffic wasn't too bad coming home. Shannon pulled the car into the garage and when he made no move to get out, his mother asked why she was here.  
  
"Jared has been a in a mood for awhile now. I thought that it only had something to do with Cameron and losing the baby, but now I think it has more to do with what you were saying before about our father's death." Shannon took off his seatbelt and turned so that he was facing his mother. "The boys were over yesterday and we were working on some new stuff. Which if we are able to pull off, is going to be amazing. The others were horsing around and Jared fell. He sat there for a good five minutes before he heard us talking to him. And then when Tomo made a motion to help him up, he brushed him off and ran outside. Since then he hasn't been talking to me and he won't let me touch him. He has been in his room since last night."  
  
Constance reached over and put her hand on her son's forearm. "Jared never really got to work through what happened to him when he was younger. I'm sure that he blocked out a lot of what his father did to him. This is probably a reaction to that. A person can only repress their memories for so long before they come back to haunt them."  
  
"I was scared when he came home. He wasn't  my brother anymore. I tried to play with him but he would barely look at me. I even tried talking to him in our language but nothing." Shannon voice was shaking. "I don't know if I can help him through this. All we know is that our father killed himself in front of Jared when he was four years old. What kind of man does that to a child?"  
  
"Your father was not a man, he was a coward that hid behind a drinking problem. I would forever regret the day that I married him but that marriage brought me my sons. Two of the most brave and intelligent people that I know. I hate your father for what he did to you two and I hate myself for allowing it to happen for so long." Constance began to cry as she said her words.  
  
Shannon pulled his mother into a hug and the two held on to each other was they cried about the past and the present.  
  
Jared was still up in his room. He had spent the morning drawing into this sketchbook. He vaguely heard the garage door open but never heard anyone come in the house. Shannon was probably home from where ever he went to early this morning. Jared dropped the black pencil and began to search for the red.  
  
Shannon and Constance walked into the door that connects the garage to the kitchen and sat down at the table. Shannon asked if his mother wanted any coffee as he began to made some for his self. Sitting down at the table after preparing the mugs, Shannon once again opened up to his mother.  
  
"He met with Cameron the other day, as you can probably tell from the questions at the airport. He was gone all day and wasn't talking when he came back, but he wasn't pulling away when I tried to touch him."  
  
"Cameron still holds a place in his heart for the years that they spent together, but I never saw my son settling down with a woman. I was happy that he was going to make me a grandmother; unfortunately, I will still have to wait for that to happen."  
  
"I don't know what to do with him. That is why I called you, I was too young the last time that this happened. I don't remember how to deal with a Jared like this. That is not my confident brother who will climb anything just to see how high he can go before people start to whisper that he is crazy."  
  
"I shut myself off when he was taken. I probably could have been a better mother to you during that time. I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you."  
  
"I didn't completely understand at the time, but I never blamed you. Plus, I had Grandma Ruby. She tried to explain things to me, but it scared me to see all the adults in my life scared."  
  
With that the coffee was ready and Shannon went to pour the cups. He placed the cups down on the table as his mother began to talk again.  
  
"Jared came back to us a changed person. I would be lying to say that I knew what to do with him during that time. Jared went away as my fearless little boy with an infectious smile and came back a scared little boy who shut himself off from the world that he used to love. I think one of the main things that helped him during that time was moving so we were more close to nature."  
  
"I remember that. He used to sit for hours watching the woods that surrounded our house. His eyes always used to perk up when he saw an animal. That is probably one of reasons that he insisted on his house when he had to get rid of the other one."  
  
"I don't know if I can help, but I will try to go up in a little bit. Did you tell him I was coming?" Constance blew on her cup before she took a sip.  
  
"He hasn't came out of his room since going into it last night. I knocked on the door this morning but all I got was the sound of music in return. He has been playing that song that grandpa taught him before he died."  
  
Constance smiled at the memory of her father. Him and Jared had a special bond that grew after Jared came home. Her father used music to get Jared to open up to his family and after awhile it began to work.  
  
Leaving her coffee cup half full, Constance began to make her way to her son's room. The door was shut and she didn't hear any sounds coming from the room. She knocked and called out, "Honey, it's Momma. Open the door please."  
  
Jared didn't hear the knock, but he heard the sound of his mother's voice. Looking around the room, he began to panic. His breathing and heart rate increased. She was not coming in here. He pushed away the papers and paint brushes and sat in front of the door. Pushing his back against the door, he called out to his mother, "Go away. I do not want you."  
  
"Jared please. We are worried about you." Constance kept her voice calm, she had a feeling that her son would not want to talk with her.  
  
"I said no. Now leave!" Jared pulled his legs up close to him and wrapped his arms around them. If his mother found out, she would punish him again.

 

**Hope**

His mother tried for the next couple of minutes to get her youngest son to open the door, but Jared kept telling her "no." Defeated, she went back to her oldest son.   
  
"He doesn't want me here." Constance said sitting back down at the table. Her coffee was cold, but she didn't want it anymore. "I barely knew what to do last time."  
  
Shannon reached across the table and took his mother's hand. He didn't know what to do now. Bringing their mother here was his last idea.   
  
Once Jared was sure that his mother had left and that his door was locked, he went back to the painting he was working on earlier. Stepping over the papers and pencils scattered throughout his room, he sat back down and picked up his brush. This one was almost done.   
  
After clearing the table, Shannon brought his mother to the music room and let her listen to the song they had worked on yesterday. He also let her listen to another one that Jared had started to record by himself.  
  
"These are amazing." Constance said after Shannon turned off the rough recording of Jared and his guitar. She was sitting in the old chair and Shannon moved to sit down on the floor next to her. His mother put her hand on his shoulder and gave him a squeeze. "My boys always amaze me in what they can accomplish with their minds."  
  
"Jared does most of it, I just add the beats."  
  
"Jared would never have gotten the opportunity to do this if it wasn't for you. You do a lot more than just add some beats. He relies on you."   
  
"I hate seeing him like this. I hate the fact that I cannot get through to him. I hate everything about this." Shannon was staring at the old picture of Jared and him on the wall. They were kneeling down and had their arms around an Alaskan Husky. It was taken in front of their house the day before they moved to Haiti.  
  
Jared finished his painting and went to his closet to get more materials. Once he found that he was looking for, he went back to his spot on the floor and started working again. His clothes were covered in his day's work.  
  
Alaska proved to be a healing ground for the family. When Jared come home from the hospital, he wasn't eating or sleeping much. He wouldn't allow anyone to touch him and if someone did, he would start screaming.   
  
Young Shannon was confused as to why his brother was behaving the way that he was. Jared always loved following his older brother around and tried to do whatever Shannon did. Jared was fearless in his attempts to try new things. Shannon once talked about how cool it would be to look down from the tall tree near their trailer and Jared was halfway up the tree before Shannon could stop him. Jared was a couple days shy of his fourth birthday, but he made his way up the tree and gave Shannon the biggest smile from the top.   
  
The Jared that had came back to them wouldn't even look Shannon in the face, let alone give him a smile. Shannon asked his mother why Jared didn't like him anymore and his mother told him that Jared was too sad to play right now. Shannon didn't want his brother to be sad anymore so he suggested that the family get a dog. Shannon had noticed that Jared had been spending most of his time watching the neighbor's wolf from the window of their Alaskan house.  
  
When his grandfather brought home the ten week old Alaskan Husky, he told Jared that she was his dog and that he needed to care for her in order to keep her. He had to make sure that the dog ate and slept enough. In order for the puppy to learn to do these things, Jared would have to show her how. He also warned Jared that puppies need to play a lot outside and that Jared would have to take her out often in order to keep the puppy happy and healthy.   
  
Jared looked skeptical at first, but once the puppy came over to him and started to lick his hand, everyone knew that the dog was his. Jared began to eat and sleep in order to show the dog how to do it as well. He also made sure to take the puppy outside at least once a day to play with it. After having the puppy for two weeks, Shannon woke up to find his brother standing near his bed. Jared held out the dog leash to his brother to show him that he wanted Shannon to play with them today.  
  
Jared showed his brother how to play with the dog and the three spent the whole day outside exploring their new surroundings. After that day, Shannon found his brother waiting for him every morning when he woke up. While Jared still wasn't talking to anyone, he slowly began to allow people to touch him again.   
  
Jared wiped off the paint on his hand onto his jeans and looked around his room.  Exhausted from the work, he unlocked his door and curled up on his bed. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes and fell asleep.


	13. Breathe...Repeat...Hold Your Head Under

_April 14, 2007_   
  
When Shannon woke up the next morning he found his brother standing over his bed. He was wearing the same clothes from two days ago. However, last time he saw him he wasn't covered in paint and graphite smudges. His hair was tied back, but Shannon still saw hints of red and black paint. His face also held black smudges. Jared stood with his arms across his chest. Seeing that his brother had woken up, he uncrossed his arms and extended one to Shannon.   
  
"Jared, what is going on? Are you okay?" Shannon didn't like the nervous look that was on his brother's face. Shannon also noticed that the hand that Jared extended to him was shaking in the air.   
  
Jared reached down and grabbed Shannon's hand after his brother made no move to get up. He pulled him out of bed and across the hall to Jared's room.   
  
The door was shut and Jared stopped in front of it. He turned to look at his brother and Shannon saw the fear in his brother's eyes.   
  
"What is in there Jared?" Shannon went to put his other arm around his brother but he backed away. Jared tightened his grip on his brother's hand and slowly opened the door.   
  
Inside Shannon saw that had kept his brother occupied for the last 33 hours. Laid scattered across the room where paintings and drawing that were all covered with smears of red paint.   
  
Jared dropped his brother's hand and locked the door. He sat down in front of it and raised his left hand to his mouth. Curling up his legs, he began to bite the fingernails on his hand.   
  
Shannon took his eyes away from the mess of the room and looked towards his brother. Jared stared back up at him; he wanted Shannon to look at his work.   
  
The painting all showed various scenes. Some showed their mother, some the two brothers, some showed only Jared, many were of their father, and others had people that Shannon did not recognize. One of those people, a blond haired woman, was shown naked on a bed. The last one in the bunch showed their father laying in a pool of his own blood. His eyes held a blank stare that made Shannon turn away.   
  
Shannon looked back to his brother. His body was shaking as he sat down next to Jared on the floor.   
  
Jared was gently rocking himself back and forth. "Don't tell Momma, 'Non." Shannon wrapped an arm around Jared and pulled his brother's head against his chest. Shannon's tears fell onto his brother's head as the two sat in silence.  
  
Jared had shown his brother what he could not tell him.


	14. Breathe...Repeat...Listen and Begin to Heal

**Listen  
  
** "Granddad, Jer wants you to read him that story again with the bow and the animals." Shannon ran into his grandfather's study. The room was filled with everything Shannon associated with his grandfather: old books, various musical instruments, and military pictures on the wall. Jared's dog ran into the room next. It was Jared's dog and since Jared still wasn't speaking after six months, the dog remained nameless.   
  
"Jared wants to hear the story, does he? Well then, where is your brother?" Shannon's grandfather put down his paperwork and focused on the boy. The older man had a smile on his face that made the corner of his eyes wrinkle.  He was home on leave and the boys had been spending a lot of time with him. Jared and Shannon loved the stories that their grandfather told. His stories were always filled with magical creatures and heroic figures.   
  
"He didn't want to play today." Shannon said with a frown on his face. His brother had been slowly coming back to him over the months. Shannon didn't mind anymore that he didn't talk to him, he knew what Jared was telling him without having to hear him say it. Today, however, Jared wasn't allowing anyone near him. Shannon was hurt that his brother didn't want to play and thought that hearing a story would cheer him up. The story with the bow and the animals was Jared's favorite. The boys had heard it many times, but still continued to request it. Well, Shannon would request it for him when Jared wanted to hear it.  
  
"Maybe we should give your brother some space today." The adults had been monitoring Jared over the last couple of month. The dog had helped to get Jared to start eating and sleeping again. And playing with the dog and his brother had gotten Jared to go outside again. But sometimes it seemed like all the progress that they had made would go away for a couple of days and the boy that returned from the hospital would come back.  
  
"NO! No space!" Shannon wanted his brother back and he knew the story would do the trick.  
  
"Young man, you do not raise your voice to me. Do you understand?" His grandfather lifted his self out of the chair and knelt down beside his grandson. "I know that you don't like when he doesn't want to play, but we need to give Jared time to heal. Remember what we talked about in the story? Remember her brother was the god of healing?"  
  
"Yes, and she was the protector. Sometimes we have to let them do their job." Shannon looked his granddad in the eye. "Why didn't she do her job the first time?"  
  
"I don't know. I wish she did too." His grandfather got up and took his hand. "Why don't we go play the piano? I have a new song I would like to teach you."  
  
 ****

 **Begin to Heal  
  
** Shannon sat holding his brother. Shannon knew that his brother had to deal with a lot of issues stemming from the time that their father took him. From the police report, the family knew that Jared was in the room at the time that their father shot himself. The behavior that Jared exhibited after that event was determined to be due to the trauma of watching his father kill himself. That alone would made any child close themselves off from the world and be suspicious of the people they were suppose to trust.   
  
Looking at the images in the room, Shannon realized that the four year old boy that came back to them was holding on to more secrets than anyone knew.   
  
After holding his brother for a half an hour, Shannon had an idea.   
  
"Jer, do you want to hear a story?" Shannon felt his brother shift in his arms. Jared wanted to hear the story.   
  
"Artemis was born to Zeus and Leto one day before her twin brother, Apollo..."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artemis is the goddess of the wilderness, the hunt and wild animals, and fertility. She was known to have a love of animals and be the protector of the young. Her twin brother, Apollo is the god of music, the god of healing, and the god of the light and truth.
> 
> You may also know that Jared's black guitar is named Artemis.


	15. Breathe...Repeat...Lose It All and Lie

**Lose It All  
  
** It was still early morning when Jared and his dog bounced into his grandfather's study. Jared had been acting more and more like his previous self lately. It had been a long year, but at five and a half years old, Jared was beginning to find his way again. While he still wasn't talking to anyone, his grandfather had heard him singing the other day to his dog. The song was one that he had taught him and he was impressed that he knew all the words. Afraid that the boy would stop if he made himself known, his grandfather just looked on with a smile on his face. The man had missed the sound of his youngest grandson's voice. His grandson had talent.   
  
Jared found his grandfather lying on the couch in his study. He must of have been working on something late last night and fell asleep. Jared knew that he shouldn't disturb his grandfather when he was sleeping. His grandfather had been tired a lot lately and he needed his rest. However, everyone else was still asleep and he wanted to play the guitar with his grandfather. The instrument was almost as big as he was and he loved the sounds that he could make on it.   
  
Jared walked up quietly to his grandfather and put his hand on his arm. After giving him a slight nudge, he wondered why he couldn't hear his grandfather breathing. He was normally a loud sleeper. Jared gave his grandfather a big shake and still no response. Jared didn't like this.  
  
"Granddad? Wak' up." Jared whispered this into the man's ear. Louder he said, "Wak' up and I talk wit' you."   
  
Jared looked down at his dog when his grandfather didn't respond to him. The dog looked back at Jared with her head turned to the side. She didn't know what to do either.   
  
When his grandmother came to see why her husband never came to bed last night, she saw Jared lying on his grandfather's chest. The dog was sitting on the floor guarding the two.   
  
She smiled at the scene before her. As she walked further into the room, the smile began to fade from her face. Something was wrong. Jared looked up at his grandmother with tears in his eyes. His grandfather never woke up.   
  
The funeral was held four days later. Close family and friends attended. The 53 years old man had an inoperable form of cancer that he had been hiding from his family. With everything that had been going on with his daughter and grandchildren, he felt that it was best to keep this secret to himself. He knew that he didn't have much time to live and had been taking more and more time off to spend with his family. He used the time to pass down his knowledge to his grandsons. He introduced them to the arts, music, and myth.  
  
After his grandfather was laid to rest, Jared became even more reserved. After a week of keeping to himself and ignoring everyone around him, his young brain could not deal with all the pain. He blocked his memories of the past and began to act like a typical boy again.   
  
His family was overjoyed when he began to talk again. His mother and grandmother were worried that his grandfather's death would push Jared over the edge again. In a way it had, Jared's mind had to repress the memories in order to survive.   
  
****

**Lie  
  
** The brothers spent the good part of the morning sitting on the floor in Jared's room before they heard a knock on the door. Their mother must have began to wonder where her children were. Before the knock, Jared was lying with his head on his brother's lap. Once their mother knocked on the door, Shannon saw the panic return to his brother's eyes.   
  
"No, don't let her in. Don't let her see." Jared sat up quickly and braced his self against the door. "No 'Non. No."  
  
"Hey, I won't let her in. I am just going to talk to her." Shannon stood up and Jared soon followed. Jared pushed his brother hard against the door.   
  
"NO!" Jared looked down at his hands holding his brother against the wall. He had hurt his brother. "Don't tell."   
  
"I won't." Shannon placed his hands on top of his brother's arms and moved them down. "I am just going to tell her everything is okay. She is going to worry otherwise. You don't want her to worry about us, do you?"  
  
Jared shook his head "no."   
  
"Okay then. Wait here and I will go talk to her. I won't tell her. I swear." Shannon keep his voice low and even.   
  
Jared looked skeptical, but he trusted his brother. Reaching around his brother, Jared undid the lock.   
  
Shannon quickly opened the door and then shut it on his way out. Their mother stood waiting for him on the other side.   
  
"Honey, what happened?"   
  
"He is working on those memories. I don't think that you should go in there." Shannon did not want to kept this secret from his mother, but he didn't really know what Jared was hiding yet and didn't want to upset him further.   
  
"I'll wait downstairs." Constance trusted her son to take care of the situation. If Jared wasn't ready for her, she would wait for him. She hugged her son and whispered in his ear. "I love you."  
  
Shannon held on tighter and whispered back. "I love you."   
  
Jared was inside sitting on his bench. His breathing was getting erratic and he wondered what was taking his brother so long. He had a secret to tell him.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titles inspired from lyrics in "R-Evolve"


	16. Breathe...Repeat...Discover and Trust

**  
_Discover_ **

****Lips rushed together. Hands tugged at shirts. Bodies moved together in frantic rhythm.

"I want more." He moaned into Jared's ear before giving it a bite. Jared shivered from the touch but ignored the request. Removing his hands from under Craig's shirt, he grabbed the other boy's face to move his lips back to his. Jared returned the bite on Craig's lower lip before sliding his tongue back into the inviting mouth.

When the teenagers finally pulled apart, both were out of breath. Craig kept his eyes on Jared as his chest moved up and down in attempt to return oxygen to his flushed body. He removed his grip on Jared's shoulder length hair and slowly moved his hand down the other boy's chest. Once the hand reached the end of Jared's shirt, the boy pushed the material up to reveal sun-kissed skin. Using the tips of his fingers, he traced the line on Jared's stomach to the top of his pants. There, he curled his fingers under the band and moved his gaze back up to meet wide, blue eyes.

Jared took his eyes away from the other boy's and looked down at the hand. Craig and him had met two weeks ago at the small movie theater in town. Craig was working at the ticket booth and finally talked to Jared after seeing the boy come in many times. Craig was sixteen years old and went to a neighboring school. Therefore he did not know about the reputation Jared and his brother had at their own school. Fourteen year old Jared liked the fact that Craig knew very little about him.

"We have been doing this for the past week. I want more of you than just kissing. I want to feel you." Pulling on the other boy's pants, Craig drew Jared's panting body back towards his own. Keeping one hand curled under the waist of the pants, he used the other to guide Jared's lips back towards his own. Before they met, he whispered, "Let me touch you."

Jared kissed him back and attempted to ignore the hand that was so close to his dick. Jared was greatly unexperienced when it came to sex and he didn't like the idea of having someone else touch him down there. Jared only wanted to kiss. Jared really enjoyed kissing Craig.

When Craig slid his hand the rest of the way into Jared's pants, Jared panicked and shoved the boy away. Jared was thin but strong and the other boy ended up on the ground. Looking up at Jared, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?!"

Jared pushed his self away from the wall in back room of the movie theater and ran. He got a couple of strange stares as he ran through the lobby of the theater but he was used to strange stares.

Jared liked living in Haiti, everything that he needed was close to his house. The movie theater was within a 30 minute walk and he had been frequenting the place a lot since moving here. Running into his house, he quickly slammed the door behind him and sat down.

"Hey bro, how was the movie?" Shannon called out from the kitchen. Shannon went with his brother sometimes, but he was sick of watching _A Clockwork Orange_ after seeing it for the fifth time.  When Jared didn't answer, he walked into the living room and saw Jared sitting by the door. Jared face was flushed and his hair was falling in his face. "What happened to you?"

"Leave me alone. Why doesn't everyone just leave me the fuck alone?!" Jared jumped up from the floor and ran into his room. He shared the room with Shannon but he really wished he would stay away. Jared hadn't told Shannon about Craig yet. Jared didn't understand what the thing with Craig meant and he was waiting until he figured it out himself before sharing.

He didn't know if he was gay, but he really liked spending time with Craig.  Kissing Craig was even better than spending time with him. But Jared wasn't ready for more than that. The idea of touching someone like that made Jared uncomfortable.

He probably didn't have to worry about that anymore anyways because he had made a fool out of his self in front of Craig. The first person he ever really liked.

  
**Trust**

****Shannon closed the door behind him and found Jared sitting on the bench of his window. Jared's attention was on the squirrel gathering food in their backyard but he knew that his brother was back.

Standing up, he walked towards his brother and pulled him towards the bed. He pushed him down so that Shannon was sitting with his back leaning against the headrest and his right foot was on the floor. Jared crossed the room and grabbed the objects that he was looking for. Once he had them, he sat next to his brother and laid the items on the bed. One was the painting of the blond woman that Shannon did not recognize and another was a drawing of a small boy hiding in the dark.

"I know how to play a game. All the big boys have fun doing it. Do you want me to teach you?"

"Jared." Shannon looked on in confusion. He knew that his brother was trying to tell him something but he wasn't giving him much to work with.

"Now, now. Don't be afraid baby boy. I will make you feel good. Don't you want to feel good?" Jared sat staring at the pictures in front on him. He pulled away when Shannon tried to touch his arm. "No, stop that. I know you like this. I like this too."

Shannon watched on as his brother recalled the night with the woman.

"That's right. See it is not so bad. Give me your hand. Touch me here."

"Now, you don't want your mother and father finding out what you did. You don't want them to know what you liked it too. You don't want them to know your dirty secret. So you keep this between us. My sweet, sweet boy."


	17. Breathe...Repeat...Light the Fuse and Admit the Truth

**Light the Fuse**  
  
Shannon was worried about his brother. Jared was acting even more moody than his normal self. Their family had taught them to be free spirits and embrace their emotions in whatever form they came in. Jared and Shannon were known at the international school that they went to as the "weird kids." Haiti was a vastly underdeveloped country and their mother was doing some humanitarian work with the hospitals near Port-au-Prince.  
  
Most of the other international students that attended their school came from rich families who parents were there on business. Jared and Shannon, with their free spirit ways, stood out among the crowd of straight laced teenagers. The brothers were also known as being fiercely protective of one other and many people could attest to the fact that while small in stature, the brothers knew how to fight with the best of them.  
  
Shannon was known as the more reserved of the two brothers. He would normally only fight someone after Jared got in their face and Jared found himself outnumbered. Which was typically the case with the fights that Jared seemed to find himself in. Jared would not back down from anyone. Shannon sometimes wondered if Jared went to school looking for a fight.  
  
The fights were not always physical. Jared also liked to use his intelligence and wit to put people who messed with him in their place. Jared would always win those arguments.  
  
Both boys excelled in their school work when they went to school. Jared and Shannon already knew most of the stuff that the school was trying to teach them and the things they did not know where not considered important.  
  
The brothers would typically ditch school and go surfing. Other times they would do into the city and look around the various merchant booths. Their favorite time of year was during Carnival. During this time they embraced their Creole roots and got lost in the music and culture.  
  
For the last week, Jared had spent most of his time in their room alone. He didn't want to go to school and he didn't want to surf. Shannon tried to find out what was going on with his brother, but Jared would not share with Shannon. The family knew that Jared was still dealing with issues from their father, but Jared typically did not shut himself off for this long.  
  
Therefore, Shannon was surprised when he came back from the beach to find his brother waiting for him at the door.  
  
"Hey Shannon, want to go see a movie?" Jared asked with a smile on his face. Smiles were rare with teenager Jared, but Shannon was happy to see his brother in a good mood.  
  
"Yeah, just let me wash off this salt. Pick another movie to see though, I am sick of the other one."  
  
"No worries bro, the theater is showing _The Shining._ It only took them five years, but the theater is finally getting in touch with the times."  
  
"Great. Everyone could use a little modern horror in their life." Shannon called out as he went into the bathroom.  
  
The theater has not that busy. It was early on a Wednesday night and most people were home eating. Craig always worked on Wednesday nights and Jared hadn't seen him since the incident in the back room over a week ago.  
  
Craig wasn't at the ticket counter when they went to buy the tickets. That meant that either he was on break or he was working in another part of the theater tonight. Jared really hoped that he was just working somewhere else. That way he could excuse himself during the movie to go to the bathroom and take Craig's break with him.  
  
The brother sat down and made small talk while waiting for the movie to begin. Since there was hardly anyone at the theater to begin with and the fact that the brothers were early, they were the only two in the room.  
  
After a couple of minutes, Craig came in with some people that Jared did not know. Much like Craig did not know much about Jared, Jared did not know much about Craig.  
  
Craig was dressed in plain clothes and seemed to know the people he was with quite well. After walking past Jared and Shannon, Jared could hear that Craig was talking about them. Jared did not know much French, but from the words that he could pick out, Craig was not saying very nice things about the brothers.  
  
Jared felt the rage coursing through his body and he was out of his seat before he knew what he was doing. Shannon was left in mid conversation and looked on as his brother approached the group of boys.  
  
"If you are fucking going to talk about us, at least do it in English so I can understand what the fuck you are implying about me and my brother." Jared said after he was near the others.  
  
"I wasn't implying anything. I asked around about you. Seems you have quite the reputation Jared."  
  
"Don't believe what people tell you. They are fucking idiots."  
  
"Yeah, well. I think I know better than anyone that what they said was true. You are crazy."  
  
"You didn't mind that I was crazy a week ago when you had your tongue down my throat and your hand on my dick."  
  
"Whatever, you were cute and I was horny. And you didn't seem to like when I put my hand on your dick. You are just a confused child who doesn't know what he wants. Go run back to your brother, sweetheart."  
  
Jared had Craig on the floor before anyone noticed that Jared had moved. Jared sat on his chest and continued to punch Craig where ever he could until Shannon torn him away.  
  
"Don't you fucking call me that! Don't you ever call me that!" Jared screamed at the boy as Shannon pulled him out the door. Craig stayed laying on the ground, he was barely conscious.  
  
Shannon continued to guide his brother until they were outside in the clear air. Jared was still breathing hard and he was holding his chest.  
  
"Asshole. I hate him." Jared started walking around. His chest didn't feel right. His clothes felt too tight.  
  
"Jared, you don't look good." Shannon walked up to his brother and tried to stop him from moving around.  
  
"Shit, Shannon. I can't breathe. My chest." Jared bent at the waist and put his hands on his knees.  
  
"No, stand up straight. You are only making it harder to breathe like that." Shannon pulled his brother upright. Jared really did not look right.  
  
"Shannon, I think I'm having a heart attack. I can't breathe." Jared continued to hyperventilate.  
  
"You are not having a heart attack. Look at me. Jared, look at me!" Shannon grabbed his brother and made him face him. "Breathe. You can control this. Breathe."  
  
Jared kept his eyes on his brother and focused on his breathing. He was still pretty worked up, but he began to feel his chest loosen up and his heart slowed down.  
  
"Why do you keep secrets from me? You know I always find out." Shannon said after his brother had more color in his face.  
  
 ****

 **Admit the Truth**  
  
"Jared, did that woman hurt you?" Shannon asked calmly.  
  
Jared looked up with unshed tears in his eyes. His hair was beginning to fall out of the tie and onto his face as he slowly shook his head up and down, causing the tears to fall. Jared grabbed the red marker and wrote on the drawing of the hidden boy.  
  
As Shannon read, his own tears fell from his eyes. Jared had wrote one word. _Rape_


	18. Breathe...Repeat...Punish and Choose

**Punish  
  
** Jared's intelligence was both a blessing and a curse. He didn't have to try hard to pass his classes and therefore he felt like he rarely needed to attend them. Jared had spent his childhood reading every book he could get his hands on to  keep hiding from his memories. When he wasn't outside enjoying all that nature had to offer him, you could find him somewhere quiet with a book in his hand.   
  
At least that was the case up until the situation with Craig. Instead of spending time locked up with a book in his hand, Jared was out trying to find as much trouble as he could get himself into. Drugs would only numb his memories for so long and he found them to be overrated after the first use. Jared's drug of choice became sex.   
  
Jared knew the effect he had on people because of his looks. While he really did not see it himself, others found him attractive. His looks attracted all types, but the only ones that Jared found himself attracted to were the ones that would treat him like shit.  Male or female it didn't matter, Jared would seek out and find them all.   
  
His mother's work in Haiti finished at the end of the summer of his fourteenth year. After moving to Virginia, Jared's self-destructive behavior increased. Now in high school, he went to every class and received the highest marks. However, after school was over with, Jared put aside the good boy act and found himself in the shadiest of clubs and abandoned warehouses. The people that typically frequented these places were willing to take Jared in and most were willing to sleep with him.   
  
Jared found himself drawn to the bigger males the most. They were the ones that would be the roughest with him during sex. Females rarely took control.   
  
Shannon knew that Jared was spending his time with not the most desirable people, but he only found out that Jared was sleeping with most of them after coming home and finding his brother tied to the bed. The guy that Jared picked that night had a girlfriend and didn't want to use his place. Jared was reluctant to bring him back to his family's house, but everyone was going to be away for hours and he hadn't been able to find a male in ages.   
  
Other people that Jared had been with before had left marks on him, but he was always able to cover them up with clothing. The guy that tied Jared up didn't leave Jared that luxury. He had hit him repeatedly all over during sex and left Jared tied up naked after he was through with him. When Shannon found him, one of Jared's eyes was beginning to swell shut and he was bruised all over.   
  
Jared's mother decided after the incident that they were going to move away to escape Jared's behavior, but Massachusetts had the same places just different people. Jared was able to hide his behavior from his mother after that, but Shannon was on to him.   
  
Shannon tried to get his brother to stop, but Jared would not listen to him. He told Shannon to mind his own business and he continued to sleep with whoever would take advantage of him. Shannon hated the fact that his brother was self destructing and he could do nothing about it. He held on to a lot of guilt from his childhood. It killed him that he couldn't have been the one taken in Jared's place. Shannon began to drink to ease the guilt he felt. He hid the drinking from everyone.  
  
When Jared would come home in the middle of the night, he usually would slip into bed with his brother. He was still having his panic attacks and being close to his brother at night helped to keep them at bay. He didn't know why he continued to have sex with these people, it only made the panic attacks worse. He just did.   
  
His behavior continued until once again Jared found himself with someone that was a little too rough and his mother had enough. They moved to Washington, DC and Jared was enrolled in a school that would be able to challenge him instead of bore him. Emerson allowed Jared to choose his own coursework and instead of reading books he already knew by heart, he was able to study Asian culture and art history.   
  
Jared stopped sleeping around with every low life that he could find, but he didn't stop sleeping in the same bed as his brother.   
  
Jared decided that after graduating from Emerson, he wanted to be the first in his family to go to college. Art was a great way to channel his negative energy and with his high grades, Jared could get into any school that he wanted. Shannon was not so keen on the idea and began to increase his drinking.   
  
One night when their mother was gone visiting their grandmother, Jared came home late and Shannon knew where he had been. Shannon stayed up waiting for his brother to return.   
  
"Where the hell have you been? Ma leaves for one night and you are back to your old ways?" Shannon shouted to his brother when he slipped in the door. Jared was not expecting Shannon to be waiting for him and jumped back at the loud noise in the otherwise quiet room.   
  
"I was out. It is none of your fucking business where I was. So drop it." Jared said pushing his brother out of the way so he could move to the kitchen.   
  
"None of my fucking business? Jared, I have cleaned up way too many of your messes to have it be none of my business." Shannon watched as Jared opened the fridge and took out a drink.   
  
"I never asked you to clean up any of my messes. It is something that you always insist on doing."  
  
"So you wanted me to leave you tied to the bed so our mother could come home and see you spread eagle, naked on the bed? Is that that you wanted? Would that punish her enough?  
  
"I don't know what the hell you are talking about. I knew that you would find me. Besides that was over a year ago."  
  
"It wasn't the only time that I saved your ass. Though I don't know why, you always go back to your old ways. What do those people do for you that you can't stop yourself from going back?"  
  
"You mean what do they do for me that I won't let you do? Is that what you are getting at? Because I know that you love taking care of me. Always so concerned about what I am doing. Why don't you look at yourself for a change?"  
  
"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"  
  
"The bottles hidden in the closet. The smell on your breath when I come home. Did you think that I didn't know. Looks like you are turning into be quite the role model big brother."  
  
"I drink because of what you are doing. I want you to stop sleeping with those people."  
  
Jared walked across the room and moved his body close to his brother. He put his hand on his brother's chest and began to slowly move it down as he leaned in closer. "So you can sleep with me instead. Want to tie up your little brother and fuck him so hard he forgets who he is? Is that that you want?"   
  
Shannon pushed his hand away before it met his dick. "God, Jared! You were are so fucking full of yourself."  
  
"Maybe you should fill me up instead then. You would like that. That way I am completing dependent on you. Maybe you should drink a little more, maybe it would loosen you up so you can finally get yourself laid." With that, Jared walked around his brother and into their room.   
  
****

**Choose  
  
** After Jared wrote the word on the picture, he picked up both pictures and moved them back across the room. This time he picked up a painting of the brothers and the painting of his father laying with the blank stare. Coming back to the bed, he laid them in front of his brother.   
  
"He picked the right boy."


	19. Breathe...Repeat...Pretend and Fail

    

**  
Pretend  
  
** Jared graduated from Emerson at the top of his class and was offered scholarships to various art colleges. One in Philadelphia was offering him the most money and he was ready for a change. He had lived in a lot of places since his childhood, but he had never been to Philadelphia. It would be the first time that he would be on his own and he was trepidacious about living without his family nearby. Shannon didn't want to go to college. He decided that he wanted to follow in the footsteps of his grandmother and become a photographer. Shannon had been taking photographs since he was young and showed great talent.  
  
After the night of the argument between the boys, things had been tense between the brothers. Shannon didn't like the fact that his brother was still sleeping around and Jared didn't like the fact that Shannon was still drinking.  
  
After the second night of trying to sleep by himself, Jared laid awake and thought about when they were too young to worry about college and finding a job. These thoughts brought on memories of childhood that Jared still did not want to explore. After Craig called him "sweetheart," Jared had been having recurring images of a woman without a face. The woman made him feel fear, but his mind wouldn't tell him why. Sleeping around with the various people he could find to take control over him had sharped the image of the woman over time. But she was still a blur and Jared did not know the significant of why she was haunting him.  
  
Deciding that he wasn't going to get any sleep if he continued to stay in his bed and focused on the past, he walked across the tiny room and slipped into bed with his brother. The boys had slept together many nights and had perfected the art of sharing a full size bed. Shannon was laying on his side and Jared moved so that he was pressed up against his back. When he went to put his arm around his brother's midsection, Shannon pushed it away.  
  
"I don't want to deal with any of your mind games tonight. You can sleep in my bed, but keep your hands to yourself."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Do you even know what you are sorry for? Or are you just figuring what lapdog Shannon will forgive you so he can get his rocks off by sleeping in the same bed as his little brother?"  
  
"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I may have meant to at the time, but I regret saying those things."  
  
"Actions speak louder than words Jared."  
  
"I wasn't with anyone that night. I haven't been with anyone in awhile actually." Jared said into the back of Shannon's neck.  
  
Shannon turned around and faced his brother. "Then why were you gone all night?"  
  
Jared avoided Shannon's stare and looked down at the faded Metallica t-shirt his brother was wearing. After pausing to find his words, Jared replied, "There is this house across town. I saw it as I was walking around one day. Seeing it I began to wonder who lived in that house and what it would be like if I lived there. A large two-story house with a two car garage and toys in the front yard. So one day when I was walking past it, I decided that I wanted to go in that house. I waited until the family left and went through the back garage door. That house had the nicest stuff I have ever seen. I went into the living room and closed my eyes and imagined that it was my house. The toys laying around belonged to my kids and the magazines on the couch belonged to my wife."  
  
"Jared." Shannon reached out and pulled his brother closer.  
  
"The memories of the past were not mine anymore. They were someone else's and I was a successful man that only had to worry about finding a babysitting for Saturday night so I could take my wife out for our anniversary." Jared moved closer to his brother. "I have been going back to that house and waiting for them to leave again so I can go back in there."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Shannon said into his brother's hair.  
  
"I don't know. It was my secret. A place that was all my own."  
  
After the confession to his brother, their relationship returned to how they were with each other before leaving for Virgina. Jared turned to Shannon for comfort and stayed away from the people that only wanted to use him. Shannon also began to open up more with his brother and stopped his drinking. Their relationship continued to grow and soon it was time for Jared to go to college.  
  
Their family did not have much growing up, but his mother had kept everything that meant something to them. Jared was looking through his mother's keepsakes to find a book of his grandfather's. The book, _The Fountainhead,_ was one of his grandfather's favorites and he wanted to bring some of his grandfather with him as he went off to college.  
  
Jared found the book under a box of old photographs. Some were taken by his grandmother, some were even older than that, and some had people that Jared did not recognize. Digging through the pictures, Jared came across a picture of his mother when she was young. Her long blond hair was in pig-tails and she looked to be twelve years old. Smiling at the image, Jared went on to the next. A picture of his mother in a cheerleader uniform made Jared laugh and he turned to the next photo. This photo stopped the laughter. It was of his mother and father. It was probably taken soon after they met. Both of them were dressed in formal ware and they were smiling at the camera with their arms around each other. His mother looked the same as she did now and his father looked like the image reflected back at Jared everyday when he looked in the mirror. Taking the photo with him, Jared left to find his mother.  
  
His mother was in the kitchen on the phone with his grandmother. She looked over to Jared as she saw him come in the room. The smile on her face faded as she felt the anger radiating off of her son. "Hey, Jared just came in. I'll have to let you go. Okay, I'll tell him that. Love ya, bye."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jared shouted at his mother.  
  
"Tell you what?" Constance hung up the phone and walked toward her son.  
  
"How can you stand to look at me? Everyday, you see me and you must think about him!" Jared threw the photo down on the table. Constance looked over to the picture and understood the anger her son was showing.  
  
"Yes, you look like him, but you are not him. You are two separate people."  
  
"Bullshit. You fucking see him when you look at me and you know it!"  
  
"When I look at you I see my son. Only my son."  
  
"That is a fucking lie. You must like that I look like him, that way you can still be close to him. It wasn't enough that he tortured you when he was alive, now he is torturing you in his death."  
  
"I stayed with your father because I had two small children and no job. I tried to leave him once I knew that I would have something to fall back on. I wanted to leave him many times throughout our marriage, I just never had the opportunity."  
  
"You had grandma and granddad. You had chances, you just never took them. And then look what happened after you finally decided to stand up for us. I'm proof that you should have tried harder to leave that bastard sooner."  
  
"Jared, I regret staying with him everyday of my life. But I will never regret meeting him because that brought me my children. You may look like your father, but you are growing up to be ten times the man he ever was."  
  
"I don't believe you. I'm a fuck up just like him."  
  
****

**Fail  
  
** Jared sat down on his bed and leaned against his brother.  
  
"Daddy picked the right boy. He said that we had to stick together. I was his boy through and through. He said that you were my mother's son and God gave me to him to balance things out."  
  
Jared turned over the picture of the brothers and moved the painting of their father on top of it.

  
"Daddy found out about the blond woman. I told him that I said 'no.' He knew that I was bad. He didn't want me growing up like him."  
  
Jared continued after a long pause, "When Daddy bought the gun, it was for me."


	20. Breathe...Repeat...Make Me Miss You

Jared was worried about moving away from his family and all that he knew, but his adventurous side was looking forward to the new experience. After giving his grandmother a long hug and a promise that he would regularly call her he moved on to his mother. The fight that they had a couple of days before was forgotten that same night when Jared came back to his mother in tears. He apologized for yelling at her like he did and he kept repeating that he knew she did the best that she could. His mother was understanding, she held a lot of guilt and shame from the time that she spent with her husband. Constance meant what she said earlier. Jared may look like his father, but when she looked at him all she saw was her son.   
  
"Don't let the past hold you back. Embrace this experience and use it to your advantage. This is a way to start over again. Just don't forget us in the process." Constance said as she held her son close to her.   
  
"I can never forget where I came from and I can never forget the ones that helped me to get to where I am. I'm moving away physically, but I will never be far away from the ones that I love." Jared held his mother a little tighter before he released her. He tried to ignore the tears in her eyes as he moved on to his brother.   
  
"Shit, Shannon. I am not going to be able to do this." Jared said as his brother wrapped him in his arms. "What the hell am I thinking?"  
  
"You can do this and you want to do this. Prove it to yourself that you can." Shannon pulled back from the embrace. "Plus, I'm fucking going to come and visit you whenever I can get the money. Don't take away my opportunity to get away from working with grandma. You know she is not going to let me slack off."   
  
"You need the discipline." Jared smiled at his brother. Lowing his voice, he continued. "I don't know what I am going to do about the panic attacks. You are the only one who knows how to stop them."  
  
"You know how to stop them. You have just been using me as a crutch. Plus, I hope that you are going to have a telephone in your apartment. You can always call me."  
  
"It won't be the same."  
  
"Nothing ever is."  
  
Jared's roommate turned out to be a musician. However, unlike Jared's family approach to music, Patrick was classically trained. Jared was amazed at the beautiful sounds his roommate could get his guitar to make, but he still preferred his own method. There was something so organic about letting the instrument tell you what to do and not caring if what came out as not technically right.  
  
His roommate was more reserved and liked to keep to himself. However, the art students that Jared met at the school were as free spirited as he was. Sometimes, a little too free spirited. Jared kept to himself for the first couple of weeks of classes. He was missing his family and didn't really see anyone that he had the desire to get to know better. He still didn't trust himself in relationships and decided that he was only going to focus on his schoolwork and leave the social scene up to someone else. He was never big on parties anyways.   
  
His classes were not hard. The art classes that he was required to take were all introductory the first year and Jared hardly had to do any work  to keep up his grade in those classes. His general study courses also proved to be easy, but again these were all introductory classes that were required. Jared laughed to himself when the professor assigned a book for them to read throughout the semester that Jared had read when he was ten. Jared had spent long hours reading in the libraries of the various places his family lived.  
  
Time went quickly. The panic attacks still happened and he was positive that his roommate thought he had asthma because of his breathing at night. His roommate also looked at him strange when Jared would spend the evening mediating with his eyes closed. Jared told himself that he was only going to call Shannon during a panic attack if he absolutely could not control it himself. In the two months that he was away, he called Shannon five times while having one. There was something about Shannon's voice that always made them go away sooner.  
  
When the semester ended, Jared went back home to spend the holiday with his family. He was glad to be able to eat something else besides noodles and butter.  During that time, Shannon told Jared about a guy that he had been seeing. He was a amateur off road race car driver and he was preparing to go pro. Shannon really liked the Joe and he introduced Jared to him the second night he was back. Jared was happy for his brother, but he was also jealous that he brother had found someone else to be close with in Jared's absence.   
  
He spent the first two nights sleeping in his own bed, but began to sleep in Shannon's the third night. He missed sleeping in a bed with someone else.   
  
Right before Jared was to leave to go back to Philadelphia, Shannon didn't come home one night. Jared had once again gotten used to sleeping near someone and had trouble falling asleep. Shannon came home in the morning with a smile on his face and found his brother asleep in his bed.  
  
As he laid down next to his brother, Jared woke up and said with sleep in his voice. "Out all night I see. Did the boy wonder rock your world?"  
  
"He is amazing in every way. We made love and then held each other. God, that sounds pathetic but I don't care."  
  
"I'm glad that you found someone. You tell him that you also sleep with your brother?" Jared added the last bit and couldn't hide the hurt in his voice.   
  
"I told him a little bit about you and our past. He knows that we are close, but no, I did not tell my boyfriend that I have been sleeping in the same bed as my brother for a number of years. However understanding he is of my relationship with you, I think that is a little too much for anyone to handle."   
  
"You could have called and said that you weren't going to come home." Jared said as he moved to get out of bed. Shannon grabbed his arm before Jared could completely leave the bed.   
  
"Don't do this Jared. I am happy with him. Let me have this."   
  
Jared pulled his arm away from his brother and left the room. Shannon turned so that he was laying on his back and took a deep breath.   
  
When the next semester started, Jared began to question why he was going to school to learn things that he already knew. Much like the semester before, he was unchallenged in his work. He began to spend his free time at the old movie theaters in the city. There he would escape into the movies of the past and forget himself for the hour and a half that the movie was occupying his thoughts. Sometimes he would just stay in the theater and wait for the next showing.   
  
After his professors started telling Jared what kind of art he should be doing, Jared decided that art school was not going to be the right fit for him. He was paying money that he really didn't have to have some artist that couldn't make it on their own tell him how he should be expressing himself. Jared decided that he wanted to make movies. Much like art, he had been fascinated with them for a long time. Jared finished out the semester in Philadelphia and then transferred to New York to study film.   
  
His roommate in New York liked to go out and explore the party scene. John typically did not come home at night. Jared really didn't care what his roommate did just as long as he kept up his part of the rent. His roommate tried to get Jared to come with him on several occasions, but after Jared continuously refused to go, he gave up. However, every time that he would go out, John called out that Jared was wasting his good looks by sitting home alone all night.   
  
Film school was different than art school. There were still many free spirited individuals but there were also the super serious film makers of tomorrow that were just waiting until they could make a film that was going to change the world. Jared thought that these people were a little too serious and ignored them just as he did the others.   
  
New York had more movie theaters than Philadelphia and Jared found himself in a new one every other week. At one theater, someone came in halfway through the movie and sat down in the seat next to Jared. Jared was confused as to why this man was sitting next to him when the theater had many open spots. As the credits came on the scene, the man next to Jared started to give his opinion on the movie. Jared agreed with the points that he was making and found himself curious about the man.  
  
The next time that Jared went to a theater, he decided to go back to the same one that he met the man in. He was hoping that the older man would be there again. The theater was showing the same movie throughout the day. Jared bought his ticket and sat down. He tried to not make it obvious that he kept looking for the brunette. The movie started and finished with no sign of the man. Jared decided to stay for the next showing.  
  
Halfway through that movie, the man showed up. He did a quick scan on the dark theater and found Jared. He smiled as he sat down next to him. Leaning towards Jared, he whispered, "I hoped that you would come back. I'm Nathan."  
  
"Jared. I was looking for you too."  
  
Nathan took Jared out to dinner afterward and the two spent the whole meal talking about movies, art, and music. Nathan was a art professor at a nearby college. When Jared told him that he had been an art student last year, the man asked why he quit. Jared explained that he didn't need anyone to tell him what his art was or what he should do, so he decided to become a film major.   
  
Jared found himself attracted to the professor and the feeling scared him. His one night stands in the past were never intimate. They fucked and then normally never saw each other again. The most inmate relationship he had ever had was with his brother. Jared didn't know how to be in a relationship with anyone but he wanted to try with Nathan.   
  
Nathan and Jared continued meeting at the movie theater and then going out to dinner afterward. Nathan told Jared about his undergraduate experience and why he wanted to become a professor. When Nathan started talking about his childhood and his family, he noticed that the once talkative Jared became very quiet.  
  
Sitting in Jared's apartment, Nathan asked Jared why he never talked about his family.   
  
"I don't know. I have one, if that is what you mean. My mother has had various jobs and continues to move around the country. My grandmother is a photographer and is living in Texas with my brother."  
  
"See, I never knew that you had a brother. What does he do? Is he an artist as well?" Nathan moved so that he was closer to Jared on the couch.   
  
"Shannon is a photographer, among many things. He is working with our grandmother right now."  
  
"Shannon is an unusual name for a man. Is he older or younger than you?"   
  
"Older and it is not that unusual." Jared breathing was beginning to increase. He tried to control what he knew was going to happen. Standing up, he moved to look out the window. "I have an assignment that I need to work on that is due next week. I probably should get back to that."  
  
"Not so fast. Knowing you, you probably have the whole thing done but are obsessing over every little detail." Nathan stood up and walked behind Jared. He wrapped his arms around Jared's stomach and pulled him back to him. "Why are you trying to get me to leave?"  
  
"I'm not. Just the assignment isn't done and it needs work." Jared kept his gaze looking out the window. He felt his heart rate increasing. A panic attack was coming and he really did not want to embarrass himself in front of Nathan. Pushing Nathan's arms away, he turned around and looked into the older man's eyes. "We can meet again next weekend."  
  
"You don't look good, are you alright?"   
  
"I'm fine." Jared said was he walked toward the door. He stood next to the open door and waited for Nathan to get the hint.   
  
"Fine, you can get rid of me tonight, but I am holding you to your word about next weekend." Nathan stopped as he walked past Jared and leaned down to give him a kiss. In the month that they had been seeing each other, Jared never let Nathan get further than kissing.   
  
"Next week for sure." Jared forced a smile and then shut the door. Sitting down in front of the door, Jared closed his eyes and focused on his breathing.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Make Me Miss You" is taken from "Carpe Diem Baby" by Metallica.


	21. Breathe...Repeat...Seek and Find

**Seek  
  
** John found out that Jared had a boyfriend. Jared never told John that he was into guys. Mainly because he didn't think that it was all that relevant to whether or not he would be a good roommate. John was just happy that Jared found someone and if that someone would be able to get Jared out more than it didn't matter whether it was a guy or not.  Jared refused to label himself as gay when John asked if he was. He said that he didn't believe that gender was all that important with emotions. Either you felt something for someone or you didn't. Excluding people based on their gender alone was only focusing on one small aspect of the person. Jared continued on with his answer until John informed him that he really wasn't all that interested in Jared's philosophical take on attraction. He only asked a simple question and was expecting a "yes" or "no" answer. Jared informed him that the question could not be answered with a "yes" or "no" response in his case.     
  
John was so happy with the information, he offered Jared the apartment for the weekend. Jared told him that that was not necessary, but John winked and said that the place was all his. When Nathan called on Thursday night, John answered the phone and relied the information to Nathan before Jared could stop him. Nathan took the information as an invitation and told Jared that he would be over Friday night to cook Jared dinner.   
  
Nathan arrived early with a bag of groceries and an overnight bag. After giving Jared a quick kiss, he went into the small kitchen and began to work on his feast for the evening. Jared stayed out of his way and worked on some homework that wasn't due until next month. Every so often, Jared would look up from his position on the couch and smile at how concentrated Nathan was on cooking the meal. Jared swore that more than once he saw Nathan's tongue sticking out as he stirred the pasta. Jared was surprised that he was letting himself fall for the older man.  
  
"No homework this weekend, you are all mine." Nathan said as he took the book out of Jared's hand and shut it with the notebook Jared had been writing in to mark his spot. After sitting the book aside, he grabbed both of Jared's hands and pulled him up until he was flush against the other man. Nathan put Jared's arms around his own waist and then moved his around Jared's. "I have been thinking about this weekend non stop since last night. God, has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?"  
  
"Don't say that." Jared laid his head on Nathan's shoulder to avoid the other man's eyes. "People only say that when they want something from someone."  
  
"The only thing that I want from you is you."   
  
"Still. Just don't call me that." Jared pulled back to look at the other man's face. "Is dinner ready? I haven't eaten all day."  
  
"I swear if I didn't see you eat myself, I would think that you never do." Nathan wrapped his arms tighter around the smaller man to prove his point. "Dinner is ready."  
  
Nathan filled Jared in on his week over dinner. He was really excited about his art history class he was going to teach next year because the university finally approved his proposal to modernize the course to allow in more controversial subjects. Jared gave his opinion on the subject and then talked about the assignment one of his professors had assigned. He was required to write his own script for a scene that had to deal with a topic. The professor assigned topics and Jared had been given the subject of child abuse.  
  
"It sickens me what people can do to children. Children that they are suppose to love and take care for. Some people don't deserve to be parents." The meal was over with and they were both clearing the table.   
  
"Yeah, I suppose that is true." Jared didn't know why he brought up the assignment. He was struggling with what he wanted to do with the project. Somewhere in the corner of Jared's mind he also realized that he wanted to know what Nathan had to say about the subject.   
  
"You should write about the mother abusing her children. The father always gets written as the bad guy in movies." Jared was rinsing off the dishes and Nathan moved to stand directly behind him. Leaning down, he began to kiss Jared's neck. "Leave them."   
  
Jared closed his eyes and turned his head to give more access to the older man. "Okay."   
  
Nathan turned Jared around quickly and attacked his mouth. The back of Jared's pants got soak through from the water that was on the counter as Nathan pushed him back against it.   
  
Jared felt himself sinking into Nathan's arms and after a couple of minutes he had to pull back to catch his breath.   
  
"We need to talk." Jared was looking at the floor when he said this. "There are things that you don't know about me."  
  
"Whatever it is, I doubt that it is going to change the way that I feel about you." Nathan leaned back down to capture Jared's lips again but Jared moved out from Nathan embrace and walked into the living room.  
  
Sitting down on the couch, Jared waited for Nathan to join him before he began to talk.   
  
"I, um, I...My past is not something that I am proud of but it is still apart of who I am. You should know who I am before this goes any further."   
  
"Okay. I am listening." Nathan rubbed the top of Jared's hand with his thumb.   
  
"My father, he, um..he was not a good man. When I was, um,  young, he, he kidnapped me. I don't remember much about the time because I was very young. When I was, um,  fourteen years old, I began to sleep around with people. As much as I was trying to punish myself, I always make sure that the sex was safe. I have been tested and I am clean." Jared could feel his heart beating fast and it wasn't because of the kissing a few minutes earlier.   
  
"We all have a past. I didn't expect that you were a virgin. I'm sorry about what your father did and the effect that he had on you. It still doesn't change what I feel about you."  
  
"I have never done this before."  
  
"You just said..."  
  
"I have never had a relationship with anyone before. No one that I cared about. I am scared that I am going to fuck this up somehow if I allow myself to sleep with you. I don't want to mess this up." Jared's breathing was once again increasing.   
  
"We can go slow. I want you, but I can wait."   
  
"I don't trust myself to have sex with you, but I would like to sleep with you tonight. Just sleep." Getting out the information help calm Jared a little bit.   
  
"I would like that." Nathan leaned over and began to kiss Jared. The kiss started out chase but grew in intensity. Jared put his hand on the back of Nathan's neck and drew him down so that the man was on top of him on the couch. Nathan shifted his body to get into a more comfortable position over the younger man. Feeling Nathan on top of him, Jared instinctively opened his legs to let the other man rest between them. Nathan moaned into the kiss as his lower body met Jared's.   
  
After a couple minutes of heavy kissing, Nathan moved his hand to rest on Jared's hip and then slowly moved it between their bodies. Right as he put his hand on Jared's dick, Jared stopped and pushed him back.   
  
"No." Jared looked up at Nathan embarrassed by his action. He wanted this, but he knew that he was not going to be able to sleep with Nathan.   
  
"I'm sorry, you have to leave." Jared pushed the other man out of the way and stood up quickly. "I can't. You, I. No."  
  
Jared began to pace back and forth as Nathan looked on from the couch.   
  
"Hey, calm down." Nathan said as he attempted to stop Jared from moving around.   
  
"Don't fucking tell me to calm down. Leave!"  
  
Nathan left after Jared's outburst and left him alone for the rest of the weekend. He called five times the next week but Jared either never answered the phone or he hung it up once he heard Nathan's voice.   
  
Jared stayed in New York for the next month. He didn't go to the movies anymore and he didn't go to class. His college experience was over with. He packed up his stuff when John was gone. He wrote John a note telling him how sorry he was and that he hoped that he found a new roommate soon.   
  
Jared went to the one person he always felt comfortable with. Shannon had followed Joe to Indiana in his quest to turn pro. Shannon found that he liked cars as well and got into demolition derby. Joe went on to another state and Shannon decided that the relationship was over with. He stayed in Indiana and continued to run the cars.   
  
"Embracing your white trash roots big brother?" Jared called out to Shannon over the roar of the crowd. Jared went to the address Shannon sent him and found a nice girl who told Jared where Shannon was. The arena was large and smelled of fuel.   
  
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Shannon turned away from his group of people and grabbed Jared into a big hug.   
  
"Think Misty will mind if your brother moves in?" Jared said once Shannon released him.   
  
"What going on?" Shannon pulled Jared into the back stage area where it was more quiet.  
  
"I fucked up again." Jared said as he began to cry. Shannon pulled him back into a hug and the brothers stayed in each other's arm as the crowd continued to roar in the background.   
  
****

**Find  
  
** "Daddy pointed the gun at me and said that I should not be afraid. Jesus was going to save me, but I knew that Jesus would know about the blond lady too. I told Daddy I said 'no.' Daddy had a weird look in his eye and then he put the gun to his head. BAM!"  
  
With the last word, Jared jumped up and ran to the corner. He sat down and continued his story. "Blood 'Non. Blood everywhere. Blood on me too."   
  
Jared looked down at the red paint on his clothes and freaked. Jumping up he ran to the door and struggled with the door knob. Once he was able to open the door, he ran into the bathroom. Shannon ran after his brother.   
  
Jared jumped into the shower and turned the hot water on full blast. As the water began to come down on him, Jared sat down and began to franticly rub his clothes to get the paint off.  
  
"Daddy's blood. Daddy's blood on me."   
  
Shannon went into the bathtub with his brother and attempted to stop him from rubbing at the imaginary blood. "Jared stop."  
  
"No 'Non. Daddy's blood on me." Jared pushed Shannon's hands away and began to rub at the paint on his arms.   
  
"Jared, stop!" Shannon grabbed both of Jared's arms and held them away from Jared's body.   
  
"I said 'no.' I said 'no.' Daddy didn't believe me. You didn't find me, 'Non. I couldn't find you." Jared looked at his brother with tears in his eyes.   
  
"I'm sorry I wasn't there. I am here now." Shannon pulled his brother into his arms and held his brother as he continued to cry. Once Shannon was sure that Jared wasn't going to move away, Shannon released one of his hands and turned off the water.


	22. Breathe...Repeat...Surrender and Defend

  
**  
** **Surrender**

****The once warm water of shower turned cold on the brothers' skin. Shannon started to feel Jared shake from cold when he heard a knock on the door.

"Can I get you anything?" Constance asked standing on the outside of the bathroom. The door was still partially open from when Shannon ran after his brother.

Hearing his mother's voice, Jared tensed up in Shannon's arms.

"Don't tell." Jared whispered into Shannon's wet shirt.

"I know." Shannon said quietly as he held his brother. Turning his head towards the door, he called out to his mother. "Can you get us some warm clothes?"

"Sure. Give me a minute."

As Constance turned to walk away, she heard Shannon call out to her to wait. Shannon  realized that she would have to go into Jared's room to get his clothes.

"Jared, I need to go get us some warm clothes. I don't want you to stay in the tub." Shannon pulled his brother back so Jared could look at him. "I don't want you to stay alone either so Ma is going to stay with you. Is that alright?"

Jared shook his head "no." His mother would know and he couldn't let her find out.

"Then the door will stay open and she will stay outside, but you have to get out of the tub. Okay?"

Jared looked at his brother with wide eyes. After a minute, he stood up and Shannon followed. Finding a towel, Shannon wrapped it around his brother and rubbed Jared's arms to get some warmth back to him. He moved Jared so he was standing against the sink counter and then got his own towel to quickly dry off with.

"I will be right back." Shannon threw the towel into the corner of the room and turned around to once again face his brother. Jared stood against the counter with the towel around his shoulders. His wet hair fell around his face. Shannon had never seen his brother look so unsure of himself. "I will be right back."

When Shannon went out to the hallway, his mother gave him a concerned look when she saw the wet clothes.

"Shannon, what the hell is going on in there? I heard a loud noise and then the shower kick on. Once I didn't hear anything else for awhile I decided to come check on you. Why are your clothes wet?"

"Because...Jared is still working on some stuff." Shannon wanted to tell this mother everything, but Jared was still too fragile right now for Shannon to tell. "I don't know what I am doing."

"Is he alright?" Constance started to go into the bathroom but Shannon stopped her by grabbing her arm.

"Wait! Just wait outside. He isn't ready for you yet. He is scared." Shannon moved closer to his mother and continued with his voice low. "He is calling me 'Non, Ma. He hasn't done that since we were little."

The brothers had drove their mother crazy during their younger years with the language they had developed to communicate with each other. She wasn't sure if Jared started calling his brother 'Non because it was easier to say or if it was apart of their code. She hadn't heard Jared refer to his brother by that name is over twenty-five years.

"Go get some clothes. I'll stay here." Constance moved back so she was leaning against the wall. Jared's demons had finally caught up with him.  
 **  
**  


 

  
**Defend**

****Misty was someone that Shannon had met through Joe. Joe and Shannon had been staying with her before Shannon and Joe parted ways. The local girl welcomed Jared into the apartment when Shannon asked if he could stay. Shannon had been a little down lately and she thought that having family around would help his mood.

One night two months after the brothers had reunited, Misty got a phone call at 2:30 in the morning from the police department asking if she wanted to accept a collect call. Shannon was on the other line and asked if she would go into his room and get some cash to bail the brothers out. Shannon didn't say why they had gotten arrested, but Misty said she would be right over.

Misty paid the police officer and signed some papers. The brothers were released an hour later. Shannon and Jared came out into the lobby at the same time. Jared looked like someone had beaten him up pretty badly and Shannon had a cut lip.

The brothers were quiet on the ride home and went to their room after Shannon thanked Misty for all her trouble.

Misty found out the next morning what had happened to the boys at her job. She was a waitress at the local diner and the boys that her roommates got in a fight with came in for breakfast. They too had been arrested and wanted to eat something after their long night in jail.

"Those fucking fags. The pretty boy one is always hanging on that short one. It is disgusting."

"We kicked their asses good. I can't believe the pretty boy thought I were interested in him."

"What can I get ya boys this morning?" Misty asked with a sweet smile on her face. The one that called the boys "fags" looked up at her and gave her a smile in return.

"Anything you got sweetheart."

"I'll take your number to go." The other man said looking up at Misty with one black eye.

"Oh, aren't you boys sweet. What happened to ya'lls faces?" Misty continued with her fake smile.

"Had to put some people back in their place is all. We got some fags thinking they can run the cars down at Anderson Speedway. One of them didn't like us telling them to fuck off."

"Yeah, but we showed them." The other man piped back in.

When Misty came back home after her shift was over, she found the brothers sitting on the couch. When Jared first moved in, Misty thought that the relationship the brothers had was a little strange. She had seen how Joe and Shannon acted when they were together and if she didn't know that Jared was his brother, she would have swore that Shannon broke up with Joe to be with Jared.

That was why when she heard the two men at the diner talking about two boys at the speedway acting a little too friendly with each other, she figured they were talking about her roommates.

"So the guys ya'll got in a fight with last night were at the diner. Seems like they didn't take too kindly to seeing ya huggin' or something. You sure did pick some ugly boys to mess with." Misty tossed her purse and keys down on the table and kicked off her shoes. "Seems like Jared got the worst of it."

"They were talking shit about us so I got in their face. One of them didn't like it when I suggested that he had some build up gay frustration and he should look into taking care of that. I said that I would offer my services but I don't sleep with inbred red necks. The fucker attacked me when I was walking away." Jared said sitting from his spot next to his brother. Jared's face was swollen on one side and his hand was wrapped up.

"Listen, Misty. I really appreciated all that you have done for me and my brother, but we need to head out. Indiana has run its course for us. I can give you money for the next two months for rent, but we need some money to get where we are going." Shannon talked for both him and his brother.

"Yeah, I figured ya'll wouldn't be staying around here long. I sensed that ya'll have gypsy souls. Can never stay in one place for too long before you feel the need to head out. Where ya'll heading out to?"

"An across country trip with the final destination being California." Shannon said with a smile on his face.

"Yeah, what's out there for ya?" Misty said finally sitting down.

"Endless possibilities." Jared said looking at his brother.


	23. Breathe...Repeat...Find Your Voice and Rest Your Eyes

**  
Find Your Voice  
  
** The Leto family always appreciated the magic of music. Jared and Shannon had grown up around numerous musicians and artists, including their grandfather. Instruments were always around, even then the family was the poorest they had ever been. Music was always a comforting constant.   
  
Shannon showed signs that he was destined to play the drums at a very early age. Every young child has banged on some pots and pans to pass the time, but Shannon started to come up with his own beats when he was four years old. When he was twelve, he tried out for a jazz ensemble and got a spot. However, when he went to retry out the next year, he found that the real world expected him to be able to read music. Amazing that the world always has to classify and quantify everything. Music cannot just be sounds and emotion, it has to be musical notion on a paper.   
  
Jared also showed signs that he was musically talented at a young age. Jared loved going to church because he got to sing along with the choir. Unfortunately, Jared's singing stopped when he was returned from his father's kidnapping. Before his grandfather died, he heard Jared's voice once again singing to his dog. His grandfather kept Jared's singing a secret and Jared never knew that his grandfather would sometimes watch him silently from a distance.   
  
His grandfather had a way of putting Jared at ease. He used music to get Jared to interact with his family. With music, Jared didn't have to talk to express his emotions. After their grandfather's death, his grandmother gave Jared his grandfather's guitar. Jared was still too little to play it by himself properly but would put it on the floor and strum the strings. However, he stopped singing again after his grandfather's death.   
  
"Seriously though, what are we going to do to support ourselves in Los Angeles?" Shannon said from the back seat of his car. Jared had just informed him that they had passed Rock Springs, Wyoming.  
  
"We are going to get a record deal and change the way people classify music."   
  
"Really. I didn't know it was that easy to get a record contract."   
  
"It may not be easy, but nothing that is worthwhile ever is. I thought that you were going to go to sleep." Jared turned around and smiled. Shannon was curled up in the back with his hat hiding his face.  
  
"I don't know if you noticed, but I am crammed up in the backseat of a Fiesta. Besides, keep your eyes on the road."   
  
"How to you know I wasn't?"   
  
"Oh, I know all brother."   
  
Jared threw his pop bottle at Shannon without looking. When he heard "asshole" in return, he smiled again.   
  
"Didn't know that was coming, now did you?"   
  
In Barstow, the brothers' money had run out and they decided that they would need to sell the car to make it the rest of the way. Jared found a man that was willing to give him $600 for the car and the deal was made. The brothers hitched hiked the rest of the way and found themselves in L.A. with $500 dollars to their name and no where to go.   
  
Jared, being the ever adventurous one, decided that they should sleep on the beach to commemorate their first night in the city. Shannon thought that it was one of the dumbest ideas he had heard, but with no where else to go, he followed his brother.   
  
Shannon found a construction job one week after they found themselves on the beach. The brothers had been alternating sleeping in shelters and sleeping outside.   
  
Jared on the other hand had been "discovered" while walking down the street. The modeling agency wanted Jared to come in for some test shots. Figuring that it would be easy money, Jared took the business card and started his career in front of a camera.   
  
With the money the brothers were making, they rented a small one bedroom apartment that had a lovely view of a brick wall. The place was tiny, but the brother were used to making do.  
  
Music was always on the back of the brothers' minds, but it seemed like no one was willing to hear what they had to offer. Thirteen minute songs with no lyrics were not going to make any record companies money.   
  
Shannon continued working various jobs and Jared moved onto small acting gigs. A commercial landed him an acting gig on a pilot. That show didn't last long and Jared was casted for a small roll on a pilot about a teenage girl's diary. Jared was only suppose to stay for one episode, but the creators found something endearing about Jared's character and asked him back for more episodes. The show didn't know when they would be shooting again and Jared spent the time working with his brother.  
  
Every night, the brothers would come home from whatever job they had that day and make music together. They played off each other. Sometimes Jared would come up with a riff and Shannon would follow him. Other times Shannon would take the lead and Jared would come in a couple of minutes later.   
  
It was during this time that Jared found his voice again and started adding lyrics to the music. Shannon smiled on as his brother sat with his eyes closed and sang from his heart. It had been a long time since Shannon had heard Jared sing.   
  
****

**Rest Your Eyes  
  
** "Jared, I found some warm clothes for you to change into." Shannon came back into the bathroom with fresh clothes for Jared. Shannon already removed his wet clothes and put something else on. Jared was in the same place that Shannon had left him.   
  
Shannon put the clothes down on the counter and waited for Jared to make a move. He didn't.   
  
"Jared, you are not going to get warm if you don't change." Shannon went to remove his brothers shirt for him and Jared backed away.   
  
"Jared..." Shannon stopped when he realized his brother wanted him to leave so he could change. "I'll be outside. The door stays open."   
  
Shannon was once again greeted by his mother as he walked out of the bathroom.   
  
"You two haven't eaten anything all day. It is almost eight o'clock."   
  
"I'm hungry but I doubt we will be able to get him to eat anything."  
  
"Not 'we.' He doesn't want me."   
  
"He doesn't know any better right now."   
  
Jared peaked his head out of the bathroom and quickly went  back in when he saw his mother standing outside. Shannon put his foot in between the door to stop Jared from shutting it. Giving his mother a look, Constance got the meaning and left to make Shannon something to eat. Shannon saw the tears in her eyes as she turned away.   
  
He found resistance when he went to push the door back open. After opening it halfway, Shannon looked in to see his brother sitting in front of the door blocking his entry.   
  
"Jared, she went to go make us some food. Are you hungry?"   
  
Jared looked up from his spot on the floor and shook his head "yes."   
  
"Okay, well you need to come out of the bathroom then. Lets go to my room."   
  
The mess Jared had made was still covering Jared's room. Shannon didn't want to go back in there to get Jared some clothes, so he grabbed some of his own sweats for Jared to wear.   
  
Jared stood up and followed his brother to Shannon's room. There he went to the bed and sat down. His eyes were still unsure as to what was going to happen next.   
  
"Ma should be back soon with some food. Are you tired?" Shannon had been woken up early by his brother. The two had spent half the day in Jared's room and then another hour or so in the bathroom.   
  
Once again Jared just simply shook his head "yes."   
  
Shannon sat down next to his brother and brought Jared close to him. "We can sleep then after we eat."   
  
Jared put his head on his brother's shoulder and closed his eyes.  
  
By the time Constance came back with the food, Jared was asleep. Shannon remained sitting up, but had moved him so he was lying down. Jared had curled up towards his brother after a couple of minutes.   
  
Constance peaked her head in and saw her sons on the bed. Once Shannon gave her the okay to come in, she sat the food down at the end of the bed and walked around to Shannon's side.   
  
She looked on as her youngest son slept. "What the hell did Joseph do to him?"


	24. Breathe...Repeat...Explore A New Way and Execute

**Explore a New Way  
  
** "Where does my brother go when these other characters invade you?" Shannon was watching his brother get ready for a scene for the television show. Jared had done bit parts in two other television shows and one made for TV movie. Each time he became that character for the duration of the project. However, none of the other projects ever lasted this long.   
  
"What are you talking about?" Jared was picking out what clothes he was going to wear for the scene. The producers of the show thought that it would be a good idea to have the actors pick out their own clothes from the small wardrobe the budget could afford. Shannon was already in the clothes that he was going to wear. He still had side jobs, but Jared insisted that Shannon come with him to the set when he had to work. Since Shannon was hanging around anyway, Shannon got his own small part on the show as one of Jordan's friends.   
  
"I haven't been able to have a conversation with my brother in a week. Where did he go?" Shannon picked up a flannel shirt and threw it at his brother.   
  
Jared grabbed the shirt that was throw at him and put it on. All the clothes that they had picked out for him with three times too big, but at least wearing the clothes made him look bigger than he was. "I am only doing the job the only way I know how."  
  
"Bullshit. You are hiding behind these people and you know it. Now, answer me. Where does my brother go when you become these other people?"  
  
"I don't know, _Shane._ I didn't realize that you had a brother. Is he in your band? Is that why you always have the drum sticks?"   
  
"You know, you can really be an asshole." Shannon said walking out of the room.   
  
When the brothers got back to the apartment, Jared was in a bad mood. Shannon had only talked to him when his character had to talk to Jordan. Otherwise, Shannon stayed as far away from his brother as he could. Other people on the set noticed it too and one of the crew told Jared that this is the reason why you are never suppose to work with family. Jared didn't respond to lighting guy.  
  
"I'm going to bed."  
  
"I had a song that I wanted to run by you." Jared called out to the retreating form of his brother.   
  
"I'm not in the mood tonight. Enjoy your solitude."   
  
"I don't see why you have to be like this. I answered your fucking question the first time that you asked me it." Jared sat down in a chair the brothers had found on the side of the road. It was old, but it was still somewhat comfortable.  
  
"No you didn't. But whatever, I don't care anymore." Shannon shut the door to their bedroom.   
  
Jared grabbed his guitar from its spot against the chair. His grandfather's guitar had followed him throughout the many places he had traveled. It was one of the few objects in the room that both brothers treated with care. Jared really did have a song that he wanted Shannon to listen to. It was something that had been floating around in his head for awhile. He was finally ready to use the guitar to get it out of his head.   
  
The brothers had many discussions about what kind of music they wanted to make and how they wanted to go about putting their music out there. Both brothers agreed that while the music would be the main focus, they would use other art forms to get their message across. They had the ideas and the concepts, they just needed to find the people that would care about their message.   
  
In one of the episodes on the show, they had a guest star that was a musician. Jared had a long conversation with her about what he hoped to accomplish with his own music career. She was impressed by his passion, but warned him that he would have a long road ahead of him. He didn't care that it wouldn't be easy, he just wanted people to hear their music.   
  
Jared quietly started to play the song that had been in his head. He didn't want to disturb Shannon in the other room.   
_Is this who you are?_  
  
Shannon found his brother asleep in the chair the next morning. The guitar was still in his brother's lap.   
  
"Good way to break it." Shannon said under his breath as he put the instrument back in its place and then sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. The apartment was small. It had a bedroom, a small bathroom, and then the living room/dining room/kitchen area. From his spot in the kitchen area, he was only three feet away from his brother.   
  
Asleep Jared looked peaceful. A contradiction to how he had been acting the last couple of weeks. Shannon's attempt yesterday to get his brother to talk about how he handles his characters had really been to get Jared to open up about what has been going on with him lately. Jared had found a new passion with acting and when he first began, he really enjoyed learning the new art form. Lately; however, Jared was withdrawing more and more from the outside world. Including from his brother.   
  
Shannon figured that acting was just another way for Jared to hide from his past. Jared had indicated a couple of times to him that he liked to forgot himself and pretend to be someone else. He knew that it had something to do with their childhood, but Jared never talked about what happened to him. Shannon had talked with his mother about Jared's behavior and she told him that she honestly believes that Jared doesn't know himself what happened. Whether he remembered or not, it was still clearly having an effect on his brother.   
  
****

**Execute** _  
  
April 15, 2007_  
  
"Jared." Shannon called out his brother's name and woke up his mother who was asleep next to him in the process. His mother had brought them food last night, but Jared was already asleep before she arrived. Constance had talked with her older son for a couple of hours before they too both fell asleep. When Shannon woke up, his brother was gone. He worried that it had something to do with their mother being in the room. Considering the state that Jared was in, he could be anywhere now.   
  
"Jared!" Shannon called out once he was out in the hallway. When he didn't get a response he looked around upstairs before running down the stairs to look for his brother.   
  
"Jared!" Shannon called out as he opened the kitchen door.   
  
"Jesus, Shannon. It is too fucking early for being that loud." Jared sat at the table with a bowl of cereal in front of him. When his brother burst through the door, he jumped at the loud noise.   
  
"I was worried about you. You weren't there when I woke up." Shannon moved into the kitchen and sat down across from his brother. Something was different about Jared.   
  
"I was hungry and didn't want to wake you up." Jared went back to eating his Total. "When did we start sleeping with Ma again?"  
  
"Are you okay? Do you not remember what happened yesterday?"   
  
"Ma came to visit." Jared said as he got up from the table and took care of his bowl. "How long is she staying? I see that she didn't bring the dogs, so it can't be that long. Hey, I was thinking that we are wasting time by not doing anything during our break. Maybe we should invite Tomo over and go out somewhere. Maybe a hike. I feel like I haven't been outside in forever."   
  
"Wait. Slow down. What did we do yesterday?" Shannon got up from the table and moved to where his brother was standing.   
  
"The same thing we always do when Ma comes to visit. We catch up on whatever is happening with us and then let her listen to whatever we are working on. Then she complains that we never eat enough and she makes us dinner." Jared gave his brother a strange look. "Are _you_ okay?"  
  
"Yeah. Just great." Shannon backed away from his brother and sat back down.   
  
"I'm going to call Tomo. Ma will like the hike as well." Jared left the room with his phone to his ear.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Jared is playing is "Fallen" by 30 Seconds to Mars. Or maybe it should be referred to as "Jupiter" considering the time.


	25. Breathe...Repeat...I'll Take You Down and Phoenix Rises Up From The Ground

**I'll Take You Down  
  
** "You're wearing my clothes." Shannon looked his brother up and down.  
  
"Yeah. Is that a problem?" Jared was packing up a small bag to bring with them filled with water and snacks.  
  
"Not really, no. Just wondering what was wrong with your own clothes."  
  
"I went to talk with Ma and they were right there so I took them. Besides, this was my shirt first." Jared picked up the bag and walked passed Shannon to go to the other room. As he walked by, Shannon grabbed his brother by the arm.  
  
"Why are you doing this?" The concern was apparent in Shannon's voice.  
  
"Doing what?" Jared pulled his arm back. "Seriously Shannon, you are beginning to worry me. You haven't been drinking again, have you? Is that why Ma is here?"  
  
Shannon looked his brother straight in the face.  He couldn't tell if Jared was telling the truth. Jared normally couldn't keep anything from him. Shannon was used to all the nonverbal cues his brother gave off when he was hiding something. Perhaps Jared really didn't remember his confessions from yesterday.  
  
"See. That right there is what is worrying me. Why are you looking at me like that?" Jared asked his brother after a period of silence.  
  
"How many messages did you have from your publicist and agent?" Jared must have had many unanswered emails and voice mails considering his was without his phone for over two days.  
  
"A couple, but I am on vacation right now so they can wait. How come I am the one answering all the questions? You still haven't told me what is going on with you."  
  
"You always answer your messages. Why not now?"  
  
"You answer me first." Jared moved so that closer to his brother. "Is that the reason why Ma is here?"  
  
Again, Shannon stopped to study his brother before responding. "No. I haven't been drinking. I asked her to come here because we had the time. That is all."  
  
"Good. Now stop being so fucking weird and get ready to go. Tomo should be here any minute." Jared walked out the kitchen and sat down in the living room to wait for the others.  
  
Shannon passed his mother in the hallway as he made his way to his room.  
  
"Shannon, he talked to me. I thought for sure he was going to ran away again when he saw me coming out of the guest bedroom. But he didn't, he came over and gave me a kiss and said 'good morning.'"  
  
"He has been acting the same way with me. I can't read him right now. I take it you know that Tomo is on his way over to go hiking with us."  
  
"Yeah, I was confused at first but maybe this is a good thing. We can all go out and he can work on his issues."  
  
"You didn't see him yesterday. He isn't working on anything. I think he blocked out what happened. I asked him what we did yesterday and he said that you came over and cooked for us after we talked all day."  
  
"He did it before. I guess that it is possible that he did it again." Constance expression changed when she added, "I looked at his room. I couldn't help myself. It is a mess."  
  
"Tomo is here. Let's go, it is already noon." Jared called up from downstairs.  
  
"I guess we wait and see how today goes. I better change. I'll be right down." Shannon gave his mother a hug and left to go into his room.  
  
****

**Phoenix Rises Up From The Ground**  
  
Jared had to go to Ireland by himself. The brothers didn't have the money and the movie was not going to fly Shannon over. The panic attacks began again when he left and Shannon found himself looking for another job to pay for all the long distance phone calls.  
  
When Jared come back, he began training to portray the famous runner Steve Prefontaine.  Jared woke up every morning early and ran. And then he continued to run throughout the day. He even changed his diet in order to get a more accurate understanding of who the man was. When he wasn't training, Jared was watching footage of Pre that the studio set him. After he dyed his hair, Shannon could barely recognize his brother.  
  
After filming was over with, the character stuck with Jared for some time. Pre was the first real character that Jared had portrayed and he had a tragic end. Added to the fact that Jared spent so much time researching the character, he found it hard to let him go.  
  
Shannon found the Jared's panic attacks stopped while he was preparing for the role. This just reassured Shannon that he brother was using acting to hide from himself. Once Jared let go of Pre, they started again and they were worse then ever.  
  
Jared got another movie and another tragic character to play. Again the panic attacks stopped but only for a short while. In between movies, the brothers were still working on their music. The brothers had a couple of songs together and would go to various spots around the city and play. Never with the same name and normally with different people as backup.  
  
One night Jared had a panic attack before they were to go on stage and the brothers stopped playing for awhile. Jared once again lost himself in his movie roles. The parts were not major roles, but they help to pay the bills and kept Jared's mind occupied with other thoughts.  
  
Shannon was concerned about the roles that Jared seemed to be taking lately. After Pre, the characters that Jared choose to play all had themes of betrayal, brutality, and death.  
  
"Jesus, look at you. How long did that take?" Shannon sat across from his brother on the set of "Fight Club."  
  
"Way too fucking long. I think they got this one down to six hours. You should have been there for that. It would have helped me pass the time." Jared's face was covered in prosthetics and make-up.   
  
"Well, it looks good at least."  
  
"There is a premier this week. I said that we would go." Jared moved away from the mirror and started to walk away.  
  
"Since when do you volunteer to go to a premier."  
  
"Since now."  
  
"Whatever. Stop looking at me. That looks too real."  
  
Jared left the room with an evil laugh and Shannon was once again surprised by his brother's behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll Take You Down is a lyric from the song "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve.  
> Phoenix Rises Up From The Ground is a lyric from "Dolphin's Cry" by Live


	26. Breathe...Repeat...Dare You to Move and The Man Who Sold The World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cameron is making a brief appearance again.

__**Dare You To Move  
  
** Jared crawled into his brother's bed in the middle of the night and curled up against his brother's back. His breathing was quick and uneven. Shannon heard his brother come in and was surprised to find him in his bed.   
  
"It has been awhile since you have slept with me. What happened with Cameron?" Shannon went to turn around but his brother kept him facing the other direction.   
  
"I can't..." Jared was crying and Shannon tried to move again to face his brother, but Jared prevented it.   
  
"Jared, you are crying. Let me turn around."   
  
"No. Just let me stay close to you like this." Jared moved so his face was buried in Shannon's back and he put his arm around Shannon's waist.   
  
Jared had met Cameron at the premier that Jared insisted on going to. Once they were there, Shannon began to wonder if Jared insisted on going to the event because he knew that she was going to be there. Jared watched her from a distance for a good hour before he worked up the courage to go talk with her. Shannon thought that his brother was being unusually shy and he really didn't see what was so special about the blond.  
  
Whatever it was, Shannon found that the feeling was mutual and thus began the story of Jared and Cameron.   
  
Shannon was suspicious of her at first, Jared had never really expressed any interest in women before. He had slept with a few when he was a teenager, but never dated any before. The only person that Jared ever really had a relationship with was Nathan and that didn't last long.   
  
Jared threw himself into the relationship and Shannon found himself spending more and more nights alone. The brothers were signed to a record contract, but there was still no definite plans as to how the company would let them proceed. The only time that Shannon saw Jared alone was when Cameron was off doing a movie or the brothers were working on music.   
  
Cameron seemed to be the solution to whatever problem Jared had been having because the panic attacks stopped after the two began seeing each other. Cameron was an unusual woman, well at least unusual to LA. While looking the part of any typical beautiful woman, she could act like one of the guys. Jared responded well to her open demeanor and respected her for the indie movie roles that she had been choosing lately.   
  
Everything had been going great in their seven month relationship until now. Jared had gone over to Cameron's that night to have dinner and spend sometime together. Cameron had been away for a couple of weeks and Jared was happy that she had some time off.  
  
"Let me turn around."   
  
Jared hesitated and then released his grip on his brother. When Shannon turned onto his other side, Jared kept his eyes closed. The darkness of the room didn't allow Shannon to get a clear look at his brother's face, but he could tell that Jared was pretty worked up. Brushing his hand across his brother's cheek, Shannon asked again what happened.   
  
"I slept with her." Jared's voice was rough and broken.   
  
"You have been going out for months now. I would think that would be only natural that you to would sleep together." Shannon had never asked his brother about his sexual behavior with his girlfriend, but he was a little shock that Jared hadn't slept with her before.   
  
"I'm...It's different...When she touched me..." Jared stopped and went to move out of the bed.   
  
"Hey, wait." Shannon grabbed his brother around the stomach to keep him from leaving. "Breathe."  
  
"It not that fucking simple this time Shannon." Jared let his brother pull him back against the older man.   
  
"Yes it is. Just stop and focus." Shannon slowed down his own breathing so Jared could follow his example. Shannon rested his head next to his brother's and waited in silence.   
  
Jared relaxed after a couple of minutes, but he still wouldn't talk about what happened.   
  
The next morning when Shannon asked one last time what last night was all about, Jared told him he had a panic attack in front of Cameron and freaked her out. Jared said that he overreacted as well.   
  
Jared's answer was only half the truth.  
  
 ****

 **The Man Who Sold The World  
  
** The group had been walking around the dirt path for almost an hour. Constance was having a conversation with Tomo about Tim. She had just realized that Jared made no mention of the other man when he was planning out the day's adventure. She was asking questions about how he thought Tim was fitting in with the band.   
  
Jared was leading the group and had been silent for most of the walk. Shannon walked halfway between his brother and the two in the back. This way he could still hear the conversation behind him as well as watch his brother from a slight distance. Besides being quiet, Jared gave off no sign that he remembered anything about the day before. Even then, Jared had his moments when he was naturally quiet anyways so Shannon really couldn't get any information off from that either.   
  
"Jared, Tomo and I are going to rest for a bit. You two go on ahead. We'll caught up later." Constance called out to her youngest son. At first Jared didn't appear to hear her, but he eventually stopped and acknowledged her. Tomo was already seen with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.   
  
"Okay, we won't go too far." Jared waited until Shannon started walking again and then took his lead once more.   
  
The brothers walked for another half a mile before they reached the top of the hill. Jared went off the trail and sat down on a large rock.   
  
Shannon followed him and stopped to study his brother as Jared moved so that both of his legs were tucked underneath him. Kicking the rock where Jared's feet had once been, Shannon spoke.   
  
"It's not working is it?"   
  
Jared turned his gaze away from his brother and slightly shook his head "no" after a pause.   
  
"I almost had you convinced, but I can't even fool myself." Jared moved his head back again so that he was facing his brother. "He should have just killed me before he shot himself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot and "The Man Who Sold The World" by David Bowie, but you can pick your favorite cover of the song if you would like.


	27. Breathe...Repeat...I'll Show You The Way and Hiding My Face Among The Weak

  
**I'll Show You The Way  
  
** After the incident with Cameron, Jared didn't make any mention of relationship problems with her again. Jared would share everything with Shannon, but Jared kept that relationship to himself. Shannon respected his privacy and life continued on as normal.  
  
Jared's anxiety wasn't as bad as it normally was, but he found himself missing having an animal. The brothers decided on the one animal that they always had a special connection with and rescued two wolf dogs from a shelter. The boys had went in to only get one dog, but once they found out that the dogs themselves were siblings, they couldn't break them up. While the dogs were considered both of the boys, one found himself favoring Jared and another, a white haired girl, favoring Shannon. Both dogs hated Cameron.   
  
Music was done between acting roles. The brother continued to play anywhere and everywhere that would take them. Mostly it was outside the city. While Jared was by no means the biggest name in Hollywood, people still seemed to recognize him from time to time. The brothers were aware of what they were getting into, but they felt as long as they kept the focus on the music, things would work out.   
  
Things changed after Jared got a script from a director he really wanted to work with. The movie was the challenge that Jared was looking for and like any role, Jared became the character. He went on a strict diet that eventually became a fast and spent a couple of nights with those that had no other option than to live on the streets. Jared had spent time around these people when he was younger, but this time he wasn't looking for sex. That demon had been brought to the surface and then reburied deep.   
  
The character required Jared to keep his distance from those that he loved. He was playing someone that in a lot of ways was estranged from his life and Jared needed to isolate himself to give the character justice. He stopped playing music with his brother and even requested that Shannon move in with their mother for awhile. Shannon told Jared that he didn't feel comfortable leaving Jared alone, but Jared insisted. Shannon packed  up the dogs and went to Texas.  
  
After the movie finished, Jared took a month to recover. He found that it was hard to start eating again. Fasting brought Jared closer to the truth and he spent much of that month in reflection. The first person that Jared talked to after his life mediation was his brother. He told him he had a plan and that Shannon was needed back. They had things to work on.   
  
When Shannon walked back into his apartment after being gone for months, he found the "plans" Jared had been working on. Jared had everything mapped out. The music that they were going to make, the artwork that they were going to use, and the tactics that they were going to use to get the public to listen to what they had to say. Jared had somehow taken everything that had been floating around in his head for years and put it to use. Included in the "plans" were four symbols that Jared explained were glyphs. After Jared told their significance to Shannon, Shannon decided that the plan was going to be made official by branding themselves.   
  
Shannon got one of all four, but Jared decided on the one that was most personal to him. It was put in a place where he would always be able to see it, but he could also conceal if he wanted to keep it to himself. It also mirrored the placement of his brother's tattoo.   
  
Auditions for the rest of the band members was the next step. Up until then, the brothers didn't really care who was backing them. Now with their mission laid out in front of them, they would need other people to help them carry it out. The brothers knew that it would probably take sometime to find people that would be able to both perform well with them and get what they wanted to accomplish. What the brothers didn't plan on was how hard that was going to be.   
  
Jared's plans included a list of producers that he wanted to work with for the project. Jared dreamed big and was lucky enough to get his first pick. The studio time was booked and it wouldn't wait for Jared to find the perfect band. Being the control freak that he is, Jared decided that it was his music that he was hearing in his head so it would be him playing it on the record. He didn't know how to play every instrument, but that had never held him back before. Jared and Shannon locked themselves in a studio and Jared was finally able to get his thoughts recorded. Some of the songs that been with them for awhile, but Jared was never fully happy with them. The time in the studio allowed Jared to explore all musical avenues.   
  
Once the record was done, Jared and Shannon came back into the real world and back into their lives. Jared went back to his relationship with Cameron and both brothers found themselves back on the big screen.   
  
The studio executives decided that the music needed to be toured before it was released and the audition process began again for the people that would round out the band.   
  
Auditions were a joke and a waste of time. They were not going to be able to find anyone with an open call. Shannon suggested that they started looking into the connections that they already had. Shannon knew of a guitarist that was known for his dedication to work. Solon came on board and Kevin followed. They still needed a bassist. Matt too was known through a connection and he said that he would be willing to learn the bass to be in the band.   
  
Touring began and it was determined that Kevin did not fit into the concept of the band and he was released from his band obligations. The foursome continued on with a release date set for 2001.   
  
Then the unthinkable happened. The world stopped.  
  
 ****

 **Hiding My Face Among The Weak  
  
** "I think that is the most selfish thing I have ever heard you say." Shannon moved away from his brother and saw his mother and Tomo coming up the hill. "Is this why Tim isn't here? You knew that you may not be able to pull this off and didn't want him around in case something happened?"   
  
Jared was surprised at Shannon's tone. He sounded angry at him. Shannon didn't get angry with Jared often.   
  
"I really wasn't thinking too clearly when I planned this out. All I knew was that I wouldn't be able to keep it together if I stayed in the house for one more second." Jared stood up off of the rock and walked so that he was behind Shannon. "Don't let them know I was lying. Not yet. I need more time before she knows."   
  
"Don't worry. I wouldn't do that to someone I love." Shannon left his brother and went up to the others.   
  
Jared quickly wiped away the tears that were threating to fall and put on his best face. He had been hiding for years, another couple of hours shouldn't be a problem.  
  
Tomo stayed for dinner and Jared was glad for the distraction. After he left, the boys' mother decided that a board game was needed and the three spent the rest of the night playing Scrabble. Shannon decided to stop first and gave his mother a kiss and went to bed. Jared was left with his mother.   
  
"I think you forget sometimes I gave birth to you. The bond between a mother and her child is the strongest bond that one can experience." Constance said as she packed the game up off of the coffee table. From her spot on the floor of the living room, she looked back up at her son and continued, "I may not know everything that has happened, but I know enough to know that you can't keep doing this. You are only going to destroy yourself and everyone around you in the process."   
  
"I can't tell you Momma. I can't." Jared voice was low and the tears that he had been holding back all day couldn't be held back any longer. Pushing himself off of the ground, he moved back onto the couch. "Please don't make me."   
  
Constance sat down next to him and pulled her son into her arms. "You can tell me whenever you are ready. Just remember that nothing you could ever say to me could make me love you any less."   
  
Jared held on to his mother and continued to cry onto her shoulder. Logically he knew that what she said was true, but how could he tell her the most horrible truth about what someone else did to her son.   
  
The two sat in silence until Jared excused himself to go to bed. He whispered that he loved her before he let go to find his brother.   
  
Shannon was laying in his bed with the lights off, but he was not asleep. He knew that it was only a matter of time before Jared would sneak in. Shannon felt bad for the way he acted earlier, but he was still hurt that Jared would lie to him like that. One of the things that really made Shannon angry was that Jared threw his drinking in his face in an attempt to get Shannon to back off from the truth. Added to the fact that Jared thought it would be better off for everyone if Jared had never been returned to him, Shannon found himself unable to control his temper.   
  
As predicted, Jared came into the room and pulled back the covers to lay next to his brother. Jared knew that Shannon was angry with him and that he deserved the truth.   
  
"Cameron knew about the woman. Not at first, but...the first night that we slept together, I remembered her. I had been having flashes of memories for many years before that, but with Cameron they became more and more clear. I wanted to explore the memories, but at the same time they frightened me. That was one of the reasons that I waited so many months to sleep with her and my suspicions were correct. I began to remember her. The way that she smelled. The way that she smiled at me. The questions that she asked. Her eyes. The feel of her hair on my body..." Jared stopped and moved so that he was looking up at the ceiling. "Oh course, I panicked and left without an explanation. I ran to the only person that I wanted at the time and I still couldn't tell you. So I did the only thing I could and told you part of the truth. The next day I went back to Cameron and told her why I acted the way I did. She was understanding and wanted to help me remember more. She was someone that I trusted and could talk to that would be objective."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll Show You The Way" Capricorn 30 Seconds to Mars  
> "Hiding My Face Among The Weak" The Mission 30 Seconds to Mars


	28. Breathe...Repeat...Push Away The Pressure and Let Go

****Push Away The Pressure  
  
**** That one day in September changed the way the world looked at things. The ideas for the album needed to be scrapped. There was no way an album would be able to be released with that imagery during that climate. Shannon decided that he would use his photography skills and they found some kids willing to work for cheap. The album also lost a couple of songs.   
  
With the album being pushed back, Jared continued on with his acting career. Jared always had faith in humanity, but that September day brought back insecurities about his life. Jared began to take Shannon along with him to movie sets again. Cameron was understanding of the brothers' relationship, especially considering all that she knew about Jared. If Jared wanted to look back and analyze the relationship, he would probably find that things started to go sour during this time. Cameron went into the relationship believing that it wasn't going to last long and soon she was finding that she was correct in her prediction. While Jared refused to believe that it was true, he began to pull away from her more and more.   
  
The record execs worked it out so that the band would tour with Puddle of Mudd. While that band wasn't exactly what the brothers had in mind when they envisioned their first major tour, they were happy to have someone give them a chance. The band refused to be classified by one genre and decided that in order to be taken seriously, they needed to made a point of winning over all the nonbelievers of the world.   
  
While it was like going into combat every night, an amazing thing started to happen. The music found a community.   
  
The band knew that they would have an uphill battle on their hands and the one thing that everyone was least looking forward to was the press interviews. Jared liked to stay out of the media as much as possible with his acting career, and there were always other actors that could go in his place to events. But the band was his own doing and he knew that he would have to open himself up to scrutiny.   
  
Even with a list of appropriate and non-appropriate questions that could be asked, no one was going to ignore the fact that Jared was known for doing something different than music. Something that few were ever able to legitimately cross over from successfully. Some people went in thinking that Jared was working on a side project that was being backed by the actor. Others were genuinely curious about the band and attempted to ask appropriate questions.   
  
Jared, with his brother by his side, used all the charm and wit he could with interviewers and began to get a reputation for being an "ass". Shannon realized what Jared was doing with the interviewers and sometimes would play along. It was fun to mess with these people. One skill Jared had picked up long ago was the ability to tell the biggest lie with the straightest face.   
  
The band found themselves on another tour with a band that was a little more their style. Through the Incubus crowd, their Echelon grew in numbers.   
  
The band continued to tour throughout the year, to promote the release of their first album. Their following continued to grow, ever so slowly.   
  
Solon decided that 30 Seconds to Mars was not the direction that he wanted to continue with and gathered the group to break the news. Jared, with his trust issues, did not take the news well. Auditions began again to find a replacement. Tomo was a fan that dedicated himself to learning the material and impressed Shannon and Matt during his audition. Jared was not looking to be impressed, he wanted Tomo's reassurance that he was in it for the long haul before he put in his vote to accept the new member.   
  
Tomo joined the group and the mission continued until Cameron got pregnant.   
  
Jared's mood had been down since Solon left, but it improved with the news of impending fatherhood. Jared told everyone that he knew could be trusted with the information and brought Shannon ring shopping.   
  
The way that Jared was acting about the pregnancy and the proposal put Shannon on edge. For some reason or another, he had a bad feeling about Jared having a child with Cameron. He was not worried about Jared being a good father to his child, but he didn't believe that Jared was marring Cameron for the right reasons. He kept his reservations to himself, however, until Cameron lost the baby.   
  
Shannon knew that his brother had a temper; he had seen it many times before. Therefore, he was surprised with Jared's reaction when he told Shannon the news. He was calm. Too calm.   
  
Shannon was not surprised when Jared made his way into Shannon's bed in the middle of the night. Like countless times before, Jared curled up to his brother's back. Shannon counted down the seconds until his brother began to speak.   
  
"I was happy. I could have been happy with her." Jared broke the silence of the room.   
  
"Happiness is never a constant. You may love her, but she isn't your destiny."   
  
"She is the only person I have ever opened myself up to, besides you." Jared moved his arm higher up on his brother's torso so that it rested over his heart. "I'm never going to find someone that compares to you."   
  
"Jared, don't."   
  
"I know." Jared closed his eyes and listened to the sound of his brother's breathing. The soothing sound lulled him to sleep.   
**  
******

****Let Go  
  
**** "I trusted her with my biggest secret. I let myself be comfortable exploring that part of myself with her. I think subconsciously I needed her to work out those issues, so that is why I pursued her. The first time that I looked at her, I was reminded of someone that I could not place. It was like I was suppose to know her, but I couldn't find a name."   
  
"She was good for you. I saw you let down a lot of walls you had built up over the years when you were with her. I was shocked that you fell so deeply for a woman though."   
  
"I learned many lessons through her. And was reminded of why I keep people at a distance, after she betrayed that trust."   
  
"You can't do that this time, Jared. You have to have faith in us to help you. You scared me yesterday. I didn't know what to do with you. That is why I called Ma."   
  
"You did fine."   
  
"So you remember?"   
  
"I felt like I was watching it from a distance. I was four again and I was scared because I knew my brother wasn't going to be able to find me. We were playing hide-and-go-seek when he took me."   
  
"I have vivid memories of that time too. I heard him start to go off again and hid in the closet. I thought that you would be in there too. You hid there earlier that day."   
  
"I was going to hide behind the piano, I was little enough then that I could fit. I heard Ma yelling at him, but I don't think they realized I was there. He started yelling back and he got really red. After he hit her the first time I tried to make myself as small as possible. I thought maybe if I stayed quiet, they wouldn't notice me. I had my head down, but I heard her slam against the wall. The next thing I knew I was on the floor of the truck trying to get him to pay attention to me. I was worried that you were not going to be able to find me in the truck. I didn't realize that the game was over with."


	29. Breathe....Repeat...Walking On Broken Glass and Everybody's Looking For Something

**Walking On Broken Glass**  
  
The Hollywood social scene really isn’t that big once you get into it. Jared preferred to spend his evenings at home with the ones that he loved, but he sometimes enjoyed socializing with others in similar crafts. He could start a conversation with anyone, but only continued to keep in touch with those that he felt he connected with. Brent Bolthouse was someone that he met through Cameron. She had introduced the two after learning that Jared was a health nut who didn’t drink. Brent, though he was a club promoter and was around alcohol most of the time, also didn’t drink. And like Jared, Cameron saw that Brent had a darker undertone that he liked to keep private. Jared and Brent clicked right away.   
  
It was Brent that eventually told Jared that Cameron was going behind his back with Justin Timberlake. While the social scene in Hollywood was small, it was riddled with rumors. Brent was someone that always heard the gossip and could piece together the truths.   
  
Cameron and Jared made a decision early on that they would not talk to the press about their relationship. Cameron had bad luck with the press in previous relationships and Jared simply did not want something that was so personal to him to be up for sale. However, after being together for so many years, the media figured out that the two were dating and even caught them on camera a couple of times.   
  
Hollywood couples seem to have either one of two stories: secretly dating or fighting and separating. Hollywood couples are never written as together and happy in the magazines. Almost like there is a Hollywood script for couples that they are continuously auditioning for. They had written before about Jared straying from the relationship with others, but we all know that you can never believe something unless you see it with your own eyes.   
  
Even though Brent was a trusted friend, Jared needed to see it with his own eyes before believing that Cameron was cheating on him. The proof came the next day as Jared walked into Cameron’s house and saw the two sitting in the kitchen together. Cameron was wearing lingerie and Justin was eating cereal in nothing but his boxers.   
  
No words were spoken. Jared backed up and left immediately. He drove to the coast and sat in silence for hours before he heard his phone ring. Shannon’s number was displayed on his screen, but Jared couldn’t answer the phone. If he did, he would lose the little control he had over his emotions.   
  
After losing the baby, things had been rough for the couple. They still continued to see one another but Cameron was distancing herself from Jared more and more. Jared believed her to be his girlfriend and had hopes that the relationship would work itself out. He didn't trust easily, but he found something in Cameron that allowed him to open up to her.   
  
Even if they were not physically involved with each other, they were still a couple. With all the trust that Jared placed in her and all the secrets that he shared with her, he was shocked that Cameron could betray him like she did.   
  
Five more phone calls went unanswered before Jared started his Yukon. After the first call, Jared didn’t bother looking at the screen to see who was calling. He wasn’t going to answer it anyway.   
  
Two days later, Jared finally made his way home and was greeted by an angry Shannon. Shannon had gotten a phone call from Brent when Brent couldn’t get a hold of Jared. Brent asked Shannon how Jared was handing the situation and was informed that Shannon had no idea what he was talking about. Jared wasn’t answering his phone and hadn’t come home last night. Shannon was used to his brother’s quirks by now, but Jared had never disappeared on him before. Betrayal or no betrayal, Jared needed to answer his phone.   
  
“I know that you didn’t want to talk about it, but it would have been nice to at least know that you were alive.” Shannon yanked his brother into the house and wrapped him in his arms. The anger went away as soon as Shannon saw that his brother wasn’t physically harmed in any way. “I mean Jesus; I can’t really fill out a missing persons report on you, now can I?”   
  
Jared pulled back from the embrace and locked his eyes onto his brother’s. Shannon had always been the safest person in Jared’s life. Shannon would never hurt him or betray him. Shannon never asked anything of him that he wasn't willing to give.   
  
The brothers had their fortunes read a couple of years back. The psychic told them that the two were heading out on a long journey together and they needed to stay together to complete their mission. She also told them that they were very lucky because they were born into something that most people spend their whole lives trying to find: they were soul mates.   
  
The brothers were always close, constantly touching one another and seeking the other out. While theirs was an extremely intimate relationship, the brothers had never pushed the bounds before. Social standards prohibited such behavior. The brothers never cared much about following society’s standards for the sake of following them alone. However, things between the brothers remained chaste.   
  
Staring into each others’ eyes, all the rules went away. Jared slowly leaned in so that he could feel his brother’s breath on his lips. Closing his eyes, he gently narrowed the gap until their lips met. Shannon’s upper lip was captured between Jared’s. Shannon relaxed himself into the kiss and put his hands on his brother's hips. Jared allowed the kiss to linger for a moment and then pulled back. Resting his forehead against Shannon's, Jared let his hurt fade away.   
**  
**

**Everybody's Looking For Something**  
  
"It felt like we drove forever. All the while he was yelling about one thing or another. Finally we stopped at a motel and I told him that I was hungry. He didn't plan this out, so we didn't have any money. By then the alcohol had worn off, but he still passed out. I was use to him failing us, so I decided that I was going to get food on my own. I walked back to the main office but was stopped by a voice before I could go inside. She was nice, Shannon. She talked to me and gave me food. I told her about you."   
  
Shannon knew that his brother just needed to talk, so he kept his gaze on his brother and listened.   
  
"I told her about the bike that granddad gave you, and how you promised to teach me how to ride it. I told her about your cake and about the party we had for you. I could always talk to anyone who would listen to me. I knew about strangers, but she looked like someone that would go to our church. Strangers are crazy men who hide in shadows and make you uncomfortable. Strangers are not nice women with sweet smiles and Southern accents. No one warned me about her." Jared moved so that his head was resting on Shannon's chest and his arm was wrapped around his waist. Shannon wrapped his arms around his brother in turn.   
  
"She told me about a game that "big boys" liked and asked if I wanted to play. I had no idea that she meant, but I was a "big boy" and I was curious. She told me that I had to take off my clothes to play and immediately I wanted to leave. I told her that I changed my mind and jumped off the bed. She had locked the door and I couldn't reach to unlock it. She ripped my pants taking them off because I was trying to fight her. When he found me, he yelled about that. I didn't understand why she did that to me and I knew that I couldn't tell him what happened." Jared paused and let the words sink in.   
  
"All I wanted to do was go home. He told me repeatedly that Ma didn't want me anymore. I thought that they both knew what happened to me and were punishing me for letting her touch me. He bought the gun for both of us. I don't know what made him change his mind."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Walking On Broken Glass" from Annie Lennox and "Everybody's Looking For Something" from Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams."


	30. Breathe...Repeat...Can't You See My Heart Burnin' In My Hand? and Stuck In A Moment

**Can’t You See My Heart Burnin’ In My Hand?**  
  
Jared walked into their music room with wet hair from his shower. He was layered in two shirts and sweat pants. Shannon was sitting on their newly purchased couch. The couch was almost too big for the room, but Shannon had insisted that they get this one; he had fallen in love with the softness of the cushions. It was the only piece of furniture in the room that the boys hadn’t found on the side of the road. People may see Jared as a big time actor with lots of money, but the truth was that Jared made just enough money to support his dreams. He didn’t take anything for granted.   
  
Sitting with one leg underneath him and facing his brother, he relaxed into the comfort of the new couch. Jared's voice was quiet and broken. "You have been smoking again. I can smell it in here."   
  
"Well, I was worried about you and, to be honest, I never really quit anyways."   
  
Shifting to face his brother, Shannon mirrored Jared’s actions and waited for Jared to look up before speaking.   
  
“Where did you go? I had people calling the house looking for you. Stone called. He was a little mad when I told him I would have you call him back as soon as you could.”   
  
Pulling on the long sleeves of one of his shirts, Jared answered. “Nowhere really. I went to the coast. Drove around the rest of the time. I came home when I ran out of cash.”   
  
“Are you hungry? Have you slept at all?” Shannon pulled Jared’s hands into his own lap to stop his brother from fidgeting.   
  
Jared simply shook his head “no” in response. He moved around to face the other direction and leaned back against his brother, placing the back of his head on Shannon’s shoulder. The long, dirty blonde hair made Shannon’s shirt wet, but he didn’t care.   
  
“Brent told me what happened. I can’t believe that she…”   
  
“Not now.” Jared cut his brother off mid-sentence. Jared turned his head up to catch Shannon’s gaze. “I can’t.”   
  
“Okay.”   
  
Jared leaned back further into his brother’s arms and closed his eyes. His body was tired from the lack of sleep, but his mind wouldn’t let him rest. Picking up one of Shannon’s hands, he turned it so he could see the palm. Lacing his fingers with his brother's, he moved their intertwined hands on his chest and took a deep breath. “I love you.”   
  
Kissing the top of Jared’s head, Shannon repeated his brother’s words.   
  
The next week Jared ran into Cameron at a music festival and Cameron walked away without a word. Jared left to go back on tour the next day. He left messages with her three times; all of them went unanswered. Closing her chapter in his life, Jared focused his attention on the preparation for his next character and the band. New ideas for their next album helped to fill his mind.   
  
On the tour bus with Shannon asleep by his side, Jared made the decision that this album would be more personal. He let himself get close to another person and got hurt. Music had always been a healing comfort for him. He was going to let himself explore that pain through the music and open himself up to the world. However, the music was not going to be about her; it was going to be about him. And it was going to be on his own terms.   
  
Reflecting back on their early morning interview, Jared slipped out of his brother’s bunk and wandered into the living area. Jared wasn’t having panic attacks anymore, but he had been Shannon’s shadow since the incident with Cameron. Not that Shannon would have left him alone anyways. He heard Shannon talking to the others about him when they went back on the road. Shannon informed the other members of the band that under no circumstances was anyone to mention Cameron’s name and that the others should give Jared some space. If anything were to happen with his brother, Shannon was to be informed immediately.   
  
Picking up his grandfather’s guitar, the words came easily.   
  
****

**Stuck In A Moment**  
  
“It was probably the best thing that he ever did in his life.” Shannon broke the silence of the room.   
  
“It makes me wonder what was going through his mind. I can understand him being angry and wanting to hurt Ma, but why did he spare my life? Ever since Tomo knocked me down, the question has been running through my head.” Jared clinched his eyes shut and continued. “And God, Shannon. His dead eyes keep staring at me.”   
  
Shannon placed his hand under Jared’s chin and moved him so that they were facing each other. “Look at me.”   
  
Jared unclenched his eyes and met Shannon’s brown eyes. “You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here. Ma’s here. Hell, I can have Grandma Ruby here on the next flight tomorrow. Whatever you want. Just no more secrets. No more lying.”   
  
“How do I tell them this? How?” Jared face took on a haunted look. “How do I tell my own mother that her husband neglected her son to the point that some other person was able to violate her four-year-old son? How do I tell her that I spent hours alone in a dirty motel room pretending to play with my brother? How do I look my mother in the eye again once she knows what I let that woman do?”   
  
“You didn’t let that woman do anything. You fought back! And even if you didn’t, you were four years old and she was the adult. Our father was suppose to be the adult. It is them that are sick. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.”   
  
With unshed tears, Jared closed his eyes and leaned into the warmth of his brother's body. Shannon kissed the top of his head and Jared fell asleep to the sound of Shannon saying he loved him.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Can't You See..." from Annie Lennox's song, Wonderful.
> 
> "Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of" by U2


	31. Breathe...Repeat...Learning Curve

“What the fuck is up his ass today?” Tomo said after he crossed the stage to Matt’s side. Tomo kept his eye on the man in question to make sure he remained a considerable distance away. The band was in Portland finishing up the leg of their tour. Jared decided that he was going to start acting again. Well actually, his agent decided that for him. Jared had his head so focused in music; he forgot that he also had another career that came with obligations as well.   
  
“You haven’t been around him enough. You will learn.” Matt said with a smirk on his face indicating that he knew something that the newest member did not.   
  
“I thought that I had the 'official training course' when I started this band.” Tomo said sarcastically while messing with Matt’s synth. The band wanted to make sure that Tomo knew what he was getting himself into before he officially made the decision to become part of the band. In order to this, the others had sat him down and explained their vision to him. That was, of course, after he was deemed trustworthy enough to know the secrets.   
  
“That information was only to make you aware that this is a highly planned out project of theirs. There are some things that you can only learn through experiencing them. And you haven’t been around enough yet to know.” Matt smacked Tomo’s hand away from his equipment. “That’s mine, go mess up your own instruments.”   
  
“I have been a part of this band for a couple of months. I think that I have earned my stripes. I know Jared is moody. Shannon always seemed more laid back however.” Tomo said looking a little hurt. He considered himself a full member of the band and didn’t like that he was being treated like some new guy.   
  
“Hey, this isn’t anything against you. Shannon doesn’t even know that he is doing it. Trust me. Look, just stand back tonight and watch. Forget what you think you know and just watch them.” Matt left to talk with their sound tech, and to let Tomo ponder what he was trying to tell him.   
  
Tomo took Matt’s advice and kept his eyes open the rest of the evening. At first he tried to act like he wasn’t studying the brothers’ behavior, but after the first hour he realized that neither was paying any attention to anyone except the other.   
  
Shannon had been in a foul mood since he woke up. Tomo felt some of his wrath earlier during sound check and later Tomo witnessed one of the local stage hands being stared down after he lost some of Shannon’s drumsticks.   
  
However, looking at Shannon talking to his brother while Jared put on his “war paint,” Tomo noticed that the man had no trace of the anger he had been exhibiting all day.   
  
Tomo kept his eyes on the pair and tried to figure out what was different about their interactions. And then he noticed Shannon move his right foot next to his brother’s left. Tomo figured that he would move it once he noticed that he was almost on top of his brother’s foot, but the foot remained in place while Jared stared into the mirror. After Jared was satisfied with his look, he patted his brother’s forearm and turned to leave.   
  
Figuring that Shannon’s bad mood was over with after watching the interactions, he walked up to Shannon and tried to make conversation. “What’s up with the make up anyways?”   
  
“You are asking the wrong person.” Shannon said with a snarl. Pushing against the wall he had been leaning on, he followed his brother’s path.   
  
Tomo watched him leave and caught Matt’s attention from across the room. Matt sat looking up at the younger man with the same knowing smirk from before.   
  
“Things will get worse before they get better.” Matt called out to Tomo’s retreating form.   
  
“What the fuck ever, Yoda.” Tomo mumbled under his breath as he left to look for the nearest exit to have a smoke before the show. After walking around the backstage area for a couple of minutes, he realized that he was lost. Turning a corner he swore he hadn’t seen before, he stopped quickly noticing he was not alone in the seemingly deserted hallway. He moved back around the corner before he was seen, but stayed to listen to the conversation. He knew that eaves dropping was wrong, but he was too curious to stop himself.   
  
“…good for me. Give me some time there and you can come later.” Jared’s voice traveled down the hall.   
  
“I’m concerned that you think this a good idea. It hasn’t even been a month since you disappeared on me and you are avoiding what happened with Cameron.”   
  
“I’m not avoiding anything. I’m not going to show up on set with my big brother like a child with his mother on the first day of school. It’s Oliver Fucking Stone and no.”   
  
“I don’t like that you are taking this so casually. The woman you were going to marry was sleeping around on you and you haven’t given any indication that it happened apart from hiding for two days. And now you are going to go off to another country and play pretend.”   
  
“You think that I can’t do this by myself.”   
  
“I think that you are going to do what you always do: hide behind someone else and ignore what is happening in your own life.”   
  
“You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about.”   
  
“You know that I do. Otherwise you wouldn’t be fighting this so much. I won’t let you shut me out.”   
  
Things got quiet and Tomo began to feel guilty that he had overheard a conversation that was meant to be private. Jared began to speak again as Tomo was turning to leave.   
  
“You are too much a part of me. I can’t shut you out even if I wanted to. It is just...” Tomo heard Jared’s voice break. “It scares me. This anger I feel. I don’t know what do with it.”   
  
Feeling very small, Tomo left the brothers alone and left to find an exit.   
  
Tomo’s cigarette was almost finished when he heard someone walk out of the door behind him.   
  
“Got one that I can bum?” Jared’s voice made Tomo jump. He expected it to be a stage hand taking one last break before the show. Tomo was still feeling guilty about the conversation that he overheard and handed over a cigarette before he could realize how odd the request was. Tomo had not seen anything that wasn’t completely organic past through the front man’s lips since knowing the man.   
  
Tomo looked on in confusion as Jared took Tomo’s lighter and expertly lit the cigarette. After taking a drag, Jared began to cough slightly as he let out the smoke. “I just remembered why I stopped smoking. These are horrible.”   
  
Tomo continued to give the older man a strange look as Jared leaned against the building and slid down to sit with his knees bent. Going against his statement of disgust, he continued to smoke the cigarette.   
  
“Shannon doesn’t mean it when he acts like that.” Jared put out the cigarette and looked up at the guitarist.   
  
“It’s cool. Everyone has their bad days.” Tomo fumbled over his words as he felt the front man’s eyes on him.   
  
Jared stood up in one fluid motion and leaned in close to the other man. “I don’t want to hear you listening in on our conversations again.”   
  
“I’m sorry. I am, but I was lost and Matt said to pay attention.” Tomo took a step back and gave Jared a sheepish look.   
  
“Just don’t do it again. We are on in five.” Jared walked back into the building and Tomo threw his cigarette down.   
  
He only had to watch closely for one night to realize that the bond between the brothers was like no other.


	32. Breathe...Repeat...Revolve and Living Your Indecision

**Revolve  
  
** Jared walked onto the set ready to start the day. Wardrobe and makeup had finally released him and the day was turning out to be a glorious one. Shannon had arrived in Morocco last night. Jared had stuck to his resolution from before- he went to Africa alone. He brought his brother's words with him however. Jared had spent his free time working on new music.   
  
The rest of the cast members were lounging around the set waiting for Oliver Stone’s DA to give them their orders. As Jared sat down next to Colin, the smile he had on his face all morning was still present.   
  
“So your brother came last night?” Colin struck up the conversation with his co-star.   
  
Giving Colin a speculative look, Jared answered in his character’s accent. “Are others following me around?”   
  
“No, just your face is very telling.” Colin’s accent was thicker than his character’s. Unlike Jared, he didn’t continue to use it when they were not filming. “Did he tuck you in proper last night?”   
  
The grin on Colin's face faded as Jared pushed him down to the ground. With his forearm pushing against Colin’s throat, Jared slid back into his own voice. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”   
  
The outburst quickly grabbed the attention of everyone in the room. Jared had never spoke to anyone with such anger in his voice the whole time he had been on the set. Jared was one of the hardest workers on the movie; constantly staying in character and learning more to improve his portrayal. Often Jared would keep to himself in between takes and get lost in his thoughts.   
  
“Jared! Jared, did you get the wrong script?” Oliver walked out of his tent and approached the group of people gathering around the two main characters. “Save it for later when you are actually fighting someone!”   
  
Hearing the sound of the director’s voice, Jared leaned down to whisper at the man below him. “You don’t speak about him again.” Giving Colin one last push, he stormed off the set without looking at anyone.   
  
“What did you do?” Oliver called out to Colin as the Irishman rubbed his neck.   
  
“Fuckin’ nothing! Asked him a question is all.”   
  
Oliver stood staring at the actor until Colin raised his arms up in a motion to signify that he didn’t know what the director was waiting for.   
  
“Go after him. Apologize. Alexander and Hephestian love each other! There are no domestic disputes. Fix it!” When Colin didn’t make any motion to move, Oliver yelled out, “NOW!”   
  
Colin didn’t have to go far to find Jared. The man was sitting outside near the exit to the building. After attacking Colin, his disheveled wardrobe showed off all the months of preparation the role had required of his naturally thin frame. Sitting with his eyes closed, Colin took in the good looks of his on-screen companion. Colin was a straight man, but he was comfortable enough in his masculinity to appreciate all forms of beauty.   
  
“I’m sor…” Colin started but was interrupted.   
  
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I am the one that is sorry.” The fake accent was completely gone giving every indication that the real Jared was speaking to him. As Jared opened his eyes, Colin saw the vulnerability in his friend’s expression.   
  
“Nah. It’s alright. Make-up might even like that they don’t have to paint on some fake bruises for once.” Colin took a seat next to the American, his own costume making it hard to cover himself. The joke did not get the laugh Colin was expecting. “You alright there?”   
  
“Do you ever feel like you have never been alive?” Jared asked with all sincerity.   
  
The question threw him off. Looking away from his friend, Colin tried to answer the question. “Isn't it human nature to question? To look at life and get lost in it.”   
  
“I get lost in it a lot. But my brother is the one that always knows where to find me. He keeps me from getting lost forever.” Looking down at his hand rubbing the cover up off his tattoo, Jared continued. “People talk about him like they know something about us. My temper sometimes gets in the way of rational thought.”   
  
Colin had seen some of the brothers' dynamic on the set of "Phone Booth." While Jared only had a minor role that ended up being cut, Shannon had been watching his brother from the sidelines the whole day. It was the only reason that he made the connection that Shannon had come to visit. The intense man finally had a smile on his face and Colin figured that he would give him a hard time about the sudden change in mood.   
  
“My family is close as well. I should known better than to talk about such things. I am sorry.”   
  
“We better get back before he recasts the movie.” Jared stood up and offered his hand to help the other up. As Colin grabbed the hand, he noticed the red showing completely through the tan concealer on Jared's wrist.   
  
****

**Living Your Indecision  
  
** _April 16, 2007_   
  
After peaking in on her sleeping sons, Constance quietly shut the door to Shannon’s room and crossed the hallway. Pausing at Jared’s door, she took a deep breath and opened the room. She had looked in the room earlier, but hadn't stepped foot in. She was waiting for her son to tell her what was hidden behind the door, but sometimes her sons needed a push in the right direction.   
  
From the view in the doorway, she saw that the room was a mess. Paint and paper covered the floor of the room. There were various drawing materials scattered throughout the room as well. In the mess was the answers to her questions.   
  
Placing the shoe box into the early morning sunlight shining down on the bench overlooking the woods behind the house, Constance turned to blindly collect the paintings and drawings scattered throughout the room. Constance sat down on the floor near the bench after she had all of the artwork. Going through each picture carefully, she tried to piece together her son’s pain.   
  
Each painting increased the nausea in her stomach as it was worse than the one before it. Her youngest son had put all of his emotions into capturing his time away from his family.   
  
Setting aside a picture of a bruised woman that appeared to represent her, the drawing she uncovered made her breathing stop and her blood run cold. The drawing showed a young, frighten Jared hiding in the dark. Reading the red word that ran across the boy’s face, she pushed away the papers and sat back in horror.   
  
After looking franticly around the room, one of the scattered paintings caught her eye. The dead man’s glare pierced right through her and she had to run to the bathroom before she lost control of her stomach.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revolve and lyric stolen from "Revolve" 30 Seconds to Mars.  
> Living Your Indecision is stolen from an unnamed song by Josh Logan


	33. Breathe...Repeat...Lose Control, Becoming Everything She Didn't Want To Be (1969), and Seeing Red

**Lose Control**  
  
Jared’s eyes opened from a deep sleep. The past couple of days had been exhausting for him, but sleep was still irregular. However, unlike before, it was not his nightmares that kept him from sleeping. There was a loud noise out in the hallway. Shannon, equally exhausted, awoke as well.  
  
“Something’s wrong.” Jared blue eyes were wide with fright.  
  
“What?” The lack of sleep was affecting Shannon’s ability to rationalize clearly.  
  
Jared opened his mouth to answer, but a noise from outside cut him off.  
  
Both brothers quickly moved out of the bed, letting the bed covers to fall to the floor. Opening the door, Shannon called out to their mother. He didn’t get an answer, but light coming from the open door of the bathroom told Shannon where the noise was coming from.  
  
Shannon followed the unpleasant noises to the bathroom and found his mother on her knees releasing the contents of her stomach. Shannon turned around expecting to find Jared behind him, but instead saw Jared looking into his own room. Before Shannon could retrace his steps back to the bedrooms, Jared had already locked himself behind his door. Hearing the lock move in place, Shannon lost his control.  
  
“Shit!” Shannon punched the wall next to his brother’s door. The hole he left would have been satisfying if his actions had released any of his anger.  
  
As his hand began to throb, Shannon glanced away from his brother’s locked door to the light coming from the bathroom. Looking back at the door once more, Shannon made his decision. Jared wasn’t going anywhere; he needed to check on his mother first.  
  
 ****

 **Becoming Everything She Didn't Want To Be (1969)**  
  
Constance Metrejon was a good army brat. She had followed her father around to many exciting locations growing up; never complaining that she wasn’t able to hold any lasting friendships. However, when she was finally going to be a senior in high school, she told her father that she was going to spend the year in one spot and she wasn’t asking his permission to do so.  
  
Bossier City, Louisiana was the only logical spot for her to finish her high school experience. The Metrejons had traveled down from Canada two generations ago and had staked a claim in the northern part of Louisiana. While her father and mother remained abroad, Constance would live with her aunt and grandmother.  
  
Growing up, Constance was the embodiment of a Metrejon: intelligent and witty, with a sense of class and style all her own. Her family encouraged her to be an independent thinker and make her mark on the world. The Metrejon philosophy had always been to live life for all its worth and leave behind no regrets.  
  
Many events happened in 1969: the Beatles played their last public performance; James Earl Ray pleaded guilty to killing Civil Rights Pacifist, Martian Luther King, Jr.; Plastic Ono Band had a sit in; The Stonewall Riots changed the way some viewed gay rights; Project Apollo landed on the moon; the Manson Family entered the collective conscious; the Vietnam War and the Cold War were typically dinner discussions; and Constance Metrejon graduated salutatorian and met the man that was going to forever change her life.  
  
Joseph was a 23-year-old mechanic who won over Constance with his charm and good looks. The two met at a national convention in New Orleans. Both found it strange that they lived in the same area of Louisiana, yet had to travel miles to meet one another.  
  
Once they were back in Bossier City, their relationship blossomed. Constance was scheduled to rejoin her parents at the end of the summer and the two were going to enjoy what they had left of the summer.  
  
It wasn't long before Joe showed his darker side to Constance. In an outbursts of rage, Constance learned first hand what Joe was capable of when he had been drinking. The night started like any other, but quickly changed when she told him ‘no.’ The couple had been intimate before, but never after Joe had been drinking.  
  
That night in the back of Joe’s pickup truck changed the way Constance viewed the world. It also changed the way she saw her future. At the age of sixteen, Constance found herself pregnant and ashamed that she had let down her family name.  
  
It was the summer that Constance lied to her father for the first time. Once she found out that she was pregnant, she told her family that Joseph had changed her life and she had found the man that she was going to spend her life with.  
  
Constance told Joe about the baby and he was eager to marry and settle down with his wife and child. Once the child was born, Joseph increased his drinking and began his torment of his wife. He insisted that the child didn’t like him and that she was poisoning the boy against him.  
  
Soon after giving birth to her first child, Joseph made sure that Constance would bare him another child. One that would like him best.  
  
After her second child was born, Joseph made an attempt to change his life around. He started a new job and limited his drinking to weekends. By the time Jared began to walk, Joseph was back to all of his bad habits and Constance continued to lie to her family.  
  
 ****

 **Seeing Red**  
  
“Ma.” Shannon walked into the bathroom and cautiously kneeled down beside his mother. The dry heaves had stopped but the tears continued to fall. Shannon grabbed a towel and handed it to his mother.  
  
Constance sat back against the bathtub and wiped tears from her face. “This is all my fault. I knew, Shannon. I knew the type of man your father was and yet I married him. I lied to everyone. I gave up everything that I believed in and let that bastard near my children. The idea that he could…”  
  
Constance’s dry heaves took over again and she moved back over the toilet. Once she calmed down a little bit, Shannon placed his hand on her back and helped her to her feet.  
  
“It wasn’t him Momma. It wasn’t him.” Shannon pulled his mother into a hug and tried to soothe her tears. “It wasn’t him.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyric stolen from "Buddha For Mary" 30 Seconds to Mars


	34. Breathe...Repeat...Force of Gravity and Dead Weight

**Force of Gravity**  
  
"Doesn't make any sense. Men fuck. How better else to express their feelings for one another?" Colin asked the consultant for the film. The "Alexander" script had Alexander bedding his new wife and Bagoas, yet the person that he was supposed to have had a great love affair with, got reduced to a few longing looks.   
  
"Alexander had a deep connection with his general. The connection started when both were young; physical intimacy was something that they were beyond at this point in their lives." The consultant had waited for someone to ask why there were no physical expression of love in the script. It was a matter that was talked over extensively with everyone that was responsible for getting the movie made.   
  
"But the connection, the fucking is the expression that the audience needs to see to understand. No one is going to buy that these two had a deep love for one another without sweaty, passionate sex." Colin continued his quest to get his point across.   
  
Jared had been listening in on the conversation, along with others from the set. In preparing for his role, he had done research on his character and the time. Some information he remembered from his childhood days of losing himself in myth and folklore, but some things he could only appreciate as a grown man.   
  
"Physical intimacy can never compare to emotional intimacy. Fucking is not necessary to develop that connection." Jared said from a few feet away. Both Colin and the consultant turned to look at him as Jared continued. "Hephaestion and Alexander saw something in each other that completed them. The simplest touch or look could convey more meaning than any night of passion."   
  
Colin shook his head and decided to admit defeat. Enough people were going to be upset that the film showed any love between the two, at least they could do was make it believable.   
  
Colin knew Jared had a band. Most actors have side projects that they work on. However, he had never heard any of their music. Colin asked to hear some after he caught Jared daydreaming during their meal break. Jared explained that he had a song running through his head and didn't mean to ignore his friend. With a genuine smile, Jared told Colin to follow him back to the hotel after he was done filming.   
  
Shannon opened the door and ushered the Irishman into their room. The film had provided each actor with their own single room, Colin made note that the room was without an extra cot. In all honesty, while the room was organized and neat, there wouldn't have been room for a cot. The room was filled with their luggage and a few instruments; along with two guitars and a keyboard, there was a small drum kit in the corner.   
  
"A bit tight in here isn't it boys?" Colin said sitting down in a chair near the window.   
  
"This is more space than we have had to deal with before. Plenty of room." Jared pulled his guitar from the stand and sat on the bed. Looking around the room, he continued. "Sorry I couldn't invite you to a studio. I don't have enough written yet to justify the cost to the record execs."   
  
"Haven't been able to pull your charm on them yet?"   
  
"He gets away with a lot more than he lets on." Shannon said sitting in the empty chair near Colin.   
  
Jared threw a pick in Shannon's direction while keeping his attention on his guest. "I don't know what to play for you. This seems silly now."   
  
"Play him an old song." Shannon relaxed back into his chair and crossed his legs. Soon his foot was swinging up and down. The action made Colin laugh to himself, Jared drove him nuts on set with the same movement.   
  
Jared locked eyes with his brother. After a couple of seconds, he turned his gaze away and began to play.   
  
"Capricorn" was a song that Jared enjoyed playing acoustic. While he had worked hard on the album version, there was something special about playing the song without all the distractions around the lyrics.   
  
As Jared sang, Colin studied the man's face. The intense, quiet man on set almost disappeared before him and was replaced with someone who read like an open book. Jared kept his eyes closed throughout his performance. Turning his eyes away from Jared, Colin looked at the man's brother.   
  
Being close to the brothers, he finally saw a family resemblance. He was curious if the bothers had the same father, but after Jared's outburst at Colin's jest a couple of days ago, he decided that family matters were to remain off limits.   
  
Jared finished his song and looked back at him for a reaction. Colin gave him the standard, "It was good. Why don't I hear it being played anywhere?"   
  
Both brothers gave off a slight grunt and began to talk at once. Shannon gave his brother a look and let him continue. Jared explained the fine world of record labels and public resistance to Colin. And then Shannon followed up Jared's point by saying, the music world had more red tape than even the film industry.   
  
Colin stayed and talked with the brothers for a little while. It was late when he decided to go back to his own room. The conversation from earlier was going through his head throughout his time with the brothers. With his hand on the open door, Colin looked back and stopped.   
  
"You were right before. Thanks for showing me."   
  
Shannon's lost expression made him smile as he made his way out the door.   
  
****

**Dead Weight**  
  
"It wasn't him? What does that mean it wasn't him?" Constance began to get frantic in her son's arms and she pushed him back. "That bastard raped my son!"   
  
"Jared needs to tell you this, but someone else did. He left him alone most of the day, but he didn't touch him. At least not that way." Shannon was beginning to crack. His brother had held on to this secret for years, but he wouldn't be able to.   
  
"Where is he? I need to speak with him." Constance quickly walked out of the bathroom and into the hallway.   
  
Both Constance and Shannon stopped in front of Jared's door.   
  
"He saw the door open and locked it before I could stop him."   
  
Constance raised her hand to the door and ran her fingers down the old wood. "Jared always knew how to hide. God, help my son."   
  
Inside the room, Jared sat in the same spot his mother had. While he remembered most of what happened two days before, some of it was still a blur. Looking around the room, he was reminded of hours he had locked himself away.   
  
The painting of the hidden boy laid in front of him and the boy's eyes pleaded out to him to help. Trying to avoid the eyes, he moved further back until he reached the bench. A sting in his upper right shoulder made him turn his head back. Sitting on top of the bench was a shoe box. Jared, even with his blurry memory, was positive that it was not in the room when he left.   
  
Grabbing the box and pulling the lid off, Jared's breath caught in his throat.   
  
The headline on the old newspaper read 1976. As he opened the paper, there was a picture of his father next to an article that read, "Local Man Kidnaps Son and then Kills Himself."   
  
Digging through the rest of the box, Jared found numerous articles that talked about the event. Also included in the box were pictures of his family and his old home. One picture was of his mother and father holding two small children. The smile on his father's face as he held him in his arms made him sick. Digging further into the box, Jared saw the police report on his father.   
  
The first page held the identifying information and the crime that he was charged with. The case was stamped closed. Under reasons for closure, it was marked deceased.   
  
Turning the first page, Jared saw the crime scene photos taken of the motel room. His father's body was photographed at different angles. One photo made his heart stop beating for a minute. Lowing down the papers in his hands, he found the painting of his father with the dead eyes. Much like his own painting, the eyes in the photo seemed to stare through him.   
  
Jared was reminded of the sound the gun made as it went off. The struggle he had to get out from underneath his dead weight. And then the realization that his clothes held not only blood, but tissue matter as well.   
  
He covered his ears as his four-year-old self screamed out. Curling up his legs, he placed his head on his knees and began to rock back and forth.   
  
Outside, Constance and Shannon jumped at the piercing scream coming from inside the locked room.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Force of Gravity" by B.T.


	35. Breathe...Repeat...Selling Your Soul and J'attendais

**Selling Your Soul**  
  
Fame is a double-edged sword. Either you lose it by staying private and fading into the background, or you let the world in and sell a little bit of your soul to stay in touch with the audience. It was the one thing that Jared truly hated about being an actor; he was expected to keep a buzz around his name. People love to make up rumors and gossip about others; so Jared accepted it as a part of his life. However, he wasn’t going to play into their games. He tried to maintain a mystery about himself and ignored the blatant lies the press liked to spin. His publicist always told him if he saw the stuff she stopped them from running, he would feel better about the silly stuff that was written about him.  
  
So when his management called him after he was finishing shooting “Alexander” and told him that he needed a girlfriend, Jared kindly told them to “Fuck off” and hung up the phone. He did not need a girlfriend. He was bringing his grandmother to the premier of the movie and already had another movie lined up. He did not need a girlfriend.  
  
“Lord of War” was another film that fit perfectly into the band’s schedule. He would be able to continue working on the album and get to travel on the film’s dime to exotic locations. Travel always sparked Jared’s imagination and he was really looking forward to going to South Africa. Plus, he liked the freedom of working at his own pace and creating an album that the band could be proud of.  
  
During his short stay in L.A., Brent told him to get his ass over to his club so he could see him before he ran away to be an actor again. Jared and Shannon gladly accepted the offer and headed out for a night of relaxation.  
  
Shannon decided to dance with some girls and left Jared alone with Brent in the back room. While Jared enjoyed the energy of the club atmosphere, he needed a break from the stares every now and again. It was also nice to talk with Brent without having to shout at one another. Jared stayed while Brent went off to attend to business.  
  
A couple of minutes later, Brent returned and told Jared that he probably wanted to head out. Cameron was on her way over and she was bringing with her a date. Jared dismissed going home in favor of acting like an adult and dealing with the fact that the two were bound to run into each other sometime. And to add to that, he didn’t want to have to cut Shannon’s evening short. Shannon had been doing enough of the protective older brother bit and needed some time to himself.  
  
Shannon, however, saw Cameron and Justin arrive and went into protective mode once again. Jared dismissed Shannon’s concern just as he had Brent’s.  
  
“You need a break. Go enjoy yourself. They don’t have to ruin the evening.” Jared said as he sat in Brent’s chair. Shannon gave him a long look and then decided that Jared seemed fine with the situation and went back to his women.  
  
An half an hour later, Jared, who had until then remained hidden in Brent’s office, was bored and wanted to leave. Walking across the dance floor to his brother, he ran into another man full on and had to steady himself to keep his balance. The other man, who had been drinking, didn’t have the ability to keep upright and fell down. On the way down, he laughed.  
  
Seeing who the man was, Jared commented. “Thought dancers were known to have control over their bodies, pretty boy.”  
  
“That’s funny, I heard you had enough manhood to keep a woman satisfied. Guess not everything you hear is correct, pretty watanabe.” Justin said picking himself off the ground and raising himself to his full height to tower over the smaller man.  
  
“Mature. Cameron letting you come out to play tonight? I would think someone your age would be tucked into to bed by now.” Jared was usually above this pettiness, but found that he just couldn’t help himself. He found himself disliking everything about the smug demeanor Justin possessed.  
  
As Jared walked away from the man, Justin fired back with, “What would you know about women tucking men into bed?”  
  
Just then, Cameron came into Jared’s view. His body stopped itself as he saw her approaching. The man behind him was forgotten until Cameron looked past his shoulder and smiled. Walking around Jared with only a slight glance, she joined Justin.  
  
Without looking back, Jared continued on his journey to find his brother. Shannon waved good-bye to his new friends and followed his brother home without a word.  
  
The next morning, Jared called his management team and told them that he would be willing to accept a temporary girlfriend. However, she had to be somewhat intelligent and believable for him to date. Also, someone who would know what the arrangement was going to be: a chance to get some press and then a clean break.  
  
His management excitedly called him back that same day and told him they had found the perfect person. Scarlett Johansson. She was young and accomplished, plus she was thinking about dipping into the musical world and could benefit from Jared as her mentor. The best thing was that she wasn’t looking for anything long-term, she didn’t believe in monogamy, and she didn't talk about her relationships.  
  
Jared accepted and was told he would meet her soon. The two meet briefly before Jared went off to South Africa.  
  
 ****

 **J'attendais**  
  
After the piercing scream, the house settled into an eerie silence.  
  
“Shannon, I left some papers in there. Granddad wanted to make sure Jared had something to reference if he ever wanted to learn more about his kidnapping and the man your father was. He was even able to talk the police department into handing over a copy of the police report.”  
  
Shannon stayed staring at the door. His mother could tell that he was concentrating hard on something and she wondered if he even heard a word she said.  
  
“What are you thinking, honey?” Constance said placing a hand on Shannon’s forearm.  
  
“Just wondering why we bought a house with so many fucking locks.” Shannon said in a defeated voice. Short of breaking the door down, there was no way to get inside. “I can’t get to him if he remains locked inside.”  
  
At that moment an idea hit him and Shannon quickly turned away from the door and made his way to the stairs.  
  
“Where are you going?” Constance yelled after him.  
  
“He is not the only one that knows how to climb.” Shannon’s retreating form shouted back.  
  
The brothers didn’t own a ladder, but Shannon improvised by first moving the grill over to the spot under Jared’s window and then grabbed onto the overhang. Using all of the upper body strength that he had accumulated over the years by beating the hell out of his drums everyday, he lifted himself up and onto the second story roofing. Keeping his balance walking on the sloping roof, Shannon reached the window and looked in.  
  
His brother was curled up on himself rocking back and forth. Like a scared little boy. As gently as he could, Shannon tapped on the window and waited for a response. There was none.  
  
Tapping a little harder got Jared to lift his head and look around the room. Knocking one more time got his attention to the window. Shannon gave his brother a slight smile as the recognition hit Jared’s face. Jared stayed in his spot looking on at his brother with a smile to match. Shannon finally found him.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "J'attendais" by Celine Dion
> 
> I was waiting, I was waiting, I was waiting your love  
> Your beautiful, your beautiful love  
> I was waiting to finally live  
> By giving at my turn  
> I was waiting


	36. Breathe...Repeat....The Only Way To Get There Is To Go Straight Down and Israel's Son

**The Only Way To Get There Is To Go Straight Down  
  
** Jared sat overlooking the ocean in South Africa. The house that the band was renting for remainder of Jared's time on the movie was only a short hike away from the cliffs that encapsulate the southern tip of Africa. His part of the filming in South Africa was done and he had some time before he had to head back to New York. He had been spending this time with the band finally putting down the songs that he had constantly running through in his head. While some songs he had with him for awhile, new material was coming to him everyday in South Africa.   
  
Jared could sense someone walking up behind him and knew that it was Shannon by the way he quietly approached him. Tomo and Matt were always louder when coming up to him. Jared wondered if Shannon did that on purpose; walk up to him gently as not to freak him out. Shannon should know Jared’s moods better than anyone.   
  
Overlooking the Southern Ocean, Jared was reminded of how small he was in comparison to it all.   
  
“I thought you would be out here,” Shannon said as he wrapped himself around his brother from behind. Jared was sitting with his arms wrapped around his knees and Shannon put his hands over his brother's as he rested his chin on Jared’s shoulder. Jared had been extra quiet since last night when he shared his new song with the band. Shannon was worried that his brother was losing himself in memories of the past.   
  
Jared leaned back into his brother’s arms and closed his eyes. South Africa was changing him. “I want to go there someday.”   
  
“Where?” Shannon tightened his hold on his brother. Jared was trembling slightly in his arms.   
  
“Antarctica,” Jared said and he turned his head to look at his brother, taking one of Shannon's hands into his own. The early morning sun was making Shannon’s face glow. “I want to explore the myths of the Southern Land.”   
  
Shannon always knew that his brother dreamed big, but a trip to the cold land was unexpected. “Antarctica may not be ready for you.”   
  
“Maybe I’m not ready for it.” Jared turned back around to watch the waves reach the shore and started humming the song from last night.   
  
Shannon could sense that his brother was trying to tell him something. The song Jared had shared with them last night was one of the most personal songs Jared had recorded. The underlying meaning of it would be lost on the causal listener. Shannon knew that the meaning was lost even on his band mates.   
  
Listening to Jared hum the tune, Shannon reflected back on the lyrics.   
  
_Hide behind an empty face_  
The mask his brother put on to the world was one that Shannon knew well.   
  
_Everyone is looking at me_  
When Jared came home, the family was always checking up on him and watching his every move.   
  
_Quiet desperation_  
Jared didn’t talk for over a year, but everyone watched him live with his pain.   
  
_This is just a game_  
Jared, in his child mindset, told himself that what was happening to him was not real and blocked it out.   
  
_A beautiful lie, the perfect denial_  
The perfect lie is one in which you yourself begin to believe.   
  
Both of the brothers were caught up in the moment and lost in their own thoughts when Tomo walked up to them. Excited to be living his wildest dreams, Tomo bounced up to the brothers and called out his “good morning.”   
  
The brothers deep in their quiet reflections were startled and both jumped at the unexpected noise. Both turned to look at the younger man with a smile. Tomo was acting younger than his years while in the new continent. Everyone thought that Tomo’s childlike excitement was amusing.   
  
“You’re up early,” Shannon said from his place wrapped around his brother.   
  
“It is just too fucking much to sleep here. Look at that!” Tomo pointed out to the sun over the ocean. The sun caught the sparkle in his eyes.   
  
“I’m glad I could bring you along on this journey,” Jared said in all seriousness. Tomo was great amusement for his serious moods. “I hope you never lose that excitement for life.”   
  
Tomo smiled down at Jared and with his look, Jared knew how appreciative Tomo was for everything the band had given him.   
  
Matt walked up then and looked around. “Jesus Fucking Christ, I love my life!”   
  
The four members sat on the cliff all morning and thought about their lives. Jared in Shannon’s arms, Tomo with his arm wrapped around Jared’s arm, and Matt with his arm thrown around Tomo’s shoulders. All were thinking that they couldn’t have picked better people to share the experience with.   
  
****

**Israel's Son**  
  
Shannon kept the smile on his face as he motioned for Jared to open the window. Jared looked around the mess of the room quickly before uncurling himself to stand up. The papers that surrounded him fell away and all he saw was his brother waiting for him on the other side.   
  
“I want to go there,” Jared said as Shannon climbed through the window.   
  
Standing up next to his brother, Shannon asked the obvious question. “Where?”   
  
“His grave.”   
  
“Is that a good idea, Jared? We don’t have much time left of this vacation. We need to leave to go to Glasgow in two days.”   
  
“I need to see it,” Jared said as he walked towards the door. Pausing at the one thing that separated himself from his mother, his hand stayed frozen on the lock. Taking a deep breath, he decided to stop hiding from his life and unlocked his past.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The Only Way..." taken from "Tomorrow" by Silverchair.  
>  "Israel's Son" taken from Silverchair


	37. Breathe...Repeat...Dreamer and Put Your Lights On

    

  
**Dreamer  
  
** The morning wake up call startled Shannon from a deep sleep. Opening one eye, he saw his brother pick up the phone and then place it back down without listening to the message. Taking it as a sign that he still had some time to sleep, he closed his eyes and snuggled into his pillow. He signed when Jared threw his leg over his own. Shannon didn’t want to leave Africa yet. Unfortunately, the band was scheduled to leave for the airport at 8 o’clock.   
  
Feeling Jared staring at him, he opened one of his eyes to confirm. Jared lay on his own pillow with both of his hands under his head looking intently back at him.   
  
Opening his other eye, Shannon asked. “Why are you smiling at me like the cat that ate the canary?”   
  
“You were talking in your sleep.” The smile grew larger at the look of confusion on his brother’s face.   
  
“I don’t talk in my sleep.”   
  
“You do too. You have for a number of years. I just never told you because I get to hear all your secrets this way.”   
  
“Bullshit. I have slept with other people before. No one was ever said that I talk in my sleep.”   
  
“Maybe because you weren’t actually asleep when you were in bed with them.”   
  
“Fine. What was I saying?” Shannon raised his eyebrow to call Jared’s bluff.   
  
“You were declaring your undying love for Tomo and informing me that, as my duty as your best man, I had to choreograph the dancing coconuts at your wedding.”   
  
“See, that would never happen.” Shannon said as he re-closed his eyes.   
  
“You would never marry Tomo?”   
  
“I would never want dancing coconuts at my wedding. They are too hard-headed; I won’t have them taking away from my big day.”   
  
“Well, I guess that I need to rethink the theme for our new tour. I thought dancing coconuts were the direction we were growing into. Maybe we should use mangos.”   
  
“At the wedding or during the tour?”   
  
“Does it matter?”   
  
“Well if it is for the wedding, I don’t think mangos are in season during the late fall, when I plan on getting married. And if it is for the tour, isn’t that a bit showy?”   
  
“True. No fruit.”   
  
Someone knocked at their door and the brothers called them in. Matt and Tomo had the spare key to their room. Shannon was always loosing it and they found that it was easier on everyone if one of the others kept a spare for him.   
  
Tomo walked in and upon seeing the brothers in bed, apologized and turned to leave.   
  
“Hey, wait. It's okay, we were just discussing your marriage to my brother. Apparently the dancing coconuts are out, but there is still a possibility for mangos if you really want them.”   
  
“Sounds fascinating. I just came to tell you that the car company just called and said that they are going to be earlier than expected. They tried calling your room, but someone hung up on them. So you and my future husband have an half an hour to get ready to leave.”   
  
“Are you sure you want to marry someone that is so demanding?” Jared stage whispered to his brother as Tomo was leaving the room.   
  
“I heard that. And keep your hands off my fiancé.” Tomo called out as he shut the door on the brothers.   
  
“Brides!” Jared said laughing as he moved to get out of the bed. Shannon caught his arm as he was leaving.   
  
“What was I really saying?” Shannon released the arm and looked up into Jared’s blue eyes.   
  
“My name.” Jared gave his brother one last smile before leaving the bed and heading toward the bathroom.   
  
Later down in the lobby, Matt asked if Tomo told them about the change in arrangements. The car was going to be here any minute and the brothers were no where to be found.   
  
“Yes, I walked in on them planning my wedding. Considering Shannon has staked claim on my goods, I think that you are Jared’s.” Tomo wrapped his arm around Matt’s shoulder. “You poor bastard.”   
  
“Hey! It wouldn’t be that bad. Sure he is opinionated and can talk over my head, but I’m sure that he will love me for me. Besides, I would pay good money to see him in a dress.”   
  
“Forget it, Mattie. Your legs would look better in the wedding gown.” Jared walked past the two and up to the car that just pulled up. Putting his luggage into the trunk, he turned back to the entrance of the hotel and watched Shannon thank the manager. The boys had always been taught that courtesy goes a long way in this world.   
  
“Hey, Jared. Move.” Matt pushed the front man out of the way. Jared was acting stranger than normal. “I’m not marrying you if you continue to pine after Shannon.”   
  
Jared didn’t pay any mind to the comment and jumped in the car.   
  
Matt looked at Tomo for an explanation. Tomo laughed at him and told him that their marriage was never going to work if they didn't work on their communication skills.   
  
The plane ride back was long and quiet. The brothers stayed wrapped up in their own conversation while Matt and Tomo played various naughty versions of classic childhood games. One raunchy game of hangman made the flight attendant blush so bad that she quickly ran back to the employee section of the plane.   
  
Landing in Florida, Jared waited for his connecting flight to New York and the others jumped on another plane going to L.A. Shannon had a look on his face like he lost his best friend during the entire flight home. Even jokes of Tomo wearing his fishnet wedding night lingerie couldn't improve his mood.   
  
Jared messaged Shannon half why through the flight to let him know that they landed safely and that he would be home in a couple of weeks. Shannon was already regretting leaving his brother alone.   
  
****

**Put Your Lights On**  
  
The time passed and Jared found himself with another script. With time still left on the recording process of the album, Jared decided to fill some time playing a serial killer.   
  
Seeing the script lying on the table, Shannon picked it up and read parts of it. When Jared came home from the grocery store, Shannon told him that there was no way that Jared was taking this part. Shannon saw themes in it that were not healthy for Jared.   
  
"Since when do you tell me what I can do?" Jared was putting away the groceries a little too aggressively.   
  
"I'm not telling you what to do; I'm telling you that this movie is a bad idea." Shannon came up behind Jared and stopped him from throwing the juice into the fridge. "You have to remember, I have been dealing with your acting methods for a while now. This man... he is too much like...."   
  
"Stop it!" Jared spun around, shutting the door as he turned his attention to Shannon.   
  
Shannon was not surprised by his brother's outburst; in fact, he was expecting it. "I don't want you to have to go there. Not this like."   
  
"I don't know what you are talking about." Jared's anger was making his face heat up.   
  
"Lying to me has never worked."   
  
"I don't...." Jared took two steps forward until he was well in Shannon's personal space and then continued with ice in his voice, "... know what the fuck you are talking about."   
  
"That is not going to work on me either. You are not going to intimidate me; you are my little brother." Shannon stood his ground and continued in a voice that was calm and a little patronizing. "I know your triggers and I know your defense mechanisms."   
  
"You also have a high opinion of yourself." Jared left his brother in the kitchen and spent the rest of the evening avoiding him.   
  
When Shannon decided to go to bed, he called out "good night" to Jared but was met with silence. Jared just continued to stare at an infomercial for Proactiv.   
  
Shannon half expected Jared to crawl into bed with him in the middle of the night, but when he awoke the next morning he was alone in the bed. Walking into the living room, Shannon found his brother asleep on the couch with the television still on. Turning off the set, he left his brother to rest and he made his way to the kitchen.   
  
Jared came walking into the kitchen minutes later at the smell of the fresh brewing pot. Walking up behind his brother, Jared put his arms around him from behind. Resting his head on the back of Shannon's neck, he whispered, "I'm sorry."   
  
"Good. You are still doing the movie though." Shannon was mixing sugar into his cup.   
  
"Yes."   
  
There wasn't much that Jared would not do to portray a character, especially the ones based off of real people. However, Jared met with the director on the first day of shooting and told him that in no way would he be involved with the child's death or disposing of the body. If it meant that another actor would take his role, he didn't care, but he was not exploring that part of himself on screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Put Your Lights On" by Santana featuring Everlast


	38. Breathe...Repeat...Beauty In The Breakdown

  
“Dude.” Matt called out to his newly bald friend who had just walked into their practice space. It was the first time that the group was meeting in preparation for the new tour. It was also the first time that anyone besides Shannon had seen Jared since he started filming “Lonely Hearts.” Matt had heard about the process of hair removal for the film and figured that shaving it all off would be the end result, but nothing prepared him for seeing his friend with no hair. The man that famously changed hair styles with the tide had never gone completely bald before. It was the perfect opportunity to mess with him. “I hear that Rogaine works well with premature balding.”  
  
Jared started to spontaneously laugh at the comment. In his pretend fit of laughter, he bent over and slapped his hands on his knees. Shannon, who was walking right behind his brother, wasn’t prepared for the sudden change of course and ran into his brother. Grabbing him around the waist to keep him from falling, Jared’s backside came into complete contact with Shannon’s lower half. Jared quickly stood up and walked away from his brother.  
  
“Kids these days show no fucking respect. Tomo, get me my walker; I don’t think I’m going to make it to the chair.” Jared mocked everyone as he slowly walked to the chair and sat down. “Ok, everyone one has five minutes to get it out of their system and then we get to work. Matt, you already took up three minutes, so you better make it good.”  
  
After some light spirited jokes at the front man’s expense, the band got to their rehearsal. Most of the songs were already recorded, but they needed to practice making them work live. Five hours had gone by before Tomo started complaining that he was hungry and that if he didn’t get a smoke within the next five minutes, he would not be responsible for the damage done to Pythagoras. Jared gave Matt and Tomo money to go get pizza and some drinks and the brothers stayed back to work on more material.  
  
Waiting in Tomo’s truck for the pizza, Tomo decided to go back to the conversation they had almost two years ago.  
  
“They are different, aren’t they?” Tomo said smoking his third cigarette since leaving the practice studio. “I have been watching them.”  
  
“Yeah, they are different.” Matt was finishing up his first cigarette since being let free.  
  
“When I walked in on them in South Africa, they were sleeping in the same bed. And I am pretty sure that neither of them were wearing clothes.” Tomo was tentative in his approach; he didn’t want to come off like he was judging the brothers.  
  
“The thing that you have to remember about them is that they are only doing what they know. They grew up different than us; some shit went down with them. Shannon told me once a little bit about it because Jared freaked out on me. You have seen Jared go off on people before, but I will never forget the look of fear in his eyes when he was acting like he couldn’t breathe. Total loss of control. Shannon calmed him down like he had been doing it for years. I knew that the brothers were close before that day, but I never realized how much they rely on one another to just get through the day.”  
  
Matt put out the cigarette that had burned all the way down while he was talking. “If they were in bed together, then that was what they needed to get through that day. However, never assume anything with those two.”  
  
“It doesn’t bother you that they are possibly having sex with one another?” Tomo was serious about his question.  
  
“I think of it like this. Is it better that they are possibly sleeping with one another, or would it be better that they didn’t have each other to comfort them? Because I am pretty sure that if they didn’t have one another, this whole band wouldn't exist. Hell, they would either be dead or in jail somewhere.”  
  
“We don’t talk about this with them, do we?” Tomo saw the pizza girl wave at them through the window and paused with his hand on the door knob.  
  
“No. We don’t talk about this with them. If either of them starts acting out of the ordinary, just wait to see what happens. Typically, the other one will take care of it before we even notice.” Matt pushed open his own door. “Come on, I’m fucking starving.”  
  
Months later, Tomo got to see a total freak out in action. One that scared him because what Matt said was true, they always had one another if one of them was acting strange. However, Matt never warned him about what would happen if they were both angry.  
  
Sitting in a radio station starting their promotion for “A Beautiful Lie” Jared got a call during a break. Someone had leaked the album that they had spent over two years writing and recording. Jared went off on the person on the phone and then quickly made another phone call to someone that was higher up in the ranks at their record company. Jared, ever the professional, realized that he was in a radio station surrounded by people that would love to get the inside dish on Jared Leto freaking out on his record label. So he keep it short and to the point. If the person on the other end of the phone was not shaking by the time Jared hung up on them, Tomo was pretty sure that they had no soul.  
  
It took exactly 15 minutes for Jared to lose all of his control once they left the radio station. However, this time, Shannon wasn’t there to keep him grounded because he was just as mad, if not more so, than his brother. Numerous calls were made before the car went into complete silence. Tomo felt like he did when he was young and his parents were arguing in front of him. Looking over at Matt, all he saw was disappointment on his face. Everything that they had worked for... gone.  
  
In the same practice studio that they had been working in for months now, Shannon gathered everyone together and informed them that this was not going to change anything. The fans were still going to buy the album and they were going to make new ones through the leak. If not, then they were going to fight to get everyone to listen to what they had to offer.  
  
Jared was looking out the window during his brother's speech with a stern look on his face. Since yelling out everyone he could think of at the recorded label, he had been silent. Standing up, he took one of the practice guitars and threw it against the window. As the glass shattered into tiny pieces around him, Jared cried out.  
  
Turning around to the rest of the group, he declared. "Tomorrow. We start again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beauty In The Breakdown taken from "Let Go" by Frou Frou


	39. Breathe...Repeat...Seems I'm Not Alone At Being Alone and Touched By An Angel With Love

  
**Seems I'm Not Alone At Being Alone**  
  
“I'm bringin' sexy back…Them other fuckers don't know how to act.”   
  
“Make him stop. Please, make him stop!” Tomo covered his ears and yelled out to Shannon. Matt had a new favorite song and he was repeating the same phrase over and over…and over again.   
  
“I swear, Matt. You have no fucking taste, man. None.” Shannon walked into the kitchen area of the bus from the back and leaned against the man singing. Matt was sitting across from Tomo with his earphones on. Putting his arm around his neck in a light choke-hold, Shannon pushed away the earphones and put his wet finger into one of Matt’s ears. “Jared catches you singing that, you won’t be able to sleep soundly for a week.”   
  
“I’m not afraid of him. He is about the size of a grown-up lima bean.” Matt attempted to break free of Shannon’s hold by poking him in the stomach and then increasingly lower.   
  
“Grown-up lima bean? Where the fuck did you go to school? St. Mary of Angels’?” Shannon increased his hold and blocked Matt’s prodding hands. He couldn’t move away fast enough, however, and Matt grabbed him around the waist and took him down to the floor. The hallway in the bus was narrow and both men’s limbs hit the cabinets as they attempted to get the upper hand. Matt had the size on Shannon, but Shannon made use of his muscle and he came out on top. Smiling down at the man underneath him, he said, “Say my brother isn’t a lima bean.”   
  
“Never!” Matt took advantage of Shannon’s cocky attitude and turned the tables on the older man. In a quick movement of strength, he had the drummer pinned to the ground on his stomach. “I’m bringin’ sexy back, yeah!”   
  
“Tomo, I try to help and you just sit back and watch?” Shannon’s muffled voice called out. “Do something!”   
  
Tomo took the invitation and jumped on Matt’s back. His added weight just increased the pressure on Shannon, but soon his tickling made Matt release his grip and Shannon was able to wiggle out of the pile. Sitting back, he watched Tomo reduce Matt to a puddle of giggles. After a couple of minutes, Tomo let up on Matt and they both lay back trying to catch their breath.   
  
“Where is Jared?” Tomo asked keeping his eyes on Matt for the retaliation attack.   
  
“Radio interview.” Shannon got back onto his feet and held out both of his hands to help his friends up.   
  
“And we weren’t invited?” Tomo sat back down in his spot from earlier but scooted over to give Shannon room to sit. Matt sat back down across from them and gave his iPod a once over to make sure no damage was done.   
  
“Something quick that he felt you wouldn’t want to sit through.”   
  
“Oh.” Tomo looked down at the table and asked, “He alright?”   
  
“Jared? Jared is fine.” Shannon stopped his tapping on the table and gave his attention to his band mate. “Why?”   
  
“I heard him last night is all.”   
  
“Heard him what?” Shannon didn’t hear anything last night besides the hum of the engine as they traveled to their current location.   
  
“He was out here for most of the night. Singing something.”   
  
“That is not that uncommon for him; sometimes he can’t sleep.”   
  
“He was singing something I haven’t heard before.”   
  
“Probably a new song or something.”   
  
“We turning into a gospel band? ‘Cuz if we are, that’s cool and all, but I don’t know.”   
  
“A very wise man taught him that song,” Shannon started his tapping again.   
  
Hearing Shannon’s rhythm, Tomo said, “That was what he was playing last night.”   
  
“Who taught him that?” Matt piped into the conversation. He heard Jared last night as well and was a little surprised that Shannon hadn’t heard his brother. Jared wasn’t being overly loud last night, but normally the brothers knew everything the other did.   
  
“Jesus! Next time someone is coming with me. I don’t care how early it is; I need someone to roll my eyes at. 'So Jared, what is it like to be an actor who knows how to make it in the music business?' 'Friends with Russell Crowe?' I swear they lose brain cells every time they interview someone.” Jared burst in through the bus door and startled the quiet group. After throwing off his jacket and running his hand through Shannon’s short hair, he sat down next to Matt at the table. “We having a family meeting? Because someone is not taking care of their dishes.”   
  
Shannon moved his feet so they were on either side of Jared’s foot. “I was telling them about Granddad.”   
  
Shannon was impressed on how quick Jared removed the shock from his face.   
  
“What brought him up?” Jared moved his other foot so that it was on top of Shannon’s. Drawing a small pattern on the table, he looked around to see three sets of eyes looking back at him.   
  
“Someone was giving a free concert last night.” Shannon held Jared’s attention and made sure that it was alright before he continued. “Tomo and Matt wanted to know where that song came from.”   
  
“He passed when we were young, but he taught us a lot of what he know. He was a good man.” Jared’s gaze alternated between Tomo and Matt before locking back on his brother.   
  
“He had this way of telling stories that just drew you in and made you want to hear more. He was the first person to introduce us to the guitar. We were both too young to hold it, so he sat us in his lap and held it for us.” Shannon explained to the others with a smile on his face.   
  
“We would be different people if it wasn’t for him,” Jared said quietly looking away from the group. “I’m going to get some rest before rehearsal.”   
  
As Jared made his way back to the bunks, Tomo and Matt looked to Shannon for the cue as to what to do.   
  
“Why don’t you guys go explore the city? We’ll see you at rehearsal.” Shannon stood up and followed his brother’s path.   
  
“Come on, sexy boy. Let’s go see the world.” Tomo pulled on Matt’s hand as he stood away from the table.   
  
“It’s not sexy boy, it’s…” Matt’s voice trailed off as the door shut behind them.   
  
Shannon found his brother in Shannon’s bunk. The tears were already threatening to fall on his brother’s face as Shannon hopped up into the bunk. Kissing his brother’s forehead, he let his hand trail down Jared’s arm before he took his hand in his own. Jared squeezed his brother’s hand tight.   
  
“I was trying to sleep last night and I was thinking about things. I realized I forgot so much about him.” Jared moved so that his chest was pushed against his brothers. “I didn’t realize how much I miss him.”   
  
“I bet you remember more than you think. Look at everything we have accomplished with this album; it isn’t even released yet and it has a buzz around it. You are using what he taught us.”   
  
“He would be proud of us.”   
  
“He is.” Shannon watched as Jared closed his eyes and the lack of sleep caught up with him. “I know he is.”   
  
****

**Touched By An Angel With Love**  
  
Hearing the lock turn on the door, Constance opened her eyes from her prayer. As she waited for the door to open, she felt her body begin to tremble.   
  
Jared's anxious face greeted her once the door was fully open. Without being able to stop herself, she rushed up to Jared and took him in her arms. Together they held one another as Shannon looked on.   
  
"I love you so much it hurts me." Constance pulled her son closer as she began to cry. "I'm so sorry for letting you suffer."   
  
"Momma, it isn't your fault." Jared tried to pull back to look at his mother's face, but she increased her grip. He wasn't getting away from her again.   
  
"I love you so much." Constance repeated her words from earlier and opened her eyes to find Shannon. Reaching out one of her hands to him, he came towards her until he had his arms wrapped around both of them. "I love both of my sons with all my heart."   
  
"We know, Momma." Shannon tried to soothe his mother.   
  
The three of them held one another until Constance pulled back to look at her youngest son. "Are you alright?"   
  
Jared shook his head up and down. "I want to go see him."   
  
"No." Constance took a step back and stared at both of her sons. "He is not coming near you ever again. No."   
  
"He needs to see it." Shannon tried to explain to his mother who had a look of disbelief on her face. The coloring in her face was beginning to go pale as she took in everything that was happening. "Ma, you alright?"   
  
"I don't...." Constance closed her eyes as her body swayed. "I'm..."   
  
"Ma!" Shannon took his mother by her arms before she could fall.   
  
Guiding her towards the bed, he sat her down. Jared sat on the other side of her as she put her head in her hands.   
  
"I need to know, honey." Constance kept her head down as she voiced her request. "Tell me what caused you to draw so much pain."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Seems I'm Not Alone..." taken from "Message in a Bottle" by The Police  
>  "Touched by an Angel..." taken from "A New Day Has Come" by Celine Dion
> 
> And yeah, "SexyBack" by Justin Timbersnake Timberlake. (Don't hate me. Matt made me do it.)


	40. Breathe...Repeat...With The Heart of A Lion and Conquering Babylon

**With The Heart Of A Lion**  
  
Jared was trying to hide something from his brother. Shannon knew this because Jared had been strangely distant for the last couple of days. Shannon wasn’t too concerned about what his brother was hiding because Jared had a permanent smile on his face. While one would think that it had something to do with their album finally being released after so many delays, Shannon knew that it had to be something more. So he did what he always did when he thought that his brother had a secret; he watched him. Jared was a creature of habit and if you had lived with him for as long as Shannon had, you began to pick up on his signals.  
  
From the way that Jared was acting, Shannon began to wonder if his brother had a crush. Jared hadn’t had a relationship in years. Scarlett was just for show and Cameron was long gone. The last time that Shannon knew he had been with someone was months ago.  
  
The fact that he had a crush narrowed it down to someone that was touring with them, because with all the promotion they were doing for the new album, Jared barely had time to call their mother let alone meet someone new.  
  
Walking onto the bus to get his camera, Shannon walked in on Matt painting Jared’s nails red. Jared liked to experiment with his nails, alternating between black, natural, and white, but other colors were rare. Red was a new color.  
  
Shannon looked on as Matt used one of his hands to hold down Jared’s left while the other was neatly brushing on the color. Jared's permanent smile was illuminated as he watched Matt’s tongue stick out from the concentration. And what was even weirder was that Jared didn’t look up to acknowledge that his brother had walked into the room, something both brothers did automatically since they were little.  
  
Shannon continued to observe the pair, waiting for one of them to notice that he was in the room. Finally, he spoke to get their attention.  
  
“Really? Red?” If his brother was going to ignore him, he was going to push some of his buttons to get his attention. “Kinda Marilyn Monroe isn’t it? What’s next, polka dots?”  
  
“Fuck off.” Jared said without a hint of anger. However, it at least got him to look up at his brother.  
  
“What?” Shannon said staring back at his brother after Jared didn’t say a word.  
  
“What are you doing here? I thought you were going to get something to eat before the show.” Jared giggled a little as Matt blew on his wet nails.  
  
“There are no vegetarian options and since you made me give up my meat, I go hungry.” Shannon walked back to his bunk to get his camera. He almost forgot why he came onto the bus in the first place: around the corner was the most amazing mural on a brick building.  
  
“I have food in the fridge.” Jared’s attention was on his nails as he heard his brother come back into the lounge area.  
  
“No time.” Shannon watched as Matt put away the nail polish. Matt didn’t know that his brother was crushing on him.  
  
“What did you find?” Jared saw the camera in his brother’s hand and wondered what had sparked his brother’s imagination.  
  
“A wall.” Shannon turned to leave and then thought better of it. “Hey Matt, why don’t you come with me?”  
  
Hearing that it really wasn’t a question, Matt followed Shannon out the door. Jared was busy getting his warm-up music ready. He normally didn't pay mind to anyone once he was in warm-up mode.  
  
Walking in silence, Matt began to worry that he did something to offend the older man.  
  
Finally coming to a stop, Shannon raised the camera to narrow in on his shot of the fish wall. “Be careful with him.”  
  
“Who?” Matt’s face affirmed that he had no idea that Jared wanted more from their relationship.  
  
After taking a couple of shots, Shannon lowered his camera and turned to face the confused man.  
  
“Jared. Be careful with Jared.”  
  
“Why? What is wrong with him?”  
  
“Nothing is wrong. Just listen to me.”  
  
“I don’t understand why I have to be careful with him. Care to give me a hint?” Matt dug around in his pockets for his cigarettes. They were mysteriously missing. He just bought a new pack last night.  
  
Shannon laughed as he watched Matt pat down his pockets. “Missing your cigarettes?”  
  
“Yeah, I just had them.” Matt checked one last time in his front pants pocket before giving up.  
  
Jared began to hide Shannon’s cigarettes when he decided that Shannon needed to give up his habit. Jared was grooming Matt to be his perfect boyfriend.  
  
“Be careful with him. He puts on an act that he doesn’t care what other people think of him but, in more ways than one, he is more vulnerable than most men his age.” Shannon motioned that it was time to go back. As Matt started on the path back, Shannon gave his final warning on the matter. “You hurt him and I won’t care how long you have been my friend.”  
  
Realizing what the other man was insinuating, the hairs on the back of Matt's neck stood up. He feared the day that Shannon would look at him in anger.  
  
That night, Shannon played off of Tomo and Jared as he was drumming, but Matt kept his distance. Matt was a little suspicious that Jared had been giving him extra attention, but wrote it off as Jared being Jared. However, if Shannon was noticing something going on with his brother, he was going to start paying more attention to Jared’s actions.  
  
When Jared twisted his nipple the next day during an interview, Matt pulled away and realized that he was in trouble. Jared was falling for him and Matt had no intentions of being with any man, least of all Jared Leto.  
  
 ****

 **Conquering Babylon  
  
** Jared felt Shannon reach around his mother’s back and rest his hand on his back. Shannon’s other hand was being held tight in their mother’s grip. Her other hand held Jared’s. Their hands pressed together was Jared’s only focus as he began his story.  
  
“He drove me around for hours before we stopped. The motel was small and I guess cheap enough for whatever money he had on him. He didn’t offer me any food so I decided to get some on my own. Once he passed out, I pushed a chair up to the door and unlocked it. It was dark out, but the lights from the office gave off enough light to make my way across the parking lot. I never made it to the office.”  
  
Jared stopped and looked up at Shannon. His brother looked on reassuringly and rubbed his back with his hand. Jared was dreading this part of the story. Closing his eyes, he started again.  
  
“A nice woman saw me outside and wondered why I was wandering outside alone at that hour. She had a sweet, Southern accent and dressed like Ms. Betsy from church. Once she found out that I was hungry, she offered to share her food with me, so I followed her back to her room.  
  
I told her about Shannon’s birthday party and grandma’s cake as I ate. In my excitement of telling her my story and finally eating something, I didn’t notice her leering at me. She didn’t like it when I protested her game. She didn’t like it when I said ‘no.’”  
  
Jared trailed off and opened his eyes to see new tears in his mother’s eyes. He wouldn’t be able to tell her more about that night. Not yet. She wasn’t ready to hear it and Jared didn’t know if he would ever be ready to share it all.  
  
“He found me the next morning and yelled at me because I was missing. He got angry that my pants were ripped so he hit me and then ignored me for the rest of the day. It went on like that until he found a job. He kept telling me that he needed money so we could leave and never look back.  
  
When he was at work, I stayed locked in the room. I pretended that I was at home. Sometimes I pretended I was hiding from Shannon. Sometimes when I was hungry, I would pretend that you were fixing something special for dinner and I only had to wait a couple of more minutes before I could eat it. Having anything before your cooking would only spoil my appetite so I could wait.  
  
He didn’t always remember to bring food home from whatever bar he stopped at that night.  
  
If I was lucky, I could picture Shannon in the room and I would play our games with him. If I was feeling especially lonely, I would lie on the bed and closed my eyes real hard so that I was at home lying in your arms and you were reading me a story.  
  
I started to get used to the routine of things and then one day he came home mad as hell. He was yelling about everything. He threw things around the room and a couple of times I got in his way. He stayed home after that day; only leaving once the stores were opened so he could buy more to drink.  
  
The last morning he woke up and was acting strange. I would sense that something was different about that day. Something was going to change for us.  
  
He came home with a bag and began yelling at me again. I was supposed to have cleaned up the mess while he was away, but I had no idea where to begin. Most things were too heavy for me to pick up and I didn’t know what to do with the little pieces of stuff that was scattered throughout the room.  
  
He made the call and then took the gun out of the bag. He pointed it at me and I was frozen. He said something about Jesus being able to save me but that he wasn’t going to be so lucky. I started crying and told him that I said ‘no’ to the lady. I don’t know if he even heard me, but something changed in his eyes.  
  
It took all my strength to get out from under his body. I ran to the corner of the room and tried to picture you or Shannon, but all I could see were his eyes staring at me.  
  
I guess my screams kept the motel worker out of the room because I hardly remember him. Someone touched my shoulder and I was praying so hard that it was you, Momma, but it was the lady from before staring at me. Or at least I thought it was. I fought with everything that I had to get away from her. I wasn’t going to let her touch me again.  
  
Then everything went black and I woke up in the hospital with everyone staring at me.  
  
I didn’t trust anything anymore.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conquering Babylon With The Heart Of A Lion lyric from "Do You Like The Way" by Santana featuring Lauren Hill and Cee-L


	41. Breathe...Repeat...Riot

**  
**Jared awoke to Shannon crawling into his bunk. He could feel the heat radiating off of his brother’s body even before Shannon pressed up against his back.  
  


“I don’t feel good.” Shannon said with a moan in his voice. He moved back slightly to let Jared turn around in the confided space.

Jared pressed his cheek against Shannon’s forehead and then gave him a kiss in the same spot. “You’re warm.”

Shannon moved his head into the space between Jared’s head and shoulder. Curling up his arms, he began to shiver. “No, I’m cold.”

Jared reached around blindly for his extra blanket; he sometimes got cold depending on what part of the country they were in. Making contact with the soft material, he draped it over the blanket already covering the brothers and tucked his arm around Shannon’s back. Holding him close, Jared felt Shannon’s shakes.

“Moue moue.”* Jared told his brother to sleep in the language they developed as kids.

“Eai ouena.” _**_ Shannon gave out one last sigh and then drifted off into sleep.

The brothers stayed wrapped up in one another until someone came on the bus and was making a bunch of noise in the front. Shannon slept through the noise, but not the loss of body heat as Jared unwrapped himself from their cocoon and moved slowly over his body.

After a couple of loud foot steps, Shannon heard Jared yelling at whatever poor soul decided to venture onto the bus. Shannon was pretty sure that Jared was threatening bodily damage to the gentleman’s nether regions if he didn’t leave and stay gone. After the door slammed shut, Shannon heard his brother moving stuff around in the front. The door was reopened and then slammed shut again. 

Jared quickly jumped back into the bunk and rewrapped Shannon back into the blankets and his arms. 

Shannon smirked as Jared mumbled ‘en nako pen.’***

On the bus door in big, black nail polish, a piece of paper was stuck with gum that read: FUCK OFF. 

 

Tomo was the first person that Andrew saw after getting kicked off of the bus. After sharing his story with Tomo, Andrew left to spread the word. No one was allowed on the 30 Seconds to Mars bus. 

_Stay away from Shannon today._ Tomo messaged Matt on his phone.   
  
_Ok. Why?_ Matt texted back. He gave Tomo a funny look once he sent it; he was standing three feet away from him.   
  
_He’s sick and Jared won’t let anyone near him_.  
  
 _Ok._ The room had too many people to talk openly. Matt was eating lunch with the drummer from Seether.   
  
“Nice talking with you, John. I’ll ask Shannon about that later. He should get back to you soon.” Matt slapped John on the back and left to throw away the remains of his lunch. Giving Tomo another look, he left the room and decided to wait outside for Tomo.   
  
“So what happened?” Matt asked as Tomo shut the heavy door that led to the parking lot of the venue. It was the band’s entrance so there were no fans to interpret their conversation.   
  
“I don’t know much, but don’t expect to get on the bus anytime soon. Someone tried earlier and Jared pretty much ran them off with his words.” With no where else to go, Tomo sat down against the building.   
  
Joining him on the ground, Matt decided that it was as good as time as any to ask Tomo’s opinion on his Jared situation. Since first realizing it over a month ago, Jared was still flirting with him, but he hadn't gone further than a couple of kisses on his cheek.   
  
“So I think that Jared likes me. In that 'more than a friend' kinda way that most men are not comfortable with.” Matt’s attention was on the roadies walking around. He didn’t want anyone to overhear his dilemma.   
  
“I figured as much. He always liked you best.” Tomo fidgeted around in his spot. He was anxious today and didn’t know why. “Well, after his mother, their grandma, and Shannon of course.”   
  
“I’m straight.”   
  
“I know.” Tomo laughed at Matt’s declaration. Tomo never questioned Matt heterosexuality; the man was lovesick over his girlfriend.   
  
“Then why does he want me?” Matt found that his cigarettes were missing again. Shannon finally told him that Jared was hiding them from him after Matt started getting suspicious. “I have Libby. I am happy with Libby.”   
  
“Don’t know what he sees in you personally.” Tomo handed over his cigarettes. “Here, I noticed that Jared took yours again. What does he do with them?”   
  
“Probably sells them to the crew. The little bastard even found the ones I was hiding.” Matt took Tomo’s lighter and lit his first cigarette in over 24 hours. Since Jared had been stealing his cigarettes, he found himself missing them less and less as he got use to not constantly having them around.   
  
“Nah, I think he just trashes them. We would have heard if he was selling them.”   
  
“So our Shanimal is sick?” Matt put out his cigarette after a couple of drags; they were beginning to lose their appeal. “He going be alright for tonight?”   
  
“I doubt he has got anything that is going to put him out. Jared just wants to baby him before he leaves him to become that Chapman guy.”   
  
“I can’t believe that Jared is going to gain all that weight. It is going to be a trip to see him like that.”   
  
“Man is crazy. You have got to love him for that.”   
  
“Just not that way.” Matt said firmly.   
  
“I know. You are straight.” Tomo chucked to himself. “He does kinda look like a girl sometimes though. You’re not even curious about what it would be like.”   
  
“I don’t need to kiss a man to know that I won’t like it. Just like I knew that I didn’t need to kiss a woman to know that I would like it.”   
  
“I tried it once. It wasn’t so bad.” Tomo picked up a rock lying on the ground and began to toss it from hand to hand.   
  
“You kissed Jared?!” Matt turned all of his attention to the guitarist. Then realizing how loud he had been, looked around to see who heard him. From what he could tell, his outburst went unnoticed.   
  
“No. Not Jared. Someone else.”   
  
“Who?”   
  
“You will never know.”   
  
“So I am forbidden to go essentially to my “home” in a nameless city and I can’t even get any gossip from you. Spill it.”   
  
“I was in high school and I was at a party. A guy was there that I never saw before and he came up to me and offered me weed. Sixteen-year-old guys don’t turn down free weed, so I followed him outside. We passed the joint until it was gone and then he leaned over and kissed me. I would have been more surprised if I wasn’t high, but lips are lips. And his were soft.”   
  
Matt looked on in disbelief. “You are totally making that shit up.”   
  
“Honest to God. He got me high, had his way with me, and then never called.” Tomo threw the rock and watched it skip across the cement. “It wasn’t so bad.”   
  
Matt was left staring off into space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Riot taken from Three Days Grace song of same name.
> 
> Brothers' language:
> 
> *Moue moue=sleep
> 
> **Eai ouena= yes brother
> 
> ***En nako pen= go away coconut


	42. Breathe...Repeat...Time For Mercy

_Why does everybody hurt?  
Every bitter sickening word breaks my heart   
Why can't anybody hear?   
When the thunder disappears and the sun breaks free_   
  
  
Constance sat in silence after her youngest son told her his truth. Many emotions were coursing through her body and she didn’t know what to tell her sons. She released her sons’ hands from her own and placed her hands on either side of Jared’s face. Drawing him near, she placed a kiss on his temple.   
  
  
_It's time for mercy  
It's time for mercy   
Mercy me _  
   
  
Sitting back, she decided to be as brave as her son and tell her own truth.   
  
“I met your father when I was very young. He was exciting and adventurous. He made me fall in love with him before he showed me his true colors. In the back of his truck, he forever changed my world by forcing himself on me. I was angry at him but mostly ashamed for letting myself be put in that position.”   
  
Turning her attention onto Shannon, she picked up his bruised hand and gently kissed the tops of his red knuckles.   
  
“That night was one of the worst and best nights of my life. I want you to never question that. Never. That night gave me a miracle through my suffering. That night gave me you.”   
  
She saw the confusion and hurt pass through Shannon’s eyes. Constance stopped him before he could say anything. With tears in her eyes, she grabbed her oldest son’s face and made him look at her.   
  
“Never question, Shannon. Never question the fact that I wanted you with all my heart. The fact that I was pregnant with you gave me strength to get passed that night. If not for the miracle growing inside of me, I would have gotten stuck in that despair and shame.”   
  
Releasing her son, she turned back to look at both of her sons.   
  
“I married your father because that was the right thing to do. In many ways, I gave up who I was to be his wife. To this day, I will never regret marrying him because through him, I have my sons. I never knew that motherhood was something that I was longing for until it found me. The thing that I do regret is waiting so long to stand on my own two feet once you both were old enough to suffer his frustration at himself.”   
  
  
_Every color every shade  
Everyone an angel made from the breathe of god   
I'm your mother I'm your son   
I am not the other one that you love to hate _  
  
  
“Your father is buried in Louisiana in a family plot. Once the hospital took his body, his parents took care of all the arraignments. His funeral was small and closed to only family. My mother went to his funeral before we left for Alaska. She knows were he is buried. If you want to go there, I will get the information for you.”   
  
  
_It's time for mercy  
It's time for mercy   
Pretty please..._   
  
  
“I have closed his chapter in my life. I can’t go with you to the grave site. Please understand that.”   
  
  
_When the fires all burn down  
When they open up the ground and put you in   
I'll lay flowers on your grave   
It's a little too late for sorry now _  
  
  
“I have the bravest sons in the world. Thank you for telling me, Jared. I want you both to always remember my love for you. That is something that defines who I am as a human being and gives me great joy in life. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough for you before. I’m sorry that I let him hurt you and leave such scars. It will be one thing that I will never be able to forgive myself for.”   
  
_It's time for mercy_  
It's time for mercy   
It's time for mercy   
Mercy me 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Time for Mercy" by the wonderful Jann Arden


	43. Breathe...Repeat....Nemesis and Flame That Burns On Blood

**Nemesis**

**  
**There are not very many people in this world that Shannon could state without a doubt that he despised. His family always taught him to see the good in people and forgive their flaws, but some flaws Shannon would never be able to ignore.  
  
Dina Lohan was someone that he could say he hated without feeling any guilt. Dina was every thing that his mother was not: she was controlling, manipulative, and worst of all, in it for herself.   
  
Jared and Lindsay Lohan shared the same manager and it was one of the reasons that Lindsay had a small part in “Chapter 27”. The Leto brothers knew Lindsay through Brent; but then again, the brothers knew a lot of people through Brent. When the idea was suggested that she be in the movie, everyone thought that it would be a good thing. Dina Lohan, however, saw it as a publicity dream.   
  
Dina Lohan knew what got press and she knew how to get it for her daughter. In the past, she had coached Lindsay to give out false information about people that she may have dated or been spotted with. A couple of times, Lindsay even went all out and wore a ring during an event.   
  
Right before Lindsay was offered a part in the movie, Dina got information that her daughter was getting a little too cozy with some of her female friends. While Dina knew how to get press for her daughter, she also knew that a lesbian affair would give her daughter all the wrong attention. She was willing to ignore the drug use and, hell, she went to some of the wild parties with her daughter, but she was not going to be the mother of a gay actress.   
  
Then Dina met Jared and decided that he would be Lindsay’s next mark.   
  
Before Jared fully dedicated himself to the role of Chapman, he met with Lindsay and he saw through her façade. He saw a little bit of himself in her and he wanted to help her. Drugs were the way that Lindsay was masking her pain and Jared knew all about hiding from yourself and your demons. For a short period of time, Lindsay changed her ways and saw a better path for herself. She may have even developed a crush on her co-star, but it was only one of admiration. And her mother took every advantage of Jared’s friendship with her daughter and spun it so that the press thought they were dating. Shannon saw her ruin the best friendship her daughter could have had at that moment and drag his brother down with her. Jared, never the one to comment on his personal life, ignored the rumors and finished out the band’s tour.   
  
Jared went on his Chapman adventure alone. In order to tap into the character and do his role justice, he was not going to be able to rely on his brother and the rest of his family. As the band went off to spend time with family and friends, Jared went to Hawaii to trace the steps of a mad man. Arriving in New York to begin shooting, he was unrecognizable as his former self.   
  
On set, he stayed true to his method and stayed in character. Not socializing with the rest of the cast and crew, or even his family. However, the Lindsay rumors continued and by the time filming was through, Jared was physically and emotionally exhausted and Lindsay was back to her old ways: hiding behind her drugs and wild behavior.   
  
Dina Lohan continued the parade of rumors and continued to ignore her daughter’s cry for help. Jared decided that Lindsay had to choose her own path in life. He tried to show her a new way, but she resisted and would need to come to terms with her demons in her own time.   
  
Shannon had seen the toll past characters had left on his brother. In the past, most of the remains of the movie were emotional. This time however, the physical effect on his brother’s body could not be ignored. Jared went on his cleaning fast and Shannon sat by as Jared starved himself for a week. Shannon tried to give Jared time to come back to him on his own, but also stayed close in case Jared needed him.   
  
When Matt cut his finger, it was a blessing in disguise for Jared. He needed more time before he started to tour again. Chapman was still in his head, and his body was still trying to recover from the abuse that he put it through.   
  
Touring began and Jared continued to lose weight. His doctors continued to monitor his liver and his cholesterol. The doctors also paid special attention to his heart. During Requiem his fasting had affected it and now it was showing signs of wear again.   
  
Two weeks into the tour, Jared crawled into Shannon’s bunk and Shannon knew that his brother had finally come back to him.   
  
The day before their next video shoot, Shannon learned the full affect of his brother’s weight loss.   
**  
**

**Flame That Burns On Blood  
  
** Shannon called Tomo and told him about the unexpected trip before leaving for Europe. Tomo and Tim were to go on their own and the brothers would meet up with them later.   
  
After hanging up the phone, Shannon called the airport to get the first flight to Louisiana that night. Jared had decided that he wanted to go straight away, so they wouldn’t have to rush to get to Europe on time. Shannon also booked a flight for his mother back to Texas. It worked out so that the family would take the same flight to Dallas, Texas, and then the boys would get on the connecting flight to Shreveport, Louisiana. Their flight would leave at 7:15 pm and the connecting flight would touch down in Louisiana at 1:20 am. A car and hotel room was arranged through the airport.   
  
Walking into his brother’s room, he heard Jared on the phone. From the sound of his voice and the content of the conversation, he could tell that Jared was talking with his acting manager and that he was not happy with Jared’s recent cell phone blackout.   
  
“My quote for the magazines is as follows: ‘I will fucking start talking about my personal life when every motherfucking journalist in the country starts to publish reports about their own drunken one-night stands, failed marriages, drug habits, and most embarrassing moments.’ And I want that printed word-for-word. No fucking ‘no comment’ or ‘my client denies such rumors.’”   
  
Jared was multitasking by packing for the trip and the tour while talking with the man. “No. When have I ever talked about Cameron with the press? I am not going to start now. You have my quote. Now any calls before the 20th will be ignored, so don’t bother to call me. Anyone who wants a quote, for whatever reason, gets the one that I gave you. Goodbye, Jason.”   
  
Turning around to face his brother who was still standing in the doorway Jared said, “I don’t know what to do with them. A part of me wants to burn them and watch the fuckers crumble up into ash and another part of me wants to hang them in every room of the house.”   
  
Jared didn’t say what he was talking about, but Shannon could tell he was indicating that he didn’t know what to do with his artwork from three days ago. The drawings were hidden in a red artist portfolio and lying on Jared’s bed next to his suitcase. The police report was on top of the red bag.   
  
“You don’t have to decide that right now. Give yourself some time to work it through. You can always destroy them later.”   
  
“When do we leave?” Jared went back to packing his bag. The suitcase was full and he was trying to zip it up. When the zipper wouldn’t move, he started to pull on it harder and harder. Before he destroyed the suitcase, Shannon’s hand covered his own and stopped his movement. Jared’s body was shaking in his attempt to hold back his tears.   
  
“We don’t have to do this. This can wait, too.” Shannon wrapped his other arm around his brother’s waist from behind and pulled him back against his own body. Jared’s tremors resided as his body made contact with the strong presence of his brother.   
  
“It can’t. I have already let this run my life for over thirty years.” Jared relaxed into his brother’s arms and Shannon used both of their hands to zip up the suitcase. “We need this now.”   
  
Shannon dropped Jared’s hand as Constance came into the room. The arm around his brother’s waist moved to rest on the small of Jared’s back as both brothers gave their attention to their mother.   
  
“I wrote down the directions to the cemetery. He is buried in Oakland Cemetery by US 20.” Constance came further into the room and handed Shannon a piece of paper that read: 1000 Milam St, Shreveport, LA.   
  
“That’s close to the hotel we are staying at. We’ll have all day before we need to leave.” Shannon said looking at the address. His hand stayed on his brother’s back.   
  
“You are to call me the moment you land. I also want you to call me before you leave. And also when you get to Europe.” Constance face still held a worried look. “I’ll glad that you have each other.”   
  
“We’ll call you every step of the way if you want,” Jared said with a sad smile.   
  
The rest of the day was spent packing and readying the house for being unoccupied for the next couple of months. Once everything was unplugged and the car was packed, the family was on their way to LAX.   
  
The flight to Texas was silent. All three sat together with Jared in the middle. He held both his brother’s and his mother’s hand for most of the way.   
  
In Dallas, Constance gave each of her sons a long hug and repeated her love to them. Jared told her three times that they would call and gave her another hug before she left to drive the rest of the way home. Shannon and Jared only had 15 minutes between their flights and then an hour and a half on the plane before they were back home in Louisiana.


	44. Breathe...Repeat...I Don't Need to Be Forgiven and Father As a Mirror To See Yourself

**I Don't Need To Be Forgiven**  
  
The last three shows had been hard on Matt, in more ways than one. He was still dealing with the fact that Jared was expressing interest in him, and he was missing his girlfriend at the same time. He didn’t realize how much he was away from her until they took their vacation from touring. He started to get used to the idea of waking up with a warm body next to his own. Consequentially, he had a hard-on that would not go away.   
  
When his own hand was not having the desired effect any longer, he called Libby and talked her into talking him through it. The only problem was that Libby was not comfortable talking to him like that over the phone. She tried to be dirty, but it came out sounding like a bashful nun. The phone call ended with him having even more of a problem then before he called her.   
  
Jared had been lost in his own world the first couple of weeks back from touring. He was dealing with his health issues that came from the weight gain and now loss. In the beginning, he was even staying away from his brother. Matt knew that it was only a matter of time before Jared started flirting with him again. And he was finally admitting to himself that he was curious as to what Jared wanted from him.   
  
Backstage at the Toledo concert, Jared walked into their dressing room to find Matt with his forehead against the cement wall. Everyone had noticed Matt’s problem the last couple of days. Jared, much with everything he did in life, was waiting for the right moment to make his move. Walking into the deserted dressing room after their show, he found the perfect opportunity to help out his friend.   
  
“You all right there, Mattie?” Jared asked already knowing the answer to the question.   
  
“No. The cold shower didn’t work and the cold wall isn’t helping either.” Matt’s voice held all of the tension from the last three days.   
  
“Want some help with that?” Jared asked in the most innocent of voices. Without waiting for an answer, he walked across the room to stand behind his band mate. Reaching out his hand to run down the panting man’s back, Jared's tone changed to seductive. “I know what you need.”   
  
“Jared, no.” Matt didn’t turn around for fear that his face would show that he wasn’t completely sure about his answer. Instead, he pressed his hands harder against the wall and tried not to think about his erection pressing against his pants.   
  
“It happens to all of us. Let me help.” Jared took the final step and pressed his body against the taller man. “Close your eyes and listen to my voice.”   
  
Matt knew that it was a bad idea, but his body wasn’t going to let him protest Jared’s advantages. Unlike Libby, Jared had the perfect voice to talk him through. His fingers curled against the wall.   
  
“Imagine her behind you. Her soft tits pressing into your back with every breath she takes.” Jared paused to let Matt’s imagination take over.   
  
“She moves her hands around your waist. She wants you so bad she can’t wait any longer.” Jared’s hands moved around Matt’s waist and he pressed his face against Matt’s back.   
  
As Jared’s hands unbelted and unzipped Matt’s pants, he continued to voice his actions in his soft and soothing voice. “Finally removing the only thing keeping your hard cock from her hand, she eagerly pushes her soft hand down to wrap around your hard length. Her breath hitches in anticipation.”   
  
Jared wrapped his hand around Matt’s erection and began moving it up and down. Slowly at first until he heard Matt voice his pleasure at the action and then in an increasing motion. “She wants your hard cock inside of her. She wants to feel you sink into her wet…”   
  
Matt moaned out as Jared gently squeezed the tip of his erection. The sound encouraged Jared to move his other hand down to firmly grab a hold of Matt’s balls. Increasing the friction on Matt’s erection and rubbing the hard knobs together, Jared finished his sentence.   
  
“…pussy. ‘Harder.’ She moans and calls out your name. 'Fuck me Matt!'”   
  
“Stop talking,” Matt moaned out between his words. He was no longer picturing Libby in his mind. All of his attention was on Jared’s voice and his expert hands working to alleviate him from three days of no release.   
  
Only thoughts of Jared’s heat on his back and the scent of Jared’s shampoo was on his mind. Opening his eyes, he saw Jared’s hands working his hardened flesh and he pushed his body into Jared’s hands. As his body moved back, he felt Jared’s own erection pressing into his ass and all thoughts left his head as he gasped out his release.   
  
Jared kept his hands moving against the bassist as he felt the younger man’s body relax and loose all of its tension. Jared stopped the movement once Matt’s breathing was under control again.   
  
In a swift motion, Matt turned around and slammed Jared back against the wall. Standing with his pants undone in front of the shocked man, Matt paused before releasing his grip on the older man’s shirt and attacking his lips.   
  
Once the shock wore off, Jared wrapped his hands around Matt’s back and drew him closer as he sucked Matt’s tongue into his mouth.   
  
“Jared, they are wai…” Shannon walked into the closed room and stopped at the sight before him. “Waiting.”   
  
Matt still panting, quickly moved away from Jared and put himself back inside his pants. The task was not easy considering he was half-hard again. Once his belt was buckled again, he ran his shaking hands through his short hair and turned to walk out of the room. He pushed Shannon aside but didn’t make eye-contact as he fled from the room.   
  
Jared, confused by the kiss and his brother’s sudden appearance, was left to face his older brother alone.   
  
“I think that I warned the wrong person,” Shannon said taking in the sight of his brother standing against the wall. The shirt Jared had put on after his shower was wrinkled and his black hair was hanging in his eyes.   
  
“What are you talking about?” Jared moved to sit down on the chair furthest away from Shannon. Moving the hair off of his face, he stared back at his brother daring him to continue.   
  
“I told Matt not to hurt you. But now I think I should have told you.” The disappointment was clear in Shannon’s voice.   
  
“I don’t need you mediating my love life.” The shocked had worn off and now Jared was in defensive mode.   
  
“What love life?” Shannon’s voice rose to echo off the cement walls. “When was the last time you were with someone?”   
  
“You know the answer to that.”   
  
“Yes, I know the answer to that. I also know that you don’t know how to do relationships, not healthy ones anyway. What did you name your new guitar again?”   
  
“I know what I am doing.”   
  
“No, you don’t.” Shannon turned to go back to the fans, but left his brother with something to think about. “If you want to be with him that is okay. But do it the right way.”   
  
The next day as the bus drove through early morning Chicago traffic, Jared woke up calling Shannon’s name.   
  
Shannon, asleep in the bunk right across from his brother, turned away from the wall and looked into his brother’s bunk. Jared’s eyes stared back at him in pain.   
  
Jumping out onto the floor of the moving bus, Shannon asked him what was wrong.   
  
“Jesus, my whole leg hurts. I can feel the pain radiating through my body.” Jared looked up at his brother and their argument from before was forgotten.   
  
“Tomo, go tell Mark that we are going to the hospital first. My brother needs to see a doctor.” Shannon instructed the blurry eyed guitarist as he stroked Jared’s hair.   
  
Once the doctor saw Jared, he immediately started to chastise him for the methods he was taking to lose the extra weight from the movie. He also had some words to say about the way he gained the weight in the first place.   
  
As the doctor was basically telling Jared that he was an idiot, Shannon's temper got the best of him and he stood up to stand between his brother and the old man.   
  
“We fucking didn’t come here to get lectured from someone who has as much passion for their job as a road-killer collector. Tell me what the fuck is going on with my brother and how you are going to make it stop!” Shannon took a step closer to the doctor and got joy from the fact that the white-haired man clenched his clipboard and took two steps backward. “Or you better get someone who can.”   
  
Jared left the hospital with the diagnosis of gout and the instructions to change his weight loss methods. He was also instructed to take it easy for a couple of weeks, but the only time they would have to film their video would be the next couple of days and rest was not an option.   
  
So instead of taking his doctor’s advice, Jared learned to work through his pain and made his directorial debut under the pseudonym of a fictional character with many hats.  
  
****

**Father As A Mirror To See Yourself  
  
** _April 17, 2007_  
 **  
**The brothers got to their hotel at 1:45 am. The plane ride had been spent in quiet reflection. Even if they wanted to talk, there were too many people around them to have an honest conversation.  
  
The airport attendant working the car rental booth was reading a Star magazine with Jared and Cameron’s picture on the cover. The two separate pictures were Photoshopped to make them look like they were taken at the same event. Blushing as she looked up, she gave Shannon the hybrid SUV at the economy cost and shyly asked for Jared’s autograph.   
  
The hotel worker, an older gentleman with a crisp suit, gave the brothers an apologetic speech when he saw that the room only had one bed. Once Shannon explained that was how they booked the room, the apologetic look turned to one of disgust.   
  
Walking away once they got their key, Jared turned back and gave the man a wink. “Better have the maid change the sheets in the morning.”   
  
Shannon laughed as the man quickly turned away and went into the room behind the desk. As the elevator door closed, Shannon asked his brother if he wanted to be on the cover of The Enquirer next.   
  
Changing into clothes to sleep in, Jared came across the police report. He brought it with him to the queen-size bed.   
  
Shannon joined him on the bed and sat with his back pressed against the headboard. Jared moved so that he was sitting between Shannon’s open legs and leaned back into his brother’s chest as he opened the file for both of them to look at. Neither brother thought that they would get much sleep that night.   
  
“They condensed everything that happened to me into a three page report with pictures.”   
  
“He was only 29 years old. I knew that he was young, but I didn’t think that he would be that young.”   
  
“I look like him.”   
  
“But you are not him. You lead a different life. You have had different experiences.” Shannon arms tightened around his brother’s chest. “You are confronting your past, not hiding behind a young wife and small children.”   
  
“I hit her once.” Jared turned the pages to the photos. The red blood stood out from the white sheets of the bed. “Something inside of me snapped when she told me we lost the baby, and the next thing I knew the room was a mess and she was staring up at me from the floor. The look of shame in her eyes was the same that I remembered from Ma’s.”   
  
“I was wondering why you were so calm when you told me the news. It was probably a reaction to how you reacted with her. Everyone loses themselves in moments of intense emotion. And the difference between you and him was that you knew what you did was wrong and never let it happen again.”   
  
“Do you think we have other traits from him? I mean, what if we do things the same way he did them? We have a whole family that we never met. Do you think they know about us? Ma changed our last name, but you would think that they would have seen our faces somewhere.”   
  
“They may have. I would think that they are ashamed of what he did and don't want to remind us of him. Do you want to meet them?”   
  
“Maybe someday. Maybe next trip.” Jared closed the file and threw it onto the floor. He was sick of trying to find answers through the pages.   
  
The brothers sat in silence taking in their room. Jared laced his fingers with his brother’s and finally asked the question hanging in the air.   
  
“What do you think of what Ma told us? About what he did to her.”   
  
“I think that he is even less of a man than I thought he was.”   
  
Jared could tell that Shannon wasn’t ready to talk about their mother’s rape and the consequences from that night so he let the subject drop for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I Don't Need..." lyric from "Baba O'Riley" by The Who


	45. Breathe...Repeat...Challenging and Inspiring

**Challenging**   
  
The video for “The Kill” was almost done being edited; however, Jared was using it as a distraction from the fact that they were in California. Being in the state meant that they were close enough for Libby to come and join them. She had arrived in Anaheim and Matt had been spending all his free time with her.   
  
Jared and Matt never talked about the incident that happened almost a month ago. Matt was pretty much telling himself that it didn’t happen and thus avoiding both Jared and Shannon. Tomo, trying to avoid any type of drama, was taking to his stash more and more.   
  
In Cabazon, California, the problem could no longer be ignored. Matt sat the group down and while holding Libby’s hand, he announced their engagement to the band. Libby, in her excitement, went on to tell the band that their church was free in August and they had eagerly booked the date.   
  
“We are on tour during August.” Jared broke the silence in the room. Everyone was sitting waiting for his reaction.   
  
“I know, but it was the only time available until next year and we don’t want to wait that long.” Matt was choosing his words carefully and tightening his grip on his new fiancée. “We can get someone to fill in for me.”   
  
“Do whatever the fuck you want. Libby, best wishes with your wedding.” Jared's voice cracked as he stood up and walked off of the bus.   
  
Shannon congratulated the happy couple and left to go after his brother. Shannon kept a few paces behind his brother, content to follow him wherever he went. The venue they were playing at was a casino, but it was still too early to have that many people around.   
  
Jared finally came to a stop behind the building. Keeping his back turned to his brother, he said, “It is a good thing right? This way I won’t fuck him up too.”   
  
“Jared that was not what I meant earlier.” Shannon placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder and turned him around to face him. “You were not being fair to Libby when you were messing around behind her back. You were not being fair to Matt. or yourself either. I wanted you to talk with him and tell him what you were feeling, so that he could make his own decision in the matter. Not one that you forced on him.”   
  
“I can’t do that.” Jared wrapped his arms around his brother and buried his head onto Shannon’s shoulder.   
  
Having his brother so close to him, Shannon noticed that he was warmer than normal.   
  
“You feel alright?” Shannon asked rubbing his brother’s back.   
  
“No. Matt is getting married and Tomo is yours.” Jared tried to make light of the situation and act like he didn’t know what Shannon was really asking. He had started his editing session last night with a tickle in his throat and had woken up from his two hours of sleep with a sore throat.   
  
“No, do you feel alright? You are warm.” Pulling his brother back to look at him, Shannon noticed that Jared’s eyes were glassy. “You’re sick.”   
  
“A little bit, but the video was almost done and I want to get it out there. If I told you, you wouldn’t have let me stay up to finish it.”   
  
“Well you are right about that.” Keeping one arm around his brother’s shoulders, Shannon guided him back to where their bus was. “You can be a big boy and play nice with her while I make you some soup.”   
  
Jared’s cold persisted and by the next night he felt horrible, but he didn’t want to cancel any shows so close to the premier of the video, so the show went on. Being on stage was always an adrenaline rush for him and the show was going great until he decided to do his normal tour of the audience.   
  
Trying to jump back on the stage during “Buddha for Mary,” the security guard pushed him away. What happened next was a blur of movement and then three people were attempting to pull his brother away from the muscular man lying on the floor. Jared finally realized what was happening and moved so that he would have been in Shannon’s way if he took another swing.   
  
Feeling his brother so close to him, Shannon let the men drag him away. He shouted one last obscenity at the man before shaking off the others’ hands and jumping back on the stage. Jared followed him close behind as Shannon continued walking until he was leaning against the side stage.   
  
Jared moved so that he was right in front of him and then grabbed his bleeding hand. Shannon, still panting from attacking the man, let Jared guide him to where the towels were and watched as Jared gently wiped the blood away.   
  
“I’m okay.” Jared said once his task was complete. “Let’s finish the show.”   
  
Shannon went back with his brother, but his mood did not change until the show was over and Jared was in his arms as the bus left to go to the next venue.   
  
Jared’s cold turned out to be strep throat and Shannon held his baby brother as he called in the television show to premier their video. The show the night before had been canceled and Shannon was making sure that Jared spent that time in bed resting. Shannon almost didn’t let Jared make the call because it was so painful to listen to him speak, but Jared had promised that he would remain silent for the rest of the day once he was done with the short call. True to his word, Jared hung up the phone and turned so that his head was resting on his brother’s chest and slept the rest of the day. Shannon spent the day watching his brother sleep.   
  
A couple of days later, a still sick Jared would tell the world that Shannon wasn’t really his brother, but his live-in lover. The statement was meant to get the annoying interviewer off his back, but his words held more truth than lies.   
  
****

**Inspiring**  
  
Shannon woke up with Jared asleep on his chest. They had finally fallen asleep sometime after five am and by looking at the clock Shannon saw it was quarter to ten. The cemetery was only a five minute drive away from the hotel, but Shannon wanted to make sure they would have all the time they needed before leaving for Europe that night.   
  
“Jared,” Shannon whispered into his brother’s ear. “It’s morning.”   
  
“Moue moue*, ‘Non.” Jared squeezed his arms tighter around Shannon’s stomach and rubbed his head on his chest.   
  
“Tekate rac**, Jer.” Shannon tried to remove Jared's hands from around him and made to get out of the bed. Jared wouldn’t stay asleep if Shannon didn’t stay in bed with him. “Seriously, Jared, I have to go to the bathroom and you squeezing me is not helping.”   
  
“Fine.” Jared released his brother and opened his eyes. “Good morning.”   
  
“Good morning.” Shannon ran off to the bathroom and the brothers started their day.   
  
Bringing their bags with them down to the lobby, Jared spotted the older gentlemen from the night before. The man saw the brothers getting out of the elevator and gave them a look before once again leaving the desk to go into the room behind the counter, leaving the young man to help the brothers check out.   
  
“Good morning, gentlemen. I hope your stay with us was a pleasant one. Can I have your room key?” The blond haired teenager must have been barely eighteen-years-old. His greeting sounded like it was grounded into him and lacked sincerity.   
  
Shannon handed over the key and signed the paperwork. Jared stayed leaning against him the entire time.   
  
“Is there anything we could better assist you with during a future stay at the Hilton?” Again the smile on the kid’s face was forced.   
  
“Is it a common practice to ask to be invited into customer’s rooms? Because last night there was an older guy that helped us check-in and the whole time he was flirting with my brother. He even went as far as to wink at him while offering to turn down the sheets. I am an open-minded kinda guy, so if he wanted to fuck my brother whatever, but I thought that it was highly unprofessional of him to make such comments while helping a customer. I think that you should talk to the manager about his behavior. I know who owns this chain of hotels and I know the standards employees are to keep.” Jared’s southern accent was put on thick while talking about the man from the night before. “Better yet, why don’t you tell me his name and I’ll call Richard myself.”   
  
“Ahh. Sir, it is not our policy to give out names of employees. I can give you a number to call if you want to voice a complaint.” The clerk didn’t know how to respond. William, the older man that ran into the room at the sight of the brothers, had been a pain in the ass for him since he began working at the hotel. “Here is the number to call.”   
  
As the brothers walked away, Shannon saw that the business card had the name William Johnson written on it with an arrow pointing at his name.   
  
“You really need to stop messing with people like that. One day you are going to meet your match and I am going to laugh.” Shannon threw their luggage into the trunk as he teased his brother.   
  
Leaning in close, Jared whispered into Shannon’s ear. “I already met my match.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titles stolen from Jared's description of what it is like to be in a band with his brother.
> 
> *Moue moue=Sleep  
> **Tekate rac= Get up


	46. Breathe...Repeat... There You Were and Comfortably Numb

**There You Were  
  
** “Your brother has an oral fixation.” Matt exclaimed as he moved to sit down on the interview couch next to Shannon. As Shannon turned his attention to the frustrated man, his tongue came out to swipe his bottom lip. “Forget it. Look who I’m talking to.”   
  
The room was empty except for the two men. The camera crew had already set the room up and all that was left was for all the band members to find their way there and the interviewer to come back from her phone call.   
  
“Finally ready to admit what happened between you two?” Now that Matt had a fiancée to hide behind, he was no longer avoiding the brothers. Shannon was waiting for the moment that Matt finally cracked and would open up about what Shannon found his brother and him engaging in a couple of months back.   
  
“I guess. It’s not really healthy to ignore that it did happen.” Matt was picking at a string on his jeans as he continued. “I told Libby that I kissed Jared once, but that it was just fooling around. She has seen Jared be touchy with me before, so she believed it. I don’t know if I will ever tell her about what else happened. Makes me feel guilty though; that I am going into a marriage with a secret.”   
  
“What do you tell yourself? Was it just fooling around or was it more?” Shannon was curious to Matt’s answer. In all other ways, Matt was a straight man and it shocked him a little to see Matt give in to Jared’s ways. When he warned him earlier, it was because he thought that Matt would turn him down right away and not be very open-minded in doing so.   
  
“I am not going to lie. I was curious as to what it would be like. I never had an experience like that before and your brother…he can be very…”   
  
“Persuading?”   
  
“Let’s just put it this way: he is an attractive person. And not just looks wise. He makes me think and question things. This band has changed my life.” Matt stopped picking at his jeans and glanced at the older man. “He found me when my guard was weak and offered to help. Libby doesn’t know how to do it over the phone, but your brother could start his own hotline.”   
  
“Don’t tell him that. He has enough on his plate as it is.” Shannon looked around the room to make sure no one was going to make a surprise appearance. The other two would be there any minute. “You liked it, didn’t you? That it was him. He made you cum, not just his words.”   
  
Matt paused before answering. As he started to tell the truth, Jared bounced into the room and practically sat on Shannon’s lap. Tomo followed close behind and took a spot next to Jared. However, Matt was able to say ‘yes’ before he was interpreted.   
  
From his spot on his brother, Jared leaned in and whispered something into Shannon’s ear. Shannon laughed as he playfully pushed his brother back onto the couch cushion. “Give me some space. You may have lost the weight, but now I have to deal with your boney ass.”   
  
Ignoring his brother, Jared leaned over him and asked Matt with a huge smile on his face, “Yes, what?”   
  
Shannon once again pushed his brother back into his spot. “Did you have caffeine? Because I’m pretty sure I put that on your ‘do not give list.’ Tomo? You sneaking my brother contraband?”   
  
“I swear to God, he woke up like this. I like it.” Tomo laughed as Jared gave his brother a funny look and then turned so his back was to Shannon.   
  
“Tomo is my only friend in this world.” Jared reached out and took both of Tomo’s hands into his own. “Tomo, we can be hippies together. You bring the pot and I’ll bring the love.”   
  
“Sorry about the wait guys. I think that we are ready to go if you are.” The interviewer walked into the room and was followed by the rest of her crew.   
  
At her voice, Jared turned back around and stage whispered to the three other men around him, “The interviewer. Everyone act serious now.”   
  
As the interview began, the first question she posed of the group was where did they come up with their creative name. Jared began his old answer about the mysterious book, but added on that now he found it on a “free love” retreat that the band took in their beginning years. Tomo tried to hide his laughter, as the interviewer looked on in confusion.   
  
The playful mood carried on to their concert that night. Everyone was playing off on another and the crowd was extra loud. As Jared walked out into the crowd during “Buddha for Mary,” it was like man walking on a sea of hands. He was able to move until he was halfway out into the crowd with his Echelon holding him up the whole way. Everyone would later describe the sight as magical. Therefore, it was extra frightening to watch what happened moments later.   
  
As he sang out “I don’t believe in God,” Jared leaned down to let the security guards help him back onto the stage. The security guards did not catch him.   
  
The band kept on playing, it was a natural pause in the song and everyone was wrapped up in their own instruments. Only the crowd and Andre saw Jared fall head first onto the cement ground.   
  
In a daze and adrenaline rush, Jared forcefully pushed away the man who failed to help him and shouted into the main guy’s face as he moved to get back on stage. As Jared circled around to where his brother was, Shannon saw that something had happened. As Jared shouted off the cameras and security guards on the front, Shannon thought that it was a repeat of what happened in Venura and stood to watch while still playing.   
  
Once Jared came back, they finished the song and Jared walked off stage. As Shannon walked up behind his brother, he heard him shouting at the head of the security team about the men in the front and how they failed to do their job. Once he heard that Jared fell, Shannon could feel the rage coursing through his body and he started to back away to find the men responsible. Or anyone who got in his way.   
  
Jared saw the sets of eyes switched attention to his brother behind him and he knew that Shannon had heard. Fearing what Shannon would do, he called out, “Akea ouena! No nokou mei!*”   
  
The brothers never used their language around other people and hearing Jared call out to him stopped Shannon. Pulling him away to a private area, he looked his brother over quickly and asked if he was okay. Jared shook his head up and down and winced at the movement. 'I'm okay to finish.".   
  
The show continued and later Jared was outside joking off the fall. Shannon, still upset about what happened, was quiet yet accommodating with the fans.   
  
Andre had captured the moment on film and Shannon had insisted that they watch it. Jared didn't know if it was a good idea, but sat between Shannon's legs as the tape rolled. Shannon wouldn't do anything crazy if Jared stayed close to him. Jared's head had begun to throb after the fall and, lying in his brother's arms, it was beginning to worsen.   
  
The brothers once again spent the night in the same bunk. This time holding on to one another and reassuring the other that they were still there.   
**  
**

**Comfortably Numb  
  
** “I want to eat first. We should eat.” Jared sat in their rented car rubbing his thighs up and down. The brothers hadn’t moved from the parking lot of the hotel yet. Shannon had called their mother and talked with her. Since the boys got in so late last night, their call had been short and she wanted to know how the boys were.   
  
“We can eat. What do you want?” Shannon was hungry as well, but wanted to play the day by what Jared needed. If Jared wanted to go to the cemetery first, that is where they would go.   
  
“Let’s just drive around and look. There must be something around that we can eat.”   
  
The brother drove over the river and found a Subway. Shannon left Jared in the car to get their food. The brothers shared the sandwich and cookies in silence. Now that they were here, neither knew what to do.   
  
Once again starting their car, Shannon followed the directions to the cemetery. Shannon drove with one hand and held onto Jared’s hand with the other. Jared kept his eyes on their surroundings. It had been many years since the brother had been to Bossier City. Nothing looked familiar.   
  
Heading south, Jared squeezed Shannon’s hand. “Flowers. We need flowers.”   
  
“Flowers?” Shannon took his eyes off the road for a second to look at his brother. Jared was still looking out his window. “Okay. Then we get flowers.”   
  
Driving a couple of more minutes, the Jared saw a sign for Berry Patch Floral. The sign was older and Jared had a feeling that he would find what he was looking for in the shop.   
  
“There.” Jared used their conjoined hands to point out the flower shop. “Pull in there.”   
  
As Shannon shut off the car, Jared gave Shannon’s hand one last squeeze and left to go inside. The shop was small and had only an older gentleman working.   
  
“Good afternoon. Lookin’ for something special?” The older man was arranging flowers behind the desk.   
  
“Have you ever heard of black roses?” Jared walked up to the counter and placed his hands on the desk.   
  
“Sorry, they don’t exist. Pure myth.” The white-haired man turned around with a smile. Seeing his customer, he stopped and took a good look. “You’re not from around here are ya?”   
  
“Born here. Haven’t been back in a while.” Jared wondered why the man was looking so intently at him. He was used to people staring when they thought they recognized him, but there was something different in the man’s eyes that he had never seen before with people that recognized him from films or even the band. “Visiting someone from my past.”   
  
“The past has a way of catching up with you every now and again.” The old man gave Jared one more look over before he shook his head to clear his thoughts. “I have something that might interest you. While not the black rose, it is the dark red rose that the myth is based off of.”   
  
The flower worker motioned for Jared to follow him to the back of the shop. “I don’t get too many people asking for these. I take it that you know the myth.”   
  
“The black rose typically means death, but it can also signify the end of a long journey.” Jared waited as the man opened the door to the back. Walking into the greenhouse, the humidity hit Jared in the face.   
  
“A farewell of sorts.” The man stopped near the deep red roses and used his hand to smell one. “Not too many people know that one.”   
  
“My family is weird like that, I guess.” Jared gave the man a slight smile as he studied the roses. These would be perfect. “Can I have three of them?”   
  
“Three is an odd number for roses.” The man began to cut the stems as he tried to gather more information from the younger man. “Any reason for three?”   
  
“Three people need to say farewell.” Jared felt comfortable sharing this information with the stranger. Normally he liked to stay reserved around people that he didn’t know, but there was a kinship with the man.   
  
Walking back to the front, Jared asked whose name was on the sign along the road.   
  
“That’s my name. Barry Bryant. Owned this shop for basically my whole life.”   
  
The name did not go unnoticed by Jared. The two men stood facing one another across the counter in a comfortable and knowing silence.   
  
The door opened and Barry’s attention was drawn to Shannon as he walked in. Much like when he saw Jared, he looked over Shannon as well.   
  
“Jared, everything alright?”   
  
Jared moved to lean against his brother as Shannon came up to the counter. “Everything is fine.”   
  
“Total is $20.49.” Barry alternated his looks between Shannon and Jared. Shannon was beginning to feel uncomfortable under the stranger’s gaze as Jared took out cash and paid the man.   
  
“Thank you, sir.” Jared pushed off of his brother with his roses in hand.   
  
“Hope you and your brother find the peace you are looking for.” Barry called out to the retreating form of the brothers with a sad smile on his face.   
  
Once they were in the car and Shannon was pulling back onto the road, Shannon asked why the man was acting so odd.   
  
“Because that was our grandfather.”   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There You Were lyric taken from "How Sweet It Is" by James Taylor  
> Comfortably Numb lyric taken from "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd
> 
> *No brother. Come here.
> 
> Black Roses:
> 
> "In the 19th century, the language of flowers became popular. In this code, black roses to most people signify death, or hatred. But it really means farewell and overcoming of a long hard journey. They were often used at funerals. A single black rose might be sent by a close friend and or loved one leaving for a war or on a journey from which he did not expect to return. An alternate meaning is 'slavish devotion', since a true black rose is impossible to produce."  
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Rose_(symbolism)


	47. Breathe...Repeat...Old Habits and Die Hard

**Old Habits  
  
** “I didn’t say I was ‘gay as a goose’! I said that I was as serious as a goose. They can’t even fucking get my ‘big coming out’ quote right.” Jared threw down the magazine article that talked about the band and their MTV nomination for the video for “The Kill.” The magazine slid across the table and fell gracelessly onto the floor of the bus.   
  
Matt was lying on the bench laughing at his bandmate’s outburst. Everyone told Jared over a month ago that what he said was going to come back and bite him in the ass. They didn’t realize, however, how much the same quote was going to be used over and over again. “Maybe you shouldn’t have come out on AIM then.”   
  
“I didn’t ‘come out’ on AIM; I was messing around with a brainless interviewer that wanted to talk with Jordan, not Jared.” Turning around to face Matt, Jared continued. “Besides, I don’t have anything to come out of. I don’t even own a closet right now and I am not gay.”   
  
“You’re not gay?” Matt sat up and looked at Jared, who was wearing skinny black jeans, a black vest over a black shirt, and a fedora.   
  
“No.” Jared swung his feet up onto the bench and leaned his body against the side of the bus.   
  
“When what the hell are you?” The look of disbelief and confusion on Matt’s face would have made Jared laugh if they were talking about any other topic.   
  
“I am a human being that goes by the social convention of the name Jared.” Jared was serious with his answer.   
  
“Then why did you jerk me off, and why have you been flirting with me?”   
  
“I flirt with everyone.” Jared looked down at his chipped nails and answered the second question with less conviction than the first. “And I jerked you off because you needed it, and I wanted to give it to you.”   
  
“You’re not gay?” Matt repeated the question from earlier, not expecting an answer. “I don’t understand. And why are you wearing Shannon’s fedora?”   
  
“It looks better on me. He agreed.” Jared kicked his feet out and stood up from the table.   
  
Walking past the bench Matt was sitting on, Jared stopped suddenly when Matt grabbed his arm and jerked him down. Before he knew what has happening, he was sitting on Matt’s lap and Matt’s tongue was down his throat. Allowing himself to be taken, Jared rearranged his body so that he was straddling the man seated underneath him. Tugging on the short hairs on the back of Matt’s head, Jared increased the intensity of the kiss.   
  
Finally pulling away to get air into his deprived lungs, Matt mumbled out. “You are such a fucking tease. You play with your mouth all the time, and I can’t stop watching you move on stage.”   
  
“I move better off stage.” Jared attached his mouth to Matt’s and felt Matt’s hands on his back pulling him closer. Moving his hips forward, he felt Matt's hardness press back against his own growing erection. “Fuck me.”   
  
In a swift motion, Matt pushed Jared onto the floor and turned him over so that he lay face down on the dirty carpet. Stunned, Jared lay still as Matt unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and pulled them away to reveal pale white skin. Matt quickly undid his own pants and gave his cock a couple of stokes before pulling Jared’s hips up into the air. Matt was not naïve to the mechanics of gay sex, he was just inexperienced.   
  
Jared cried out in pain as Matt forcefully pushed into his body without preparation. Leaning his head on his forearm, Jared soaked in the pain and let the pleasure take over his body. Moving his free hand down, he wrapped his own hand around his hard cock and stroked in time with Matt.   
  
Jared’s ass was tight and it didn’t take long before Matt was shooting his release into Jared’s panting body. Before his own orgasm could take over his control, he felt Jared contract around his hard flesh.   
  
Pulling out of Jared’s body, Matt sat back and worked on calming his own body. Jared lay down flat on the floor, leaving his pale ass to face Matt. Realizing what had just happened Matt began to panic.   
  
“Jesus. Jesus.” Standing up as he dressed himself, Jared followed suit and watched on as his bandmate began to pace back and forth along a short stretch of the bus. “Libby is going to fucking kill me. That is if Shannon doesn’t kill me first. God, he seems like the type that would torture me first. I have to leave. I need to go and…”   
  
“Matt! Calm the fuck down!” Jared grabbed Matt’s arm stopping the pacing and made him turn to face him. “It's alright.”   
  
“I just fucked you! It is not alright!” Matt forcefully pulled his arm out of Jared’s grip and then another thought popped into his head. "I fucked you without a condom! How could I be so careless. You have been teasing me forever and I didn't think..."   
  
"I have been tested multiple times. I am clean, if you are."   
  
"Why have you been tested multiple times? You are never with anyone."   
  
"Past behaviors have consequences long after the initial act."   
  
Giving Jared a sad look, he turned and ran off the bus leaving Jared to clean himself up.   
  
That afternoon during sound check everyone could tell that something was up. Matt was twenty minutes late and nowhere to be found when the others began their rehearsal without him. When he did finally show up he was playing the wrong notes and kept losing his place in the songs.   
  
Jared ignored Matt’s weird behavior, but Shannon and Tomo stopped playing and started asking questions.   
  
Lying to his friends, Matt told the group that he was having a serious case of cold feet considering that his wedding was a week away. Jared used all of his acting skills and tried to give Matt reassuring advice on the subject before calling off their sound check. The sound guys had gotten enough to make sure that their show didn’t suck too badly, and he needed to get away from Shannon before his brother caught on.   
  
Matt caught up with him backstage at the venue and began to apologize for earlier, and for making Jared lie to cover for him.   
  
“It was only a fuck. No need to freak out about it.”   
  
“I broke my vow to Libby.”   
  
“You haven’t vowed anything to her yet.”   
  
“I broke the vow to myself to stay away from you, before I did something that I would regret.”   
  
“Do you regret it?” Jared moved his body flush against Matt’s. “Or do you wish that you could do it again? Sink into my warm heat and have my tight body suck the cum right out of you.”   
  
Looking down at the older man, Matt swallowed hard as he tried to resist Jared’ words, but his body wouldn’t let him ignore his desire any longer. He pushed Jared against the wall before attacking his mouth. He always had to be gentle with Libby, but Jared seemed to be begging him to be rough.   
  
Pulling his lips away, Jared turned Matt’s body so that he was the one leaning against the wall. Standing on his tippy-toes, Jared leaned into Matt’s body and whispered in his ear, “Wait until you see what years of playing with my mouth can do with your cock.”   
  
Going down on his knees, Jared ripped open Matt’s jeans and pulled out his hard erection. Slowly licking the tip, Jared looked up and held Matt’s gaze as he took Matt’s cock into his mouth little by little. Letting out a loud moan, Matt threw his head back against the wall and let Jared’s mouth reduce his body to a rag doll.   
  
Jared continued his assault on Matt’s erection, alternating between licking and swallowing until Matt’s knees began to shake and he let out a loud gasp as his body lost control.   
  
Jared stood back up and kissed along Matt’s exposed neck as he moved Matt back into his pants and zipped him back up. “I am yours only until you take that vow.”   
  
For the next week, Matt and Jared continued to sneak away for stolen moments together. Matt was always the one in control and Jared was always willing to submit to his demands. Jared kept the secret from Shannon, but he knew that Shannon was going to catch on eventually.   
  
The night that Matt left to fly home, Shannon found out the extent of his brother’s relationship with the bassist as Jared showed him the bruises on his wrists and then cried into his arms. Matt gave him one last fuck before running away to marry the love of his life. **  
  
**

 **Die Hard  
  
** Jared sat in the rental car with the three black roses in one hand and Shannon’s hand in the other. The boys had been sitting in the car along the cemetery road for the last twenty minutes. Jared was having serious doubts that this was a good idea.   
  
“Maybe we should go. I mean, really, what is this going to accomplish? The man has been dead for over thirty years. Let’s just go. If we leave now, we can make it…”   
  
“Why did you want to come here in the first place?” Shannon tightened his grip on his brother’s hand and pulled a little to make Jared look at him. “There is a reason why you wanted to come here. Perhaps you have to trust that instinct.”   
  
“I wanted to make peace with him. I cannot keep doing this; living with this hatred and pain.” Stroking his thumb along the top of Shannon’s hand, “And I want you to find peace as well. I don’t want to be the cause of holding you back in life.”   
  
“You have never held me back, ever. I am a grown man that makes my own choices. I choose to look after my family and support them in what they need.”   
  
“Don’t hold onto your anger for what he did to Ma. Don’t ignore the truth that Ma told us about him.”   
  
Leaning over, Shannon placed his forehead against his brother’s and took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. Releasing his tension with the air, he told his brother that it was time.   
  
Walking through the cemetery, the brothers stayed glued together as they looked for their father’s grave. The cemetery was old and had many broken headstones that were hundreds of years old. Walking towards the newer section of the cemetery, their father’s name popped out at them from among a small group of Bryant names.   
  
They sat quietly together on top of the grave marked Joseph Anthony Bryant. From his spot leaning against his brother, Shannon noticed the name of the headstone next to their father’s.   
  


Marion Elizabeth Bryant.  
Born: May 11, 1930.  
Died: December 26, 1979.  
May God forgive her broken soul.


	48. Breathe...Repeat...Every Time I Feel This and This Damage That You Caused

  
****Every Time That I Feel This**  
**  
Matt came back from his honeymoon with a ring on his finger and worry lines on his face. Libby was already getting on him about leaving so soon after dedicating himself to her. She was mad that their honeymoon stage had only lasted a couple of weeks and now she was a lonely widow.

Shannon walked in on Matt trying to end a phone conversation with his wife.

“I love you more. I know. I know. I’ll try but we have the awards coming up and then if Jared gets his way, we will be making another video.” Matt saw Shannon and turned his back to the man. “Sweetie, I have to go. No, I will call before tomorrow. I promise; now please don’t cry. I love you too.”

“Married life already kicking you in the ass? Where is your self respect man?” Shannon was going to play it cool and see how Matt was going to respond to him. Shannon wasn’t sure if Matt knew that Jared had told him what they had been doing behind everyone’s back.

“She knew that the band was going to have to come first when she agreed to marry me. I thought maybe I would get her off my back once I finally promised myself to her for eternity. But now she wants to know when I am coming home to start a family.”

“Damn. Kids?”

“No, she wants to raise turtles. Oh course kids.”

“So where does the band fit into that family equation?”

“I am still trying to figure that one out.” Matt sat down next to Shannon on the edge of the stage. The arena was empty except for a couple of roadies running around, not to mention still littered with the garbage from that night’s show.

“Where does my brother fit into that equation?”

Matt stopped his fidgeting and snapped his head around to look at Shannon.

So he didn’t know, Shannon thought to himself.

“Do you really think that you could fuck around with my brother and I wouldn’t find out about it? Because that makes you even dumber than what I thought you were.”

“It was…he wanted to…I wasn’t…” The shower that Matt had taken after the show was proving to be a waste of time because he was starting to sweat again.

“Pick a fucking sentence and finish it. Just like you are going to finish whatever game Jared is making you play with him.” Shannon had warned Matt not to mess around with his brother. He should have known that Matt didn’t know his brother well enough to see past what he was doing. “You are married now.”

Matt's anger got the best of him and he stood up as he exploded out, “Jealous that I fucked him and you can never have him? Bet it kills you that he came to me.”

Shannon stood up and raised himself to full height before walking closer to the taller man. Locking his piercing brown eyes on the man standing a couple of inches in front of him, Shannon’s voice held ice.

“I advise you to choose your next words very carefully, Mattie boy. I grew up in the country. I know how to dispose of bodies where no one will think to look for them.”

“Shannon?” Both men heard Jared call out from a short distance. “Shannon?”

“Whatever was going on between you two is finished. If I hear otherwise, you will never be able to give Libby that family she wants.” Shannon poked his finger hard into the bassist’s chest before leaving to find his brother. Matt sat back down on the stage and began to have serious doubts about that the hell he was doing with his life.

After they won the MTV2 award, the band decided to stay in New York until the Fashion Rock performance. Libby had flown out for awards show and then left with the rest of the family members. When Matt came back from the airport, Jared was in his hotel room.

“I need to sleep, can this wait?” Matt emptied his pockets and threw himself on the bed. Libby had kept him up late last night.

Jared crawled on top of the younger man and lowered his voice. “I heard you last night.”

Lowing his body to rest against the man beneath him, Jared licked Matt’s ear before asking, “Does she let you tie her up before you fuck her too?”

Matt squinted his eyes tighter shut as he tried to ignore the man directly on top of him. Matt’s body still remembered Jared’s touch.

“Does her pussy compare to my tight ass?” Jared licked at Matt’s ear again before blowing on it. “Does she beg you to…”

Jared landed on the floor after Matt used what was left of his self control to push him away.

“You need to leave. Don’t fucking come back!” Matt sat up and tried to maintain his breathing. Staring down at Jared on the floor, Matt could see the rage and rejection on the front man’s face.

“You want me.” Jared moved so that he was on his knees.

Walking on his knees, he stopped in front of Matt’s crotch. Jared lowered his head and breathed hot air onto the cotton material covering Matt’s hard cock. “You need me.”

Feeling Matt’s hand grab a handful of his hair, Jared traced the zipper line in front of him with his tongue. Hearing Matt moan out, he continued low and even. “But you just fucked up your chance of ever having me again.”

Unwrapping Matt’s hand from his hair, Jared stood up and walked out of the room without looking back at the hard and panting man he left on the bed. ****

********   


 

  
****This Damage That You Caused**  
**  
“Do you boys mind if we move over there?” Barry nodded his head in the direction of nearby bench. “I’m pretty sure that I could get down there, but these knees are not as young as they used to be and I may have to stay down there.”

Jared looked quickly at his brother before he moved to get up. He kept his hold on Shannon forcing him to get up with him. Barry noticed that Jared did not let go of Shannon's hand the whole way over to the bench and, when they sat down, they sat closer than he ever did to his own brother. Jared noticed the strange look that his grandfather was giving them and stared him down, daring him to make a comment about it. This man may be his grandfather, but he had no right to make judgments on something he did not understand. Jared was relieved when Barry turned his gaze away from the brothers’ interlocked hands.

“Joseph was a bright boy; he just never had a direction in life. While he was as smart as a whip, he stopped going to school in the tenth grade. That is when his trouble started. He took to the whiskey and the woman and never looked back. My wife, Marion, was worried that she passed something down to him. There were members of her family that no one talked about, if you get what I am saying.” Barry stopped and looked at Jared. “Your father looked a lot like my wife; you have many of the same features of both of the people that I have lost. It is startling to look at you.”

“This may make me sound like an ass, but haven’t you ever seen us before?” Jared wondered why the other side of his family never contacted him. He wasn’t the most well known person in the world, but his image was out there for public consumption.

“Joseph completely separated himself from the family after I tried to get him to stop drinking. We only heard about his marriage and the children that came from that marriage after identifying his body. Your grandmother, Ruby, gave us a picture of you two. Marion and I thought it best to let you heal before we contacted you. Once Marion couldn’t stand it any longer, she tried to contact Ruby but you had already moved without a forwarding address.”

“Jared has been in movies. Our band has toured nationwide. We have been in the media.”

“I am an old man. If it isn’t in the local paper or my gardening magazines, chances are I don’t know about it.” Barry chuckled to himself. “A band you say? What do you play?”

“We pretty much don’t have a genre. Mostly rock if we had to pick.” Jared looked at his grandfather to see his reaction. Barry seemed generally interested in the brothers’ lives. “My brother is the drummer and I write the songs. Our grandfather encouraged us to be creative and take risks with our art.”

“I am sorry that I missed out on your life. I would give anything to go back and slap some sense into my boy.” Barry’s eyes held genuine regret. “I come here every week and talk with him and my Marion. I hadn’t gotten any answers until I saw you walk into my flower shop.”

“I don’t know what answers I hoped to find here, but I believe that fate has brought us together today.” Jared turned his eyes away from his grandfather and looked at Shannon. Shannon sat looking back at him. Jared wanted Shannon to tell their grandfather their story.

Tightening his grip on his brother, Shannon started from the day their father took Jared and explained to him how the brothers came to find their way back to Louisiana. By the time that Shannon was finished, everyone had tears in their eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both titles taken from lyrics to "Let Go" by Staind


	49. Breathe...Repeat...Live and Learn and Fools and Sages

**Live and Learn**  
  
“Go talk with him.” Shannon pulled the hood off of the head lying on his chest.   
  
“No.” Jared yanked the hood back on and continued to stare at the in-flight movie. “Don’t want to.”   
  
“Yes.” Shannon pulled the hood back down. He was laughing at Jared’s childish behavior. Jared and Matt were still working out how to co-exist with one another after their “incident” in the hotel room. Matt and Shannon had made peace once Matt apologized for what he said to Shannon. Matt reassured the drummer that he had no intention of continuing the affair with his brother.   
  
“I’m watching this.” Pinching his brother’s stomach, Jared kept his hood off and went back to the movie.   
  
“While I am not going to deny that 'The Next Karate Kid' is a cinematic masterpiece worthy of your undivided concentration, I think that talking with Matt is more important right now.” Shannon laughed again as his brother buried his head against his chest.   
  
“Why do you always have to be right?” Jared mumbled into his brother’s shirt.   
  
“Because God gave me all the brains and thus you were left with only good looks.” Shannon brushed back Jared’s hair and kept his gentle grip to pull Jared’s face back so he could see it. “Akea aoun.*”   
  
Closing his eyes, Jared gave a slight nod of defeat.   
  
Shannon looked around the cabin to make sure that everyone around them was asleep or otherwise distracted before drawing his brother near to place a kiss on his forehead. “Be honest. No games.”   
  
Jared left the comfort of his brother's presence to walk down the aisle to where Tomo and Matt were talking with one another. Stopping in front of them, Jared nodded in the direction of his brother and told Tomo that Shannon wanted to talk with him.   
  
Once Tomo left with a knowing look on his face, Jared crawled over Matt’s legs and took Tomo’s spot near the window.   
  
“Shannon says that we need to talk.” Jared pulled at the blanket covering the startled man leaving it half covering both of them.   
  
“Do you always do what your brother tells you to?” Matt didn’t mean for the comment to come out as snotty as it sounded. “I’m sorry. Don’t answer that.”   
  
“I told you that I was yours until you married Libby, but that wasn’t the truth. I don’t do this.” Jared used his upturned hand to motion back and forth between the two. “So I did the one thing that I know how to do in relationships, make people use me.”   
  
“I wasn’t using you.” Matt's voice held his uncertainty.   
  
“I know what you were doing. In the past I let countless men do it to me. You were acting on the desire to dominate another man.” Jared turned to look out the window. “And I made you do it. I’m sorry that I messed with your emotions and with your marriage. I can’t stop myself sometimes.”   
  
“I couldn’t stop myself either. When you said that you weren’t gay, everything that I was feeling for you didn’t seem so bad anymore. I wasn’t gay if I felt myself falling for you.”   
  
Jared turned back so that he was facing Matt. “I don’t like labels like that. ‘Gay.’ ‘Straight.’ ‘Bi.’ Nature isn’t as rigid as those terms make it out to be.”   
  
“Whatever you are, or aren’t, I am with Libby. I love Libby. I want to be with my wife.” Matt had almost convinced himself with his own words. Jared saw them for what they were. Matt was telling him that nothing was ever going to come out of their short time together.   
  
“I know. I’m not ready for you anyways.” Leaving the man, Jared went back to the safety of his brother and once again kicked Tomo out of his seat.   
  
Lying back against his brother, Jared put Matt to the far corner of his mind and focused on the work still left to be done before they started shooting their next video.   
  
Back in his own seat, Matt vaguely listened to Tomo go on about how Mr. Miyagi was a classic character. Matt could sense that this would be the last video adventure that he was going to go on as a member of 30 Seconds to Mars.   
  
****

**Fools And Sages**  
  
“It is hard to imagine that your son could do such cruel things. He was not raised like that. My wife would be ….” Barry’s voice was thick with emotion and he was finding the words harder and harder to come out. “It is hard to hear how I failed my own son and, in turn, failed my only grandchildren.”   
  
Jared reached out his hand and placed it on his grandfather’s forearm. The three men sat in silence listening to the soft breeze and the distant sounds of cars going down the highway.   
  
“You didn’t fail us.” Shannon’s words broke the stillness. “Our father made his own mistakes. You cannot blame yourself for the life he chose to live.”   
  
“A man is measured in the legacy that he leaves behind. My son does not deserve the legacy you gave him by becoming such accomplished and courageous men. While my son didn’t realize what he was missing out on, I am damn proud of you both.” His knees popped as he stood up to face his grandsons. “I would very much like to keep in touch with you, but I will understand if you don’t wish to be reminded of your father through contact with me.”   
  
“You do not deserve the legacy your son made of your name. Our name has been changed, but we would wish to be your legacy.” Shannon spoke for both brothers. Reaching into his back pocket for his wallet, Shannon wrote on the back of a receipt their phone numbers and his mother’s address. “The first two numbers are our cell phones. The last one goes with the address listed; it is our mother’s house in Texas. You can reach us anytime though any of those numbers.”   
  
Taking the receipt, their grandfather gave them a sad smile before walking back to his truck.   
  
Letting go of his brother’s hand, Jared ran after the man. Catching up with him near the truck, Jared removed the photograph from his front pocket.   
  
“It wasn’t always bad times.” Jared explained the photo to his grandfather.   
  
Barry looked down to see two smiling boys standing in front of their parents. Constance had her arms wrapped around both of the boys and Joseph was hugging Constance from behind.   
  
“But there were still far too many.” Getting into the truck and closing the door. Barry handed two more black roses to Jared and then drove off.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titles taken from lyrics from "Dream On" by Aerosmith
> 
> *No enemy. Take it more like, don't leave someone mad at you.


	50. Breathe...Repeat...Forbidden and Finally Free

  
**Forbidden  
  
** “I am never going to forget this experience.” Tomo stood on the steps overlooking the courtyard of their video set. In front of him, hundreds of extras ran around preparing for the final shot of the night. Jared was off to the side communicating with the camera crew and fireworks specialists. “If someone told me growing up that I would be shooting a short film in China, I would have told them to lay off the drugs. And Jared, does that man know how to fail at anything?”   
  
The question was directed at Matt standing next to him. He too was soaking in the sights before them, but for other reasons than Tomo.   
  
“Everyone has something.” Matt turned to look at Shannon sitting behind his drums. Shannon stuck his tongue out at him and then made a goofy face. Giving his attention back to the guitarist, Matt continued, “Jared isn’t perfect.”   
  
“I know that, man, but who else could ever convince a record company to fly us to China and then let him have complete creative control? The man knows how to work wonders.”   
  
“Do you ever think that you could leave this?” Matt lowered his voice. However, it was unnecessary because anyone who could speak English was too far away to hear him.   
  
“Never. Not an option.” Tomo face held confusion. “Why? Do you?   
  
“Libby wants a family. And not Jared’s definition of family. One that I would be responsible for raising and providing for. I wouldn’t be able to run away to play rocker for ten months out of the year. I could never do that to my children.”   
  
“I know that something happened between you and Jared. And, hey, that is your business, but don’t run away from us because of that. You can be a father and stay with us. They can come on tour with us. I’ll teach the little rug rats how to cook and speak Croatian so we can make you breakfast in bed and then talk behind your back.”   
  
“You are not teaching my nonexistent children to like you best.” Matt gave Tomo a small shove. “And this isn’t about Jared. Well, it mostly isn’t about Jared. It is about me.”   
  
Tomo shoved him back. “Told you that kissing a man wasn’t the most horrible thing in the world.”   
  
Matt’s face turned red as he said, “There are other things to do with a man that aren’t so bad either.”   
  
Before Tomo could demand that Matt explain himself, Jared and his interpreter called out that they were ready.   
  
On the plane ride back to the States, Jared began to act weird again. Once he wasn't distracted by doing 50 things at once, his mood turned sour. His temper had pissed off everyone traveling with the band and no one seemed to know why he was behaving like he was. China had been a great adventure and they were traveling back to accept an award for "The Kill." From the outside, things looked perfect.   
  
Shannon finally got him to ignore the others around them and got Jared to sleep.   
  
Landing back in LA, everyone could tell that Jared’s foot was bothering him and his voice held the distinct markings of a cold. However, rehearsals started for the Fuse Awards and their Bamboozle performance with a grumpy Jared and a dismissive Shannon.   
  
Jared put on his professional face and nailed the performance and gracefully accepted his Prince of Darkness Award, but all he wanted to do was to go home and sleep. Jared lived to perform on stage and connect with their audience, but something began to change that he did not understand. He could blame it on his foot but he realized that he was only using that as an excuse.   
  
Touring continued and soon the band found themselves in Ohio. Signing autographs after the show, Jared dropped his marker when a small boy stood smiling in front of him with a Self-Titled CD in his hand.   
  
Looking over at his brother quickly, he saw Shannon smiling back at him. He noticed it too. The child looked like every photograph Jared had ever seen of himself when he was younger.  The boy's mother was holding onto his other hand; she was smiling down at Jared, more nervous than her son.   
  
“Hello, Jared.” The boy’s long brown hair fell down in his eyes and he dropped his mother’s hand to move it out of the way. “Momma says you are nice and will sign my music. Will you sign my music?”   
  
Figuring that staring at the boy was only going to frighten him, Jared picked up his marker and smiled. “Your Momma sounds like a cool mother. My mother didn’t bring me to concerts when I was your age.”   
  
“Maybe your Momma didn’t know you wanted to go?” The boy’s smile increased to show that he was missing a couple of front teeth as his head turned slightly to the side. “Did you tell her?”   
  
“That was probably it; I didn’t tell her. Did you tell your Momma to bring you to see us tonight?” Jared signed the CD, but kept it in his hand. He was at the end of the signing line and was holding up the rest of the concert goers, but he didn’t care.   
  
The boy started jumping up and down and shaking his head ”yes.”   
  
“He has been listening to your music since before he was born. He knows all the words and likes to drum along with Shannon.” The mother laughed at her boy’s behavior. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him he couldn’t come with me.”   
  
Rising his head to the woman, Jared smiled up at her. “I’m glad you brought him along. Can you keep him here a minute? I don’t want to hold up the rest of the line.”   
  
“Sure. Joey, come let’s wait over here.” The woman took her son and went behind the security line to wait.   
  
Once the signing was over with, Jared went to talk with his brother and then both of the men went to where Joey and his mother were waiting.   
  
“Joey, I told my brother about what your mother told me and he wants to give you something.” Jared knelt down so that he was on eye level with the little boy and looked over at Shannon as he knelt near his brother.   
  
“Hey, Joey, I have something very special for you and you will have to promise to treat them well.” Bringing out his sticks from his back pocket, he raised them sideways for that Joey could look at them. “See these are magic drumsticks that let you play any kind of music you want. I’ve been keeping them for someone special. Do you want to take them home and take care of them for me now?”   
  
Joey looked up to his mother for direction. Once she indicated that it was okay, Joey took the large drumsticks in his little hands and looked on in wonderment at his present.   
  
“I’ll keep them safe.” Joey moved the sticks around in his hands for a minute before looking up and throwing his arms around Shannon and then Jared. “Momma was right; you are nice.”   
  
Joey’s mother smiled back at the brothers as she left with her son. Joey was still holding onto the sticks like they were fragile glass that would break at any moment.   
  
  
**Finally Free**  
  
“It is so easy to hate you; too easy in fact. But the funny thing is, or perhaps it is the sad thing, hating you didn’t change anything. I tried to forget you and that didn’t work either. So I’m doing something that you could never do; I’m facing my demons head on.” Jared spoke down to his father’s headstone. Shannon was sitting right next to him in the spot they abandoned when their grandfather made his surprise appearance. The flowers were lying across both of their knees.   
  
“A woman raped me when I was four years old. She lured me into her motel room because you didn’t think to feed me when you took me from everything that I knew and loved. She tore my clothes off and then made me feel shame for what she forced me do. After it was over, she kicked me out into the night and drove off. I didn’t know what to do, so I hid in the bushes near her room. You found me in the morning and then hit me for running away. You didn’t ask why I was hiding and you didn’t care that I was shaking so bad that I couldn’t speak.” Jared felt Shannon rubbing his back and the sun beating down his face.   
  
“In the following days, you left me in that motel room for hours on end, alone and hungry. I was afraid to ask you when we were going home for fear that you would get in one of your moods and hit me again. You told me that my mother didn’t want me anymore. What kind of a person tells a little boy that? What kind of father points a gun at their child’s head and tells them that everything is going to be okay?” Jared began to feel his body shaking and his voice was getting weaker. “All I wanted was for you to love me enough to bring me home to my mother and brother.”   
  
Jared leaned over to rest his head on Shannon’s shoulder. “You didn’t take my life that night, but you forever changed it. Your dead eyes had been haunting me for too long. So I'll stop hating you, because it doesn't help me to keep such negative thoughts in my head. I could say that I will forget you, but that wouldn’t be healthy either, because a lot of who I am stems from those seventeen days. From today forward, I will stop lying to myself about what happened to me and how it has affected me. I will stop hiding.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Free lyric from "Attack" by 30 Seconds to Mars


	51. Breathe...Repeat...Nine Night of Matter

“So what did you decide?” Tomo was lounging around the backstage area of the MTVU Woodie Awards. The show wasn’t until later that night, but all the presenters and performers were required to do a walk through of their parts before taping. 30 Seconds to Mars was presenting the “Best Woodie” and were waiting for the presenter in front of them to mime through their part.   
  
“I have to talk with them. It isn’t fair that I am having these thoughts and not discussing things with them.” Matt’s eyes were on the brothers as they were quietly talking with one another. Jared had woken up hurting again and Shannon hadn’t left his side since the first grunt of pain. “I just have to decide when would be the right time to tell them that I am thinking about betraying them.”   
  
“Man, don’t say it like that. They are not going to hate you for wanting something different in your life. They are probably going to be jealous that you are having offspring before them.”   
  
“Offspring is here?” Shannon piped into the conversation. Jared had found a new friend; a six-foot tall woman with multicolored hair and a coat to match. Shannon left Jared alone because he was only moving a couple of feet away from him and he could still keep him in eyesight. Jared was masking the pain well, but Shannon could tell that Jared was pushing himself. “I haven’t seen Atom in ages.”   
  
“No.” Matt heard Tomo laugh out at Shannon while Matt looked over at Jared. He was still talking with the woman who Matt vaguely remembered from somewhere. He was pretty sure that she was one of the performers that night. Knowing Jared, they were probably swapping eye make-up techniques.   
  
“Matt wants to have little Mattastrophies.” Matt attention was brought back quickly to the other two at Tomo’s words.   
  
“Tomo, Jesus. It is hardly the time to talk about…” Matt was cut off by the producer’s assistant calling the band to the stage. Giving Tomo a death glare, Matt walked past him and grabbed Jared’s arm to direct him away from the woman.   
  
“Matt.” Shannon brushed Matt’s hands off his brother and waited for Jared’s reaction. Jared wasn’t in the mood to be touched.   
  
“Let’s go.” Jared seized up at the contact, but ignored the action and led the way onto the stage.   
  
Off in the corner, someone had noticed the fuss that Shannon had made over his brother the entire time the band had been waiting; he snickered to himself at Shannon’s last move.   
  
The Awards ceremony itself went smoothly. Jared did his spiel about their “Environment tour” and they accepted another award for “The Kill.” No one knew that the after party would be major news for the next couple of weeks.   
  
Jared was still working through his pain and was still in an odd mood when he saw Elijah Wood sitting with his small group of friends. Thinking it was time to win Elijah over from the comments he made before about the band, Jared went up to the man and leaned over to have a few words with him. Elijah listened to him and smiled in agreement, simply wanting Jared to leave him alone. As Jared was walking away, Elijah made a snide comment about 'if people thought the “Lord of the Rings” cast was sleeping with one another, they oughta see Jared and his brother together'. The almost fatal mistake he made was not waiting for Jared to walk out of hearing range first.   
  
Jared retraced his steps and had Elijah in a choke hold before Elijah had time to lean back from his comment. Everyone at the table sat in shock as Jared held the other man at his mercy. Jared's voice held an eerie calm. “Listen to me you pint-size arrogant prick. You can fucking talk shit about my band any day, but the second you make it personal I will fucking destroy you. Understand, you fucking asshole?”   
  
“Jared. Enough.” Shannon made his presence known to his brother and watched as Jared released the small man and walked away without another word. Shannon followed closely behind as security men came up to Wood’s table.   
  
“Jared.” Shannon pulled Jared into a private corner and gave him a minute to collect himself.   
  
“I didn’t mean to do that, but he was fucking talking about us and they don’t…” Jared’s voice cut off and he shook his head to clear his thoughts. “Little fucker is going to tell all his little friends now that Big Bad Jared Leto picked on him.”   
  
“No one ever listens to the whiny ones. Come on, let’s head out of here.” Shannon gave his brother’s hand a quick squeeze before heading back out into the crowd.   
  
The brothers were stopped on their way out by an online “blogger” who wanted to ask Jared why he didn’t like weblogs. Jared pushed the camera out of his face and told the man that he shouldn’t try to think so much. The man didn’t want to leave it at that, and Shannon tried to laugh him off, but Jared simply ended up walking away.   
  
The next day, the band was to pre-tape some segments for T-Minus Rock. On the drive over Jared kept his head on his brother’s shoulder as he winced in pain. Shannon wanted to talk with Jared about what he heard from Tomo the day before, but he knew that the conversation would have to wait until later.   
  
Once in the studio, Shannon was worried that Jared wasn’t going to make it through the taping. It was the first time that Jared was shown on camera in obvious physical pain. Even his jokes had a raw edge to them that was coming off wrong. Once Jared walked off after talking about Detroit, Shannon knew that it was time to end the interview. Waving to the TV audience, Shannon walked off camera to follow his brother.   
  
In the greenroom, Jared kindly told the cameraman to leave. MTV had a habit of filming their guests in the greenrooms and Jared didn’t feel like putting on a show any longer.   
  
Peeking his head in, Shannon saw his brother lying on the couch with one foot on the ground and both of his hands over his eyes. Combined with the hood from his sweatshirt, Jared’s face was almost completely covered. Pulling a chair up to the couch, Shannon sat down and took one of Jared’s hands.   
  
“We can take a break from the tour. They will understand.” Shannon was talking about the fans that they would disappoint if the tour took a small break.   
  
“But I don’t think that MTV would be too happy with us.”   
  
“Fuck them.”   
  
Hearing Jared laugh brought a smile to Shannon’s face. It had been awhile since he heard his brother in a good mood.   
  
“The worst part is I fucking did this to myself.” Jared laughter faded and let the room grow silent once again. After a pause, Jared told his brother that he only needed a minute and then they could finish out the interview.   
  
Shannon leaned over and gave his brother’s covered head a kiss before he made to leave to inform the MTV crew that they would be ready in a minute, but was stopped when Jared wouldn’t let go of his hand.   
  
“Stay with me. Fuck them, remember?” Jared’s eyes looked out from behind his hand at his brother.   
  
“Fuck them all.” Shannon said sitting back down in his chair.  
  
On their way to Philadelphia to celebrate Halloween with a special concert, Jared woke up with a start. Quickly looking around his bunk, it took a minute for Jared to realize where he was. Jared tried to remember the dream that made him wake up so suddenly, but it was already gone. Pulling out his ear plugs, Jared opened the curtain to his bunk and jumped down. Almost one step later, Jared was in Shannon’s bunk and burrowing himself under the covers. Even then, Jared’s mind still wouldn’t let him go back to sleep.   
  
After the Halloween Blood Ball was over with, Jared tried to fall asleep in his own bunk, but sleep would not come. Jared crawled into Shannon’s bunk again and still sleep would not come. Unwrapping Shannon’s arms from around his waist, Jared tried to make as little noise was possible as he jumped down and opened the divider. The bus was already going down the highway to their next location; it would take awhile to get to Atlanta.   
  
Grabbing a bottle of juice, Jared sat down at the table and looked out the window at the passing sights. It was very early morning and the only other people on the road were semi-trucks with bright lights.   
  
As Jared was finishing his juice, something caught his eye up ahead on the road. The object was small and to the side of the road. Keeping his eyes on the approaching object, he watched as it grew bigger as it got closer. Jared yelled out as the bus passed it.   
  
Running to the front of the bus, Jared yelled at their driver to stop. After the bus driver looked up at him in confusion, Jared yelled at him once again to pull the bus over.   
  
“If this is a fucking Halloween prank, I’m putting bugs in your bunk while you are on stage.” The driver finally turned on the hazards and pulled to the side of the road. As the bus came to a stop, the rest of the band made their way to the front of the bus. Jared’s yelling had woken them up and everyone was curious as to why the bus was stopping.   
  
Before the bus came to a complete stop, Jared was already outside and running back toward the area he saw the small figure. Ignoring Shannon calling after him, Jared’s bare feet continued to slam down on debris on the side of the road. After running for a couple of minutes, Jared slowed down as there was no sign of the figure he saw before. Walking a couple of more feet, Shannon caught up with him nearly out of breath.   
  
“Jared, what the fuck?”   
  
“I saw him. He was curled up on the side of the road.” Jared continued to look around franticly. He too was out of breath.   
  
“Who?” Shannon grabbed onto both of Jared’s arms to stop him from moving around.   
  
“A boy. A small boy. I saw him.” Jared looked back at Shannon; his eyes were pleading with his brother to make him believe what he was saying. “I saw him.”   
  
“Jared. It is late; there wouldn’t be a boy out on the side of the highway at this hour. It was an animal or a shadow or something.” Jared was scaring him. Jared’s eyes showed his own fear.   
  
“I saw him.” Jared pleaded one last time before he pulled his brother close and buried his head in his brother’s shoulder. Shannon held his shaking brother back just as tightly as truck lights continued to pass them on the early morning highway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from lyric by "Teardrop" by Massive Attack


	52. Breathe...Repeat....Wondering What's Real

Working kept Jared’s mind occupied. Once he was committed to a task, he threw himself whole heartedly into the process and became hyper-focused. For the last couple of nights, Jared hadn’t been able to sleep and consequently he was spending most of his nights editing the video for “From Yesterday.” He had his vision and hours upon hours of film from the shoot to keep his mind off of his dreams.   
  
Shannon knew that Jared wasn’t sleeping, but he didn’t know why. After the early morning highway freak out, Jared had been putting on a show that everything was back to normal. After getting a restless night of sleep, Jared told Shannon that it must had been an animal that he saw on the side of the road. Jared told the others that it must have been the Halloween mindset that made him react so strongly and that he was sorry he woke everyone up.   
  
Constance and Ruby joined the band when the boys came to Houston. Shannon could tell that having their mother and grandmother around was just what Jared needed because, after giving them both a long hug good-bye, Jared abandoned his late night editing sessions and got a full night's rest.   
  
After Jared's mood had remained positive for several days, Shannon knew that it was time for the band to have their long awaited discussion.   
  
“No” was the only response that Matt got when he told the group what he had been debating for the last couple of months. The band was on the start of their ten hour drive to St. Louis, Missouri and after Jared’s outburst, he had no where to go. After pacing back and forth for a minute, he left the common area in the back of the bus to escape to the front. Shannon soon followed and found Jared sitting at the table with an extra sweatshirt on.   
  
“Is the bus too cold?” Shannon asked as he slid into the booth next to his brother. He moved his arms around Jared’s shoulders and rubbed up and down his arms. “We can turn up the heat.”   
  
“Don’t you think that I fucking know that?” Jared snapped back at his brother, but he also moved further into his touch at the same time. He didn’t like the feelings that were coursing through his mind. He thought his spell had finally passed, but it was all rushing back to him again. His hard won control was slipping. “He can’t leave.”   
  
“He doesn’t know what he wants right now. He was just preparing us for his possible departure, in case he decides to take a new direction in life. He didn’t want to blind side us.” Shannon stopped rubbing Jared’s arms and turned them so that they were facing one another in the small space. “Tell me what is going one with you.”   
  
“I don’t know.” Jared put his forehead against his brother’s. He was telling the truth, he really didn’t know what was going on. “I want to go to the hospital.”   
  
“The hospital? Why?” Shannon pulled back and gave his brother a concerned look. “Do you feel okay?”   
  
“I don’t want to go for me. I want to visit the hospital. We are so wrapped up in this that we don’t take the time to use it to do good. We should go to the Children’s hospital and play some music with them.”   
  
Shannon gave his brother a sad smile. “You’re jealous that Matt possibly gets to play family.”   
  
“A little bit. Aren’t you?”   
  
“A little bit.” Shannon looked down at what his brother was wearing and laughed. “You took Matt’s hoodie.”   
  
“First one that I saw.” Jared looked down so that Shannon wouldn’t see him blush. “We’ll go when we get there. First thing.”   
  
“Okay.” Shannon tilted Jared’s head back up to look into his eyes. “No secrets Jared.”   
  
“No secrets.”   
  
The Children’s Hospital welcomed the band with open arms. All the children were excited to have visitors. Most of them didn’t know who the band was, but it didn’t matter, because they brought music instruments with them. All the kids were invited to play with the band. One little girl with no hair became attached to Shannon and followed him around where ever he went.   
  
The visit improved the mood of all the band members, especially Jared.   
  
After the concert in Utah, Jared was in the back of the bus piecing together his masterpiece, and jumped when he felt someone’s hand on his shoulder.   
  
“Sorry.” Matt gave Jared a smile as he sat down next to him. “Got that thing done yet.”   
  
“I have a feeling that it is never going to be ready. I added too much to this one. It will go out to the company tomorrow, though, finished or not.” Jared’s eyes moved away from the computer screen and focused on the man next to him. “Are you going to run away and play family without me?”   
  
“I don’t know what I want. This band is everything to me, but my wife is more.” Matt’s hand began to tap on the table. “It would be hard to leave this. It would be hard to leave you.”   
  
Jared hand moved to stop Matt’s tapping and then he let his fingers linger on top of the other man’s. “You don’t have to leave me.”   
  
Pulling back his hand, Matt stood up and hesitated before chickening out and asking, “I…have you seen my black sweatshirt?”   
  
“It is in Shannon’s bunk. I stole it a couple of days ago. You can grab it; Shannon is still on the phone in the front.” Jared attention went back to the video as Matt walked out of the small room.   
  
His sweatshirt didn’t appear to be in Shannon’s bunk when he went looking for it, so he began to search the area directly around it. Opening up a drawer and pushing aside some t-shirts, Matt saw something that caught his eye. Looking to the front, he saw Shannon’s shoulder sticking out from behind the divider. He was still distracted by the phone. Pulling the book out of the drawer, Matt opened it up and then froze in shock.   
  
Inside the book were photos that Shannon had obviously taken. Shannon typically couldn’t go more than a couple of days without taking out his camera and disappearing for a few minutes, but he kept most of his pictures private. The rest of the band knew that Shannon was preparing to release his work one day; they were waiting for Shannon to share them with the world.   
  
These photos were not meant to me shared with the world.   
  
They were all of Jared.   
  
Flipping through the photo book, Matt saw Jared in various poses and clothes. Some were in color, but the majority of them were black and white. A couple towards the front had to have been taken over twenty years ago. As he continued to flip through the pages, Jared's age increased.   
  
Matt’s heart rate increased as he flipped to the black and white photos of Jared with no clothes on. They were all done in a classic editorial style and were not meant to be arousing, but Matt found that he couldn’t take his eyes away.   
  
“Looking for something?” Matt jumped at Shannon’s voice and almost dropped the book. Closing it quickly, Matt shoved it back in the drawer and took a step back.   
  
“My…um…sweatshirt because…Jared said…” Matt was turning a couple shades of red and he could feel the sweat forming on his forehead.   
  
Shannon opened the curtain to Jared’s bunk and grabbed Matt's sweatshirt. Holding out the garment, Shannon waited for Matt to take it.   
  
“I…” Matt attempted to explain himself again.   
  
“Just take it.” Shannon extended his arm out further and watched as Matt took another step back. “I’m not going to hit you, just take your sweatshirt.”   
  
Matt quickly grabbed it and mumbled sorry as backed up and jumped into his bunk. Closing his curtain, Matt buried his face in his sweatshirt and waited for his erection to go away. But Jared's unique scent clung to the cloth, which only served to worsen Matt's problem.   
  
Backstage at the Vancouver show, Jared was warming up his voice before the show. He had secluded himself off in a room and was going through his pre-show ritual. Opening his eyes, a shadow caught his attention. Turning around, he looked up to find nothing there. Shaking his head, he went back to the scales. Opening one of his eyes again, his shadow was back; there a boy with shaggy brown hair curled up to the side of the couch he was sitting on. The boy’s face was covered and he was rocking back and forth as if scared. Jared thought the boy must be have slipped into the room while he was preoccupied and had to be lost.   
  
 Pulling out his earphones, Jared looked over at the small boy and opened his mouth to say something to him.   
  
“Jared.”   
  
Jared jumped at the loud voice as he turned his head to see his brother as he opened the door.   
  
“Showtime, baby bro.” Shannon said sticking out his tongue.   
  
Jared looked back to where the boy was sitting to find no trace of him. Jared looked back at Shannon and told him he would be right there.   
  
Before leaving the room, he looked around quickly, checking in all the places he thought the boy might be hiding.   
  
Finding no trace of him, Jared began to feel the ache in his stomach that he first felt the night of Halloween.   
  
  
The night Jared had trouble falling asleep, but he didn’t want to go to Shannon’s bunk because then he would know that something was up. So he closed his eyes and started humming softly to himself, hoping the tune that was running through his head would drown out his racing thoughts. The video had been released that day and Jared didn’t have enough to occupy his mind with.  
  
After a couple hours of restlessly tossing and turning, Jared must have fallen asleep briefly, because he awoke suddenly at the sound of a boy screaming. Jared's heart was racing as jumped out of the bunk and looked around the bus. All he could hear was the soft sounds of people breathing and the sounds of the large wheels going down the road. After making sure that Shannon was still asleep, Jared pulled back Matt’s curtain and put a hand over his mouth as he shook him awake.   
  
“Shh.” Jared whispered to the man as he woke up. “Come with me.”   
  
Matt was still half-sleep as Jared dragged him into the back room and pushed him against the wall. At the feel of Jared’s tongue in his mouth, Matt became fully awake and gently pushed the man away.   
  
“What are you…” Matt was cut off as Jared pushed him back against the wall and attacked his mouth once again. This time instead of protesting, Matt pulled Jared closer and deepened the kiss.   
  
“Fuck me.” Jared gasped out in a whisper as he began to push down Matt’s pants. “Please. Fuck me hard.”   
  
Stepping out of his pants, Matt’s mind was taken back to the naked photos that he found of Jared days before, and he found himself roughly pushing Jared down onto the floor. Jared’s upper body was draped over the seat cushions of the couch as his knees were scraped across the carpet as Matt ripped off Jared’s pants and pushed his legs apart.   
  
Jared muffled his cry into the cushions as Matt forcefully pushed into him.   
  
Losing himself in the heat of Jared’s body, Matt didn’t hear the light sobs coming from the man beneath him. It was only after he had come and rested his head on Jared’s back that he felt Jared's body shaking. Pulling his pants back on Matt grabbed Jared’s shoulder and pulled him back to look at him. Matt was thrown backwards as Jared’s elbow made contact with his chin. Falling back into the video game equipment, the game box crashed onto the floor making a loud noise in the quiet bus.   
  
Jared pulled on his pants quickly, knowing that the rest of the bus would follow the noise. Jumping up onto his feet, Jared stepped back into the corner as the divider door was thrown open to reveal his brother.   
  
“What’s going on here?” Taking a quick look around the room, he saw Jared hovering in the corner with tears on his face and Matt sitting on the floor with the game cases lying around him. Looking back at Jared one more time, Shannon leaped onto Matt and took two handfuls of his shirt as he pulled him within inches of his face, “What the fuck did you do to him?”   
  
“Shannon. No.” Jared's hand grabbed onto Shannon’s shoulder and waited for him to release the younger man. “Ouena akea.*”   
  
Hissing at Matt, Shannon pushed him back as he released him, and then all his attention was directed at his brother.   
  
“What happened?” Shannon walked up directly in front of his brother, shielding him away from the other man’s view. Tomo was standing motionless in the doorway. “Are you alright?”   
  
Jared shook his head up and down as he wiped his eyes. “I’m fine. I’m tired. Let’s sleep.”   
  
Tomo backed up against the wall as the brothers made their way past him. Looking down at Matt, he asked, “What the fuck happened back in here?”   
  
“Shut it.” Matt directed Tomo to shut the divider as he moved out of the sea of video games to sit on the couch. Running his hands through his hair, Matt took a couple of deep breaths as he felt Tomo sit next to him.   
  
“He woke me up and attacked me. I couldn't help myself; I gave him what he wanted.” Matt dropped his hands to look at the guitarist.   
  
“Which was?”   
  
“He wanted me to fuck him and I did. I didn’t hear him crying until I was finished. I touched him and he threw his elbow back and knocked me against the wall. Then you showed up.”   
  
The two men sat in silence staring at each other.   
  
“Did you hear what he said?”   
  
“Which one?” Matt asked in confusion.   
  
“Jared. He said something to Shannon.”   
  
“All I heard was Shannon breathing down my throat.”   
  
“It wasn’t English. It stopped him from killing you though.”   
  
“I’m so fucking stupid.” Matt ran his fingers through his hair again. “Fuck!”   
  
“No more fucking for you.” Tomo mocked back at Matt as he walked back to his own bunk.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from lyric of the song "Breathe" by Michelle Branch
> 
> *Brother no.


	53. Breathe...Repeat...Gravity's Zero See Me Stall

**  
**More California dates meant that Libby was coming back on tour with them. The bus ride from Vancouver to San Francisco had been long and quiet. Jared and Shannon stayed in Shannon’s bunk the whole time. Shannon kept him close and made sure that he slept, which Jared did, because in the safety of Shannon’s arms his dreams could not harm him.  
  
Matt spent the time in dread. He was going to have to tell his wife what happened; he made a commitment to her and violated her trust. He did not want secrets in his marriage and he knew that Libby was going to hate him once she heard the truth. Matt would also have to explain the whole situation to her and admit that he lied in the past about his friendship with Jared, and the not-so-casual flirting.   
  
Tomo spent the time in quiet reflection. He was noticing what was going around him, and he came to the conclusion that it was the worse time to give up his weed. He was also feeling like the odd man out again; Shannon was preoccupied with Jared, and Matt was so worried about his wife coming on tour with them that no one was paying attention to him. Once they hit L.A., he was breaking out of the madness and running away to the nearest bar that he could find. Vow of a drug-free life be damned.   
  
Once in San Francisco, Matt scurried away to collect his wife and Jared finally came out of hiding.   
  
Sitting at the table with Shannon by his side and a sleepy Tomo in front of him, Jared stared down at his breakfast, knowing that he wasn’t going to be able to eat it. However, not eating would just add to Shannon’s worries so he picked up his spoon and began to move the cereal around in the bowl. Most of it was already soggy and it only added to the lack of appeal.   
  
Pushing off Jared’s hood, Shannon said, “Kaikai.*”   
  
“Auoumaraki.**” Jared lay the spoon back on the table and pushed away the offending bowl of cereal. Under the table, he moved his leg so that it wrapped around his brother’s. He really wasn’t feeling well.   
  
Shaking his head to clear his sleep induced daze; Tomo couldn’t take it any longer. “I am the one that talks around you in another language, so I can insult you without you knowing about it. When did you pick up another language?”   
  
Shannon looked at Jared quickly before deciding on how to answer. Jared simply pulled his hood back up and looked up at Tomo, explaining to the Croatian before Shannon thought of what to say. “It is our own.”   
  
Tomo heard the subtlety in Jared’s words. That was all Tomo needed to know about what they were saying. Respecting the brothers’ wishes and putting it aside, along with all the other oddities about their lives, Tomo changed the subject to Matt.   
  
“If Matt leaves the group, can I pick the replacement?” Tomo asked, trying to lighten the mood. However, it backfired.   
  
“Two for two, Tomo.” Jared gave Shannon a slight push to show him that he was getting up and Shannon stood up to let his brother out. Indicating that Shannon was to stay, Jared left with, “Nako nako.***”   
  
“Don’t pay much mind to him. I can deal with it.” Shannon’s voice held his sincerity. He was not trying to talk down to the other man, but this was one thing that was not going to be up for debate: Jared was his to worry about.   
  
“Matt told me about what happened. He is…”   
  
“What happened?” Shannon cut Tomo off. Jared only told him that he was fine, and that he pushed Matt away.   
  
“That Jared woke him up, and begged Matt to fuck him. Matt gave in to what he wanted and only realized afterwards that Jared was crying.” Tomo was a little surprised that Shannon didn’t already know this information. However, it explained why Shannon had been so calm this morning, and hadn’t tried to kill Matt in his sleep. Tomo saw the rage wash over the drummer’s face and simply watched as Shannon ran after his brother.   
  
Jared had decided to explore the area around the venue and walked around mindlessly with his coat wrapped tight around him. The weather wasn’t particularly chilly, but he liked the covering the coat provided. His hair was tucked into his hoodie and, apart from his designer coat, he hoped that he was unrecognizable.   
  
Jared didn’t know how far he walked until he found himself in a park. There were a couple of kids running through the grass and their parents were chasing closely behind. Sitting down on a bench to watch the world around him, Jared heard his phone chime signaling a text message. It was Shannon asking where he was, looking around him for a sign, Jared texted back, “Lafayette Park.”   
  
Time seemed to get blurry as he waited for Shannon to come find him, and Jared closed his eyes to the sensation. The feelings from before washed over him and, sitting in the protection of the warm sunshine, this time he let them in.   
  
Behind his closed eyes, a boy appeared to him and held out his hand. The boy had the same shaggy hair from before and Jared didn’t ask any questions as the faceless boy pulled him further into the darkness of his mind.   
  
Opening an old door, the boy led him into a room that he vaguely remembered from his childhood. In the room, another boy was sitting with his back turned away from him. From the drumming sounds coming from the direction of the boy, Jared realized that it was his brother. Looking down to the boy that led him there, Jared only saw his empty hand holding onto thin air.   
  
Walking further into the room, Jared called out to the younger version of his brother, “Shannon.”   
  
“Jared! Jared!”   
  
Jared felt hands on his arms shaking him. Opening his eyes, his brother stood in front of him. Blinking, Jared looked around his brother to find that they were both standing in the park from before, but not in the same location that Jared was when he received the text earlier.   
  
“Jared, look at me.” Shannon gave his brother another shake not caring who saw them. He had followed the directions a worker gave him to get to the park only to find that Jared was no where in sight.   
  
After running around the large park, Shannon finally saw his brother walking down the sidewalk. Calling out to him, Jared ignored him and continued to walk. Only when Shannon caught up with him and started shaking him did he see the glazed look leave his brother’s eyes.   
  
Taking a deep shuddering breath, Jared wrapped his arms around his brother and held him close.   
  
“You don’t leave on your own again.” Shannon pulled back and placed his hands on the sides of Jared’s head. “No fucking secrets, Jared.”   
  
“He won’t go away.” Jared let the tears come to his eyes and stood shaking in front of his brother. “I don’t know what he wants from me.”   
  
“Matt wants you to stop fucking around with his life and let him be married to Libby. Either decide to be with him or leave him alone.” Shannon gently told his brother, misinterpreting what Jared was trying to tell him.   
  
Not exactly knowing what was happening to him, Jared stayed silent and let his brother continue to believe that this was all about Matt and what happened last night. In a small way it was. Jared realized that he was using Matt and that things would have to change.   
  
What exactly that would entail, he didn’t know, but Jared did not like being out of control, and he was willing to do whatever it took to take back the reins of his life. Even if that meant giving up Matt without a fight.   
  
When the brothers made it back to the bus, they found Matt sitting alone.   
  
“Where’s Libby?” Shannon asked as he took off his coat and went to take Jared’s as well. Jared only brushed off Shannon’s hands and took a seat across from Matt. If he was going to act like everything was okay with him, he was going to do it behind the protection of his clothing.   
  
“We sat in the car and talked at the airport." Matt let out a fake laugh at his own words. "Well, we didn't really talk. I told her everything. Everything. The first time that Jared jacked me off, the first time that I fucked Jared, and the numerous other times that I fucked him before I married her. And then I told her that I fucked him last night and that was why I had a bruise on my chin."   
  
Matt took a breath before continuing, "I sat there and told my wife that I was fucking another man in the ass behind her back and she didn’t have a word to say to me. Nothing. She just sat there, and then opened the door and left. My wife didn’t say a fucking word to me.”   
  
Matt sat glaring at Jared as he made his confession. The anger in his voice grew with each word that he spoke.   
  
Shannon sat down next to his brother and glanced between the two. Both men sat facing one another.   
  
Finally, after what seemed like hours, Jared spoke.   
  
“I think that it is time that we figure out a replacement for you.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from lyric in "Inertia Creeps" by Massive Attack
> 
> *Eat  
> **Sick  
> ***Walk


	54. Breathe...Repeat...Dreaming Of The Right Christmas

“Where are you going?” Shannon asked Matt’s retreating form, as the man in question got up and made his way to the door of the bus. “We have to talk about this.”  
  
“I have to talk with my lawyer.” Matt paused in the doorway of the bus, not really giving a fuck who heard them on the clear San Francisco day.  
  
“There is no need for lawyers at this point,” Shannon said, looking back and forth between Matt and his brother. “Is there?”  
  
“I need to make sure that Jared doesn’t end up on the front page of every newspaper in world. I don’t know how mad Libby is right now, and I’d rather know what my rights are before she thinks to leak the fact that her husband was fucking Jordan Catalano.”  
  
“She can’t do anything. I have lawyers for that.” Jared turned his head to look at Matt; his face was blank. “She doesn’t have the money to pay the penalties for slander.”  
  
“I don’t know if she cares about that right now,” Matt said, leaving the brothers alone on the bus.  
  
“I need to get out of here. I need to do something. Sound check isn’t for hours.” Jared sat motionless in his seat, his actions contradictory to his words.  
  
“Where ever you go, I go.” Shannon stated, as he squeezed his brother’s knee. He realized that Jared wasn’t showing signs that his foot was bothering him. “Hey, no pain today.”  
  
Standing up and offering his hand, “No pain.”  
  
Walking past the backstage room of the venue, the brothers heard Buck on his guitar. The sound tech was the funniest character on the tour and he could come up with the most outlandish stories with his acoustic guitar. Stopping and listening to the new “song” that he was playing, Jared had an idea.  
  
An hour and a half later, a new song was recorded guerilla style and sent to KROQ to be released to the world.  
  
No one could quite say what the song meant, just that it was a new style for the band, and everyone seemed to like it.  
  
_“She said, he said_  
_Doesn't matter, I'm dead_  
 _25th, God's birth_  
 _26th, my birth_  
  
_Snow fall, fire burns_  
 _Memories I've earned_  
 _25th, God's birth_  
 _26th, my birth_  
  
_Take a myth, build it up_  
 _Give a gift, better luck_  
 _Innocence sells well_  
 _Give it up, go to hell_  
  
_Snow falls, fire burns_  
 _Memories I've learned_  
 _25th, God's birth_  
 _26th, my birth”_  
  
The next couple of days went slowly for the band.  
  
In between San Francisco and Montreal, Jared’s cold came back and so did his insomnia. Giving up on sleeping, Jared spent his nights reading on the bus. Shannon insisted that if Jared was going to stay up to read, he was going to do so in Shannon’s bunk, and on the inside so that Jared would not be able to leave in the middle of the night.  
  
When Shannon caught Jared’s cold in L.A., the brothers stayed up together on the long ride to Montreal reading “Peanuts” cartoons to each other. It was their ritual for going to Canada. The last time that they went, Jared teased that one of their inspirations was Charles Schultz, and then gave his brother a longing look. They were always the best nights, and the last one was one of the best nights Jared had in a long time.  
  
In L.A., Tomo got “lost” after the show and somehow found his own way to Montreal. His bandmates did not ask any questions when Tomo jumped out of a car filled with women. However, from the state of his clothes and the smell of alcohol on his breath, Tomo probably didn’t have any answers anyway. Nonetheless, Tomo’s smile lasted the whole Canadian trip.  
  
Shannon chose to stay off camera during the interviews because of his cold, but he was backstage watching on the monitors. He wasn’t ready to let Jared out of his sight after the whole sleepwalking thing Jared went through in the park.  
  
Libby still wasn’t talking with Matt, and thus Matt was in a weird mood as well. If Shannon didn’t know any better, he would have sworn that Matt was drunk during the MusiquePlus interview.  
  
Coming back to the States, the band’s management informed them that Matt would not be able to be released from his contract until March. Knowing that the band would have a break after the 12th of December, everyone just tried to make it to that date without any drama.  
  
As soon as their tour was finished with, Matt ran off to repair his marriage, Tomo left to find some sane friends, and Jared and Shannon went home to Texas to spend time with their family.  
  
With his mother and grandmother’s eyes on him, Jared was using all of his acting skills to keep it together. Constance soon found that her son was keeping irregular hours and questioned him about it. Finally breaking down, he told her that Matt was thinking about leaving the band, and he didn’t know what he wanted to do to find a replacement. He was not going to open himself up for someone else to come into his life and leave him.  
  
Constance inquired about the bassist from the time that Matt was off getting married. He was someone that Jared was already somewhat familiar with, and knew could be trusted. Smiling at his mother, Jared kissed her forehead and told her goodnight. Her birthday was the next day and the brothers had something special prepared for her.  
  
When Constance was presented with the book the following day, her smile lit up the room. Jared and Shannon had collected the photos they had taken of the numerous touring towns they had been to in the last year, and added quick stories to go with each one.  
  
The brothers had always made her a present for her birthday. When they were younger, it was because there was no extra money to spend on presents, and as they got older the idea of buying a present at a store seemed wrong. Constance looked forward to her present every year and had all of them tuck away in her spare room.  
  
In the room was her own 30 Seconds to Mars collection. It held most of the articles and interviews that her boys had done over the years, as well as their shiny new awards. It was one of her favorite rooms in the house because it showed how much her sons had accomplished, and how proud she was of her children.  
  
The night of December 23rd, Jared’s insomnia finally caught up with him and he fell asleep on his own bed lying next to Judas. When Jared started to toss and turn in his sleep, Judas started licking his face to wake him up, but Jared was not able to wake up from his dream.  
  
The boy was back and he was leading Jared into the same room as before. Again, Jared saw the younger version of his brother sitting on the floor playing on his make shift drums, oblivious to the fact that Jared was in the room with him. The boy that led him into the room was gone again, but Jared didn’t miss him this time. He wanted to know why he was seeing his brother.  
  
Walking closer to Shannon, Jared called out his name and Shannon turned to him with a smile on his face.  
  
“I found these out back. Daddy doesn’t know that I have them.” Shannon indicated the small buckets sitting in front of him. “Our secret.”  
  
Jared sat in front of his brother and his drums and smiled back. Shannon was a cute little boy, with long hair and a small frame. Shannon’s hair was shorter now than the younger version sitting in front of him, but hardly anything else had changed.  
  
“Okay. Our secret.” Jared watched as Shannon went back to playing on his drums. As the volume got louder and louder, Jared was finding that the noise was hurting his ears.  
  
Finally stopping, Shannon looked up at him with an evil smile. “Want to play a game? Big boys like this game. I’ll teach you.”  
  
Jared jumped back at the words coming from his brother’s mouth; it wasn’t his brother’s voice.  
  
“No games. I don’t like games.” Jared slid back further away from his brother until he hit the side of the bed. Feeling a warm liquid dripping on his coat, Jared looked up to find a red substance dripping from the bed.  
  
Gingerly touching the liquid with his hand, Jared jumped up when he realized that it was blood. Frantically looking around him, Jared found himself in another room that he did not recognize.  
  
Closing his eyes, Jared turned towards the bed to see where the blood was coming from. Taking two deep breaths, Jared slowly opened his eyes. The scream that escaped his lips was deafening even to him.  
  
Once his screaming stopped, Jared rushed to the bed to shake the boy lying on it. It was the shaggy haired boy from before. He was lying face down, with a pool of blood coming from his head. Turning the boy over, Jared now found himself looking down at the younger version of his brother. “SHANNON!”  
  
Shannon stared back at him with dead eyes. Jared tried to get off the bed, but he was finding it hard because the blood was slippery and increasing by the minute. Finally reaching the edge, Jared fell to the floor and tried to cover his eyes as the blood continued to drip down on his head.  
  
Closing his eyes, he repeated to himself, “It isn’t real. It isn’t real. It isn’t real.”  
  
Once the blood was no longer dripping on his head, Jared opened his eyes and found himself in the backyard of his mother’s house standing in the rain. Judas was next to him, looking up at his owner with concern. Judas had followed Jared out of his room and down the stairs to the backyard.  
  
Looking around the yard, Jared froze in place, making sure that he was no longer caught in the dream. After a couple minutes of no change, Jared turned to walk back into the house soaking wet. Judas followed him closely. Bypassing his own room, Jared opened Shannon’s door and walked up to his bed. Looking down at his sleeping brother, Jared told himself that the dream was not real once again, and stripped off his clothes.  
  
Climbing into Shannon’s bed, Jared wrapped his arms around his brother’s stomach and tried to match his breathing. It did not come easy.  
  
Instead of sleeping in his normal position near the bed, Judas lay in front of the closed door. No one was coming into the room without his permission and, most importantly, no one was leaving either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from "Santa Claus Through the Backdoor" by 30 Seconds to Mars
> 
> The track was released on a KROQ CD on November 21 or 22; therefore, this is a fact that I bent a little bit to fit the story because I forgot to incorporate it in the last chapter.


	55. Breathe...Repeat...Army Of Me and Shadow Hanging Over Me

  
**Army of Me**

The first thing that Constance thought when she saw the muddy trail on her kitchen floor was that she had somehow woken up in the year 1980. While she told her boys countless times to take off their dirty shoes before coming into the house, both of them had been notorious for making a mess of the floors when they were younger.

Shaking her head, Constance opened Judas' bag of food and measured out the right amount. Waiting the five minutes it normally took for the dog to come for his breakfast, Constance wondered where the dog was. Taking a quick look outside to see if he was exploring the backyard, Constance saw that the muddy trail also included paw prints.

Following the trail to Shannon’s bedroom door, Constance went to open the door, but was met with resistance. After pushing harder and getting the door to open up a crack, Constance saw Judas’ fur on the other side of the door.

“Judie, let Momma in.” Constance called down to the dog.

Hearing Constance voice, Judas got out of the way and let Constance fully open the door. Standing guard between his two masters, Constance could tell that the dog was anxious.

Directing her attention to the bed, Constance saw her sons lying together. Both boys were sharing the same pillow and had their foreheads touching. From the way the blanket draped down on Jared’s body, Constance could tell that her son was not wearing clothing.  
   
Constance's eyes dropped to Jared's discarded clothing lying in a heap on the floor. Unable to resist her motherly instincts, she picked up the damp clothing before slowly pulling the door closed.

Constance leaned back against the closed door. Apparently her estimate this morning was about seven years off. They were acting like children, not teenagers.

When Joseph had a drink in him, anything could set him off. The way she had laid out the newspaper on the kitchen table, the noise the brothers were making as they played their games, even the way that Constance sometimes did her hair. Joseph’s wrath sometimes was taken out of the furniture and various other household items but, more often than not, it was taken out on one of his family members.

Constance tried to be the one that took most of the blows, but sometimes she could not direct her husband’s attention onto herself, and her children suffered. Joseph had a particular preference for hitting Shannon and would do so over Jared almost all of the time. When neither Constance nor Shannon was around, Jared was the one that suffered the consequences.

Shannon and Jared had always been close, ever since Constance brought Jared home from the hospital to meet his big brother. Shannon was still little at the time, but he tried to help out with taking care of Jared whenever he could. If Jared started to cry, Shannon was the first one by his side.

As the boys got older and Jared was able to do more and more on his own, Shannon still found ways to take care of his baby brother. When Jared was two years old, he tried to climb on top of the refrigerator and slipped on the cabinets leading up. As Jared cried out in pain from his fall, Shannon ran up to him and gave him a kiss on his forehead.

Joseph, seeing the display of affection, picked Shannon up and took him to another room. When all was said and done, Shannon was taken to the hospital for a broken arm.

Constance was in tears when she explained to the hospital workers that Shannon was playing outside when he fell. Being from a small Southern town in the 1970s meant that people didn’t ask questions, even though everyone in that hospital room knew that had really happened to the three-year-old’s arm.

When Shannon came home from his hospital visit with a small cast on his arm, Jared took over his big brother’s role and showered Shannon with affection, but only when Joseph wasn’t looking.

Jared and Shannon had separate beds in their room, but no matter how many times Constance put her sons to bed in their separate beds, when she went to wake them up in the morning they were always in one bed.

On the night of Shannon’s fourth birthday, both boys fell asleep together in the truck on the way home from their grandparents’ house. Both were exhausted after a long day of playing outside and eating sugary foods. Stopping the truck in front of their trailer, Joseph got out of the truck and ripped Shannon away from his brother.

“Boys do not sleep together. You are four years old now, you sleep alone!” Joseph yelled down to his half-awake son.

“Joseph, let them be.” Constance called out to her husband, trying to get Joseph’s anger directed at her so he would leave her son alone. “They are fine.”

“Shut the fuck up woman! It is you that made them like this with your constant smothering. I’m trying to make men out of my boys. Not some sissy fags,” Joseph called back out to his wife. The trailer next to theirs shut their lights off. “Is that what you are boy? A sissy fag.”

“No, Daddy.” Shannon cried out to his father. He didn’t know what his father was talking about, but he had learned to always agree with him when asked a question.

Jared finally woke up from all the noise to see his brother half-hanging by his arm from his father’s hand. Jared leaped out of the truck and kicked his father in the shin. “Jer’s ouena! Daddy kino kino.*”

“Akea ouena!**” Shannon cried back out to Jared. Hitting back was the one way to really get his father pissed in no time.

“Stop that. Speak normal, you little brats.” Joseph kicked Jared back. The little boy landed on his butt on the ground.

With their father distracted by Jared, Shannon shook his arm out of his father’s grip and ran towards his brother. “NO!”

“Joseph! Leave them alone!” Constance ran towards her babies and shielded them against any of Joseph’s retaliation.

Angry, Joseph stomped back into his truck and kicked up dust as his truck went flying out of the trailer park. He needed a drink. All day had been hell for him without one.

“Jared, honey, are you okay? Let Momma see.” Constance gave her son a quick once over before looking down at the leg that took most of his father’s force.

“No Momma. Daddy kino kino! Jer’s ouena!***” Jared yelled back up at his mother forgetting that she couldn’t understand him.

“I’m sorry honey.” Constance said pulling both of her sons in for a hug. With tears in her eyes, she picked up both of her sons and brought them in the house. Laying them down on Jared’s bed, Constance gave them both a kiss on their head before she picked a book to read them back to sleep with.

Finishing the last page of the fable, Constance looked up to find both of her sons asleep with their foreheads touching. Jared’s grip was strong around his brother as the boys both let out small sounds of sleeping.

Smiling down at her miracles, Constance stood up and shut their door. Joseph would be home soon and she didn’t want them to have to hear him punishing her for standing up to him.

 

**Shadow Hanging Over Me**

“Shannon,” Jared breathed again his brother’s mouth in his sleep. “No games, Shannon. No games.”

Opening his sleep-filled eyes, Shannon saw his brother’s eyes rapidly moving back and forth beneath his lids signaling that Jared was dreaming.

“Ouena,” Jared sighed as he moved closer to his brother. “Mine.”

“Jared, wake up.” Shannon rubbed Jared’s back. “You’re dreaming. Wake up.”

Judas got up from his spot next to the door and jumped on the bed. Licking at Jared’s shoulder, he tried to help Shannon wake his master up.

Jared woke up sucking in a swallow breath. His eyes frantically moved around him to gage where he was. Hearing Jared wake up, Judas started barking at the brothers.

“Judas, what's wrong?” Jared turned around quickly to face the dog. Raising his hand to pet him on the head, Judas moved closer and laid his head on Jared’s chest. “It’s okay, boy.”

“He is worried about you. I’m worried about you.” Shannon raised himself up to lean on his elbow as he looked down at his brother and his dog. “What does ‘no games’ mean?”

Jared eyes stayed on his dog as he answered. “Matt is messing with my head. That’s all.”

“You were repeating it last night, too.” Shannon raised his other hand to Judas’ head. “Judas wouldn’t be acting like this if this was about Matt.”

“Well if it isn’t about Matt, I don’t know what it is about.” Jared turned to look up at Shannon. “I want to take him with us. We have some time before we go on tour. It would be nice to have him around for a little bit.”

“Yeah. Judas, would you like to ring in the New Year with us?” Shannon gave a slight laugh at the dog’s bark in return. “It’s settled then.”

Finally getting out of bed a half an hour later, Shannon left to take a shower and Jared sat up to notice that his clothing from the night before was missing. Putting on some of Shannon's clothes, Jared walked with Judas to the kitchen to get breakfast.

Entering the kitchen, Judas looked up at Jared before leaving his side to eat his breakfast.

Constance sat at the table with a full cup of coffee and the morning paper. Seeing her son walk in the room, Constance put down the paper and looked up.

Mother and son looked at one another in quiet acceptance. Walking the short distance to his mother, Jared kissed the top of her head and told her his plan of taking Judas for a couple of weeks.

The next couple of days were spent with family and friends. Christmas was celebrated with a large vegetarian feast and Jared’s birthday was celebrated with an early breakfast made by Shannon.

A couple of days later, Judas stayed in a pet friendly hotel room in Las Vegas while Jared and Shannon went to Pure to celebrate Jared’s birthday. And a couple of days after that, he found himself in a different pet friendly hotel room in Florida while he waited for the brothers to come back from their New Year’s hosting duties.

Judas didn't understand why humans had so many parties, but he loyally waited up for the brothers to return on the first day of the new year. He watched on as Shannon and Jared got into a tickle fight before falling asleep in the lush hotel room bed. Wanting to enjoy the bed as well, Judas jumped up and slept at the feet of his two favorite men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Army of Me" by Bjork  
> Shadow Hanging Over Me taken from "Yesterday" by The Beatles 
> 
>  
> 
> *Jared's brother. Daddy bad.  
> **Brother no!  
> ***Daddy's bad! Jared's brother!


	56. Breathe...Repeat...A Start Of A New Family

**  
**“Wait.” Jared grabbed onto Shannon's arm to keep him from opening the door to their cabin. Next to them, Judas stopped as well and looked up at the pair. There was snow around them and he couldn’t wait to get lost in it.  
  
“We have to go inside eventually, might as well make it quick and painless. Like ripping off a bandage, the longer you wait the more anxiety is built up.” Shannon turned around to face his brother with his bag in his hand. “You've both had some time away from each other. We have a little over a month together as a band. Let’s make it a pleasant experience.”   
  
“Um, I just wanted to warn you that everyone is going to make fun of you with that thing on your face,” Jared laughed, smoothing down the sides of Shannon’s pornstache. “I mean, just in case you forgot it was there.”   
  
“I don’t think that you are one to talk when it comes to questionable hair styles.” Shannon continued on with his course of action and opened the door to find that the cabin showed no signs of inhabitants. “Besides, I like it.”   
  
After putting the bags in their room, Jared walked into the kitchen to find that it had already been stocked with his wish list of foods. Cabin living screamed pancakes and hot chocolate to him, and that was all that he specified that he wanted.   
  
Kneeling down to his constant companion for the last couple of weeks, Jared said, “No worries, Judas, Emma made sure to get you good food too. Maybe we can share some pancakes later.”   
  
“... besides, he looked like a woman and that's all that really counts,” Tomo said to Matt as both men burst through the door, making Jared and Judas jump at their sudden entrance.   
  
Once Jared’s heart rate slowed down, he whispered to Judas, “And feel free to eat the tall one’s shoes.”   
  
From their spot behind the kitchen counter, Jared and Judas were out of the other men’s view. Jared was about ready to make his presence known when Tomo asked a question about Libby. Sitting down with his back against the cabinets, Jared pulled Judas close and listened to their conversation.   
  
“So what is the status on your marriage, man? Libby put your balls in a padlock that only she knows the combination to?” Tomo threw down his bags and looked around the cabin for signs of life.   
  
“That is for when I come home from the tour. As of right now, I am not married. Libby wants to explore what she wants and told me that if I wanted to make our marriage work, this was the time to prove my loyalty and commitment to her.”   
  
“What does that mean?”   
  
“No sex with other people. And, yes, she emphasized what sex meant and what people meant when she was telling me. In fact, I have a list of what I can and can’t do during the time I am away from her, if you would like to see it.”   
  
As their voices carried down the hallway, Jared stood up and went out the kitchen door to the backyard area. Judas followed closely behind and looked up at Jared for permission to go explore.   
  
“It's ok, I’m not going anywhere,” Jared smiled down at the dog and watched as he ran off to investigate the wilderness that surrounded them. Sitting down on one of the wooden chairs, Jared leaned back and looked up at the cloudy sky. Making shapes out of the clouds, Jared looked away quickly when one of the clouds began to resemble a boy.   
  
“He left your side? I’m surprised.” Shannon opened the door and took a seat next to his brother.   
  
“He isn’t going far, though. And if you watch for him... wait for it...." Jared and Shannon turned their attention to the dog standing near the trees line. Judas looked up at them. Once he saw that Jared was still there, he went back to his rabbit trail. “He has been doing that every couple of minutes.”   
  
“He isn’t going to want to leave you when we go back on tour. Ma spoils him with attention, but he likes keeping an eye on you. Makes my job easier, too.” Shannon leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes.   
  
“Am I a job to you?” Jared asked, a little hurt at his brother’s words. Normally he would have just let the comment roll off his back as his brother teasing him, but his mind was still mixed up over Matt and his dreams.   
  
Hearing the tone of his brother’s voice, Shannon stood up and knelt next to his brother. Taking his hands in his own, Shannon said, “Best job that I have ever had.”   
  
Looking straight into his brother’s eyes, Jared wanted to tell his brother about the dreams and the boy. And the blood. Leaning down to rest his forehead on Shannon’s, Jared began to speak. “I nee…”   
  
“There you are. I looked out my window and swore that I saw Judas out by the trees, but there was no sign of you guys, so I went looking and found your stuff and thought maybe....” Tomo rambled on before noticing the position of the brothers. “Shit. I’m leaving now. Um, Matt’s here. He isn’t married now; well, he is but he isn’t. Really he is more under the control of Libby right now than he ever was, but he doesn’t see that and....”   
  
“Tomo.” Shannon pulled away from his brother and stood up, taking Jared with him. “Whether it is caffeine or drugs that have you this animated, you need to cut back. Break time is over with, now it 30 Seconds to Mars again.”   
  
“It is always 30 Seconds to Mars with me, man.” Tomo’s behavior from before stopped and his tone was serious. “Always.”   
  
Jared smiled at the guitarist, and hugged him with the arm that wasn’t attached to his brother. “Good. You are a part of us, and we would like it to stay that way.”   
  
From his spot in the kitchen, Matt turned around and went back to his room. For the first time it hit him what he was giving up, and he no longer knew what to think about it.   
  
In the midst of interviews and screenings, the band mates spent some quality time together without any drama. Jared was still in a mood that he couldn’t shake, and his appearance suffered for it, but things went relatively smoothly during their small set and Jared's obligatory movie related appearances.   
  
The band avoided the clubs, for the most part, because they were filled with press. But Jared ventured out one night, just to appease his agent. He left one club upon hearing Justin Timberlake’s name, and then left another one after some idiot pulled his hair. Jared turned around and gave him some harsh words, but didn't give him the beating he so richly deserved. The two run-ins just reinforced the idea that Jared was meant to spend his time alone, with his band and his dog.   
  
Leaving Utah, the brothers went straight back to Texas, and then to the nearest dog breeder. Judas needed some babies to take care of to take his mind off of Jared’s departure. Knowing that their mother loved pit bulls, Shannon found a breeder that had a litter ready to be weaned. The brothers took Judas to pick out the new additions to the family.   
  
Two dogs clicked with Judas right away and Shannon wrote out the check, trying not to look at the large numbers he was writing. He had the money and was happy to spend it, but his childhood taught him to appreciate the value of a dollar and he never took it for granted.   
  
On the way to their mother’s house, the two merle pit bulls curled up to their new father and took a nap, while Judas stared down at them the whole way home.


	57. Breathe...Repeat...Drag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The Fates guide those who will; those who won’t, they drag.” Joseph Campbell

“Shannon,” Jared moaned out in his sleep. “No, he.”   
  
Tossing in his bunk, Jared’s dreams once again took full control of his mind.   
  
The faceless boy was back again, and once again he brought him to young Shannon playing his drums. Sitting next to his brother, Shannon loudly played his drums before he disappeared. Looking around the room for his brother, Jared was left in a dark room with no light. Feeling his way around the ground on his hands and knees, Jared’s hands made contact with a sticky substance. Not wanting to go any further for fear of where the substance was coming from, Jared wiped his hands off on his pant leg and sat back on his heels. He closed his eyes and repeated to himself that this wasn’t real.   
  
“Jared!” Tomo yelled out trying to get his attention.   
  
Snapping out of the dream, Jared opened his eyes to see his hand on the door of the bus, the bus that was still going down the road to their second Germany date.   
  
Stepping away, Jared’s hands were shaking as he looked over to Tomo. “I was…I don’t…where’s Shannon?”   
  
“Isn’t that a little sick man? Having a girl on the bus with your brother’s name?” Tomo asked with a smirk on his face. “And I don’t think that Britney is going to appreciate you hanging out with another girl? Can I have seconds?”   
  
“Where is my brother, Tomo?!” Jared walked up to the guitarist and grabbed a hold of his shirt; he was in no mood for Tomo’s unique sense of humor.   
  
“Are you alright man? You don’t look good.” Tomo tried to pull back from Jared’s clenching hands and failed as the other man tightened his hold.   
  
“No games, Tomo. Tell me where the fuck my brother is now! Or you will be following Matt out of this band!” Jared yelled into Tomo’s face as Tomo turned his head away at the words.   
  
“Who? You tripping, dude? I thought you gave that up after Shannon OD’ed.” Tomo blurted out still trying to get away from his front man’s hands. “Jesus, let go man!”   
  
“My brother is not dead!” Jared increased his grip and pulled him even closer.   
  
“That’s right man. He will forever live on with the Dead Vomit Memorial Tour! Hey, did you take my eight-ball? That was supposed to be some heavy shit.”   
  
Dropping his hold on Tomo, Jared could feel his heart beating out of his chest, and his breathing was getting shallow, as if he couldn’t get enough air in for some reason. Catching a glimpse of himself in the reflection of the microwave door, Jared’s eyes narrowed trying to get a better look.   
  
Forcefully pushing Tomo out of his way, Jared ran into the small bathroom and froze.   
  
His black hair with red tips was now a mixture of pink and neon green and his face held many piercings. His eyes were charcoaled heavily making them stand out against the extreme paleness of his skin.   
  
Still staring at his reflection in shock, the man in the mirror tilted his head and asked, “Want to play a game?”   
  
As Jared screamed out, the glass on the mirror broke and started flying towards his face. Quickly covering his face with his hands, Jared crouched down and started rocking back and forth. This time he didn’t bother to tell himself that it wasn’t real.   
  
“Jared!”   
  
Jared continued to rock back and forth in his position with his head covered; he didn’t want to see what was behind this dream world.   
  
“Jared. Wake up.” Finally hearing Matt’s voice, Jared opened his eyes and was met with a concerned look. “We have more interviews today and if you continue to sleep, Shannon and I are going to be the only ones answering questions and I know how you hate that.”   
  
“Matt?” Jared asked still not believing he was awake. “Where’s Shannon?”   
  
“Breakfast. Well, lunch really. He said you went to take a nap, and that I should go wake you up.” Matt sat on the bed of their French hotel room. “You okay?”   
  
Jared sat up looking for a mirror. Not finding one, his hands went to his face and he was happy to find that there were no metal objects sticking through any part of his face. Stopping when he realized what he must be making Matt think, Jared dropped his hands and then stared down at them. “I’m sorry that I have been ignoring you. I’m not good with good-byes and I really don’t want you to leave our band.”   
  
Matt moved closer to Jared on the bed and put his hand on top of Jared’s. “I wish I could stay here, but it is not good for anyone. You can’t love me.”   
  
“I do love you,” Jared said looking up.   
  
“You love me as a friend. You love me as a part of your band. But you don’t love me enough to let your guard down and feel something for me.”   
  
“I could try.” Jared hated how pathetic that sounded out loud.   
  
“But you don’t want to.” Matt stood up and left Jared alone once again in the room.   
  
Jumping out of the bed, Jared ran to the bathroom to get a good look at himself. Once he was reassured that he looked like himself, Jared smoothed down his black shirt and left to find his coat. And then his brother.   
  
Jared found Shannon downstairs talking with someone in charge of their interview. Jared walked up to them and excused them for a moment. Leading his brother by the forearm, Jared pulled Shannon into the men’s bathroom and then into the largest stall.   
  
Wrapping his arms around his brother, Jared felt Shannon do the same. They stood wrapped up in each other for a couple of minutes, both of their heads tucked against each other’s necks. Shannon spoke into his brother’s neck, asking why Jared took him away so suddenly.   
  
“Nightmare.” Jared pulled back and waited for Shannon to look him in the eyes. Raising his hands to push back Shannon’s short hair and then trace the outlines of his face, Jared lost himself in his brother’s eyes.   
  
“Want to tell me about it?” Shannon stood passively letting his brother continued touch him down along his neck and chest.   
  
Stopping before they reached Shannon’s waist, Jared simply shook his head ‘no’ and leaned in to kiss his brother on the forehead. “Doesn’t matter now.”   
  
Shannon kept close to his brother for the rest of the short European tour. Or they both kept close to one another. Jared kept away from Matt for the most part. Talking was strictly on a need to basis and everyone could tell that Matt was sinking into a depression.   
  
Going back to San Francisco, no one acknowledged what had happened the last time that they were in town. And no one made a comment about Libby coming on tour with them; everyone knew that it wasn’t going to happen this time.   
  
After his dream in Paris, Jared’s insomnia returned and he once again spent his nights on the inside of Shannon’s bunk reading. Some nights Shannon would stay up with him, but other nights he would fall asleep with his arm wrapped around his brother’s stomach and his head on Jared’s chest.   
  
When the lack of sleep and stress finally caught up with his body, Jared caught a cold. For most of the California dates, he fought through it, but in Long Beach, Shannon finally dragged him to a doctor. With orders to rest his voice and a pamphlet in his hand on the cause of insomnia, Jared asked the doctor if there was anything he could do in order to perform that night. The shot made it so that he could at least sing, but he was still ordered to remain silent until the show.   
  
After the concert, when Jared could barely speak, Shannon ordered the Sacramento concert off and told Jared that he was going to spend the time asleep, whether he liked it or not. Leaving to go to Las Vegas early, the bus was parked and hotel rooms booked. Shannon led Jared to bed, and Matt and Tomo went off to have some quality time together before Matt’s departure.   
  
Shannon watched on as Jared had dream after dream, but the medicine that he was taking for the cold kept him asleep during them. When Jared shouted out his name, Shannon shook his brother awake and held him as Jared clinged. The medicine left Jared drowsy and soon he was back asleep, back in his hellish nightmares of small boys, rooms, and blood.   
  
The Las Vegas show was almost canceled, as well, but Jared somehow convinced Shannon that it wasn’t a good idea to continue to lose money through their cancellations. When Jared finally told Shannon that being on stage was good for his mood, Shannon agreed and the show went on.   
  
That night at the after party at Brent’s club, the full effects of Jared’s dreams could be seen on his face and Shannon stayed within inches of his brother all night long. Brent, sensing a vibe off of the brothers, told them that their presence there was enough, and that the couch was reserved just for them. When the cameraman came around for pictures, Shannon told them to make it good because they were only getting a couple out of them.   
  
That night, the dreams once again attacked Jared’s mind and he woke up in a cold sweat. Turning in Shannon’s arms, Jared tucked himself into his brother’s warmth and kept his eyes open for the rest of the night.


	58. Breathe...Repeat...Never Looking Back

Jared’s recovery went slowly, but his health was not the reason the Albuquerque show was canceled. It was the last day that the four members would be able to spend as a band. The next night in El Paso, Jared would announce to the world that Matt would not continue on with them.   
  
For one day, Jared decided that everything would be forgotten and they could just “be” together. It didn’t matter anymore why Matt was leaving them; it only mattered that he was leaving them. They were going to honor the long years they had spend as a band together, before they sent him off into the world.   
  
30 Seconds to Mars was a band with many secrets, hidden meanings, and rituals, even within the band itself. Only Shannon and Jared knew all the secrets, all the reasons. They founded the band, and choose to keep some things private. Although most things were shared with the new band members once they made the final commitment. After all, 30 Seconds to Mars was a highly complex unit of ideas that needed to be respected in order to be carried out.   
  
Matt had thought long and hard about his decision to join the band. Entrance was supposed to be a life long commitment, but long term commitments are not that easy to sustain.   
  
When Solon left the band, Jared was deeply hurt by the way Solon made his decision, without consulting the rest of the band. He did not realize that the rest of the band needed time and ritual to break their bond. Jared still felt that their time with Solon was unfinished and, for that, he could not forgive their lost member.   
  
After Solon left, Tomo was brought on board with some trepidation. Would he leave one day? Would he be able to fully commit himself to the ideas of the band? And most importantly, would the brothers trust him with such an important part of their lives? Jared needed time to fully embrace Tomo, but once he did, he was in for life.   
  
Jared didn’t have to take that much time to warm to Matt. He had been with them almost from the beginning, learning their secrets gradually over the years. That was why Matt's departure was more devastating to Jared. Even without all the sex that got in the way, Matt was more a member of 30 Seconds to Mars and a part of their lives than Solon ever was.   
  
In order to respect Matt’s time and commitment to the band, Jared organized a private ceremony with the group. In the mountains of Colorado, the group members hiked out into the wilderness and became only beings once again.   
  
The group camped overnight. What happened during those hours alone in the wilderness is only for the group members to know. But, be assured, there were more than just a couple of tears and it was the only night in months that Jared was able to sleep without his nightmares invading his unconscious.   
  
On the bus ride to El Paso, the band spent their time together in the common room. The group sat close to one another and they were silent. Their words had been spoken and now it was time to reflect on them.   
  
It would be hard to say who had the hardest time with Matt’s final performance. It would stand to reason that Matt would be the winner of that title, but it was really Jared. Matt led their pre-performance prayer session, the first time in the history of the band that the brothers did not contribute to the ritual. Feeling responsible for Matt’s decision, or really even his own decision, Jared dedicated “R-evolve” to their fallen member.   
  
Throwing caution to the wind, Jared jumped out in the crowd, despite being warned not to leave the stage. He suffered the consequences in the form of a slight fracture of his nose. But any amount of physical pain could not take away from what he was feeling inside.   
  
Matt did not go out after the concert to meet with the fans. He was no longer part of their world.   
  
Waking up on a bus without Matt was the hardest thing for the band members to adjust to. They all had their own schedules that magically worked together. Matt was always one of the first up and he led the way for the breakfast, tooth brushing, and relaxation process. Other members followed suit.   
  
When Tomo woke up in Grand Prairie, Texas and looked at the bus table, there was no smiling Matt sitting there with a cup of coffee. As Shannon and Jared slowly made their way out of Shannon’s bunk, they were met with a silent Tomo sitting in Matt’s spot on the bench.   
  
Tim was the last of them to wake up. He had been tagging along with the band for a couple of days, learning the material and taking Matt’s advice. As he made his way to the front of the bus, he paused in awkwardness. He didn’t yet know his place in this band who had just said ‘good-bye’ to their friend. As he turned to leave them alone, Shannon called out for him to stop.   
  
“Join us.”   
  
Sitting in Tomo’s former spot, the four had a silent morning together as a new group. Tim was not Matt, and Tim was not Tomo. Tim was still new and everyone would have to figure out how that was going to change their dynamic as a group.   
  
San Antonio brought with it its own surprise. After the concert, Matt was sitting in Jared’s dressing room.   
  
“What are you....” Jared stopped suddenly at the former band member’s appearance.   
  
“I flew home to my wife. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her that I came home to her. I told her that I was faithful to her during our time apart. And then she threw me out of the house.” Matt said very calmly.   
  
“Apparently, I didn’t understand her when she told me that I was supposed to fix this. Because she asked if I fucked you one last time and I told her ‘no’.”   
  
Uncoiling himself from the chair he was sitting in, Matt paced his words with his steps. “She told me in order to truly know what I want, I need to say ‘good-bye’ to you in a way that we couldn’t in Colorado. She said that if I don’t do this now, she won’t take me back, because she is not going to wake up one morning pregnant with a note on her pillow telling her that 'I was sorry, but my heart didn’t belong with you'.”   
  
Stopping in front of a very confused Jared, Matt asked, “Should we say ‘good-bye’ the proper way?”   
  
Jared’s lips were on Matt's almost before he finished his sentence. The hurt was still there, but the need was greater. Hissing as he broke contact with the other man, Jared looked around the cold, damp cement room. “Not here. Not like this.”   
  
Still leaning into Jared, Matt asked with need still apparent in his voice, “Then where?”   
  
“Stay the night with me in a hotel. I’ll fly to Houston in the morning if I have to. I can’t fuck you here.” Jared pressed his lips against the younger man's again as he swiped his upper lip. “I want a bed.”   
  
“Okay,” Matt mumbled against Jared’s lips as he continued to pull him closer.   
  
“Stop.” Jared pushed him away and stood back against the door. “I need to tell Shannon. He’ll understand, but I need to find him and tell him first.”   
  
“I’ll call you with the room number.” Matt pulled his hands away from the smaller man, and waited for Jared to move away from the door before he left to get a room.   
  
Jared had just finished explaining to Shannon when he got a text message that gave the room number and location.   
  
“Jared. It is okay to feel something for someone besides me,” Shannon said, taking Jared's arm as he turned to move away from him. “It is okay to want someone. It is okay to trust someone.”   
  
After a pause, Jared climbed in the car that waited for him. The whole way over to the hotel Shannon’s words ran through his head.   
  
Knocking at on the hotel room door, Jared’s hands were shaking as he waited for Matt to open the door.   
  
“Hello.” Matt’s smile took up his face at the sight of the anxious man in front of him. “Jared Leto is nervous. Didn’t think that I would see the day.”   
  
The humor was just what Jared needed to break the tension. He told the other man to “shut the fuck up”, before he pushed him across the room and onto the bed. Before bringing his head down to kiss Matt, Jared had to comment on the sheets. “Did you book the old lady suite? Because I’m pretty sure my grandma wouldn't even let her dogs sleep on this ugliness.”   
  
“The cement room wasn’t good enough for you, and now the hotel room isn’t either?” Matt laughed rotating their positions so that he was on top. “Does it really matter what sheets we lay on as I push your face into the bed with my thrusts?”  
  
"Not like that.” Jared said with a little disappointment in his voice. He didn’t want this to be like the other times. “No one in control, just us together.”   
  
Confusion washed over Matt’s face and he pulled away leaving Jared lying on the bed staring at the tacky wallpaper.   
  
“I don’t know how I feel about that,” Matt stood back, looking down as Jared sat up on the bed.   
  
“You said that I didn’t want to try. I want to try.”   
  
“This was supposed to be ‘good-bye’, Jared. I didn’t come here to start anything with you.”   
  
“Big boy want to sink his teeth into my shoulder as he sinks into my ass?” Jared said as he slowly began to undress himself on the bed.   
  
“It doesn’t have to be like that either!” Matt began to pace the room.   
  
“Then what the fuck do you want from me Matt? Do you want to hurt me? Or do you just want to prove to yourself that you can still come back and get it whenever you want? Because I don’t fucking want that from my best friend!” Jared shouted out, as he sat on the bed naked from the waist up with his pants undone.   
  
Hearing Jared’s voice shake, Matt stopped his pacing and stared down at the man trembling on the bed. “I thought Shannon was your best friend?”   
  
“Shannon is my... everything. But you can never be put in the same category as him, because what I have with him is bigger than anything. I know this doesn’t make any sense, but you were my best friend.”   
  
Walking back towards the bed, Matt leaned down and gave Jared a gentle kiss, and he lowered his body back on top of him. At the feel of Jared’s hands on his shirt, he broke contact to take off his shirt, and then the remainder of his clothes, as he watched Jared slip out of his pants.   
  
As their bodies pressed back together, this time without cloth between their burning flesh, Jared opened his legs and pushed them back towards his chest.   
  
“This way?” Matt asked. They never fucked face-to-face in their short time together. As Jared shook his head ‘yes’, Matt broke contact once again to grab a condom and some lube.   
  
Jared took the materials from Matt’s hands and slowly rolled the condom on Matt, before opening the lube and rubbing in on the newly covered cock. Wiping the rest on the sheets beside him, Jared waited for Matt to enter his body.   
  
Keeping eye contact as he sunk in, Matt let out a low moan as his balls touched Jared’s ass. “Slow?”   
  
Pushing him up to take Matt’s mouth, Jared whispered along his lips, “At first.”   
  
As Jared and Matt lay asleep that night, Jared’s dreams attacked him full force once again. This time the small boy had a face. Staring down at a younger version of himself, the boy handed Jared a gun. Taking the heavy object in his hands Jared stared down at it before looking up once again.   
  
As the blood rushed out of the boy’s head, he screamed out, “HELP ME!”   
  
Screaming himself awake, Jared pushed away Matt’s comforting hands and moved as far away from him as he could. Standing naked in the corner of the room, Jared almost lost his control.   
  
“Jared, what's wrong?” Matt moved to get out of the bed.   
  
“No, don’t touch me.” Jared pressed back against the wall. “I have to…I…I have to go…go.”   
  
“Jared, you are scaring me.” Matt walked closer to the shaking man and then stopped as Jared screamed out to him again.   
  
“I said ‘no!’”   
  
At the force of Jared’s voice, Matt stopped and then backed up until he was once again against the bed.   
  
“I have to go. I have to…I have to.” Jared rushed to grab his clothes and put them on. When he couldn’t find the hole for his head to go through his shirt, Jared began to tug on the object frantically.   
  
“Jared. Calm down.” Matt once again tried to approach his friend. Jared had never acted like this with him before. “Let me help you.”   
  
“No touching me. No games. I said ‘no!” Jared finally got his shirt on but it was backwards, but he didn’t care. Pulling on his coat quickly, Jared looked around the room. “I have to go. Matt. I…good-bye.”   
  
As Jared let the room in a panic, Matt sat back on the ugly sheets naked and said, “Good-bye, Jared.”   
  
Shannon was half expecting a phone call from his brother before the night was over with, but he didn’t expect the phone call to come so early in the evening. Sitting at the airport, Shannon answered his phone and tried to make sense of what his brother was trying to tell him. All that he could really understand was something about a boy and that Jared was in a taxi on his way to the airport. When Shannon told his brother that he would be waiting for him, Shannon could hear the relief in his brother’s sigh.   
  
Shannon had hoped that some good would come out of Jared and Matt having a private send-off, but Shannon knew that Jared would have a hard time parting again when Matt inevitably choose his wife over Jared. So instead of riding to Houston on the bus with the rest of the band, Shannon went to the airport and waited however many hours it would take for his brother to call him and tell him he was coming back to him. Shannon wanted to be there to take him back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from lyrics in "R-evolve" by 30 Seconds to Mars


	59. Breathe...Repeat...Sense of Madness

“So, where are the brothers?” Tim wondered out loud, an unlit cigarette already hanging from his mouth. He stood next to Tomo outside the bus in Houston. “Score some chicks or something?”   
  
Tomo laughed so hard he almost choked on his own cigarette. Slowly letting the smoke out, Tomo tried to explain to Tim the protocol of the band. “No fans. No Echelon. No groupies.”   
  
“You are telling me that Jared Fucking Leto doesn’t take in his share of pune?” Tim asked with his hand cupped around his cigarette readying to light it. “That pretty boy doesn’t enjoy the benefits of living in two of the most prime pussy filled worlds?”   
  
“You are new around here, but let me give you some advice, before you get your ass kicked off a moving bus.” Tomo abandoned his cigarette and turned his attention onto the “new guy.” “This isn’t some hobby with them. I’m serious when I tell you this. Anything you've heard about them being in control of this thing is true. They oversee everything. From what merch is sold, to what town we go to next, to what style of music they want to venture into next. This isn’t a job to them; this is their life. This is my life. And if you want to stay in this band, it will become your life too.”   
  
Tim finally lit his cigarette as he watched Tomo walk around the bus and out into the parking lot that surrounded the venue. It was mid-morning and the town was still somewhat quiet. Sounds of cars going down the road could be heard in the distant.   
  
When Tim’s cigarette was almost down to the filter, he heard a car door shut. Turning around he saw the brothers get out of a taxi and walk onto the bus, never speaking a word to him or acknowledging his presence.   
  
As the bus door shut, Tim took out another cigarette and lit it. Letting the smoke out, he mumbled to himself, “Welcome to the fucking universe, Timothy.”   
  
On the bus, Shannon watched his brother debate whether or not the coat would come off.   
  
After meeting him at the airport, Jared hugged him close and whispered “thank you” into his ear, before the brothers bought their tickets. The next flight wasn’t going out until early morning, so the brothers waited in chairs for most of the night.   
  
Around three, Shannon finally fell asleep leaning his head on Jared’s shoulder. With Shannon’s coat hanging over the front of their bodies, Jared kept his brother’s hand in a tight grip. He was done sleeping for that night.   
  
Two hours later, Jared gently shook his brother awake, and the two had a quiet plane ride to Houston. Since his whisper late last night, Jared hadn’t said a word about what happened between Matt and him, and why he called Shannon with such terror in his voice.   
  
Jared decided that the coat was staying on and he folded himself up to sit down on the bench facing the side windows of the bus. Looking up at his brother, he waited for the questions, but most importantly he was waiting for Shannon to sit back down next to him.   
  
Jared could tell that his brother didn’t know where to start, so he answered before Shannon had a chance to speak. Reaching out for Shannon’s hand, Jared pulled his brother down so that he was sitting next to him and then curled himself around him.   
  
“He thought I wanted it rough, but I told him ‘no.’ Then he didn’t want to at first, because he thought that I wanted a relationship with him instead of a good-bye fuck. I don’t know what I wanted, but I wanted to try. I don’t have sex with people face-to-face. I don’t let people touch my dick. I don’t let them call me beautiful or pretty.” Jared stopped to take a breath. “I don’t let people love me.”   
  
“Did he hurt you?” Shannon turned Jared’s face up to look at him.   
  
“No. It was nice. It was good-bye. But then....” Jared stopped again. He wanted to tell Shannon so bad, but something inside of him was telling him not to. Flashes of eyes rushed quickly past his own eyes. “But then I freaked on him and left him without an explanation and....”   
  
“Why did you?”   
  
Opening his mouth to answer, Jared once again stopped himself and then looked way. He couldn’t lie to Shannon. He would see through it and, more importantly, he didn’t want to lie to him. Closing his eyes, Jared slowly took in a deep breath, and then let it out even more slowly.   
  
“Because....” Jared jumped out of his seat when he opened his eyes. In Shannon’s place sat the boy. His shaggy brown hair fell into his eyes, and he was staring straight through Jared.   
  
“Jared? Ouena*?” The small boy spoke to Jared in Shannon’s voice, before switching over into a woman’s voice from the distant past. “You liked it. Don’t tell anyone about our game. They will know that you liked it too.”   
  
Just as quickly as the little boy appeared, he was gone. Jared was left staring into Shannon's concerned and confused eyes.   
  
“Dammit Jared. Answer me?” Shannon was standing directly in front of him with his hands cupping Jared’s face. “Where did you go?”   
  
“What?” Jared asked confused. Looking around him, he saw that he was on the bus, and that Shannon was standing in front of him. “What happened?”   
  
“You stood there with a blank look on your face for about five minutes. I’m taking you to a doctor.” Shannon dropped one of his hands to unhook his blackberry from his jeans, but was blocked by Jared’s hands.   
  
“No doctors. I don’t like doctors. They poke and they ask stupid questions.” Pulling Shannon back into the bunk area, he begged, “I’m tired. I just want to sleep.”   
  
“If it happens again, you are going to a doctor.” Shannon admitted defeat and let his brother drag him to the back of the bus.   
  
Throwing his coat into his own bunk, Jared jumped into Shannon’s and waited for his brother to follow. They slept until sound check.   
  
After the concert, the fans called him back out of the bus to give a personal acoustic performance, or really a sing along. Jared needed the interaction as much as the fans did, to assure them all that the family would continue. After joking with them about their lack of singing abilities and knowledge of the greats, Jared reassured them that his nose was fine, and then slipped back into the bus.   
  
Waking up the next morning, he opened his eyes with a smile. He felt different. The dreams had stayed away.   
  
For the next couple of weeks Jared alternated sleeping in his own bunk and Shannon’s. However, no matter where he slept, the dreams did not return. The boy was gone and the dreams he did have were peaceful.   
  
During this time, the band worked on coming together. In Jared’s mind, Tim was still a replacement and not a part of the band. He needed to earn his place. Jared knew that it was unfair to treat him the way he was, but he took Matt’s spot and Jared needed time to accept that. Matt’s place with the band was a hard one to fill, but Jared was not going to let anyone attempt to take Matt's place in his life.   
  
After New York, Jared’s insomnia came back. This time it was without the dreams, but he still went back to his old ritual of reading. He had been receiving more and more scripts now that the band was going to have some summer time off. One script caught his interest and he read it straight through. Only afterward did he realize that he was drawing pictures of children on the sides of the sheet.   
  
Going back through the pages, Jared saw that the children were really only three: two boys and a small girl. All three looked alike, but only two of them were real. The girl was someone who never had a chance to experience this world. The two boys were in contrast to the girl; in their short time on Earth, they had already experienced more than most adults.   
  
“New script?” a voice called Jared out of his daze.   
  
“Yeah. I like this one.” Jared watched as Tim slid into the booth across from Jared. It was late and the bus was still on its way to Montreal, Canada.   
  
“Who are they?” Tim pointed to Jared’s drawings.   
  
“A rare species of little adults.” Jared pushed the script over to Tim. “The ancients called them children.”   
  
“I’m having children one day. Bunches of them.” Tim flipped through the drawings. “You really are an artist.”   
  
“If you want to call me one.”   
  
“I just mean the acting, the music, the stage performance, and the art. You have creativity seeping out of your pores.” Tim stopped at the end of the little cartoon that Jared had made of the children. “It is you and your brother, isn’t it?”   
  
“Tomo tell you that sucking up doesn’t get you anywhere with me?” Jared half-joked. He was in a good mood and he was actually enjoying talking with Tim.   
  
“Tomo is schooling me in the ways of 30 Seconds to Mars. But the little fucker keeps going all Yoda on me and talking about learning things on my own.”   
  
“Just be glad that Tomo gave up the weed. He likes to get philosophical on that stuff.” Jared took back the script and looked down at the boys on the page. “And, yes, that is my brother and me when we were younger.”   
  
“Who is the girl then?”   
  
“Someone who never got to be.” Jared took his script with him as he stood up and told Tim that he was going to bed.   
  
“Two Yodas for the price of one. Lucky me.” Tim put his head on his folded arms on the table and regretted that last drink he shared with Tomo. An upset stomach does not do well on a moving bus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from lyrics from "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx
> 
> *Brother


	60. Breathe...Repeat...Lucius

“Jared. Stop that. Jared…come here…no we can’t…umm…ouena*.” Shannon was talking in his sleep and Jared lay next to him listening.  
  
Jared hadn’t slept last night; he wasn’t tired and he had ideas for new artwork for the band. However, he had crept into Shannon’s bunk after his conversation with Tim last night. Shannon lay on the outside of the bunk on his side facing Jared on the inside.  
  
Continuing to watch his brother’s reaction to the dream, Shannon’s arm shot out and took a hold of Jared’s arm. Feeling Shannon tighten his grip to the point of pain, Jared decided that it was time to wake his brother up.  
  
“Shannon. Shannon.” Jared whispered from across the short distance in the bunk. His brother’s grip on him prevented him from moving off of his back to get closer to the other man. “Shannon. Kapara pei.** Wake up brother.”  
  
Shannon clasped on tighter to his arm.  
  
“Shannon! Stop!”  
  
Watching as Shannon quickly opened his sleep-filled eyes, Jared waited for Shannon to realize that he was hurting Jared’s arm. When Shannon did not let go, Jared told him again. “My arm, Shannon.”  
  
Shannon’s confused eyes focused down on his white knuckles holding onto Jared’s arm and he pulled away. Leaning backward, he fell out of the bunk, dropping four feet to the floor.  
  
Jared’s hand went out to stop his brother’s fall, but he was too late. Inching his way over to the edge, Jared looked down to see a bewildered Shannon looking back up at him.  
  
Leaning his chin on the edge, Jared asked down sheepishly. “Are you okay, brother?”  
  
Shannon raised his hand to the back of his head and knew that it was not going to be a good day.  
  
“Fucking fantastic.” Shannon rubbed the back of his head that was already starting to throb, adding sarcastically, “You know, that was the first time that I have ever been kicked out of bed.”  
  
“To be fair, I didn’t kick you out. You fell on your own.” Jared jumped down from his perch above his brother and held out his hand to help Shannon up. “I think that was your karmic balance for bruising my arm.”  
  
“Let me see.” Shannon grabbed Jared’s shirt to lift it off, but Jared backed away before Shannon raised it more than an inch. Giving Jared a look, Shannon asked, “Why so shy?”  
  
“I’m fine.” Jared crossed his arms across his chest and kept the wince off his face when his hand made contact with the bruise that was liking forming on the top of his arm.  
  
“Yup. People that are fine stay up all night and then crawl into bed with their older brother.”  
  
“So I won’t sleep with you anymore. Happy?” Jared added back childishly.  
  
Shannon pulled back Jared’s curtain to find books, Fed-ex boxes, more books, ear plugs, his backpack, and various other objects. “I don’t know where you will find a place in this mess to sleep but, then again, your new diet will probably let you fit in here quite nicely if you give it another week or so.”  
  
“Asshole.” Jared simply responded back, before pushing his brother out of the way so he could move into the kitchen area.  
  
Making as much noise as he could, Jared pulled out a cereal bowl, a spoon, his soy milk, and then went tearing through the cabinets looking for the cereal.  
  
Opening one of the drawers under the table bench, the drawer hit Jared’s foot and he kicked it back, only adding to the pain. “Fuck you!”  
  
From his spot in the doorway, Shannon looked on as Jared threw his fit. Shannon thought to himself: Yup, going to be a great day for everyone.  
  
Making sure to grab Jared’s uninjured arm, Shannon guided him to the bench that Jared continued to kick and then slid in next to him.  
  
“What was that?” Shannon asked calmly.  
  
“She would have been close to her fourth birthday.” Jared directed his attention out the newly washed window of the bus. The view didn’t hold much, just a stairwell and the back of a building.  
  
“Who?” Shannon was beginning to think that he had hit his head harder than he thought, or maybe he was still asleep.  
  
“I really was looking forward to being a father. I wanted that challenge. Cameron would have been a good mother, but I don’t know if we could have stayed together for long. Then, of course, I couldn’t leave her to go on tour. A baby wouldn’t be like Judas; she would forget me while I was away.”  
  
“Hey, where is this coming from?” Shannon wrapped his foot around his brother’s under the table and took his chin to look at him. “Look at me.”  
  
“I don’t know. I was reading the new script last night and in one of the versions of his life Nemo is a father. I looked back through the script after I was done and there she was, playing with two little boys that she had a striking resemblance to. Mamma would have loved her. You would have loved her.” Jared’s eyes held unshed tears as he finished.  
  
“You would have been a good father.” Shannon extended his neck to kiss his brother’s forehead and spoke with his lips still against his skin, “You can still be a father one day.”  
  
“How? I've fucked up every relationship I ever had. And I can count all of them on one hand.” Jared pulled back away from his brother; he wanted to leave the confinement of his spot.  
  
Trying to change the subject, he continued. “We have an interview today. We have to be ready soon. I need to wake Tomo up before he misses it. I’ll try not to make him fall out of his bunk while doing so.”  
  
Pushing back gently on his brother to keep him where he was for a minute, Shannon added. “For the record, I like it when you sleep in my bunk.”  
  
Moving out to let Jared go wake up the third member of the band, Shannon raised his hand and rubbed the slight bump on the back of his head. His brother was always full of surprises.  
  
Jared observed once that there were three types of people within the entertainment world: those that make it a point to kiss up to you, those that go out of their way to show you that they don’t care who you are, and then there are the genuine people that want to know the real you.  
  
Their Montreal interviewer that day was one of the latter. Jared liked her questions and her demeanor. When she offered him an apple because he admitted that he was hungry from not eating after waking Tomo up, he at first politely refused. Catching Shannon’s eyes watching him, he changed his mind and accepted the apple.  
  
The interview was only suppose to be a backstage pass into the life of the touring band, but Jared decided to bring her on the bus. Showing off their newly cleaned house, Jared walked back to the bunk area forgetting that he never closed the curtain after Shannon opened it that morning. There was nothing scandalous hiding in there, but it did show that he hadn’t been sleeping in it for a number of days.  
  
When the interviewer asked how he slept in such a messy bunk, he redirected her attention to the book that he was reading and was happy that the question was dropped. He didn’t want to explain to a whole country that he needed to sleep near his brother to keep the worst of the nightmares away.  
  
Feeling comfortable with the interviewer, Jared opened up a little about their grandfather. Along with the thought of children running through his head, so was a man that had lost his life too soon. At Jared's age, his grandfather already had a teenage daughter. That thought scared Jared.  
  
When she came to the question of happiness, Jared was taken back by the question. It was not something that he often asked himself. Yes, he was grateful for all that the band had accomplished over the years, and he was grateful that he had been able to work with such esteemed directors, but the question of happiness was one that he did not put much faith into.  
  
Happiness was a vague concept that everyone seemed to be looking to find and, in his mind, people were losing sight of the main goal in looking at the end product. People should strive to live in the moment, not for some distant future that wasn’t promised to them. Stopping his thoughts before they could go too far, Jared thanked the interviewer and told her he would see her later, as the camera filmed them on stage.  
  
The cameras were not permitted in their dressing room where the group would put their arms around each other’s shoulders and say a prayer for everything that they had.  
  
As Shannon rubbed the spot that he had bruised on Jared’s arm earlier in the day, he added, “And may the children come in their own time.”  
  
_March 31, 2007_  
  
True to his word, when the tour reached Detroit, Tomo went nuts on stage. Living his dreams meant that he didn’t care if he looked like a fool on the same stage that he used to gaze up at not too long ago.  
  
Tomo’s family was waiting in the wings during the whole show. Right after their bus pulled into Detroit, his mother and father were waiting for them at the venue.  
  
Shannon and Jared looked on as Tomo wrapped his mother in a big hug before moving on to do the same with his father. Tomo’s father pulled his son back and held his face as he spoke to his son in their native tongue. Kissing Tomo on the cheek, his father turned to the brothers and offered to take them to lunch along with the family.  
  
Shannon gave them a smile and politely declined the offer. This was Tomo’s family time.  
  
The brothers were spoiled in that they had each other, but watching the happy family pull out of the parking lot, both brothers were jealous of the bond that Tomo had with his father, though neither brother wanted to speak of it.  
  
With everything that the brothers shared with each other, neither one talked about the man that was responsible for their existence. Neither wanted to open up old wounds.  
  
Instead, the brothers called their mother and grandmother and had a three way phone call on speaker phone, ever grateful for the family that they did share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Brother  
> **Detach arm (basically: let go of my arm, man)


	61. Breathe...Repeat...Meet

_April 1, 2007 11:48 am_  
  
Jared startled awake at the sound of breaks smashing together. Raising his arms to block his face, Jared’s head slammed into a large surface.  
  
“Fucking, shit-ass, piece of motherfuckin’ shit!”  
  
The loud voice was barely heard over the pounding in Jared’s ears from the contact. Lowering his hands, Jared saw the blood trickling down from his fingers and instantly knew that the dreams were back.  
  
Looking up, Jared saw himself behind the wheel of a truck. As the replica of himself slammed his fists against the steering wheel, Jared realized that it was his father driving the truck. The blood moved to fall into his eyes as he turned his head down to look at himself. He was a small boy again.  
  
“Daddy?” His voice was high pitch and his old Southern accent was back. “Blood.”  
  
“Shut up boy! This piece of shit locked up on me. Can’t anything go fucking right, for once?” Joseph opened his door and slammed it shut. From his spot on the passenger side floor, he could hear his father open the hood of the truck and continue to curse at it.  
  
Trying to block out the sounds, Jared used his sleeve to wipe the blood out of his eyes and then slowly stood up to look over the dash. His father was preoccupied with the truck, so Jared decided to go explore the area.  
  
Using all of his body weight to pull the old door latch towards himself, Jared opened the door just enough for him to slip out of, and then hopped down hitting the dirt on the side of the road. The truck was stuck on the side of the highway, but only a couple cars passed every now and again. No one stopped to help, probably because Joseph was now screaming at the truck while kicking at the tires.  
  
The tall weeds on the side of the road didn’t leave much to look at, but Jared ventured into them nonetheless. Walking blindly with his head up looking at the sky, Jared tripped over a hard object and fell onto his hands and knees. Resisting the urge to cry out from the new pain, Jared crawled backward over the object and then screamed.  
  
Lying in front of him was his brother, the brother that was probably still lying across the hall of the bus asleep.  
  
However, this Shannon was lying too still, too still be alive.  
  
Hearing footsteps behind him, Jared whipped around and then everything went black.  
  
“’Non?” Jared called out in the darkness. Jared noticed that the high pitched voice was gone, signaling that he was grown once again. “Shannon?”  
  
“Daddy?” A small voice answered him back. “Daddy, I can’t see you. Daddy, make the darkness go away!”  
  
Jared walked toward the sound of the voice. As it got louder his heart rate increased. The boy had never spoken to him before, besides screaming out “help me.”  
  
Feeling little arms grip around his leg, Jared stopped and tried to look down through the darkness to see the child.  
  
“Shh, I got you now.” Reaching down, Jared smoothed down the hair he found and tried to stop the boy from crying.  
  
“Daddy, do you know me?” The small voiced asked him as the child rubbed his face on his leg. “Daddy, no games.”  
  
Lowing his upper body to unwrap the arms around his leg, Jared got down on his knees and held the shaking arms of the child trying to see his face.  
  
“No games. I promise. Why can’t I see you?” Jared asked not expecting an answer.  
  
“Because you don’t want to see me. You don’t love me. You won’t help me.” The arms pulled away from him and the lights came back on full force making him squint with the sudden change.  
  
Sitting in the corner of a room that he had never seen before in the dreams, a small girl sat playing with young Shannon’s drums. Her long brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her smile lit up her face.  
  
Jared walked towards the girl. When he was within a couple feet of her, she looked up and stopped her drumming.  
  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. Please no.” The little girl’s voice shook as she backed up from Jared, expanding the room further and further away from him.  
  
“Hey, it's okay. Don’t be afraid. I won't hurt you.” Jared kept his voice gentle while continuing to walk toward the girl. Once again the room was getting longer and longer. Jared started to run as the girl opened a door and took a woman’s hand. As the woman and the girl turned away, all Jared could see was the blond hair on the woman.  
  
“NO!” Jared slammed into a wall and fell backwards.  
  
Opening his eyes, Jared saw that he was sitting in the common area on the back of the bus. Waiting for something to change, nothing did. The dream was over with.  
  
Shaking his head and standing up, the papers in his lap fell to the ground. Not remembering them from when he came back here in the middle of the night, Jared picked them all up one by one. Each one held another scene from his dream.  
  
Wadding up all the papers, Jared ran to the front of the bus and looked through the drawers for some matches. Not finding any, Jared went back to the bunk area and started going through the first pants he could find. Finally finding a lighter, Jared turned and ran off the bus.  
  
Tim, hearing Jared going through his clothes, followed the front man and watched on as Jared made a small pile with the papers and then lit the edge of the papers on fire.  
  
“I’m pretty sure that is illegal to do in a parking lot.” Tim walked up to Jared still wearing the clothes that he slept in. “Not that I am going to tell, but they…”  
  
Tim stopped talking when Jared stood up and started kicking at the burning pile of papers.  
  
“Jesus man, those things are plastic you know!” Tim commented on the Crocs on Jared’s feet. “Jared, what the fuck are you doing?”  
  
“If you want to stay in this band, you will turn around right now and get your nosy ass back on the bus.” Jared said with his back still turned away from the new bassist. His voice wasn’t his normal voice and Tim wasn’t about to argue with him.  
  
“Shannon. Shannon! Your brother is outside burning shit. Wake up!” Tim poked and shook Shannon.  
  
“Tim, stop it.” Shannon pushed away the hands barely hearing the words.  
  
“Shannon. Jared. Now!” Tim shoved Shannon one more time.  
  
“What!” Shannon finally opened his eyes and shouted back.  
  
“Your brother, Jared, is outside burning shit.” Tim walked away and left Shannon to deal with his crazy brother. If he knew that he was signing on for this shit, he would have thought harder before accepting.  
  
Throwing his covers off, Shannon was out the door before Tim could say, “You're welcome.”  
  
“Jared!” Shannon ran up to his brother standing next to a small pile of ashes. “What the fuck are you doing?”  
  
“I told him to leave it.” Jared turned around and faced Shannon as calm as could be. “Just was wondering what the paper would burn like. Jesus, I am 35. I know how to prevent forest fires.”  
  
“Well then, Smokey, get your ass back on the bus before Tim calls the fire department, because by the sound of his voice I thought you were setting cars on fire.” Shannon pulled on his brother’s arm and guided him back on the bus.  
  
Stopping at Shannon’s bunk, Shannon noticed that he tips of Jared’s shoes were dark black and melted. Not commenting, he waited for Jared to climb in and then followed.  
  
“Pyro. Sleep.”  
  
Which Jared pretended to do while he waited for Shannon to fall back asleep. Once Shannon’s breathing evened out, Jared opened his eyes and tried to make sense of the new elements to his dreams.  
  
After the show that night, Jared told Shannon to go to bed without him. Jared wanted to work on some new items for the show and he would sleep soon.  
  
April 2, 2007 North Dakota   
  
When Shannon woke up, Jared wasn’t in the bunk with him. At first angry with his brother for not sleeping, the anger went away when he pulled back Jared’s curtain to find him sound asleep with his ear plugs in. Good boy, he thought to himself.  
  
Walking out to find Tim staring off into space in a daze, Shannon asked why he was up so early.  
  
“Girlfriend doesn’t realize that one o’clock her time doesn’t translate well into tour time.” Tim closed his eyes and lay down on the bench. “Why are you up so early? Going to start a fire?”  
  
“He gets like that sometimes. Thank you for waking me up though.” Shannon opened the door and called out as he left, “Caffeine! Starbucks! Mine!”  
  
Back in his bunk, all of Jared’s dream players were back and all of them just sat staring back at Jared in the bright room.  
  
The small children were huddled together. His father and the older version of his brother stood together. Off to the side, a woman with long blond hair stood with her back to Jared.  
  
Breaking the silence of the room, his father started laughing.  
  
“Too late.” His father laughed out as he took out a gun and shot older Shannon in the head.  
  
As all of the children screamed at the top of their lungs, Jared ran towards his brother to find that he was stuck to the ground.  
  
The lady with the blond hair moved over to the children and pulled them away.  
  
“Stop! Leave them alone! Shannon!” Jared called out still trying to get his legs to move.  
  
His father walked up slowly to Jared and leaned in close. Once their noses were almost touching, his father whispered, “Jesus can’t save me. Should he save you?”  
  
Jared closed his eyes and started repeating to himself that it wasn’t real.  
  
Feeling a hand on his leg, Jared looked down to see his bloody brother pulling on his pants.  
  
“Tell me. No secrets Jared. No games.”  
  
“Shannon.”  
  
"Shannon." His voice was thick with sleep as he was still caught between the conscious and unconscious world. Once he opened his eyes and untangled himself from the blankets, the stillness of the bus became apparent. He pulled back his curtain and saw the neatly made bunk of his brother. Stepping out into the hallway and removing his ear plugs, he could hear voices coming from the front. "Shannon." This time his voice was louder and clear of sleep but still not answered.   
  
He saw no sign of his brother as he past through the divider. The dread that he felt upon awaking was growing. "Tomo, where's my brother?"   
  
"He was gone before I woke up." Tomo replied through bites of his breakfast.   
  
"He left about an hour ago mumbling something about not having enough caffeine on the bus." Tim answered Jared's question while lying down on the long bench with his eyes closed.   
  
"He should be back by now then." He could feel his heart beating in his chest.   
  
"I'll give him a call and see where the hell he is." Tomo had the phone to his ear before he finished his sentence.  
  
The sound of Shannon's phone could be heard coming from the back. "He was pretty out of it when it left. He must have left it behind." Tim stated the obvious as he sat up and faced the other two.   
  
As soon as the factory-standard ringtone was heard coming from the back of the bus, Jared's heart began to beat faster and his chest began to tighten. The dread that he felt upon awaking was increasing. "Could someone go find him please?"   
  
"I'll go see what I can find out." Tim heard the panic in Jared's voice and thought Jared would be more comfortable waiting with Tomo. Or at least he would be more comfortable with the arrangement. "He probably is outside somewhere."   
  
As the door shut behind Tim, Tomo began to see the physical effect this was having on his band mate. Jared always appeared to be in control of everything. Even when he wasn't, he had perfected the art of pretending like he was. Seeing Jared like this worried the younger man. "Hey, why don't you take a seat. Shannon is probably just helping set up."   
  
Jared knew it was irrational, but could not seem to catch his breath and his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Tomo's reassurance fell on deaf ears. It was happening again and there was no way to control it. That pissed him off more than not knowing where Shannon was.


	62. Breathe...Repeat...No Secrets

_April 17, 2007 3:49 pm Louisiana_  
  
“I don’t know if you deserve for me to stop hating you. I think that you are a coward.” Shannon spoke to his father after both brothers paused to collective themselves after Jared’s words. “I think that you are a sad, pathetic person who used his own family to feel better about his sad, pathetic life. And, worst of all, is that I have you to thank for my existence in this world.”  
  
“Did it make you feel like more of a man when you forced yourself on our mother? Or do you even remember raping her? Was it rape to you? I have all these questions and only one answer: hate. For as much as I hate you, I think that you hated yourself even more and for that, I can take comfort. At least you were more miserable than the rest of us because you had no one to turn to.”  
  
“You tried to break us up when you took my brother from us. You tried and failed because even though he came back broken, he came back. And through the years he grew stronger and made a life for himself. And do you want to know what the best part is, you sadistic fuck? We still had each other, and you were only a distant pain. When you died we all made a pact together, to move forward and to forget about you.”  
  
“I’m glad that you took your own life, because it saved me the trouble of doing it myself, one day. Because you must have feared the day when your boys got older and could fight back. It is easy to smack little kids around, but what were you going to do when we got bigger? You think that we would have continued to put up with your shit? Our mother may have been terrified of you, because of what you might have been to us, but I wouldn’t be.”  
  
“You made us stronger. I can’t forget you, because your existence in my life developed who I was to become later. My brother and I made something of ourselves through the wreckage that you left, and we did it without stepping on the ones that we love.”  
  
“So I’m glad that you were too much of a coward to live your life, but I will always hate you for taking my brother away from me. I will always hate you for killing yourself in front of my brother. But I can still live my life with that hate. I’ll turn it into something productive, because you missed out on watching a talent blossom through the storm. You missed out on knowing one of the most intelligent and brave persons that I know. You missed out on truly knowing your own flesh and blood.”  
  
Shannon turned and watched his brother place three roses on the grave. Two for his grandparents and one for himself. After placing them, Jared gave Shannon the other two roses: one for their mother and one for Shannon.  
  
Reaching in his pocket, Jared pulled out a piece of paper and placed it next to the roses.  
  
With that, the brothers stood up and never looked back.  
  
The drive to the airport was quiet. Jared and Shannon were both lost in their own thoughts. The day had been emotionally draining and long.  
  
As the plane took off for New York later that night, the wind in Oakland Cemetery picked up and blew away a note that said: Confronting memory is the first step to neutralizing its negative power. The purpose of evil is to overcome it. Fate hurts us to make us tougher. Fate puts obstacles in our way to make us more relentless, stronger, or cleverer.  
-Your sons  
  
Before boarding on the connecting flight to Glasgow, Shannon called their mother and told her that they were both okay, and that she shouldn’t be surprised if a Barry Bryant called or wrote.  
  
When Jared took the phone, he explained to her the situation with their grandfather, and the knowledge that they had learned about his life. He made a point to tell her that Barry was nice, and nothing like he expected him to be. Constance reassured Jared that she didn’t mind, and that she looked forward to his contact for the sake of her boys.  
  
Meeting up with Tomo and Tim at the hotel in the UK, the other band members could tell that it was not the time to ask questions. Both brothers looked emotionally drained and tired.  
  
Taking advantage of the time change, all the band members went to their respective rooms. Since it was the first stop, their management had treated them to a hotel for the night while the bus was still getting ready.  
  
They had one day before the tour started again and it was spent doing press. During one of the interviews, Jared talked about Judas’ death when asked a relationship question. He told her that he used to say that he dated his dog, but he couldn’t any longer because he died. When the insensitive interviewer asked if he was going to get another dog, he ignored her question. No dog could replace Judas.  
  
On the fifth night of their tour when Jared’s dreams came back. Shannon decided that Jared needed to seek professional help.  
  
“No. I don’t want some person digging around in our shit. I, we can do this on our own,” Jared said lying next to Shannon in Jared's bunk. His skin still held goosebumps and he was trembling despite his words.  
  
“There is nothing wrong with getting a professional perspective on the situation. It is confidential. No press. No breaking news that Cameron’s ex-boyfriend is crazy.” Shannon was commenting on the field day the press made with the quote Jared gave his publicist.  
  
Jared quote read: ‘I will fucking start talking about my personal life when every motherfucking journalist in the country starts to publish reports about their own drunken one-night stands, failed marriages, drug habits, and most embarrassing moments.’  
  
However, the papers took a little liberty with the quote and changed it to read: ‘Jared Leto finally opens up about his personal life. Our exclusive report talks about the shocking confirmation of his drunken one-night stands, failed relationships, drug habits, and most embarrassing moments. Is Jared Leto the bad boy that Cameron Diaz needs to get revenge on Justin Timberlake?’  
  
“No. There are things that I am not comfortable sharing with a complete stranger. There are things I’m not comfortable sharing with my closest friends.” Jared moved closer, so he was pressed against his brother. “There are things that I want to keep between us.”  
  
“No one says you have to tell them everything. Just about the dreams and our father.” Shannon ran his hand through Jared’s hair. “I’m worried about you Jared. I don’t know if I’m enough for your psychological health. See someone for my peace of mind. See someone for our mother's peace of mind. You know that she worries about us too much as it is.”  
  
“You are enough,” Jared kissed Shannon’s neck and wrapped their hands together, “but I will think about it.”  
  
“Thank you.” Shannon pulled Jared impossibly closer to him and said, “Sleep. I wake you up if they start again.”  
  
Jared hummed himself to sleep under the watchful eye of his brother.  
  


 _May 10, 2007 Over the Pacific Ocean_  
  
“Shannon!” Jared screamed as he woke up. Looking around the airplane, Jared was met with a half a dozen odd stares. Ignoring everyone’s looks, Jared stood up and looked around for his brother.  
  
“Jared, he went to the bathroom.” Tomo walked up to Jared and blocked the strange looks by standing mostly in front of Jared.  
  
Tomo was perspective. He knew that something had happened when the brothers were home, and he had a feeling that their special trip had something to do with it. After hearing Jared wake up the bus again with his dreams, Tomo finally confronted Shannon and demanded that he tell him what was going on.  
  
Shannon told him that he would talk with Jared about it, but he wasn’t going to share anything until Jared agreed.  
  
When Shannon brought up the topic of sharing with Tomo about their childhood, Jared thought on it for a day and then agreed. Tomo was loyal to them and he could be trusted with the truth.  
  
The brother didn’t tell Tomo everything, but they did tell him about their father and the kidnapping. They shared that their father killed himself, but didn’t specify that Jared was in the room when it happened, but Tomo took the informed guess that he was. The blond lady was not talked about with the guitarist; Jared still didn’t feel comfortable sharing that part of himself yet.  
  
“Thanks,” Jared said looking down. Even though Tomo knew, Jared still wasn’t all that comfortable with Tomo looking at him with pity.  
  
“Hey, I still check under my bed at night for the boogie man before going to sleep.” Tomo said before smirking, “Buck never did like that.”  
  
As Jared laughed, Tomo knew that he had done his job: kept Jared calm until Shannon could take over.  
  
“Hey, what’s going on?” Shannon asked, as he walk up to the two talking in the aisle of the plane.  
  
“I think I know why Buck requested to switch bunks with Andre.” Jared said turning his attention to his brother. Shannon saw in his eyes that Jared needed to talk with him.  
  
“Let’s go sit back down before we get in trouble.” Shannon guided Jared back to their seats as he looked back at Tomo to thank him with a glance.  
  
“Ok.” Jared said sitting back down in his window seat.  
  
“Ok?” Shannon asked back. “I can normally read you, but you have to admit that is pretty vague.”  
  
“Ok, I’ll see someone. But I get to pick who it is, and I can stop going if I don’t want to anymore. And Ma doesn’t know about it until I decided that I want to keep going. And no one on tour or at the label knows about it. And…”  
  
“Jared. Ok.” Shannon cut Jared off before he talked himself out of going. “We’ll look it up together when we get to the hotel. It is not for the world to know; it is our secret.”  
  
“No secrets. Secrets let you hide from the truth. It will just be for us to know, for now.” Jared grabbed Shannon’s arm and didn’t care who saw him do it. He was his fucking brother and he could hold onto him if he wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toni Morrison: "The purpose of evil is to overcome it. Fate hurts us to make us tougher. Fate puts obstacles in our way to make us more relentless, stronger, or cleverer."
> 
> Ashes to Ashes, Tami Hoag: "Confronting memory is the first step to neutralising its negative power."


	63. Breathe...Repeat...The Mission

_May 19, 2007 L.A._  
  
“I changed my mind,” Jared said, as he turned away from the door and started to move towards the first exit he could find.  
  
Standing between his brother and the door, Shannon took two steps to the side and blocked Jared’s retreat. “Nope.”  
  
Switching quickly to the other side, once again Shannon stopped his brother from leaving. “Try again.”  
  
“Fucking move, Shannon,” Jared demanded, but Shannon could see through the aggression.  
  
“Nope.”  
  
As the brothers continued their two-step, a woman appeared at the office door, and almost laughed at the pair. She had seen her share of resistant clients in her time as a professional, but they normally at least made it inside her office before they wanted to leave.  
  
“Gentleman. I will remind you that it is Saturday, a day that I have off to spend with my adorable children and husband. However, upon your special request, I woke up this morning at 6 am, kissed my little sleeping children good-bye, and drove through Saturday traffic to come here. Now, whichever one of you is Jared Leto please follow me into my office. The Ethics Code does not allow me to bite, so you are safe, for now.”  
  
“I like her,” Shannon smirked, as he pushed Jared towards the room.  
  
“Shut up,” Jared said as he reluctantly left his brother and walked into the office.  
  
Looking around, Jared was a little shocked at the decor. Instead of the old books and fake plants that he expected to find in a psychologist’s office, he found artwork and real flowers scattered throughout the room.  
  
“Do you want me to shut the door?” Jared asked half-way in the room.  
  
“If you want to. I normally keep it shut during sessions.” The woman watched as Jared debated for a minute, and then decided to shut the door. Continuing to watch him come back into the room, the woman waved her hand to the two chairs sitting together. “Please, have a seat.”  
  
“Thank you.” Jared sat back into the plush chair trying to hide his nervousness.  
  
Shannon and Jared tried to look up mental health services in the L.A. area, and quickly found that most already had a full cliental. When Jared got desperate and finally asked the man who had all the connections, Brent had recommend the woman that he was currently seated in front of.  
  
Jared looked on as the woman went through her talk about confidentiality, her experience in the field, and finally her fees. After Jared nodded his head that he agreed to everything that she said, she sat back and gave Jared a slight smile.  
  
“It is okay to be nervous. Just remember I make no assumptions and no judgments. And, like I said before, whatever is said in this room stays here unless you tell me something that I am mandated to report. Before we start, I think it would be appropriate for you to tell me a little bit about who you are.”  
  
“Do you know who I am?” Jared nervousness prevented him from caring if that made him sound like a snobby celebrity.  
  
“I know of you, but do I know who you are. No.” The brunette woman crossed her denim covered legs.  
  
That was another thing that was throwing Jared off, she didn’t look like a psychologist.  
  
Following Jared line of vision, she gave a laugh at the face he held. “Don’t worry. I have the degrees to back up my fees, but I don’t necessarily prescribe to the whole 'doctors have to be stuffy people without personalities'. I like to dress causal, and I like to have an office that is inviting to people, rather than show off my advanced knowledge with old books and papers of accomplishment on the walls.”  
  
“I can see that. How old are you anyway?” Again, Jared’s mouth went ahead of his brain, and he couldn’t censor himself in time.  
  
“I’m 32.” The woman switched positions and tucked her legs underneath her in the chair. “Why do I feel like you are stalling?”  
  
“Because I probably am. I don’t do this: talk about myself with a complete stranger. Hell, I don’t do this with my friends.” Jared felt some of his nervousness go away from witnessing the psychologist’s demeanor.  
  
“Who was that out there? Your brother?”  
  
“Yeah, Shannon.”  
  
“Do you talk with him?”  
  
“Sometimes. Most of the time. Eventually, yes.” Jared moved to mirror the psychologist, and let his body relax into the chair. Shannon was a good topic to start off with.  
  
“That’s good. People need someone that they can always turn to when they need it. I have a sibling like that, as well.”  
  
“Shannon is safe for me.”  
  
“Do you want to bring him in here?”  
  
The question surprised Jared. Was that allowed? He wondered to himself, and he guessed out loud by the laugh once again from the woman.  
  
“Of course it is allowed. I’m not a dictator who demands that her clients do this alone. However, I would like to talk with you first without him in the room. Sometimes when clients bring other people in, they tend to not open up as much with me.”  
  
“Ok.”  
  
“So tell me about why you are here?”  
  
“I have been having dreams, well, nightmares really, where I am in these rooms from my childhood, and there are people trying to tell me things.”  
  
“What rooms?”  
  
“One from our old house when I was really little, and one from a motel room from when I was little again. And another room that doesn’t exist.”  
  
“Why doesn’t it exist?”  
  
“Because I have never seen it before.”  
  
“And who is in these dreams?”  
  
“A small boy that looks like me; well, I guess that is me. Sometimes my brother; he is little sometimes and grown other times. And my father. And a little girl.” Jared felt his heart rate increase and he didn’t want to be in the room anymore. And his breathing started to increase, he paused and looked at the door.  
  
“Does Shannon help when you have these panic attacks?” The woman followed Jared eyes again.  
  
“How do you know that?” Jared quickly turned back to the psychologist and looked at her with suspicion. Jared’s heart was pounding throughout his whole body.  
  
“I have had other clients display the same symptoms that you are right now, and then you looked toward the door. From what you said earlier about your brother, I thought maybe I should ask.”  
  
“Good guess.” Jared closed his eyes and tried to slow down his breathing.  
  
“You have learned to manage them on your own, as well. Body relaxation techniques are good for panic attacks.”  
  
“Yeah.” Jared’s breathing slowed down and his heart stopped feeling like it was going to beat out of his chest. He heart was still beating faster though. “So why the dreams, doctor?”  
  
“You tell me. I don’t have the whole story, yet.”  
  
For the rest of the day, Jared and the doctor went through Jared’s childhood to his life today. Along the way, Jared had to stop and clarify things for the woman, but Jared made it through his story with only a little more anxiety. Throughout the story, Jared didn’t mention certain things about his brother, but he was otherwise candid.  
  
“From everything that you have told me, it is understandable that the dreams are still haunting you. You have had years of hiding from yourself, before your full memories of your childhood came back to you. Secrets like that don’t magically disappear when you tell someone else. The situation with your father and the woman that molested you, those are both traumatic experiences for anyone to live through, let alone a small boy who didn’t understand what was happening to him at the time, and thought that he was to blame for them.”  
  
Jared sat and continued to listen to the woman who he had come to put his trust into.  
  
“Time is needed to heal your wounds and, unfortunately, neither of our schedules allows us to work on these issues further today.” Standing up, the psychologist went to her desk and pulled out a card.  
  
“These are my contact numbers. If something happens and you need to talk, you can always call this number. I cannot promise that I will always answer the phone, but I will tell you that I respond to all calls within 24 hours.” Handing over the card, Jared looked it over.  
  
“And I would like to give you a little assignment that you can do on your own. You are a creative person and I think that it will be beneficial for you to work on this.”  
  
After explaining the assignment to Jared, both stood up and walked to the door. As she opened it, both saw Shannon asleep in the chairs.  
  
“My poor brother. You don’t know how much patience it takes for him to sit still for a couple of minutes.” Looking at the clock on the wall, “And he has been waiting for over four hours.”  
  
“I see that he found the coffee.” The psychologist indicated the empty coffee pot and the pile of sugar wrappers lying next to it. “But how does he sleep after all that?”  
  
“My brother is a mystery.” Turning back to the woman, Jared held out his hand. “Thank you for meeting with me on your day off. I’m sorry that I took you away from your family.”  
  
“You will be sorrier when you see the bill in the mail,” The psychologist joked back with Jared. “Glad to be of some help. Keep me updated with your assignment.”  
  
“I will. Thank you, again.” Jared walked up to his sleeping brother and poked him.  
  
“Shannon. I’m cured. Let’s get out of here.”  
  
Snapping awake, Shannon looked around him and slowly remembered were they were. He had been getting less and less sleep lately, because he was staying up watching out for Jared’s nightmares.  
  
“How did it go?” Shannon finally asked in the car on the way back to their house.  
  
“She gave me homework.” Jared reached out and took Shannon’s hand. “And she said that we could do it together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from song of same title by 30 Seconds to Mars


	64. Breathe...Repeat...Stronger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friedrich Nietzsche: “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.”

Jared didn’t know how to start the assignment that his psychologist had given him. She said that he could take his time with it, and that Shannon could help, so he was going to give himself time to think about it before beginning the process.  
  
Finishing up their tour dates for the summer, Jared went off to film his new movie with a clear head. It was the first time that he was going into filming a project without the thought of losing himself in a character.  
  
The character that he was to play was unique to him. He would play twelve different versions of the same person, an Existential look at the choices that everyone makes in life. From the Existential point of view, everyone has a choice to make in any given situation. Things do not happen to people, people choose the direction that they want to take, with the situation that they are given.  
  
It was the best project for Jared to go into with his newfound knowledge and courage; he was himself and the past was part of him, but he didn’t have to hide from the past to be a complete person. He was a survivor and he chose to not allow his past to rule his life any longer.  
  
In the past, Jared had said that happiness was not something that he thought about. He was grateful for what he had and that was enough for him. But coming off of his latest experience, he had a new thought on happiness: happiness is what you make of it.  
  
Filming would take time and Jared was required to travel the globe to finish the project.  
  
And it was just the time that he needed away from the music to find out who he was without a musical soundtrack to voice his thoughts. Music would always be part of his human condition, and he was not going to give music up for anything. He finally saw that he had been using music to explore issues that he was not consciously ready to face.  
  
Now he was ready.  
  
Shannon and their mother were Jared’s saving grace in this world. In the past he had relied on them and hid from them, but he was going to start living on his own. His family would always be there if he was to fall, but he needed to find a way to live on his own.  
  
Shannon was someone that Jared would give his life for, and he never wanted to face the day that he may have to say good-bye to his brother, but Jared couldn’t go through his life “needing” his brother the way that he did. It was not healthy for either brother and Jared, most of all, wanted to have a healthy relationship with his brother.  
  
While Jared still found himself sleeping in his brother’s bunk, the nightmares were spaced further and further apart. Before going off to shot his movie, Jared nightmares were down to about one a week.  
  
Shannon had his own issues dealing with his father that he needed to work out. Through Jared’s assignment, Shannon was able to think on his issues both alone and with his brother. It was a good time for Shannon, as well. He learned a truth about himself and he was working to put it into perspective. He saw what hiding emotions did with his brother, and he vowed to remain open about his feelings.  
  
When Jared was away filming, they kept in contact via the internet and their blackberries. Through these late night chats, Jared and Shannon became even closer to each other. And the best part was that they came together as equals.  
  
Back in South Africa, Jared had told his brother that he wanted to explore the ancient myths of the southern land, and for their next video Jared wanted to make good on that statement. His thoughts were crushed when they were informed that Antarctica was not ready for the band to come, because the land was drowned in darkness.  
  
Going along with their newfound commitment to all things positive, Jared decided to go to the polar opposite of the darkness and went to the light in the Arctic Circle.  
  
It was a long process, but eventually the band was allowed access to the unexplored video destination. It seemed only fitting that the song about Jared hiding would be brought to light with a new video in this new land.  
  
The brothers had a decision to make with the video: was Tim going to be part of the process?  
  
He had filled in Matt’s spot for the tour dates, but would he permanently fill in Matt’s spot in the band? Jared and Shannon decided that in order to pay respect to Matt’s time in the band, throughout the recording process of the song and the album, Tim would remain on the mainland while their adventure was shot.  
  
The experience of standing on top of a glacier was life changing for all three band members.  
  
Standing on top of the world while the ice cracked underneath him, Jared turned to look at his brother and then at Tomo. It was there that he decided that Tomo needed further recognition for his place in the band.  
  
To celebrate Tomo’s birthday, the brothers decided on a special evening for their long time friend.  
  
Tomo had proved his loyalty to the band and he had shown the brothers what an asset he was to them. Shannon and Jared wanted to solidify that loyalty and commitment through another bonding ritual.  
  
Tomo was brought deeper into the inner circle of the band, and learned more truths about the brothers and the music. At the end of the ritual, Tomo was branded forever with the band’s glyphs. This was a sign that Tomo would be a member for life. Tomo’s tattoo was on the same arm as the brothers, but a little to the side. He was part of them, but different at the same time.  
  
More concert dates were worked around Jared’s movie schedule and the three band members took this time to start to think about the direction of their next album.  
  
Jared wanted to reflect on his spiritual journey, and the album was going to show how much he had grown as a person, and how much the band had grown as musicians.  
  
Christmas was spent with family. Barry Bryant was invited to Christmas dinner with the Letos and the evening was a good experience for everyone involved.  
  
Constance met her father-in-law for the first time that night and, after the brothers had decided to retire for the night, Constance and Barry stayed up to talk about the man that they had in common.  
  
A New Year brought a new tattoo for Jared. His truth was his music and he decided that his truth needed to be shown to the world.  
  
On their European tour, the brothers’ self-renewal process was rewarded through the continuation of their assignment. It was a hard assignment, but it was worth the time the brothers put into it.  
  
Standing in the wings of the stage in Milan, Shannon watched on as his brother shared an old song with the world. It was new to everyone else and it put the biggest smile on Shannon’s face.

As Jared put his heart into their grandfather’s song, Shannon realized that Jared had truly found himself through the wreckage of the past.


	65. Breathe...Repeat: Epilogue: Breathe Me

_July 30, 2008_  
  
Shannon walked into their hotel room with a bag of food and some drinks. It was comforting to know that no matter what country they visited, a Starbucks or an equivalent was always within walking distance.  
  
Sitting down the food and drinks, Shannon walked up behind Jared and leaned down, running his hands across Jared’s shoulders to the top of his forearms.  
  
“Still working on that?” Shannon asked with his head next to his brother’s reading the screen.  
  
“I’m just making sure that it goes together smoothly. Your parts and my parts need to work as one.” Jared continued to click away on the computer.  
  
“That was too easy. I’m not even going to comment on what you just said.” Shannon squeezed the tops of his brother’s arms as he backed away. “Can I drag you away for some food and some tea?”  
  
“Well, since you went all the way across the street to get it, I guess I should eat it with you.” Jared abandoned his computer and walked towards the bed. Plopping down next to his brother, who was already sorting the food, Jared inhaled the delicious aromas. He was hungry.  
  
Their plane had landed this morning. He had some press and rehearsals to look forward to over the next couple of days, but he was glad that he could bring his brother and Tomo along. He was even happy that Tim could come.  
  
Working on the album together was helping to bring the four of them together as a band. Before, Tim was an outsider interpreting material that he was not a part of creating. Now, Tim was having some input; well, as much as Jared as allowing him.  
  
Jared had grown a lot in the last couple of months, and he was finding that putting trust in someone doesn’t always mean that you were going to get hurt in the end.  
  
The assignment and the therapy had helped him grow.  
  
“Thank you,” Jared said with a smile as Shannon handed him his half of the veggie loaded sandwich.  
  
“Welcome. I know what you like, so I thought that we….”  
  
“No. Thank you for making me go see someone for the nightmares. I don’t know if I would have done it on my own.”  
  
“I know that you would not have gone on your own. I practically had to push you in the door. But you don’t have to thank me, that's what big brothers are for. Making younger brothers do unpleasant things, for their own good.”  
  
“I think that you have gone above and beyond with this whole thing, though. I have a good brother.”  
  
“Me too.” Shannon smiled and then took a bite of his sandwich. “Is it done, then? Our assignment.”  
  
“Soon it will be.” Jared took a bite as well, then took one of the teas. “She said that everyone has a story to tell. I, we, just needed a new perspective to tell it with.”  
  
Shannon wiped his mouth with the napkin. “So we created it, and we found an audience to share it with. Did you give us a happy ending?”  
  
“No.” Jared grinned over at his brother. “We still need to live it. I gave us a new beginning.”  
  
“What about the personal stuff? I don’t want to share everything.”  
  
“We are in control of what will be released.”  
  
“So a new beginning? I guess we start that now?” Shannon packed away the garbage from their dinner and threw it in the trash. Walking back and stopping in front of his still seated brother. “Tomo tell you about his idea for a space concert?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Breathe Me" by Sia


End file.
